The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

Revolutions and Rotations: Broken then Healed

"God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
once you trust Him, you will receive."
~Broken, But Healed by Byron Cage

Today is August 10th and it my 35th birthday.

I have survived and grown another year.

Like the past five birthdays, this one comes after a major tragedy: the death of my beloved Queen Mother Tony Thomas. Her untimely passing on the 4th of July has left this something of a solemn birthday; she not being here physically to celebrate 35 years of life, love and friendship does kill my mood just a bit.

Comparatively speaking, as unjust, unfair, and down right horrid as the "LSC" and "DOF" was, losing my Queen Mother is far worse. Despite my best efforts, NO words can accurately give life to this lost (and honestly I don't want you to know how this feels). However, unlike the aforementioned tragedy (and the birthdays that followed), I am NOW equipped with something I never had (or rather never thought to use): belief in God and faith in the promises set forth in his word. In this season of EARNESTLY putting God first and trying to live right, I am becoming "fully competent, completely equipped to handle every good work (2 Timothy 3:17 NWT)." For the first time since my 29th birthday, I woke up feeling blessed. I will continue to smile and thank Jehovah (Yahweh) for another year and press towards the mark of the high calling (Philippians 3:14 KJV).

Despite feeling blessed, I woke up with thankful tears in my eyes that God delivered me from myself, from the machinations of the devil, and the swamp of despond. I think back, with a bit of shame, to where I was emotionally and mentally last year: drunk, vulgar, angry at the world for an injustice done to me, giving lip service to God but with no real dedication, crying over one woman who didn't want me and seeking comfort in the arms of another woman who I had no business with nor should have used like that. What a wretched man I was; though I am still far from perfect.

I am under no illusions that my change was through the power of Holy Spirit and the grace of God alone. As I stated many times (and you all agreed) I am a highly intelligent brother, full of perseverance, full of honor, and full of strength. Yet under my own...whatever, I was unable to tap into anything in my repertoire to overcome the challenges before me. I was powerless. But, as the Apostle Paul writes, at just the right time when I was powerless, God stepped in, healed my mind and heart then guided my steps to him; God has given me all what I need to get up and press forward, and if I continue to seek Him first then He will give me what I need to conquer so much more (Matt 6:33 TNIV).

But now, on this my 35th birthday, I will go visit my mother's grave and lay flowers. I will hug, kiss and play with my sons. I will go to church and praise the Lord for all he has done for me: He kept me from sinking. Instead of a vulgar party I can barely afford, being drunk and full of bitterness or any of that other stuff, I will spend my 35th birthday surrounded by the things and people of God, behaving in a manner of a man who is walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22 TNIV).

I can not predict or even stop challenges from happening in my life. I can and will however be responsible for how I respond. I am decreeing in this season of change that last year was the last time I will spend the day of my birth in mourning, angry, a drunkard, or even bitter over the wrongs I have been dealt. From this year on, no matter the challenges that come prior, on this day I will celebrate family, love, life, and most importantly I will Bless the Lord.

Byron Cage was so on point with his song. He CAN mend your (and mine) brokenness..once you trust him you WILL receive.

I love progress. Now, if he finds me worthy, I hope next year I am blessed with a wife to spend this day with. I have faith that he will.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is FOREVER praised Amen) for the lessons learned, meanings made and healing experienced this year.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
8-10-2010
8:15am

Still Struggling with the Words.....

As most of you probably know I lost my mother last week (7-4-2010). We laid her to rest on Saturday.

I am supposed to be writing a blog chronicling what happened when my mother died, writing thank you letters and filling out cards but I can't find the words.

I can't even organize the notes. I figured I was ready to take this step but I am not.

Give me time.

In the meanwhile go kiss your mother.

Rest easy Queen Mother. I will see you in the morning.

