The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

I did too much didn't I?

"As it is You boast in your arrogant schemes.
All such boasting is evil."~ James 4:16 (TNIV)

OK...um...yeah.

So I made the brilliant (sic) decision to challenge myself to match last year's April blog output in sorta a "I'll show you" attitude which in turn led me to make some pretty bold predictions. Of course, as with most things the hyperbole doesn't necessarily meet up with reality. I guess this is what the bible writer James meant when he advised against "boasting in your arrogant schemes"

I see now the issue isn't my writing skills but rather A) the energy I was drawing on and b) how that same energy effected my time. In essence, I'm not mopping around crying over how unfair I was treated, drinking vodka and listening ad nausea to "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Whithers but rather praising, worshiping and walking with God, being with my heirs, and working with kids who make me want to do more than drink Vodka. I decided for spiritual, emotional, and mental reasons to kip up and do what the rest of the world was doing....enjoy the hell out my time on this planet.

I also made the mistake of locking myself into a paradigm. I really don't want my blog to become the 700 club, yet at the same time I'm experiencing a spiritual awaking that I never had before (even in all my years of "studying"); after sharing my pain I should and will share my joy.

You really would laugh if knew how many saved drafts I have on this thing. I will get the spirit, start writing a brilliant piece, then realize I don't want to sit in front of the computer anymore, save it with the promise of coming back to it, then go live life. Next thing I know I've gotten five or six drafts and well behind my projected outcome. Oh and on top of that I got a bold prediction to make come true. Man I can be such a queef.

Ironically though I find this to be most excellent.

I am glad Jah (who is forever praised Amen) has removed me from the place and space where my only emotional outlet was blogspot; I'm glad I am removed from the mental and emotional arena where my snarky loyal readers took more interest (even if that interest wasn't always altruistic) than those in my life.

My life...it feels so frigging good to have it back.

With all of this said, I really am not ready to abandon my personal challenge. I have 19 days left to pull out a miracle and I intend on doing just that.

But even if I don't I'm damn proud of my discoveries, recoveries and lifestyle change...

You have no clue how truly thankful I am for this.

In truth and transparency
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-10-2010
2:13pm

A Sinner's Prayer....and Atonement.

"I'm so that God still hears a sinner's prayer"~Deitrick Haddon

Recently a ghost from my past found me (thanks to my Zeta Tribute blog), to check and see how I have been living the past few years since our brief internship. She felt inclined to reach out because she was shocked that I acknowledged (due to some of my immaturity) we didn't do to well. Curiosity can be like that I guess, it can make you re-visit spaces that otherwise we wouldn't go back to. I am sure this was no different.

As we progressed in the conversation, I explained to her some of my journeys since we last parted company; I also shared with her my (at the time) budding spiritual change and how part of that was confessing sins and leaving it with God. She asked me if I truly was sorry for how I acted towards her and I told her I was. She then asked if I was going to go back and apologize to all of the women I hurt and I let her know that I was not going to do such a thing. I made the point that I left the matter with God, I confessed, and if he saw fit to give me his grace I would accept its (like one has a choice). This isn't a negro version of "My Name is Earl" and I was not going to traverse the country trying to correct karma.

Judging from her text response, and I could be wrong, she didn't seem convinced. I think she felt, like most people would, that I needed to and should go back and make atonement to every single individual otherwise I wronged otherwise my change and redemption wouldn't be valid. Of course from my understanding of the Word doesn't tell me that or even really requires that of me but it did beg a very real question.

In the opening lines of the beautiful song "Sinner's Prayer" Deitrick Haddon sings:

I walked to the church ya'll
on a Sunday morning
stood outside contemplating
whether I should walk through the door
you see a lot of folks know me
from way back when
people holding me to
all those past sins....

...which describes my feelings to the letter. After the utter madness of last year, in which I walked away more bruised, scared, and spiritually dead than anybody else, I do sometimes worry as I pray, go to church and try to actually manifest change in my life if those in my space will accept and believe this moment of awakening; to be honest I also slightly worry if my critics will find this change true. I am sure nothing would please them more than me failing in trying to draw closer to Jesus and live out the life he has promised me. Negroes have a nasty habit of dancing and spiting on my grave.

