Productivity, Rain and Life

No particular topic, just some updates from the past couple of days....

Promises, Made Promises Kept.....

I'm proud of myself snarky mofo reading this. I've managed for about 3 or 4 days to get outside and be productive. In spite of my utmost desire to crawl into the corner and cry I've been able to be productive and get some thangs done. I've earnestly looked for teaching opportunities, started working on my relationship book, and even did a ton of laundry. I realize that the "sadness" and missing her aka "Withdrawals aren't going to go away over night and that while I may have little control over when those feelings strike, I can be a lot more productive and positive in how I respond. In my last official transmission I gave my word I wouldn't fail, my suns, her or myself by letting the darkness overtake me, in fact as I've stated before if I fail or fall, I don't prove my worthiness but instead I prove just how right my critics are(n't).

Them Damn Boys....

The one good thing about all of this is that my eyes are one again totally on the heirs. There is no job to interfere and instead of working to blend, its just us. But as much as they give me love I have to be careful not to recreate the problematic of last year and so immerse myself in them that I become one of those parents who can't function without my boys. As important as they are to me, my happiness has to come first because I am no good to anybody, let alone them, if I am unhappy. So while I am leeching off of their oh so positive life force, I need to be careful not to substitute one "addiction" for another.

I wanna go outside...

So after dropping Snarky Pre-teen and Wild Chile off at school I did something that you might consider crazy: I walked a bit in the rain. Since this shit started I've stayed away from things that remind me of her, us, and shit we used to do and the rain as crazy as it sounds was on of them. Truly the rain was rejuvenating. I've missed it.

But I wont be making that no habit. I got immediately horny then almost had a withdrawal. Friggin irony.

Oh and before I forget....

Thank you to my Brother Thabiti. His guidance, prayer and comforting words have helped me through the past few days and is helping me further along in my spiritual path. I truly wish we had been closer at Fisk but I am thankful for his friendship love and respect now. When I start back drinking the round is on me.

Wait when you start drinking again? You stopped Nigga?

Yes I'm taking a break. Part of the problem with all of what happened is that on top of my depression I had started drinking a bit irresponsibly (her words not mine) and coming from a woman that drunk Maker's Mark straight up I realize was on a path to be a true drunk, complete with bottle and scruffy look. But what brought to the time out point of drinking was a lil stunt on FB that I know had I not been drinking vodka straight up I wouldn't have done.

Along with that is that mind, body and spirit ARE in concert. I can't be walking to Jehovah, killing vodka and putting all kinds of poison in my body. So I'm doing a colon cleanse and detox. I was offered the chance to do it a while ago, but the shitty job I was working wouldn't have understood my bowels are acting up. I gave my word I would embark, and now I'm in the mood for getting my health in order. I'll go back to being a hobo at the rock the bells concern.


Well that's it for now. My tummy is bubbling and its time to uh..clean out more corn I ate last year.


Straight, No Chaser
(or air spray)
TLT
5-13-2009
10:32am