Maria "Tony" Thomas
Wife, Mother, Sister, and Servant of Jehovah.
April 9, 1952-July 4, 2010

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
(and missing mama)
TLT
7-13-2010
3:32pm

Wrestlemania 19

"The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit"

~Proverbs 18:21(TNIV)

Recently, while working on my "Faith and paradigms" piece, I went and looked at some of my writings from April from last year. Now if you know me or have been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I am probably the most introspective cat you know. Thus, I was curious to see if I evolved at all; I wanted to walk through time and look at my mental during this trying period. I always said that was the major purpose for writing so much then, to document history and have a real time record of the challenges I was going through. I didn't go through the entire spectrum mind you, but rather I concentrated my retrospective on the first month, April, when all that began.

In what could be considered pure creative genius (or sheer desperation and lunacy) I clocked an amazing 29 blogs for that month. 29 blogs out of 30 days. Think about it: 29 straight blogs about a love lost, the struggles of healing, trying to find faith, seeking understanding, and all kinds of depressing stuff. Don't get me wrong, those works were brilliant, they were honest, at times snarky and funny as they were soul wrenching, but still they just showed a side of me in pain that I don't think anybody has ever seen before.

Last year, when I was discussing my heart and fortitude I compared myself to the great (and sadly now retired) HBK Shawn Michaels. I said that moment in time was my Wrestlemania 14. To quickly recap, Wrestlemania 14 was the last match HBK had before he left (at the time we thought for good) to have back surgery. He performed his behind off in that match and he did it hurt, he did it even though he was emotionally spent, and he did it because he was a true champion.

Likewise, as hard as I fell, as hurt as I was I endured and kept going. April was my very own Wrestlemania 14, the moment when I thought I was broken for good and headed towards retirement way ahead of schedule.

With this in mind imagine our surprise in the summer of 2002 when Shawn Michaels returned to the ring at Summerslam. It was like he didn't lose a step. He came back and performed at a level that rivaled and surpassed where he was when he left. More importantly, he came back with a sense of maturity and sense of peace that could only be described as inspirational.

Even more inspirational than his Summerslam match was his classic five-star match with Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 19. This match erased any lingering doubts that HBK had not only returned, he returned better than before. If you haven't seen this match or don't know what the heck I'm rambling about I've left the link here.

Of course *sexy smile* this moment, this resurrection and return, is my Summerslam. It is my time to return to life better, stronger and wiser when I left. It is my time to come back to what I love, those I love, doing what I love and show my growth as a man, faith as Christian, and skills as a writer.

I know what you're thinking: "Big talk mofo. Sure you say you found your faith again, sure claim you got that swag back, sure you are declaring you back on you square but this is all talk. Do something to make us believe negro!"

You know snarky mofo's you gotta point. I do need to do something big. I gotta do something to prove to you guys that I am really serious.

What I am about to undertake will be my Wrestlemania 19. It will be show and prove that I am back, better than ever with my God giving me the strength to do this and all things. I am going to match my April output in writing with a twist: I am not going to write about anything somber, depressing, relating to heartbreak, meetings with the devil, or any other form of that I did during last year. I am going to show and prove once and forever that not only can I write when I am happy and feelin' fine, I am going to show and prove that I am connected to my Lord and Savior (who is for ever praised AMEN) and I am drawing on his energy for new creative inspiration.

Don't get it twisted I am not claiming to be a holy roller or Jesus freak or anything like that. This blog won't become blogspot's 700 club. I am just hella excited about re-connecting with my faith and being back on good terms with my God. I'm occasionally drop some sad/oh wow/make you wanna cry gem. OK, maybe a little more than occasionally. You can never really get rid of the classics.

Except this month. This month I am going to show that if I can function in the darkness I can function and want to function in the light. I understand now what Donald Lawrence (taken from Proverbs 18:21) was speaking when he sung: "One Word Away..the power of life and death is in what you say!" I didn't understand this in the midst of last year.

I understand that now. Last April I spent so much time with my head low in April shows. This year I am going to out stretch my arms and dance with faith feet in the rain.