But I'm not so worried about my critics as I am worried about people in my circle who often treat spiritual matters as something of a fad. I admit folks always swearing they gone do right. I keep hearing about the "old Terrance", or the "Terrance of a few years ago" or even how I was broken last year and asked how a sudden change can happen "all of a sudden."

*pause* And I assure you this did not happen "all of a sudden". This has been a long real process.

*play*

My desire to do better is often met with in different skepticism and it does make doing what I need to do a little harder.

But I can't let this stop me ya know?

I accept that my past is relevant. I often argued that if you forget your past then you don't know your future. I do believe the past can be (if allowed) prologue. I am not saying that if I made a mistake or hurt somebody it should be swept over. NOT AT ALL. But let me illustrate: A person can not get caught stealing from a friend and a few months later attempt to come around and not offer any apology or restitution. But what if that friend who was caught apologizes and then says that they have given the matter to God and demonstrates this change with faith and good works? Can we really still hold that past over such a person? Could we deny that transformation is real based solely on our anger? Will not their faith and actions prove its own point? Should that person care or even try to persuade us? Surely not! At the same time if a person returns engaged in the same ole type of shenanigans they were before then yes you may have to look at the historical record. In essence what I am saying is that I have reaped what I've sown, I've paid the price and now it is time for me to move forward with my life and my walk as a man of God. As arrogant as it sounds (which is not my intent) I really can't be worried that I didn't atone for every little sin because as I said in the beginning I've made peace with who I needed too, My Lord and Savior, and anything else is kinda pointless.

I think what motivates me in this position is the counsel found a Romans 3:23 in which the Apostle Paul writes "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; with this wisdom I understand that no matter how bad I've been there are others who have been equally scummy. In this regard I am no different than most people. But it's the Apostle's words in the following verse that lets me know that regardless of how people see my change, this process is real and God approved. Paul goes on to write: "and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." This makes me smile because I understand that in spite of my errors and even in lieu of the (dis)approval of others, my process (grounded in faith) is God approved. As morally praiseworthy as it is to go back and say "Hey I'm sorry" to everybody I hurt it is not morally obligatory. I said I was sorry to who I needed too and with the rest of it I took to God.

Of course grace and forgiveness doesn't give me a free card to go out and commit old sins new ways repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. Again Paul's counsel is wise in this regard. He tells us: "we are those who died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" I keep this mind because a major part of this or any shift/ behavior change is the abandonment of ideas and concepts that led to the darkness, the fall and ultimately to the selfish acts which may have hurt others and in fact did hurt others.

The old Terrance is quickly dying off, mortally wounded in a war that should not have been. In his place will rise a man who was broken, but healed, a sinner seeking grace through faith and achieving success everyday.

I can not change what I have done in the past, I can only control what I do now and KNOW that it will impact who I will be in the future...

And that IS and WILL be as a man of God, walking in faith and righteousness...

I sincerely pray that is good enough for you folks...it's good enough for me

And certainly good enough for my Creator (who is forever praised Amen).

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2010
4:45pm

Scared, No Skills or Both: Exploring Communication in Relationships.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one."~Matt 5:37 (NIV)

So this afternoon I became engaged in the conversation about "communication" in relationships with two of my beloved sisters on the Council of Ten. Each seemed to be annoyed with the man in their lives who, for whatever reason, seemed unable to effectively communicate; in some cases these men either flat out lied or avoid the conversation on some very serious issues. Since we support each other readily in ALL matters they sought out me for advise on "why do men behave this way."

I confess that as a man who is an excellent, straightforward communicator, that their questions left me dumbfounded. I'm old school and I was trained men should be upfront and say what's on their mind (with respect and tact). I was taught that men shouldn't be afraid to communicate; seriously what is the other party gonna do? Kick your butt? So to me (and I mean their guys no real disrespect) these dudes weren't men or rather weren't acting like men in those moments and I had no logical or illogical answer for them.

I don't want to, in my time spiritual rebirth, to imply all of my communication has been flawless. It has not. On this very blog I have sometimes conveyed the wrong message or allowed the wrong emotion to guide my thinking. I assure you that I've also dropped the ball in my personal life. Shit just last year in a moment of emotional immaturity and using the wrong communication technique I....

