The Duel of Fates: Casual Observation or Active Participation

"There is NO conflict"~Darth Vader

I think the "star" was a lil pissed I had a positive and uplifting birthday because yesterday I received three text messages all managing to hurt/anger me (in the interest of honesty, one of those messages wasn't designed to intentionally do the above, however the gall of the message is what sung me. But the other two....).

Walk with me as I rant a bit snarky mofo reading this.

A Few Fun Facts about me that hopefully you've discerned..........

I hate it when my integrity is questioned. I hate it when I'm honest and doubted. I hate it when I provide answers and they are not accepted. I hate it when I ask a serious question and I am ignored or blown off as if I am not important or something to be dismissed.

As I came up with the concepts to write in this blog I remembered the above quote by Darth Vader, during his showdown with Luke and right before he finally chose to do what was right. Although out of context in a sense the way he said it affirmed that while he was hesitant, while he was not sure of his next immediate move there was no question of his long term objective, even if his methodology left something to be desired. Lord Vader wanted his son, the only family he knew of (at the time) by his side after losing his wife 23 years earlier and for him in that regard there was no conflict.

I was hesitant to use the above quote because there WAS conflict in him, as evident in his failure to win that duel, as evident in his decision to stand up to/betray his master to save his son.

*Pause*
Never say there is no such thing as the philosophy of Star Wars. I mean did I just discern a lesson on conflicts from that throne room duel? Damn I'm good.

*Play*
Such conflicts do occur in the real world; there ARE conflicts within us and to deny them is to deny ourselves. I mean why do we seek out God for protection from the devil if for no other reason than to help resolve/ deal with our conflicts/contradictions? I fully believe that one has to explore these contradictions in totality in order to draw closer to God; to press towards the mark of the higher calling and ultimately reach it.

I explore MY contradictions daily. I look at my friends and my enemies, I look at my hopes and dreams and I realize they represent in truth my sincerest desire for answers to my questions, to make sure that my transitions into a better man is accurate and wise. Never have I sought to deny them, down play them, hide from them or ignore them. It is a quest to reach as humanly possible mental (which consists of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) perfection, no different than the men and women who work out daily.

But at the same time Vader was correct... in theory. In somethings there is/are NO conflict(s); i.e. love of family, love of career, love of culture etc. You simply love these people/ things even when contradictions are present. You embrace them in totality and move on. To illustrate this point in the Black Community I love both the dude selling DVD's in the laundromat and I also love my President. This is a contradiction but also valid expressions of Black Life in 2009.

I know you're wondering where this all came from, esp after the birthday blog. Well I guess I am annoyed this am because I received THREE text messages, one which tried to shame me, one which questioned my honor and the other expressing disappointment in my life choices. In my personal opinion these messages collectively questioned my integrity; it questioned my struggle and struggles. I am further annoyed that in one case when I sought clarification I was meet with silence. I mean really how disrespectful is it to ignore a question. I was raised that one only does that when they deem the question or the person asking the question invalid. I am many things but invalid is not one of them.

Here's the way I see it: The past 128 days, 2 hours, 33 mins, and 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 .....secs (and counting) have been pure emotional hell for me; a hell that is just now letting up. I can count on three fingers the people who tired to understand and "acted" like they care. I put act in quotes because I am sure others cared, I am not that arrogant to believe otherwise, yet many responded like my personal pain would somehow alter their fragile and made up happiness. I have had to meet the sadness, questions, confusion, hurt, anger, bitterness, loneliness, horniness, alone each and every single night, even when I was in the hospital. I have cried alone, walked alone and written alone, and although you have read this journey (and I am grateful for that) I HAVE walked alone. Nobody from from my familia to (the) Queen to Wei Yan has understood truly what this moment in time has done to me. I won't even get started on new responsibly as she has been so wrapped up in her own agenda and showing me how she is now more righteous than everybody she wouldn't know my struggle if kicked her and him in the mouth. I highly doubt anybody has contemplated the magnitude of what it is like to go from being a King to peasant in a matter of days. Or how hard it is to crave a person and not be able to touch them or talk to them. Or dealing with the realization that all of this could have been resolved with a bottle, an honest conversation and a few apologies but just total jackassness stands in the way on all sides. Do you know what's it's like to struggle with forgiving someone who blow their virtue trying to teach you a lesson because of the history and good times you shared. Or what its like dealing with day in and day out conversations on friendship and trust that become like a broken Lenny Williams record? Or let's ask how does one deal with and move forward with the realization somebody has made a unilateral decision on my life; in their sickness and selfishness created a new responsibility I am struggle to place in my life. Or one step further how this person is now asshole number 1, always attempting to shame and manipulate to get what they will never have (at least from me) a ring...even going so far as to leave petty blog comments? No matter what is said or how it's cleaned up I have had to deal with ALL of this, and so much more, alone. I can endure a lot but the last thing I will endure or tolerate is an implication that I have not been above board in all of this. In certain areas and certain agendas there is/are no contradiction(s), there is/was no conflict and if one seemed present it is because I am doing what any smart institution/person would do after a crisis: self reflect and come up with a viable policy to prevent another said crisis. That means exploring, the good the bad and the ugly all the people, places and events that lead up to that moment.

