Revolutions and Rotations: Starting Back at One

So you been on fast train, and it's gone off the rails" 

~Fast Train by Solomon Burke

This month I celebrated my 38th birthday. Like countless birthdays before it, I am celebrating the revolution and rotation in the aftermath of a crisis, specifically losing my gig at Philander Smith College and having to reverse relocate back to Chicago. While my birthday itself was fabulous, the rest of this season has left me lacking words. I just know that  I am wounded, hurt, and embarrassed.

 Yet at the same time I don't understand these feelings. Surely I have overcome so much and beaten odds worse than this. In fact in my entire life I have only failed to "answer the bell" once, and that was the heartbreak courtesy of the Gypsy Soror (that lead me running to Christ). I survived two parents death,  I have been fired before, and I have been on the bench before. So why is this current situation thisclose to making me tap out? What the hell is wrong with me that I am in a funk and depression over a relatively light situation?

Is it because I fell like a total failure? I never expected to return to Chicago with everything reset to zero. I always expected to return at the top. I cried for years to get to the big dance and when I did, after two years I wash out? What is going through the mind of my natural and adopted children? My peers? My enemies? I am afraid to know. I won't discuss this with my heirs and I haven't reached out seriously to any of my PSC babies. I worry how I look in their eyes.

I am struggling with the notion of pride. My sons and I are in need yet I won't ask for help. Serious help. I can bs ask for stuff on Facebook all day, but real stuff I just can't. Men don't ask for help right? We solider through. We press. All we got is our word, our rep, and our pride. Yet the Bible teaches pride is a bad thing. God hates the proud. I am confused by this. Can I ask for others hand and it not be tossed back in my face? My manhood and competency questioned? What lesson is this for the boys? I don't know.

I am struggling with anger. Yeah I made some mistakes, naturally and spiritually, but did you have to reset it back to zero Lord? What did I do to have to return to a place I ran from, and return broken and defeated no less? I know I thought about moving back at one point but I could have sworn you said no. So why bring me back now? Like this? Clearly I missed a lesson so what is it?  I get my calling isn't on that front of struggle anymore. I know what you want me to do with my gift and talents. But how can I do it now? 

I swear this must be how Barksdale felt in season 3 of The Wire. Or more historically this gotta be how Liu Bei felt as he laid depressed and dying at Bai Castle after the battle of Yi Ling. How can one be so close yet so far from the title? Man this stuff can wreck faith and that's the one thing I can't afford to lose as it will undoubtedly lead to the sickness unto death. But I swear if this was The Wire...the montage from season 3 would totally fit my mood (Solomon Burke's "Fast Train").  

I get as long as I am alive I have another day to do it right. I get the story isn't finished. I get something greater later and all that, but right now I am so disconnected it aint funny. I have no clue where to start and can't get enough quiet time to think. I need to figure this thing out because my familia, my friends, and my heirs are watching. My testimony is on trial here. Yeah in the natural and in the spiritual streets are watching. I just gotta figure out where to start because as of this writing I am at zero on all levels and descending rapidly. 

I guess I can start here:

Thank you God for another year. Thank you for my heirs and heiress. Thank you for my PSC babies. Thank you for my network.  Thank you for people who love me. Thank you for an awesome first six months. Thank you for giving me a blessed and special birthday. Just thank you. I love you. I am yours. 

Giving honor to my creator, who is forever praised amen,

In truth and transparency 

Already

TLT

8-25-2013

8:15pm 

The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

Revolutions and Rotations: Broken then Healed

"God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
once you trust Him, you will receive."
~Broken, But Healed by Byron Cage

Today is August 10th and it my 35th birthday.

I have survived and grown another year.

Like the past five birthdays, this one comes after a major tragedy: the death of my beloved Queen Mother Tony Thomas. Her untimely passing on the 4th of July has left this something of a solemn birthday; she not being here physically to celebrate 35 years of life, love and friendship does kill my mood just a bit.

Comparatively speaking, as unjust, unfair, and down right horrid as the "LSC" and "DOF" was, losing my Queen Mother is far worse. Despite my best efforts, NO words can accurately give life to this lost (and honestly I don't want you to know how this feels). However, unlike the aforementioned tragedy (and the birthdays that followed), I am NOW equipped with something I never had (or rather never thought to use): belief in God and faith in the promises set forth in his word. In this season of EARNESTLY putting God first and trying to live right, I am becoming "fully competent, completely equipped to handle every good work (2 Timothy 3:17 NWT)." For the first time since my 29th birthday, I woke up feeling blessed. I will continue to smile and thank Jehovah (Yahweh) for another year and press towards the mark of the high calling (Philippians 3:14 KJV).