I will have my Wrestlemania 19.

I hope you enjoy this ride.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-07-2010
3:11pm

On Faith and Shifting Paradigms

"I wonder what would happen when you stop being scared and truly ask God for direction"

~Minister of the Interior

So....

Last night I wrote about my "Resurrection Sunday"experience and I, as expected, was meet with some pretty positive remarks. I absolutely love it when my uplifting stuff gets this kinda praise because it just shows me that I don't suffer from what I call the "Mary J/Marvin Gaye" syndrome. What is that you ask? Well its a snarky way of asking if outside of the sad/complex/sexual paradigm present in my writing does all the other TLT work suck? Apparently not. I guess I've gotten over the "I can't write unless I'm sad" hump. I have to give God the glory for this, as my time away allowed me to truly shift my world view without sacrificing the concept and strength of Straight, No Chaser.

However, I don't think it was my writing skills but rather the subject matter that garnered the shocks of awe therein. I am sure a blog entitled "Resurrection Sunday" from a guy who has professed on a number of occasions to be a supporter of and walking towards the path of being a Jehovah's Witness (JW) raised more than a few eyebrows. Equally, I reckon a such a spiritual blog from a cat who spent seventy-five percent of 2009 in darkness, despair and depression caused some mouths to drop; in fairness it's kinda hard, as my dear Minister of the Interior once commented, NOT to read some of my work and assume I was at best a heathen and at worst some new age religion or atheist.

Let me dispel this myth once and for all time: I was born and raised in the Jehovah's Witness denomination. Despite some misleading and incorrect information out there and spread about them, JW's are in fact a part of the Christian family. Agreed, they often do things apart and antithetical to mainstream Christianity, however this doesn't negate the fact that they are a denomination of Christianity. With this fact in mind let me state for the record that I EMPATHICALLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION BELIEVE IN GOD. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST NOR APART OF SOME NEW AGE MOVEMENT. I am and shall always be a Christian and will always follow and adhere to the tenants of Christianity as outlined in the Holy Bible.

But if this is true, it doesn't quite explain how and why someone who all but affirmed unwavering loyalty to this denomination (even to a point of kicking off family civil wars) ended up writing a piece full of images and language that runs counter to the JW lexicon.

The answer is quite simple. I am no longer seeking to be a member of that denomination and decided to step out and finish my spiritual journey in the context of exploring broader Christianity.

Let me do this another way: Like Malcolm X, I am leaving a branch of my faith that indeed gave me the initial training I needed, but at the same time was restrictive to my growth in the essential three: faith, hope and love.

I'll pause a moment and let this sink in.....

*pause*
I wonder when they are going to bring out a new Romance of the Three Kingdoms game?

*play*
As I was saying, much like Malcolm X, I am embarking on my own hajji, my own Damascus journey to draw closer to God and understand his words and requirements. I needed to step out of my spiritual box and see what the rest of the spectrum was like.

Yet, this doesn't explain the "why". Why did I shift? Why did I walk away?

I can't say when it began. Maybe it was that afternoon I sat in Borders in the fall of 2006 and read Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Frantz. Maybe reading his words and listening to the account of one of the JW's governing body talk about the pitfalls and problematics really shock my core.

Or maybe it was the fact that after I started my study, no JW I met could explain to me what happened in 1975, at least honestly. Nobody was willing to explain this outside of "it wasn't us but some apostate." Failure to acknowledge mistakes or errors really turn me off.

Could it been the fact that I've seen the same behaviors in the organization that I saw in the "world". With rare exceptions I saw the same petty egos, nepotism, hustlers and women that I was told to run from in the world.

Was it the fact that in order to be one, as rational as it may seem, also seemed to go against bible training? Why did I have to study first to profess belief my faith in God and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Maybe it was that time I went to church with Wei Yan. I remember going to church with her and being so afraid, having been taught all my life that tongues, holy ghosting, and call and response where evil. I remember Wei Yan trying to explain this wasn't evil but gifts from God to me but I didn't want to listen. Yet there was something so beautiful about that service I never forgot.