So before anybody sits and judges me, which I have accepted is apart of human existence and really have no problem with, ask yourself have you walked with me. Have you shared my tears? Do you really read the words and healing I pour into this page? Do you really try to empathize with me or is just are you just concerned with your feelings, needs and wants (in the greatest tradition of post modernism) and how all of this effects you? I can say with no ego and no pride I have walked in other people's shoes and reflected, ad nausea, on how all of this is interconnected. Have you?

I told someone this morning in spite of my sadness, depression, challenges and other flaws the one thing I have never been is a coward. I have no problem engaging in the debate, fight or conversation if it will lead to healing and peace. I need nor do I want a easy button. I am a solider, a Prime Minister and a thinker. I hide nothing. Where there is a conflict/contradiction it is addressed. Where there is no contradiction, no conflict my words and my deeds will match. It's there in real life, in black and white, and in my prayers. If you cant see it then its really nothing more I can do.

Now that I got my morning rant off my chest let's get back to the festive August Fest Activities.

Talk to you later blog spot

ALWAYS
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-12-2009
10:22am

Checking In

What's up Snarky Mofo reading this? Nothing much on this end other than I decided to take few days off from writing just to clear my head, gain control of the rolling emotions (which this week is hovering between anger and angst) or at the very least work through them and continue my wonderful walk towards Jehovah.

The storm itself has passed, and while there are still the occasional Grey skies and rain (argh I hate the rain. Mother nature is a rude beeyoch) things aren't that bad and is kinda looking up. Two interviews, teaching possibilities and of course the love of snarky preteen and wild child make it good times, in spite of.

I also believe that I have found the final elements in what caused that perfect Storm which was "A Love Supreme": interpretations and a lack of a higher moral compass. I will go into that in a later piece when my thoughts are a bit clearer.

OK this piece is getting longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line from the Blackberry while stuck in traffic and say PEACE, LOVE and SOOOOOUUUULLLLL.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-28-2009
4:01pm

In the middle of the Night.....

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write.....

Heirs to the throne:

I gotta thank Jehovah for my children. I mean they truly inspire me and motivate me. After the Saturday I had, I just wanted to lay in bed and well I wrote how I felt and wont sully this blog with those thoughts. It's amazing that no matter how down I get Snarky Pre Teen and Wild Child are there to pick me up and encourage me. You combine that with the wisdom that is my Queen Mother Tony and it is very had to stay in a dark place. I managed to get out a smile or two, I even managed to eat a bite with my fluctuating appetite. I truly love my suns, my sons, my heirs, my legacy my polar opposites. Sometimes, while asking where would I be if...I need to remind myself that life with them is a never ending blessing. I don't want them to use their young energy to restore me all the time, but I ain't gonna lie days like yesterday was a welcome jolt.

Thanks Guys....


Who Do I write for...

A comment was left on my blog asking if I write for attention or if I write hoping she's reading. Well I guess the answer is in an albeit snarky manner is yes I write for attention and yes I hope she's reading and no I don't write for attention and I hope she's isn't reading.. Confused? I figured you would be. Let me explain. I'm a blogger, so by definition I want people to read what I write, I have what I believe to be insight on the notion and institution of Black love and want to share with all you people who may or may not be reading. But even if nobody does read this or stops reading this blogging is a very therapeutic release for me. 9 times out of 10, I feel a helluva lot better once I finish blogging. In terms of her, well yes I hope she reads. Since we're not speaking and I seem to always say something overly emotional or gay when we talk I think the blog is, as of right now, the best insight into my mind. This blog is an insight in to my heart, mind, conscious and soul. But at the same time its not a propaganda tool, and I'd rather she not read often or any of my other "subjects" because the Hawthorne Effect is real and when you know people are watching you tend to say and do the right thing in order to achieve a goal. Straight, No Chaser is not a political tool, nor a propaganda item. It's my free therapy and I will do whatever to keep it that way. Speaking of her...