Despite feeling blessed, I woke up with thankful tears in my eyes that God delivered me from myself, from the machinations of the devil, and the swamp of despond. I think back, with a bit of shame, to where I was emotionally and mentally last year: drunk, vulgar, angry at the world for an injustice done to me, giving lip service to God but with no real dedication, crying over one woman who didn't want me and seeking comfort in the arms of another woman who I had no business with nor should have used like that. What a wretched man I was; though I am still far from perfect.

I am under no illusions that my change was through the power of Holy Spirit and the grace of God alone. As I stated many times (and you all agreed) I am a highly intelligent brother, full of perseverance, full of honor, and full of strength. Yet under my own...whatever, I was unable to tap into anything in my repertoire to overcome the challenges before me. I was powerless. But, as the Apostle Paul writes, at just the right time when I was powerless, God stepped in, healed my mind and heart then guided my steps to him; God has given me all what I need to get up and press forward, and if I continue to seek Him first then He will give me what I need to conquer so much more (Matt 6:33 TNIV).

But now, on this my 35th birthday, I will go visit my mother's grave and lay flowers. I will hug, kiss and play with my sons. I will go to church and praise the Lord for all he has done for me: He kept me from sinking. Instead of a vulgar party I can barely afford, being drunk and full of bitterness or any of that other stuff, I will spend my 35th birthday surrounded by the things and people of God, behaving in a manner of a man who is walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22 TNIV).

I can not predict or even stop challenges from happening in my life. I can and will however be responsible for how I respond. I am decreeing in this season of change that last year was the last time I will spend the day of my birth in mourning, angry, a drunkard, or even bitter over the wrongs I have been dealt. From this year on, no matter the challenges that come prior, on this day I will celebrate family, love, life, and most importantly I will Bless the Lord.

Byron Cage was so on point with his song. He CAN mend your (and mine) brokenness..once you trust him you WILL receive.

I love progress. Now, if he finds me worthy, I hope next year I am blessed with a wife to spend this day with. I have faith that he will.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is FOREVER praised Amen) for the lessons learned, meanings made and healing experienced this year.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
8-10-2010
8:15am

Peace, Upgrades and Redemption: Finding comfort and solace in Faith

"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know.
Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness.
Ain't that what the good book says?"
~John Marston

I was talking with an old friend of mine about my
spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.

The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.

As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.

Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.

Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).

More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?

Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).

I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.

As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.

Ain't nothing else really needs saying...

In Truth and Transparency

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-02-2010
3:45pm

Consecration Camp

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."~Ephesians 6:11 (TNIV)

"This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ."
~ John 17:3 (NWT)

As I grow in my current spiritual walk (or MORE accurately the current trip around my mountain) there are two ideas that often occupy my space, one from the secular and the other from the spiritual, though both are interchangeable. First, in Philippians 3:14, the Apostle Paul exhorts us to "press towards the mark of the high calling." While Paul was speaking in a spiritual context, it can and should be applied to everyday living; in all we do we need to strive to the be the best. Just because nobody is perfect that is a horrible reason not to move towards perfection. The second is the often quoted (and abused) passage from The Art of War where the great general Sun Tzu advised us to "know ourselves and our enemies." Obviously, we can flip this to apply to our daily struggle with those things that seek to devour us on a spiritual level. I mean how can we resist and combat the devil if we don't know what he's capable or more importantly what WE are capable of doing. Sure, we can do all things through with faith and proper application, but still it's always good to know what your baseline skill set is.

*pause*
Please don't nobody tell me that as a Christian I ain't supposed to "study war no more." Our faith is adorned with the language of war i.e. "complete suit of armor (more on that later)", battling with principalities, and of course erry negro church in north America uses some variation of "onward Christan soldiers" or "Soldiers for Christ". Thanks!
*play*

With this as a backdrop, I recently participated in my new church home's "spring cleaning", a consecration and fast designed to clean out the mental, emotional, physical and most importantly spiritual garbage/junk that had accumulated in our space. As you can see I used both the terms garbage and junk because as we all know not everything we keep past the due date is inherently bad, yet keeping these things can cause just as much problems as actual garbage in terms of holding on to something for far too long. Like the proverbial spring cleaning everybody goes through we were tasked with getting rid of that stuff that has accumulated and stayed (good or bad) past its due date. We were challenged to adhere to a liquid diet the first three days, a meatless diet for two weeks, a fruits and vegetable diet for one week and finally a liquid diet for the final week. In addition we were supposed to clean up our physical space and our spiritual, mental, and emotional space via prayer and supplication. I confess I struggled with the actual physical cleaning aspects, so I won't go into that here, what I will discuss is what I learned on other levels during my time in Consecration Camp.