Well you know THAT story...

However my point isn't necessary about the flaws of communication. Those things happen. My commentary is on the men who don't communicate and don't try to communicate. Yeah sometimes, due to imperfection and ignance we get the communication wrong but still I think it's downright horrible not to try to communicate.

*pause*
But if I really want to be intellectually honest (I do), then I need to right now include the sisters in this lil rant because yall, can be equally horrible communicators.
*play*

So what is at the heart of this problem. What makes people double talk, hide, refuse to speak up and all other sorts of nonsense. What makes a person hide from or ignore conversations the other person in that shared space deem important.

I thought about this briefly, looking at my own life as a model; I compared my actions on both sides of the fence in an attempt to discern what really is at work during these times.

The answer in my view is quite simple: People who engage in this behavior are emotionally immature as well as emotional cowards. I concede I don't know which is worst: being emotionally immature or an emotional coward. I mean I've been emotionally immature, yet I have never been an emotional coward.

Yet, in this regard they do go hand and hand. 98% of the folks who are emotionally immature I would bet are also emotional cowards and generally this leads to emotional abuse. These people lack the maturity (and by extension the skills) to effectively outline their needs and wants. They don't know how to communicate and problem solve so they hide from any emotional entanglement outside of the basic primal emotions that come out during sex or when they are tearing down the other party emotionally.

*pause*
In another moment of intellectual honesty, I must confess there have been two women in my past, Soror Sage and The Nurse, who would on the surface have fit the notion of an emotional coward (on paper) but that really wasn't the deal. In both of these cases, the sisters dodged conversations with me because they felt my skills at persuasion where that damn good I would have gotten them to reverse their position and come back to something they felt wasn't healthy. Rather than do that, these wonder women simply avoided me. It was crude but effective. I reckon my persuasion skills ARE that good ;-).
*play*

Like physical cowards, they know they can't hang so they dodge, hide, avoid, play sick, speak Spanish and do all sorts of other nonsense to stay out of the emotional dialogue. Of course when hiding doesn't work, like in the physical they resort to violently outward antics in the emotional (and I reckon mental) realm. In a sense it makes them seem double-minded, on the one hand they often profess undying love, swear to God, promise to die for you, etc but on the other hand they avoid (again unless they trying to have sex or bully you into leaving the conversation) the most essential component to a relationship: effective, honest, communication. It is my sincere belief that until we/they/us tackle this notion of emotional immaturity and emotional cowardice then we won't be able to touch the notions of lack of emotion, unsatisfied emotions, or even emotional abuse. We will continue to be on that hamster wheel, trying to convince the other of the worthiness of our emotional needs and space.

Of course this begs the question of why we as humans keep investing in these junk bonds offered by people who take one of our most prized components and utterly crap on them. Do we feel we can't do better? Do we lack the skills to move on? Do we lack the courage? Are we that sexually whupped? I do not know and there isn't enough space here to even divulge into this here. I will simply submit that at some point we all have to look at this aspect and answer the very hard question on whether our returns are meeting our investments.

Like most things I argue that too is tied into fear, and that fear comes from an immature handling of a perceived lack of skills. More importantly when one lacks faith they fall into this habit of taking mess.

But again, I don't to explore that here. Maybe in another blog. For now I will simply tell my sisters to force the conversation, make these men be men and guard your hearts.

More importantly, I would tell them to act, as always, in truth and transparency about their needs.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2010
8:00pm

The 2008 Awards

"The Jokes write themselves" ~Soror Sage

Before I announce the 2008 MVP, the one friend who stood above all the rest and helped me in ways no other could, I would like to send a few shout outs to the people and moment who made this year laughable, fucked up, interesting, etc. These are the highlights and low lights of 2008. Enjoy

Gayest Myspace Moment: (TIE) Terrance and Devin.

My brother Devin getting a message from some dude calling himself "Sexyboo". It worst than delicious, it worst than some random instant message, its just gay.

The other one goes to me, for adding random people for my game applications without checking profiles and discovering some of these doods were apart of National Homo Associations, advocating gay park sex and a bunch of other stuff. Indeed, I was totally shocked.