She really don't love you, let her go...

I hear this often and honestly I need to stop letting folks tell me that. I am a firm believer that love is not created overnight, nor can it be destroyed. So while we aren't talking, while my imagination is running wild over here on the South Side, I can't honestly say she don't still love a negro to death. This ain't about love but...about...honestly...I ain't figured that part out. I am going to have to be very careful who I accept council from because the last two times I've listened to this hearsay I've gotten in trouble big time (the situation with Nickjack and the situation with W.Y.). Sometimes you gotta follow your gut and my gut tells me......
well never mind that snarky mofo reading this. Now if I can only get my ADD under control long enough to fix...whatever...I don't know it's 3 in the am.

Just get over it...

Another of my recent favorites and it took an old (new) friend to remind me that our spirits and emotions react to things differently. I could be more positive, less dramatic and listen more but these "minor" flaws do not negate the validity of my emotions and anybody who minimizes how I feel and the pain I'm in now really ain't down for me. I'll keep that in mind...

Technology

I FINALLY MASTERING BLOGGING FROM THE BLACKBERRY. It's linked together. So now I can stop using voice recorder and napkins to jot down ideas. Man you gotta love technology.

OK, my cocoa just kicked in. I'm lay it down again.

Nite Blogspot

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-11-2009
3:45am

Happy Mother's Day Sisters

"Women (mothers) will make the Revolution" ~Eldridge Leroy Cleaver

Today is Mother's Day, one of the central holidays in the Black Church and by extension the community (along with Christmas and Easter hence CME denomination), a time when most of the average people decide on this one day to actually eat or talk with their mother, go take up all the good seats at the good restaurants they know they cant' afford and bombard the airwaves with shitty poems and limericks dedicated to their mother. This piece is so NOT for you.

But rather you snarky mofo reading this. YOU actually LOVE your mother. You actually talk to her, listen to her, seek her wisdom and try everything in your power to be a solid offspring. This day, while a "holiday", is really just a regular part of your week when you just gotta deal with a few more folks in church and a lil more crowed restaurant. This blog IS dedicated to you.

YOU have kept close the commandment found at Exodus 20:12, you understand that Mama is the first teacher and usually the last teacher. You understand that outside of Jah himself, the one arm you can go cry on the one person to or talk to is Mama.

YOU understand that Mama is a the primary caregiver. Yeah Dad's get all the "props" for providing and protecting but really have you seen dad try to make a birthday cake or lift a car to save a younging like mama? OK, I've never seen the last part either but I'm certain it happened somewhere.

YOU understand that your relationship with your children will determine how they handle other relationships, you understand that they watch you and will adapt and learn.

Simply YOU understand and appreciate the importance of the Queen Mother.

I know I do. I cried with my mama last night. Damn I love me some Tony.

To those of who whose mama is awaiting resurrection, this is for YOU as well, because I know when she was here, you held her down, loved her, even when yall fought. She lives on through you and will do so until time immortal.

And of course to the Single Black Mother's, the new age mothers, the ones who endure, the ones Fantasia sung about...the baby mamas. Thank you. Thank you for doing it when we did not, could not or didn't know how. I've always argued father's get a learning curve. Yall do not.

Thank you for enduring months of bullshit child support payments or no payments. Thank you for not clowning the botched birthdays, missed doctors appointments, and school musicals.

Thank you for remaining friends even after the romantic notion died. I know that as evil as my Baby mama can be, she's been a friggin rock for me during this time. I envy and appreciate this bootleg Mrs. Spock, because in the face of losing BOTH parents in 2008 she didn't bat an eye nor share a tear with the world. She held strong, cried her tears in private and kept it moving. It is a lesson both I and our suns could use. OK just me and Centrell. Debo is a vulcan too.