First, and I learned this about two weeks in is that fast and consecration is a private matter between you and God. In Matthew 6:16-18, Jesus tells us to not behave as the "hypocrites do" twisting our faces and in essence announcing it to the world. He tells us to put our best face forward, as our Heavenly Father will reward our humility and does not dig anybody's grandiosity.

Second, I learned that this really is a battle between the flesh and spirit. I've heard old religious folks say this for a coons age, but it wasn't until this recent exercise that I understood it. I didn't pick this up until the start of week three, but still it was an important lesson to gather. I mean the first two weeks were murder on me; I didn't even want to cook for my heirs. The smell and touch of meat drove me insane. I practically hid from, ran from, and was angry toward, any and all discussions about meat. I often just rolled into a ball moaning for the Lord to protect me. I realize now this is both impractical and unrealistic as it shows I didn't understand the power of prayer (or His word for that matter) and it shows I didn't have any faith. Contrary to what many Christians think, running scared from a problem isn't a demonstration of faith, it's cowardice and God, whether we want to hear it or not, hates a coward. During those moments where I was around flesh I should have prayed, meditated, asked for strength then went into my Word. This not only applies to cooking meat while fasting, but really any situation that runs counter to the will of the Creator (who is forever praised AMEN). This does not mean I should go out and find all sorts of situations to get myself into and then cry for him to help me; such a mentality is not biblical, but at the same time knowing he won't tempt me anymore than I can't bear (esp. since he doesn't temp us with evil at all), I can rest assured that when faced with these or any future crisis's that faith, prayer, and the Word will get me through or at the very least make his power perfect in my weakness.

The third lesson I learned was fellowship was extremely important. Surrounding yourself with people who share(d) your goals, spirituality, and faith (or at the very least didn't try to oppose you) makes consecration that much easier. With this cleanse I had the total support of not only my church, but it also my Baby Mama (who supported and participated with me). I didn't' surround myself with folks who were against my journey, made fun of my trying to get closer to God, or even actively oppose me. One of my favorite scriptures reads: "Do not be mislead. Bad association spoils useful habits." (1 Cor 15:33 NWT) I am thankful to God for the wonderful, new support (old support in Baby Mama) in my life now.

The fourth was a new, accurate, assessment of weakness. *smile* I won't get into that here, I mean I love yall, but sharing my weakness in this blog is a bit much. I will simply say if I don't get a handle on these thorns in my flesh then it will cost my spiritual life. Trust me when I say I am praying often (trying to make it daily) to help me get a handle on that which makes me weak. With the truth in knowing myself, I can win victories and press towards the mark of the high calling.

In the book of Ephesians (6:11-18) the Apostle Paul instructs us to "put on the full armor of God": the belt (loin gird) of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel of peace, shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. With this armor I am ready (or at least should be) for/to combat the machinations of the devil, whether I bring it on myself due to lack of discernment or the daily testing he gives us. When I decided to go back to God,seriously and with zeal, I automatically gained two pieces of this armor: the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation. Granted they needed a bit of polish and strengthening but still I got these first. The rest of the suit, however, had to be gained through consecration, and will be strength-ed through prayer, supplication and being a disciple of Jesus.

I mentioned in my last blog, my feet can not walk the path of anger, they have to walk in peace. I can't shake my fist at what I perceive to be past injustices(or real injustices), hold on to the bitterness, and claim to walk in peace. By the same token, I have to even let go of those good times; as those memories only serve to hold space in my heart and prevent God from sending me that woman who will love me deeply, honestly, and properly. This also applies not just to things of my recent past, but things in my deep past. Those memories, good and bad serve to undermine my peace; either I am lament lost or daydreaming about good times long gone. I can't have that any further.