Perhaps all of these things laid dormant in the back of my mind. I'm often told that faith and intellect are a bad combo; I don't agree with that but I am guessing I questioned myself right out of my faith.

BUT.....

The real truth is my faith died during LSC and DOF. As one snarky mofo commenter posted a while ago my faith wasn't working and I needed to rethink my position.

During this time I found no comfort in the path I was on, no hope, no alleviation from the pain and it made me think truly about what it was I believed in and why was I on the path of being a JW. I was going through the motions, bible study, going to the Hall, reading the material but on the inside, spiritually I was dead.

I'm not sure who that reflects poorly on: Me or them, what I do know is I needed a major paradigm shift. I began to talk with people I trusted about the matter, people like my CO-MVP's, my brother, Rev. Dr. Wonder Woman, my Chief of Staff and Ekklektia. Each one affirmed what I felt and could not tap: I AM a man of God, I sought to do his will but I needed to restart my faith. They advised me to seek the truth of God on my own and leave behind the regimentation of being a JW. One of my co-MVP's phrased it best: I began to worship out of loyalty to my mother and fear of crossing the line than out of faith. What would happened if I asked God to take that fear from me and guide my steps?

I pondered this long and hard. I asked God for direction.

He answered it in the form of an old friend that had come back into my space. This sister encouraged me and begged me to go to church with her, not unlike my other friends who advised and asked this of me. Maybe it was the fact we were in a dating dynamic, maybe it was she really didn't know the extent of my lack of faith and didn't pressure me, but whatever the reasons, she found the words to get me to at least try one more time going to church. I remember taking these feelings of fear with me when I went into the church with N.R who got me to relax and open up (and for this I am forever grateful).

In spite of these fears, it was a marvelous experience. I was touched. Even moreso those praying and offering prophesy knew what I had going on inside of me. They understood. The brother that put the oil on my head knew. His words calmed my spirit. It made me open up. For the first time in years I felt a connection, I felt the divine presence. I felt God. So I went to church a few more times with N.R. each time soaking it up. I begin to ask everybody I knew questions and absorb as much material as I could. Finally it made sense...again. I got my connection back. I healed and was ready to leave my box and explore the larger landscape of Christianity.

In essence, I defied my fears jumped the fence and found a beautiful world. I found a world that helped me heal and get arise alive in faith, hope and love. Trust me when I tell you that it was scary as heck jumping that fence and looking into something I was raised was wrong and not productive. Trust me when I say that took faith.

I don't want this post to appear to be anti- JW because it's not. ALL denominations from Roman Catholic to Southern Baptist have their errors and potential problematics. JW's are no exception. I am merely stating that denomination is no longer for me. I look at them the same way Malcolm X looked the NOI: I am VERY grateful for the ground work laid, the intital training and introduction to God, but I needed to do something else for a number of reasons. Unlike Malcolm X though I'm not going to bash them as he did the NOI. I have no reason to. They are not my enemy. Besides, My mother and several good friends remain connected to that organization. Can I truly bash my mother or them? No! Honestly, mainstream Christianity could learn (and has already taken quiet as it's kept) a few things from them: dedication to learning the bible and not relying on the interpretation of others, a serious outreach ministry, separation of the pulpit and politics, an examination of a lot of these so called Christian holidays and lastly at least understanding where the name Jehovah (YHWH) comes from. At the same time JW's can learn a whole lot from mainstream Christianity like how to keep your faith and intellect, how to explore the deeper meanings of the bible, how understand poetic devices as opposed to literal readings in the bible and how to reach out across the isle. The boxes aren't aren't always necessary within the faith.

Regardless my path is set. I will find me a nice church home and worship my God. I am going to continue to press towards the mark, continue to learn his word and cultivate my faith. While I am more than willing to do this in the confines of the Christian faith, I am unwilling to do so in the box of a denomination and human dogma, esp when there are unanswered questions.