Thank you for letting us grow.

Thank you for being mother and father.

So on this day, as you push past the CME crowd, as you endure loud ignant banter from the table behind you, simply slide your mama a wink, tell her you love her and continue on. This day is nothing special to you because you have always....

Loved your mama...




Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2009
8:30am

"Taking the Easy Way" or "On my terms"or "This Right HERE is Some Bullshit"

"I have dreamed a dream and now that dream is gone from me." ~Morpheus

Let me state that I'm not blaming anybody. I am not putting my emotional sadness and distress on anyone. This is not a fault finding piece.

I'm just writing and venting. My eyes are swollen from tears and lack of sleep. I don't want to call any friends because I don't want to hear any platitudes.

I'm officially in trouble. I know this and at the same time I'm uncertain of how to stop it. If you take the Battle Weary feeling I had this summer, multiply it by 35 then you have the emotional depths I have sunken too in thirty days.

I realize that when my suns cant even make me smile, when I have to pull over on the Dan Ryan for ten minutes to cry that I am in trouble.

There is a battle for my soul and I am unsure of the outcome. Part of me keeps saying that I will answer the bell every round and give it my all; but there is another part of me that wants to take the gloves off and quit.

I'm frustrated, isolated (by choice), not sleeping, barely eating, suffering from nightmares, migraines, sad and heartbroken confused. I realize tonight while crying on the expressway I am heartbroken .

Right now I feel worse than when my dad died. I am struggling.

For the first time in a looooooooooong time I honestly thought about killing myself tonight. What did Scarface once rhyme? "Bang and get it ova with. Then I'm worried free..but that's bullshit"

Fear of the unknown keeps me from walking down this dark path. What would be said the morning after? Would I be villianized further? Would it silence my shame or intensify it? And what of my suns? And its bullshit to go out that way but still......I keep thinking of them.....

My heirs, my lifeline in this sea of emotions. The only two people I can hug and not be judged and seen as weak.

or whack.

or lost.

or unhappy.

or unstable.

Because I am in serious mourning and enduring a trial.

Trials.....

I tried to read the bible tonight, but I couldn't focus. So many emotions and memories swimming in my head. So many voices.

I've lost a lot this past month. More than you or anybody will care to know or maybe understand.

I honestly can only think of one person who may understand. Irony. Its a bitch to lose a dream.

Perhaps, I just need to sleep. Then maybe my imagination will stop running wild, maybe my feelings of inadequacy will go away, maybe the memories will silence the voices and whispers.And maybe my imagnation will stop running wild.

I need to lay down. Tomorrow I have to get up and help my suns plan mothers day for their mother. I have to answer the bell.

I have to fight the darkness....but honestly, I.so.tired.

I'm going to go try to sleep now.

Goodnight my unpaid snarky mofo therapist reader(s),

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-9-2009
11:15pm

Sins of the Father Pt. 8: Dreams

"I need you to protect my wife and protect this house" ~LeMar Thomas

For the third time this month I've dreamt of my father. Not just any dream but a lucid dream, where he is sitting there, or cooking or laughing. In this last dream, he just walked through the front door in his funeral suit, upset that we buried him and didn't even leave him a sandwich. He sat in his favorite chair and told me to get off the computer.

He also lowered his head and told me he was SO disappointed in me. He then proceeded to assign me some menial tasks to complete for him, "favors" he used to call them and he asked these favors when he was annoyed with you and wanted you out of his sight.

Needless to say I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I woke up with asking myself what WOULD he say if he walked through that door right now. Would he be proud of me? Would he be satisfied with the outcome of the tasks he asked me to complete? Would he be glad I'm carrying his name? Would I get that smile that I so often sought as a little boy and adult man, but rarely got?

If I were to answer this question honestly then I would have to say no. My father would be very disappointed in me. I haven't been protected his family, I haven't held my mom down as I should and I haven't..well shit there's a lot of things I haven't done.

I know for a fact he would be thoroughly disappointed in how I've made a mess of some many things, both professional and personal. He once praised me for being the best tactical mind he knew, the one person to stand tall and calm during the storms and the one person who would know what to do when it needed to be done. He truly would shake his head in disbelief at how I've operated the past two years. This morning, this gloomy morning it gives me a lot to think about as I talk with Jehovah and as I take a morning drive.