In gaining the belt, or loin gird of truth, I accept the truth about my weaknesses. It is important that I respond accordingly. Sun Tzu said it better than Paul on this subject "if you know yourself and your enemy you won't lose in a hundred battles." Now that I concisely know what my thorns are, I need to seek Holy Spirit in developing a plan of action and do, as much as it depends on me, my best to stay out of those situations. The truth will set us free, it will also protect our most vulnerable points if we allow it.

My path, my acquiring accurate knowledge, walking in faith and following Jesus are all within God's will and thus I gained the breastplate of righteousness. In essence my path is righteous, even if I am not always such. The breastplate will keep my heart pure and just and ensure I stay righteous. Like the helmet which guards my mind, the breast plate will cover the other aspects of my emotions, namely my heart.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly is I truly learned (or am learning) how to use the only offensive weapon in my arsenal: The Word of God. It is a real military truism that no matter how sound a defense is, it will falter under a constant barrage of an enemy attack. The best defense is a strong offense and real talk you don't get better than the Word of God. I learned during this past month that reading, studying and drawing on the Word is essential. On days I did well I was in the word, either reading it or listening to The Bible Experience. On days I struggled, I neither listened to, read, nor picked up my word. Without my sword, I am finished. It is essential I kept it close to me. All the other parts of the armor won't do me good with out my Sword in which to fight off my enemy.

The past thirty days have helped me draw closer to God, understand my potential and get answers and clarity, even more so than when I use my physical intellectual mind.

Now if I could only discern what my Father wants me to do with this nagging desire to go to Seminary.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2010
11:04am

A Sinner's Prayer....and Atonement.

"I'm so that God still hears a sinner's prayer"~Deitrick Haddon

Recently a ghost from my past found me (thanks to my Zeta Tribute blog), to check and see how I have been living the past few years since our brief internship. She felt inclined to reach out because she was shocked that I acknowledged (due to some of my immaturity) we didn't do to well. Curiosity can be like that I guess, it can make you re-visit spaces that otherwise we wouldn't go back to. I am sure this was no different.

As we progressed in the conversation, I explained to her some of my journeys since we last parted company; I also shared with her my (at the time) budding spiritual change and how part of that was confessing sins and leaving it with God. She asked me if I truly was sorry for how I acted towards her and I told her I was. She then asked if I was going to go back and apologize to all of the women I hurt and I let her know that I was not going to do such a thing. I made the point that I left the matter with God, I confessed, and if he saw fit to give me his grace I would accept its (like one has a choice). This isn't a negro version of "My Name is Earl" and I was not going to traverse the country trying to correct karma.

Judging from her text response, and I could be wrong, she didn't seem convinced. I think she felt, like most people would, that I needed to and should go back and make atonement to every single individual otherwise I wronged otherwise my change and redemption wouldn't be valid. Of course from my understanding of the Word doesn't tell me that or even really requires that of me but it did beg a very real question.

In the opening lines of the beautiful song "Sinner's Prayer" Deitrick Haddon sings:

I walked to the church ya'll
on a Sunday morning
stood outside contemplating
whether I should walk through the door
you see a lot of folks know me
from way back when
people holding me to
all those past sins....

...which describes my feelings to the letter. After the utter madness of last year, in which I walked away more bruised, scared, and spiritually dead than anybody else, I do sometimes worry as I pray, go to church and try to actually manifest change in my life if those in my space will accept and believe this moment of awakening; to be honest I also slightly worry if my critics will find this change true. I am sure nothing would please them more than me failing in trying to draw closer to Jesus and live out the life he has promised me. Negroes have a nasty habit of dancing and spiting on my grave.

But I'm not so worried about my critics as I am worried about people in my circle who often treat spiritual matters as something of a fad. I admit folks always swearing they gone do right. I keep hearing about the "old Terrance", or the "Terrance of a few years ago" or even how I was broken last year and asked how a sudden change can happen "all of a sudden."

*pause* And I assure you this did not happen "all of a sudden". This has been a long real process.

*play*

My desire to do better is often met with in different skepticism and it does make doing what I need to do a little harder.

But I can't let this stop me ya know?