In Romans 1:16-17 the Apostle Paul writes:

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God who brings salvation to everyone who believes...For in the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed-a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

It is with this faith that I reconnected and will now continue to walk in God's light, do his will and be a better man. With faith in God I have done and can continue to do these and all things...

And only the mistakes have been mine.

Be blessed!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2010
4:30pm

Resurrection Sunday

"Happy Anniversary" ~T.G.S.

HAPPY RESURRECTION SUNDAY AND WELCOME BACK!

Let's get into it.

On this day, one year ago, I died. No it wasn't a physical death although I came close on numerous occasions. Instead I died in the worst way possible. I lost the essential three; it was a spiritual, mental, and emotional death.

With the lost of the essential three I entered THE darkest moment of my life, one that would go on until mid January. I was lost. I had no faith. I had little hope and the love I was receiving wasn't enough to sustain me. Truly it was a soul breaking moment.

I won't recount all of it here. This blog chronicled those events from the day of until the final moments. If you feel so inclined you can go back to read it.

I also will not explore what went wrong. That also was done ad nausea. Indeed I brought some of it on myself, in other spaces I wasn't treated fairly or given a fair chance, and other times it just was piss poor communication. Regardless of what happened all parties will have to stand before the Creator of worlds and give an account. Either way the time for reflection over the "cause" has past. Instead I would rather take the positive lessons, the moments when I was "better than the best" and transform them into a blueprint for how to be a true God filled, God fearing, husband, father, brother and leader.

I won't even discuss the friends lost, enemies made, and reputations tarnished. In this regard I will simply say I do not expect my friends to remain my friends, nor my enemies to remain my enemies, but I do expect me to, hence forth, prepared either way. As far as my "honor" and "reputation" I can only say that I have made peace with my God, I have been given his grace and forgiveness. I will show that his mercy is justified by changing my works and doing better. I have nothing to prove to anybody. The one person I needed to apologize to, outside of my sons, has been apologized too and if given a chance atonement and restitution will be made. Other than that everybody else will be alright.

What I will discuss is how this indeed is a "Happy Anniversary". I confess when the idea was tossed at me earlier today in a text message I was taken aback. I mean at that moment I thought it was pretty rude and morbid to think of a day so full of sadness and pain, a day that lead to so much darkness be considered happy. Really did folks think so little of me and what WE went through that they thought it was a cause for celebration? I was really appalled.

Then I prayed on the matter, asking for discernment and guidance. I checked my emotions. I held my tongue and I was slow to speak. As promised, Holy Spirit comforted and reveled the answer to me, although in the most unusual way.

This day, so personal to me, is no different than Resurrection Sunday. In fact there are several similarities, several lessons that can and SHOULD discerned from the ransom sacrifice and rising from the dead. I just needed to step back and listen.

Consider: Today marks the resurrection of OUR Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is about so much more than pain, suffering, and death. It is about Victory. It is about how Jesus defeated Satan, conquered death, and gave us a way to be in God's grace. While we acknowledge and see his death as an important component in the equation for our salvation we don't harp on his death, it is not the most important moment, the resurrection is. Jesus understood this. This is why, while on the cross, he asked God to forgive them " for they know not what they do." He didn't lament his death but instead awaited his resurrection, the fulfillment of prophesy and his time on the throne.

Likewise, while I am no Christ, today marks a spiritual, emotional, and mental (and in some ways a physical one) resurrection for me; I have arisen from my tomb of despair, discomfort, lack of faith and sorrow. I had to let, now and forever, that pain go. While there are lessons learned and meanings made in what happened, the greater story is what comes next. The story will be in what springs from the seeds of hope that were planted for by me and watered by God through my faith in him.