Kindest Act: Shannon Burns

After discovering my boy was giving my then Executive Assistant the Jim Dean, I was floored. His not giving a fuck and her betrayal really put me in a fucked up mood. Of course all of this went down 48hrs before my birthday. Without any plans and seemingly no one to talk to, a friend took me to dinner at 10:30pm just so I can have a birthday event.

Best Gift: The XBOX 360

As I said in an earlier blog, I was a broke ass in the early part of this year. Being Mr. Mom and having for a time no social life made me revert back to the primal stage. So I get the brilliant idea to buy me a next gen console for my birthday. But there was one small problem; I had a very limited income. So I went to several members of my online family and requested instead of the usual bottles of vodka they would usually send each person donate 50 dollars to my pay pal account. While most of my online fam scoffed at the notion, enough did put on so I could get my my Xbox360. I truly appreciated this.

Best Evening: (TIE: My Birthday, the Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour drinking session)

As I stated earlier my birthday was totally wrecked and I had planned on sitting in the house drinking and crying. However Baby Mama, lil Sister Janae, Brina D, and my boy Jarmelle all decided that was wack and put in to take me to Dave and Busters. The ensuing comedy, my Avon Barksdale impersonations and winning the shake maker made this a night to remember.

The Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour Drinking sessions are [CLASSIFIED: S3 or Emperor's Eyes Only]. Sorry bout that. Just know it won.

Biggest Flop: Baby Mama's sister.

She was supposed to come up here when baby mama's mother got sick and help out. When grandma (as the kids called her) died she was supposed to provide a stable backup and relief system for babymama. She was supposed to be a big sister. Instead she turned out to be the most negative, simple minded slack jawed yokel on the planet. From running the air 24-7, to sitting in the dark 24-7 and watching CSI, to sitting on my space 24-7 to eating 6 months of groceries in 4 hrs to running up the phone bills to one hundred thousand trillion she was just ugh. A kinder me would call her uncivilized and depressed. A less kind me would call her a sponge and a hobo. Guess which Terrance is typing this? Right. Fucking sponge

Most Perseverance: Baby Mama.

Anybody who loses both their Father and Mother in a span of six months, deal with the planning of memorial services, deal with a hardheaded baby daddy, and deal with a fucking sponge of a sister and endures a whole host of comedic characters wins this one hands down. She truly has not even had time to mourn her loses. She met each challenge well and I'm proud she is the mother of my children and a friend. Good shit Rhonda, good shit.

Best Vacation: (TIE: State of the Black World and The BMW Meet and Greet)

It was a wonderful experience visiting New Orleans, seeing the Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, looking at the rebuilding and hanging out with Maisha and Dan. It was also a classic moment when we went to the National Obama Hater Convention that was the Tavis Smiley State of the Black Union Convention. I guess my time at OH and its intellectual strength spoiled me, because there was nothing of substance of value to be found there. I'm glad Dick Gregory checked them ape coons. For real. I'm even happier Obama won. Made all them haters look stupid. We see you. Hi Haters.

The Meet and Greet was a gift from a friend and I can tell you it was one for the record books. I swear to Black Jesus its one thing to get to know someone on the net, but to party with them in person, LAWD. I'm still dying to get back to that B Smith Sunday Brunch. What a day.

Best Professional Moment: Presenting at the National Council on Black Studies Conference.

That was a weekend to remember. My Emperor was honored, I went big time and we both got mad love. Its moments like that make me appreciate him and Black Studies

Biggest Regret: The Text Message.

A trial in both patience and arrogance. I am wondering if I will ever recover from that.

The Nigga I learned to Listen to: Andre C Russell.

He warned me. He told me. I didn't listen and got burned. You'd think with all the history we have, with him being my boy I'd listened Dre. But nooo. I'm the "Prime Minister" I'm "smarter" than everybody. No I was an ass. From the facebook and myspace status messages to leaving her alone he was right, and each time I didn't listen I shot myself in the foot. I'm a hard headed fucker. Now I need his help one mo' gin.

Fucking Nerd. I love him though.

I hope you've enjoyed a quick glance into my life. These were the times that make me, well me. By no means are they all of them, just a simple glance into what made this year special.

Year 33. An interesting time indeed.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-28-2008

5:25pm