I accept that my past is relevant. I often argued that if you forget your past then you don't know your future. I do believe the past can be (if allowed) prologue. I am not saying that if I made a mistake or hurt somebody it should be swept over. NOT AT ALL. But let me illustrate: A person can not get caught stealing from a friend and a few months later attempt to come around and not offer any apology or restitution. But what if that friend who was caught apologizes and then says that they have given the matter to God and demonstrates this change with faith and good works? Can we really still hold that past over such a person? Could we deny that transformation is real based solely on our anger? Will not their faith and actions prove its own point? Should that person care or even try to persuade us? Surely not! At the same time if a person returns engaged in the same ole type of shenanigans they were before then yes you may have to look at the historical record. In essence what I am saying is that I have reaped what I've sown, I've paid the price and now it is time for me to move forward with my life and my walk as a man of God. As arrogant as it sounds (which is not my intent) I really can't be worried that I didn't atone for every little sin because as I said in the beginning I've made peace with who I needed too, My Lord and Savior, and anything else is kinda pointless.

I think what motivates me in this position is the counsel found a Romans 3:23 in which the Apostle Paul writes "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; with this wisdom I understand that no matter how bad I've been there are others who have been equally scummy. In this regard I am no different than most people. But it's the Apostle's words in the following verse that lets me know that regardless of how people see my change, this process is real and God approved. Paul goes on to write: "and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." This makes me smile because I understand that in spite of my errors and even in lieu of the (dis)approval of others, my process (grounded in faith) is God approved. As morally praiseworthy as it is to go back and say "Hey I'm sorry" to everybody I hurt it is not morally obligatory. I said I was sorry to who I needed too and with the rest of it I took to God.

Of course grace and forgiveness doesn't give me a free card to go out and commit old sins new ways repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. Again Paul's counsel is wise in this regard. He tells us: "we are those who died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" I keep this mind because a major part of this or any shift/ behavior change is the abandonment of ideas and concepts that led to the darkness, the fall and ultimately to the selfish acts which may have hurt others and in fact did hurt others.

The old Terrance is quickly dying off, mortally wounded in a war that should not have been. In his place will rise a man who was broken, but healed, a sinner seeking grace through faith and achieving success everyday.

I can not change what I have done in the past, I can only control what I do now and KNOW that it will impact who I will be in the future...

And that IS and WILL be as a man of God, walking in faith and righteousness...

I sincerely pray that is good enough for you folks...it's good enough for me

And certainly good enough for my Creator (who is forever praised Amen).

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2010
4:45pm

Scared, No Skills or Both: Exploring Communication in Relationships.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one."~Matt 5:37 (NIV)

So this afternoon I became engaged in the conversation about "communication" in relationships with two of my beloved sisters on the Council of Ten. Each seemed to be annoyed with the man in their lives who, for whatever reason, seemed unable to effectively communicate; in some cases these men either flat out lied or avoid the conversation on some very serious issues. Since we support each other readily in ALL matters they sought out me for advise on "why do men behave this way."

I confess that as a man who is an excellent, straightforward communicator, that their questions left me dumbfounded. I'm old school and I was trained men should be upfront and say what's on their mind (with respect and tact). I was taught that men shouldn't be afraid to communicate; seriously what is the other party gonna do? Kick your butt? So to me (and I mean their guys no real disrespect) these dudes weren't men or rather weren't acting like men in those moments and I had no logical or illogical answer for them.

I don't want to, in my time spiritual rebirth, to imply all of my communication has been flawless. It has not. On this very blog I have sometimes conveyed the wrong message or allowed the wrong emotion to guide my thinking. I assure you that I've also dropped the ball in my personal life. Shit just last year in a moment of emotional immaturity and using the wrong communication technique I....

Well you know THAT story...

However my point isn't necessary about the flaws of communication. Those things happen. My commentary is on the men who don't communicate and don't try to communicate. Yeah sometimes, due to imperfection and ignance we get the communication wrong but still I think it's downright horrible not to try to communicate.

*pause*
But if I really want to be intellectually honest (I do), then I need to right now include the sisters in this lil rant because yall, can be equally horrible communicators.
*play*

So what is at the heart of this problem. What makes people double talk, hide, refuse to speak up and all other sorts of nonsense. What makes a person hide from or ignore conversations the other person in that shared space deem important.

I thought about this briefly, looking at my own life as a model; I compared my actions on both sides of the fence in an attempt to discern what really is at work during these times.

The answer in my view is quite simple: People who engage in this behavior are emotionally immature as well as emotional cowards. I concede I don't know which is worst: being emotionally immature or an emotional coward. I mean I've been emotionally immature, yet I have never been an emotional coward.

Yet, in this regard they do go hand and hand. 98% of the folks who are emotionally immature I would bet are also emotional cowards and generally this leads to emotional abuse. These people lack the maturity (and by extension the skills) to effectively outline their needs and wants. They don't know how to communicate and problem solve so they hide from any emotional entanglement outside of the basic primal emotions that come out during sex or when they are tearing down the other party emotionally.

