Revolutions and Rotations: Broken then Healed

"God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
once you trust Him, you will receive."
~Broken, But Healed by Byron Cage

Today is August 10th and it my 35th birthday.

I have survived and grown another year.

Like the past five birthdays, this one comes after a major tragedy: the death of my beloved Queen Mother Tony Thomas. Her untimely passing on the 4th of July has left this something of a solemn birthday; she not being here physically to celebrate 35 years of life, love and friendship does kill my mood just a bit.

Comparatively speaking, as unjust, unfair, and down right horrid as the "LSC" and "DOF" was, losing my Queen Mother is far worse. Despite my best efforts, NO words can accurately give life to this lost (and honestly I don't want you to know how this feels). However, unlike the aforementioned tragedy (and the birthdays that followed), I am NOW equipped with something I never had (or rather never thought to use): belief in God and faith in the promises set forth in his word. In this season of EARNESTLY putting God first and trying to live right, I am becoming "fully competent, completely equipped to handle every good work (2 Timothy 3:17 NWT)." For the first time since my 29th birthday, I woke up feeling blessed. I will continue to smile and thank Jehovah (Yahweh) for another year and press towards the mark of the high calling (Philippians 3:14 KJV).

Despite feeling blessed, I woke up with thankful tears in my eyes that God delivered me from myself, from the machinations of the devil, and the swamp of despond. I think back, with a bit of shame, to where I was emotionally and mentally last year: drunk, vulgar, angry at the world for an injustice done to me, giving lip service to God but with no real dedication, crying over one woman who didn't want me and seeking comfort in the arms of another woman who I had no business with nor should have used like that. What a wretched man I was; though I am still far from perfect.

I am under no illusions that my change was through the power of Holy Spirit and the grace of God alone. As I stated many times (and you all agreed) I am a highly intelligent brother, full of perseverance, full of honor, and full of strength. Yet under my own...whatever, I was unable to tap into anything in my repertoire to overcome the challenges before me. I was powerless. But, as the Apostle Paul writes, at just the right time when I was powerless, God stepped in, healed my mind and heart then guided my steps to him; God has given me all what I need to get up and press forward, and if I continue to seek Him first then He will give me what I need to conquer so much more (Matt 6:33 TNIV).

But now, on this my 35th birthday, I will go visit my mother's grave and lay flowers. I will hug, kiss and play with my sons. I will go to church and praise the Lord for all he has done for me: He kept me from sinking. Instead of a vulgar party I can barely afford, being drunk and full of bitterness or any of that other stuff, I will spend my 35th birthday surrounded by the things and people of God, behaving in a manner of a man who is walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22 TNIV).

I can not predict or even stop challenges from happening in my life. I can and will however be responsible for how I respond. I am decreeing in this season of change that last year was the last time I will spend the day of my birth in mourning, angry, a drunkard, or even bitter over the wrongs I have been dealt. From this year on, no matter the challenges that come prior, on this day I will celebrate family, love, life, and most importantly I will Bless the Lord.

Byron Cage was so on point with his song. He CAN mend your (and mine) brokenness..once you trust him you WILL receive.

I love progress. Now, if he finds me worthy, I hope next year I am blessed with a wife to spend this day with. I have faith that he will.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is FOREVER praised Amen) for the lessons learned, meanings made and healing experienced this year.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
8-10-2010
8:15am

A Sinner's Prayer....and Atonement.

"I'm so that God still hears a sinner's prayer"~Deitrick Haddon

Recently a ghost from my past found me (thanks to my Zeta Tribute blog), to check and see how I have been living the past few years since our brief internship. She felt inclined to reach out because she was shocked that I acknowledged (due to some of my immaturity) we didn't do to well. Curiosity can be like that I guess, it can make you re-visit spaces that otherwise we wouldn't go back to. I am sure this was no different.

As we progressed in the conversation, I explained to her some of my journeys since we last parted company; I also shared with her my (at the time) budding spiritual change and how part of that was confessing sins and leaving it with God. She asked me if I truly was sorry for how I acted towards her and I told her I was. She then asked if I was going to go back and apologize to all of the women I hurt and I let her know that I was not going to do such a thing. I made the point that I left the matter with God, I confessed, and if he saw fit to give me his grace I would accept its (like one has a choice). This isn't a negro version of "My Name is Earl" and I was not going to traverse the country trying to correct karma.

Judging from her text response, and I could be wrong, she didn't seem convinced. I think she felt, like most people would, that I needed to and should go back and make atonement to every single individual otherwise I wronged otherwise my change and redemption wouldn't be valid. Of course from my understanding of the Word doesn't tell me that or even really requires that of me but it did beg a very real question.

In the opening lines of the beautiful song "Sinner's Prayer" Deitrick Haddon sings:

I walked to the church ya'll
on a Sunday morning
stood outside contemplating
whether I should walk through the door
you see a lot of folks know me
from way back when
people holding me to
all those past sins....