I read that I could be experiencing an early midlife crisis. I'm at the half way point and I'm looking at my victories, defeats and draws. I'm looking at where I wanted my life to go as opposed to where it has gone. I've looked at loved lost, esp this past month and I think I'm up to the third woman that was supposed to be a slam dunk in the wife category. Or at the least the second. I look at my credit score and.....

and I realize this is all the trick of the devil to slow me down and make me gloomy. But still I struggle with things. I mean the skills and qualities once revered: Intelligence, cunning, passion, and persistence, are now seen as flaws. There was a time me fighting for Queen would have been seen as beautiful and inspirational, now its gotten me cleanly put into the crazy box, even if it is beautiful and inspirational. There was a time where my intelligence and cunning made me the center of attention, now its isolated me.

I don't know. I just know today I gotta lot to talk to Jehovah about, a lot to cry about and even a lot to smile about.

I can smile at the fact that I've given CJ and Debo my all. He would be proud of that. I can smile that my sons and I share a bond, and they often give me the well needed boost. I can smile that they are well behaved, happy, handsome and smart. He would smile at them too.

Esp Devin ;-).

Still, in the morning, I will have to talk to my dad. He will want answers as to why I haven't completed some tasks. He will want to know why I stopped thinking and acting and became reactionary. LeMar will want answers and as a former CPD detective he will get them. He also had that gift.

Hopefully, I'll have better answers by the time we meet.

I miss you LeMar.

Straight, No Chaser
5-9-2009
10:39am

The Longest Day Or How I feel, cried and fought off the darkness today OR I have no cleaver title.

"Laugh and the World Laugh's With you."
Weep and you weep Alone ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"You're dad, you can overcome anything" ~Eldest Sun

I got my ass whupped today. The wonderful emotions of doubt, fear, anger and sadness spent the majority of the day kicking the shit out of me until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I had no other recourse but to try to sleep it off.

Of course though that kind of mercy would have been to much to ask. Instead I fell into a crying spell that swole my eyes and dried my throat.

It seems the sun of the mourning wont go away with a bitter fight. Of course not. The minute I start talking bout Jah, faith, hope and love, he commences to putting an emotional and mental ass whuppin on me. Cute. Real Cute.


I guess the weather and the loneliness is finally took its total today, the rain, the gloom the feelings of abandonment and being alone. I don't think any of my friends understand my pain, and if they do they only can offer so much assistance. I don't think they really understand that this isn't a "heartbreak" but something more, a sensation I haven't felt before.

I keep wondering am I the only one upset, the only one crying..the voice in my head that sounds an awful like my father is telling me that "it's over", "she ain't thinking bout you" and "nobody cares". That voice is reminding me that men cry in the dark and we cry alone.

Then another voice tells me that I am alone on this one, whether I fight or not, I'm alone and the cavalry won't be coming over the hill. I lament at the thought, but judging by the responses of my loved ones when I seek their advice it appears to be the case.

There all these words. I struggle to hear Jah. Its an empty day.

I try to log on Facebook, but I go places I shouldn't and see things I don't understand. It only makes my chest tighter. Today I had my baby mama lock my account, change the password, and keep me out. It would be sad to have a heart attack ova Facebook ya know.

I want blog, but shit 22 blogs and we aren't half way through the month? Besides, I'm tired of the anonymous comments telling me that I was a fool, I wasn't loved, I got what I deserve. Friggin cowards. At least W.Y. used to sign her work. She was gangsta. Yall just scary.

I hate days like this. I have to deal with this sadness. I almost wish it was a heartbreak, I really do. I can deal with the heartbreak. This...I cant fathom.

Wanna here something crazy, as I laid in bed crying my eldest sun comes into the room to comfort me. I was sicken that my 12 year old let me lay on him and cry. Then in a moment of innocence, he says "Guess who called me yesterday?" I know the answer before he even tells me. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten them, I'm glad they still have that presence even if I don't. A small victory. But it only makes me cry harder when he leaves. I feel like shit for mourning in front of him. He comes back to remind me that I'm the best dad in the world and I can overcome anything. I smile weakly and give him some suga. He is my heir apparent yall.

I know its not as bad as it seems, I do have a support team: BFL, babymama, Ishamaria, lil sis. But still my mind...the voices...I cant shake them, well at least today the voices that wish to see my finally give in couldn't be silenced.