The LSC and DOF made me a better man. Nobody said my process to be a better man would be easy or smooth. To be concise life is struggle, evolution is struggle, and growth is struggle. While God does not bring evil or tempt with evil, he will use such moments as a teaching experience, to get us to draw close to him. I now believe I needed such a moment. This moment showed me my strengthens and weaknesses. It showed me what I could do and what I could handle. It showed me who my friends and enemies are.

Most importantly it re-affirmed my faith. I am back in God's mercy and grace and I am walking the proper path. Indeed, I am smiling and happy. I have risen from the darkest moment in my life, I have shaken the lingering effects of that time off and ready to use those lessons to be a better man.

When viewed through this lens this is a "Happy Anniversary", not for the love lost, for true love cant be lost, but rather for the dying and resurrection cycle all Christians must go through in order to be complete and healed. It is a "Happy Anniversary" because I understand, I get it and won't ever forget.

With these lessons, with the renewed sense of faith, hope and love, with the renewed connection to my Creator who is forever praised Amen, I can now truly press towards the mark of the high calling.

May you all be blessed on this Resurrection Sunday!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight No Chaser
TLT
4-4-2010
7:13pm

In Memorium

John 5:28-29: Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

Rest In Peace Granddaddy

Ernest Shadrick
July 5, 1908-June 3, 2oo9s

I hope we all can have a long, healthy productive life like yours.

See you in the Morning,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-03-2009
11:45pm

A Love Supreme Pt. 3: Good Day in the Light

"Do this in remembrance of me"~Jesus Christ

These are the days that make me smile; the one day out of many the real victories that hold back the darkness.

In spite of the 3am lucid dream today was a good day. The sun was shining, pretty and bright; I was in a good mood.

In spite of all that's happened I am still standing. I am a Soul Survivor. I am a redeemer. This is what I do and who I am.

No vodka, despite my sincerest desire, no tears in spite of my sorrow. No nasty text messages or snarky blogs.

It was just the light.

As you all should know by now my mother is devout Jehovah's Witness. Depending on who you ask I am a latent one. I just have reconciled my need for Black Culture 24, politics and vodka with the requirements of the organization. But if I ever could I most certainly become one. I do believe that they, more than anybody else got it figured out.

With that said today was the memorial of Christ's Death. Its a once a year event that brings my family together. Due to some recent complications this year it was just the Queen mother, myself and my heirs. It was also her birthday and while she doesn't celebrate it, I can think of no other gift for her than to spend this day with her son and his heirs.

To illustrate how special this day is to me I rarely take people who aren't important. In fact in all the women I've dated only two have gone; the queen was supposed to go tonight but our recent problems..namely my tantrum last Friday cancelled her appearance. (And yes my sons complained about that too.)

In was a fulfilling experience as it reminded me that I have to some degree lost my faith where it counts and who I should have faith in both spiritually and otherwise. Like the Pharisees of old, I've grown complacent in my "intellect" and "wisdom". I forget to "seek first the kingdom and all other things will be given to you". I've forgotten faith without works is dead. I got work down pat. Faith is kinda iffy.

Its a piece that's been missing from em for a while, I do think if I had truly applied Godly principles to me and [classified] we'd be in a different place. I do believe that if I have thought more like Jehovah and less like Zhuge Liang I wont have hurt some many people and have so many enemies coming back seeking retribution.

I do miss the Hall and the people. I do. I also think my overly snarky preteens could use a good dose of religion.

It will give me something to think about tonight.

Seek first the kingdom...one helluva message.

Then as almost one cue, as almost to validate his promise I received something to make me smile and give my faith just another boost.

Its never as bad as we think, even when its bad as we think.

"Make the truth you own" the Queen mother admonishes me. In.all.things.

Tonight, while still sad by the events of this week I've truly be awaken. My sadness is passing which means my writing will trickle and stop.

Tonight for the first time in a week I smiled.

Thank you Jah...for everything.

Oh and btw, you were missed. Your presence was truly missed. Mom says you owe next year. She said you'll be around.


Nite blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
4-9-2009
11:30pm