...which describes my feelings to the letter. After the utter madness of last year, in which I walked away more bruised, scared, and spiritually dead than anybody else, I do sometimes worry as I pray, go to church and try to actually manifest change in my life if those in my space will accept and believe this moment of awakening; to be honest I also slightly worry if my critics will find this change true. I am sure nothing would please them more than me failing in trying to draw closer to Jesus and live out the life he has promised me. Negroes have a nasty habit of dancing and spiting on my grave.

But I'm not so worried about my critics as I am worried about people in my circle who often treat spiritual matters as something of a fad. I admit folks always swearing they gone do right. I keep hearing about the "old Terrance", or the "Terrance of a few years ago" or even how I was broken last year and asked how a sudden change can happen "all of a sudden."

*pause* And I assure you this did not happen "all of a sudden". This has been a long real process.

*play*

My desire to do better is often met with in different skepticism and it does make doing what I need to do a little harder.

But I can't let this stop me ya know?

I accept that my past is relevant. I often argued that if you forget your past then you don't know your future. I do believe the past can be (if allowed) prologue. I am not saying that if I made a mistake or hurt somebody it should be swept over. NOT AT ALL. But let me illustrate: A person can not get caught stealing from a friend and a few months later attempt to come around and not offer any apology or restitution. But what if that friend who was caught apologizes and then says that they have given the matter to God and demonstrates this change with faith and good works? Can we really still hold that past over such a person? Could we deny that transformation is real based solely on our anger? Will not their faith and actions prove its own point? Should that person care or even try to persuade us? Surely not! At the same time if a person returns engaged in the same ole type of shenanigans they were before then yes you may have to look at the historical record. In essence what I am saying is that I have reaped what I've sown, I've paid the price and now it is time for me to move forward with my life and my walk as a man of God. As arrogant as it sounds (which is not my intent) I really can't be worried that I didn't atone for every little sin because as I said in the beginning I've made peace with who I needed too, My Lord and Savior, and anything else is kinda pointless.

I think what motivates me in this position is the counsel found a Romans 3:23 in which the Apostle Paul writes "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; with this wisdom I understand that no matter how bad I've been there are others who have been equally scummy. In this regard I am no different than most people. But it's the Apostle's words in the following verse that lets me know that regardless of how people see my change, this process is real and God approved. Paul goes on to write: "and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." This makes me smile because I understand that in spite of my errors and even in lieu of the (dis)approval of others, my process (grounded in faith) is God approved. As morally praiseworthy as it is to go back and say "Hey I'm sorry" to everybody I hurt it is not morally obligatory. I said I was sorry to who I needed too and with the rest of it I took to God.

Of course grace and forgiveness doesn't give me a free card to go out and commit old sins new ways repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. Again Paul's counsel is wise in this regard. He tells us: "we are those who died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" I keep this mind because a major part of this or any shift/ behavior change is the abandonment of ideas and concepts that led to the darkness, the fall and ultimately to the selfish acts which may have hurt others and in fact did hurt others.

The old Terrance is quickly dying off, mortally wounded in a war that should not have been. In his place will rise a man who was broken, but healed, a sinner seeking grace through faith and achieving success everyday.

I can not change what I have done in the past, I can only control what I do now and KNOW that it will impact who I will be in the future...

And that IS and WILL be as a man of God, walking in faith and righteousness...

I sincerely pray that is good enough for you folks...it's good enough for me

And certainly good enough for my Creator (who is forever praised Amen).

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2010
4:45pm

On Faith and Shifting Paradigms

"I wonder what would happen when you stop being scared and truly ask God for direction"

~Minister of the Interior

So....

Last night I wrote about my "Resurrection Sunday"experience and I, as expected, was meet with some pretty positive remarks. I absolutely love it when my uplifting stuff gets this kinda praise because it just shows me that I don't suffer from what I call the "Mary J/Marvin Gaye" syndrome. What is that you ask? Well its a snarky way of asking if outside of the sad/complex/sexual paradigm present in my writing does all the other TLT work suck? Apparently not. I guess I've gotten over the "I can't write unless I'm sad" hump. I have to give God the glory for this, as my time away allowed me to truly shift my world view without sacrificing the concept and strength of Straight, No Chaser.

However, I don't think it was my writing skills but rather the subject matter that garnered the shocks of awe therein. I am sure a blog entitled "Resurrection Sunday" from a guy who has professed on a number of occasions to be a supporter of and walking towards the path of being a Jehovah's Witness (JW) raised more than a few eyebrows. Equally, I reckon a such a spiritual blog from a cat who spent seventy-five percent of 2009 in darkness, despair and depression caused some mouths to drop; in fairness it's kinda hard, as my dear Minister of the Interior once commented, NOT to read some of my work and assume I was at best a heathen and at worst some new age religion or atheist.