But even in the face of that I got up and made it through the day. No matter what happens, no matter how many mental and emotional ass whuppins I take I'm not going to yield....


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
11:35pm

The Solider and the Gypsy

"Not The Greatest of Distance
Nor the Longest of Years Can Separate the Two
For They Passed They Test,
The Test of Seven Tears." ~L.S. Thomas

Its funny how I started writing this piece before Valentine's day, but never could find the words to complete it. It's crazy how many times I sat down to finish this tribute, but never got the words to flow.

Perhaps this is because as you once stated so comically and snarkly "You can't write unless you're mad or sad. Maybe I need to quit you so you can write again." Heh Irony. Gotta love Irony. Since that "lovelock down weekend", I've written incessantly. Actually I'm quite tired from all the writing. I welcome my upcoming hiatus from blogging with open arms.

However, before I leave I wanted to complete this task; to let you know why I refuse to yield, why I refuse to get accept the present as future and the past as done.

*sigh* No intellectual coyness. I refuse to give up because you are important not ONLY to me but to my suns, who see you as their mother as well. You are loved. You are a great friend.

In spite of our problems, you have often referred to what we have/had as beautiful. Even at its craziest you laid next to me and said "this shit is real."

I often think back to our first meeting, well what I can remember because of well...you know why and what I do remember is us smiling like crazy, talking about everything under the sun.

I shift to the many times we tried to connect, but nothing. I know I was battling with the challenge of death (my father) and you with the challenge of life (young sun). But we never forgot each other

We came back to the middle.

I remember us sitting in Borders laughing, exchanging one liners, talking, our first kiss. I remember the April we thought we were going to do it then walked away.

I remember your timely arrival at the end of last year, almost at the same time Obama made his ascent. How's that for change?

I look at all these signs and either I'm crazy or this is meant to be. Probably both.

Yes we've had adjustments and challenges. It was so simple but at times we both made it hard. Still...

I refuse to believe after one crazy visit and a week(end) of headaches, that is no longer the truth. I'm sorry. After years of "miscues" "close calls" and false prophets I now have discernment; I now understand the difference and what we had was real. Correction. What we have IS real.

You and I know this.

In your retrospection piece, you outlined a plan of action that was both practical and real. We just lacked morale and patience. It is my hope that during this time we will have gained both, in addition to discernment to make our dream come true. Well also acquisition of that final cord: Jah.

The Solider and The Gypsy represented our strongest qualities. For the longest time I was afraid of this truth within me, I was kinda jealous you embraced yours with such fervor. But it is the truth. I am a warrior, a warrior who fights for his beliefs, his family, his peace. You are a Gypsy, but not in the traditional sense. You seek peace, freedom, positivity while no less fighting for what you believe in.

People reading this will no doubt ask "Well if it was all that what happened?" Well snarky mofo reading this it was no doubt a matter of timing.

The Gypsy tired from other dynamics need to recharge, the Butterfly within needed to rest her wings and catch a moment. But she tried, to fly, tried to soar but.just.could.not.

The Solider, like all soldiers returning home from war, had a hard time adjusting. He lacked discernment when to fight and when to yield. He understood the Art of War, but did not study The Way of Peace. He didn't heed the words found at Proverbs 15:1, nor the words found at James 1:19-20. No, he still conducted himself as if he was on the front lines...which was sad as there was no battle in this environment.

So now we're at a place were both re centered, both are healing and catching our breaths. We are at a place where we can tweak a few things then return to the table.

The Solider once told the gypsy he didn't believe in fairy tales. He told her he only believed in what he saw and could control. But that was a lie; like her he believed in the endings of Love Jones, he craved happily ever after. But how can a solider whose seen only battle confess to dreaming happy dreams? The front lines didn't afford such pleasures often but verily I say to you he did dream.

Two people, Two Hearts, Two Souls, Two Minds hoping to be together until the end of time.

A love story written by the hands of Jah himself. Can the actors learn their lines and remember their parts?

Two people 1 heart, 1 soul 1 mind..can do this.

We have the same objectives. Remember what Malcolm X said about objectives and methodologies.

We have our steps. We have our tasks.

The Solider and The Gypsy. A true representation of Black Love. Every dynamic has these components. And please note the role of Solider and Gypsy is not gender specific.