Let me dispel this myth once and for all time: I was born and raised in the Jehovah's Witness denomination. Despite some misleading and incorrect information out there and spread about them, JW's are in fact a part of the Christian family. Agreed, they often do things apart and antithetical to mainstream Christianity, however this doesn't negate the fact that they are a denomination of Christianity. With this fact in mind let me state for the record that I EMPATHICALLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION BELIEVE IN GOD. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST NOR APART OF SOME NEW AGE MOVEMENT. I am and shall always be a Christian and will always follow and adhere to the tenants of Christianity as outlined in the Holy Bible.

But if this is true, it doesn't quite explain how and why someone who all but affirmed unwavering loyalty to this denomination (even to a point of kicking off family civil wars) ended up writing a piece full of images and language that runs counter to the JW lexicon.

The answer is quite simple. I am no longer seeking to be a member of that denomination and decided to step out and finish my spiritual journey in the context of exploring broader Christianity.

Let me do this another way: Like Malcolm X, I am leaving a branch of my faith that indeed gave me the initial training I needed, but at the same time was restrictive to my growth in the essential three: faith, hope and love.

I'll pause a moment and let this sink in.....

*pause*
I wonder when they are going to bring out a new Romance of the Three Kingdoms game?

*play*
As I was saying, much like Malcolm X, I am embarking on my own hajji, my own Damascus journey to draw closer to God and understand his words and requirements. I needed to step out of my spiritual box and see what the rest of the spectrum was like.

Yet, this doesn't explain the "why". Why did I shift? Why did I walk away?

I can't say when it began. Maybe it was that afternoon I sat in Borders in the fall of 2006 and read Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Frantz. Maybe reading his words and listening to the account of one of the JW's governing body talk about the pitfalls and problematics really shock my core.

Or maybe it was the fact that after I started my study, no JW I met could explain to me what happened in 1975, at least honestly. Nobody was willing to explain this outside of "it wasn't us but some apostate." Failure to acknowledge mistakes or errors really turn me off.

Could it been the fact that I've seen the same behaviors in the organization that I saw in the "world". With rare exceptions I saw the same petty egos, nepotism, hustlers and women that I was told to run from in the world.

Was it the fact that in order to be one, as rational as it may seem, also seemed to go against bible training? Why did I have to study first to profess belief my faith in God and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Maybe it was that time I went to church with Wei Yan. I remember going to church with her and being so afraid, having been taught all my life that tongues, holy ghosting, and call and response where evil. I remember Wei Yan trying to explain this wasn't evil but gifts from God to me but I didn't want to listen. Yet there was something so beautiful about that service I never forgot.

Perhaps all of these things laid dormant in the back of my mind. I'm often told that faith and intellect are a bad combo; I don't agree with that but I am guessing I questioned myself right out of my faith.

BUT.....

The real truth is my faith died during LSC and DOF. As one snarky mofo commenter posted a while ago my faith wasn't working and I needed to rethink my position.

During this time I found no comfort in the path I was on, no hope, no alleviation from the pain and it made me think truly about what it was I believed in and why was I on the path of being a JW. I was going through the motions, bible study, going to the Hall, reading the material but on the inside, spiritually I was dead.

I'm not sure who that reflects poorly on: Me or them, what I do know is I needed a major paradigm shift. I began to talk with people I trusted about the matter, people like my CO-MVP's, my brother, Rev. Dr. Wonder Woman, my Chief of Staff and Ekklektia. Each one affirmed what I felt and could not tap: I AM a man of God, I sought to do his will but I needed to restart my faith. They advised me to seek the truth of God on my own and leave behind the regimentation of being a JW. One of my co-MVP's phrased it best: I began to worship out of loyalty to my mother and fear of crossing the line than out of faith. What would happened if I asked God to take that fear from me and guide my steps?

I pondered this long and hard. I asked God for direction.

He answered it in the form of an old friend that had come back into my space. This sister encouraged me and begged me to go to church with her, not unlike my other friends who advised and asked this of me. Maybe it was the fact we were in a dating dynamic, maybe it was she really didn't know the extent of my lack of faith and didn't pressure me, but whatever the reasons, she found the words to get me to at least try one more time going to church. I remember taking these feelings of fear with me when I went into the church with N.R who got me to relax and open up (and for this I am forever grateful).

In spite of these fears, it was a marvelous experience. I was touched. Even moreso those praying and offering prophesy knew what I had going on inside of me. They understood. The brother that put the oil on my head knew. His words calmed my spirit. It made me open up. For the first time in years I felt a connection, I felt the divine presence. I felt God. So I went to church a few more times with N.R. each time soaking it up. I begin to ask everybody I knew questions and absorb as much material as I could. Finally it made sense...again. I got my connection back. I healed and was ready to leave my box and explore the larger landscape of Christianity.

In essence, I defied my fears jumped the fence and found a beautiful world. I found a world that helped me heal and get arise alive in faith, hope and love. Trust me when I tell you that it was scary as heck jumping that fence and looking into something I was raised was wrong and not productive. Trust me when I say that took faith.

I don't want this post to appear to be anti- JW because it's not. ALL denominations from Roman Catholic to Southern Baptist have their errors and potential problematics. JW's are no exception. I am merely stating that denomination is no longer for me. I look at them the same way Malcolm X looked the NOI: I am VERY grateful for the ground work laid, the intital training and introduction to God, but I needed to do something else for a number of reasons. Unlike Malcolm X though I'm not going to bash them as he did the NOI. I have no reason to. They are not my enemy. Besides, My mother and several good friends remain connected to that organization. Can I truly bash my mother or them? No! Honestly, mainstream Christianity could learn (and has already taken quiet as it's kept) a few things from them: dedication to learning the bible and not relying on the interpretation of others, a serious outreach ministry, separation of the pulpit and politics, an examination of a lot of these so called Christian holidays and lastly at least understanding where the name Jehovah (YHWH) comes from. At the same time JW's can learn a whole lot from mainstream Christianity like how to keep your faith and intellect, how to explore the deeper meanings of the bible, how understand poetic devices as opposed to literal readings in the bible and how to reach out across the isle. The boxes aren't aren't always necessary within the faith.

Regardless my path is set. I will find me a nice church home and worship my God. I am going to continue to press towards the mark, continue to learn his word and cultivate my faith. While I am more than willing to do this in the confines of the Christian faith, I am unwilling to do so in the box of a denomination and human dogma, esp when there are unanswered questions.

In Romans 1:16-17 the Apostle Paul writes:

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God who brings salvation to everyone who believes...For in the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed-a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

It is with this faith that I reconnected and will now continue to walk in God's light, do his will and be a better man. With faith in God I have done and can continue to do these and all things...

And only the mistakes have been mine.

Be blessed!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2010
4:30pm

Happy Mother's Day Sisters

"Women (mothers) will make the Revolution" ~Eldridge Leroy Cleaver

Today is Mother's Day, one of the central holidays in the Black Church and by extension the community (along with Christmas and Easter hence CME denomination), a time when most of the average people decide on this one day to actually eat or talk with their mother, go take up all the good seats at the good restaurants they know they cant' afford and bombard the airwaves with shitty poems and limericks dedicated to their mother. This piece is so NOT for you.

But rather you snarky mofo reading this. YOU actually LOVE your mother. You actually talk to her, listen to her, seek her wisdom and try everything in your power to be a solid offspring. This day, while a "holiday", is really just a regular part of your week when you just gotta deal with a few more folks in church and a lil more crowed restaurant. This blog IS dedicated to you.

YOU have kept close the commandment found at Exodus 20:12, you understand that Mama is the first teacher and usually the last teacher. You understand that outside of Jah himself, the one arm you can go cry on the one person to or talk to is Mama.

YOU understand that Mama is a the primary caregiver. Yeah Dad's get all the "props" for providing and protecting but really have you seen dad try to make a birthday cake or lift a car to save a younging like mama? OK, I've never seen the last part either but I'm certain it happened somewhere.

YOU understand that your relationship with your children will determine how they handle other relationships, you understand that they watch you and will adapt and learn.

Simply YOU understand and appreciate the importance of the Queen Mother.

I know I do. I cried with my mama last night. Damn I love me some Tony.

To those of who whose mama is awaiting resurrection, this is for YOU as well, because I know when she was here, you held her down, loved her, even when yall fought. She lives on through you and will do so until time immortal.

And of course to the Single Black Mother's, the new age mothers, the ones who endure, the ones Fantasia sung about...the baby mamas. Thank you. Thank you for doing it when we did not, could not or didn't know how. I've always argued father's get a learning curve. Yall do not.

Thank you for enduring months of bullshit child support payments or no payments. Thank you for not clowning the botched birthdays, missed doctors appointments, and school musicals.

Thank you for remaining friends even after the romantic notion died. I know that as evil as my Baby mama can be, she's been a friggin rock for me during this time. I envy and appreciate this bootleg Mrs. Spock, because in the face of losing BOTH parents in 2008 she didn't bat an eye nor share a tear with the world. She held strong, cried her tears in private and kept it moving. It is a lesson both I and our suns could use. OK just me and Centrell. Debo is a vulcan too.

Thank you for letting us grow.

Thank you for being mother and father.

So on this day, as you push past the CME crowd, as you endure loud ignant banter from the table behind you, simply slide your mama a wink, tell her you love her and continue on. This day is nothing special to you because you have always....

Loved your mama...




Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2009
8:30am