Every Black Couple...

In the other is a representation of what we want, I want my sense of free spirit back; you the security and stability.

And we both want a happy ending.

So let's do what we have to do, following the steps we've outlined and make it so.

It will be alright, Lauryn Hill didn't lie.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2009
10:25am

A Love Supreme Pt. 2: Voices

"I hear voices in my head, they come to me, they understand...they talk to me" ~Randy Orton

"The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night"~Kid Cudi

"Sometimes It feels like Everything Is passin' me by... My ship has gone and sailed away" ~K Jon

I am not sure if I was sleep or awake. It all seemed so real. I believe the term is lucid (thanks Dre). I was washing dishes, singing to myself and I heard a familiar voice, one that I have come to love and adore asking me "Are you OK Mr. Thomas?" I turn around and see her standing there..locs back and smiling. I hear the boys in the room playing. I move to touch her and nothing happens.

Phone beeps. An email. I hear the young sun say my name. I respond.

Nothing. Phone buzzes. I pick it hoping for the best. Unknown Caller.

Not quite a nightmare. A lucid dream. A few steps from a nightmare.

Night 6. I've eaten, I'm out of vodka and like that Lenny Williams song where he "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh" for about 6 minutes I'm tired of my video games and books. I cant stand the radio, because it seems all they banter about is that dumb ass Steve Harvey book or remedial concepts on love.

God I'd kill for some vodka.

I got up out of my bed and walked to the bathroom. My mother was on the computer doing her bible study when she asked "another nightmare". I told her no, that the nightmares haven't returned and she said nodded in approval. She asked me to come listen to a talk by one of the Brothers at the Hall on relationships. It is a good talk. I'll use some of it in a later blog.

I realize at this point I am not "heartbroken". I am not "crushed" but rather sad and disappointed. I am sad and disappointed that it wouldn't click or rather we lacked discernment to make it click. I'm disappointed that I still struggle with arrogance and intellectual coyness.

I AM worried and nervous; worried that I am already forgotten and nervous that I will never get that chance again. I know in my heart this is what I want but honestly the days of uber depression are gone, well gone when it comes to matters of the heart. Yeah I may sleep a few days to clear my head, maybe mope but nobody else will send me to the hospital. This revelation makes me smile.

Yet, I hear voices...I kept hearing "Mr. Thomas" and it does make me long. It does make me want to hug her and look at her. I miss our banter, our convo. I realize its just been a week or so, but when you have someone like that...their divine presence is easily missed. I keep hearing the laughter of children.

I also hear voices..telling me that this was too hard and the simple solution, the easiest solution is to forget about the past six months and return to a place of comfort. A seductive offer, but while it may be the quicker path, it is not the best path.

I keep hearing voices that tell me that not to worry. Every great dynamic had its bumps. Even Michelle had to call Barack to the fire; its arrogant to think I would be different.

Voices...They come to me...they understand...

I am lonely right now and I believe that is complicating matters. Well I have chosen isolation because I hate platitudes. I hate the other fish in the sea speech. I hate the it will get better speech. I hate keep your head up etc all from people hugged up and giddy.

In a sense I lost my best friend or rather am distanced from it and it hurts ya know. I was able to think..well about everything except us. Things were clear...except with us...friggin irony and well...I miss playing in her locs.

In a way I thank Jah for the other challenges: my suns school situation, me trying to build the resources to move, AUSL, all that. It keeps me focused. But in the moments between moments I realize that I am missing that piece.

Yeah K Jon I am out there on the ocean....and I cant swim. Ain't that a bitch.

Who gets up at three am and thinks of shit like this. A Lonely loner.

Its funny those songs would play first on my computer. They describe it too a "T".

I pull up the poem by Langston Hughes "A Dream Deferred":



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Good question, Langston good question.

Or does it really matter. Bane would argue "Dreams are lies we tell ourselves when we sleep"

Stevie says "Dreams do come true."


Iono. All this thinking got my head hurting and I gotta drive two snarky kids to school in the am.

I'm try to sleep now...but still...I hear voices...trying to free my mind at night...out there on the ocean.

Heh. God I'm good with a lyrical blade.

That makes me smile.
Still...

I miss her and little sun. I do.

Rest easy blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2009
3:36AM (written)
(posted 10:07am damn wow cable.)