*pause*
In another moment of intellectual honesty, I must confess there have been two women in my past, Soror Sage and The Nurse, who would on the surface have fit the notion of an emotional coward (on paper) but that really wasn't the deal. In both of these cases, the sisters dodged conversations with me because they felt my skills at persuasion where that damn good I would have gotten them to reverse their position and come back to something they felt wasn't healthy. Rather than do that, these wonder women simply avoided me. It was crude but effective. I reckon my persuasion skills ARE that good ;-).
*play*

Like physical cowards, they know they can't hang so they dodge, hide, avoid, play sick, speak Spanish and do all sorts of other nonsense to stay out of the emotional dialogue. Of course when hiding doesn't work, like in the physical they resort to violently outward antics in the emotional (and I reckon mental) realm. In a sense it makes them seem double-minded, on the one hand they often profess undying love, swear to God, promise to die for you, etc but on the other hand they avoid (again unless they trying to have sex or bully you into leaving the conversation) the most essential component to a relationship: effective, honest, communication. It is my sincere belief that until we/they/us tackle this notion of emotional immaturity and emotional cowardice then we won't be able to touch the notions of lack of emotion, unsatisfied emotions, or even emotional abuse. We will continue to be on that hamster wheel, trying to convince the other of the worthiness of our emotional needs and space.

Of course this begs the question of why we as humans keep investing in these junk bonds offered by people who take one of our most prized components and utterly crap on them. Do we feel we can't do better? Do we lack the skills to move on? Do we lack the courage? Are we that sexually whupped? I do not know and there isn't enough space here to even divulge into this here. I will simply submit that at some point we all have to look at this aspect and answer the very hard question on whether our returns are meeting our investments.

Like most things I argue that too is tied into fear, and that fear comes from an immature handling of a perceived lack of skills. More importantly when one lacks faith they fall into this habit of taking mess.

But again, I don't to explore that here. Maybe in another blog. For now I will simply tell my sisters to force the conversation, make these men be men and guard your hearts.

More importantly, I would tell them to act, as always, in truth and transparency about their needs.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2010
8:00pm

Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
Begin Memory Sync:

In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

A Better Tomorrow: Until All Are One.

"Now in the game where only time will tell, survived the droughts I wish you well. Survive the droughts, I wish you well. How sick am I? I wish health. I wish you wheels. I wish you wealth. I wish you insight so you can see for yourself."~Jay Z

"All good things they say never last." ~Prince

Happy Holidays to all,

Take a walk with me...

When I sat down to write my first piece on Blackplanet discussing how becoming a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. made me feel, I had no idea almost eight years later I would have become a budding author who had the power of the pen just as I had the power of the tongue. When I wrote that rough piece, I didn't think that the concept of blogging would ever be something I did or got into(even though in fairness blogging wasn't a big thing back then). All I was trying to do was convey my feelings to the world; I wanted my non Greek friends to understand and appreciate the sincerity and dedication of me becoming a man of Sigma.

I noticed that I like writing and while I didn't do it often, I did it enough and every now and then I put out some gems, yet I was still no where near the man I would become. Those joints were rough.

When the period of my life dubbed "The Long Night" began I wrote to help me through that. I didn't put any of that stuff I wrote on the net, but instead inside a notebook I have to this day. I really didn't have discernment nor tack back then and honestly I was afraid of what others might think of me. My fear of shame kept me from posting what was on my heart and head. However, writing helped me through that chaotic times and served as a therapeutic outlet.

I got through that and time marched on. I moved into a new phase of my life. Thanks to Myspace and their blog function, I was able to begin to write about some of the complications of "The Second Renaissance" in early 2006. This was the moment in time where I finally decided to be more than The Emperor's student but rather forge my own way in life, love and my career. I blogged a lot during that time; in fact a lot of my fans on this site feel in love with my writing then. Regrettably, I took down those blogs to appease a friend who felt I shared to much of our business in my writings. This regret is compounded when I lost the disk drive the files were stored on. I resolved never to allow myself to be edited or censored like that again.

It was not until I watched my father die in late 2006 that my writing truly developed and evolved. I was able to channel the pain and frustration of "A Death in the Family" into some powerful pieces, sadly these were lost when I deleted the aforementioned Myspace account without saving them. Only one of the original entries from that series entitled "Sins of the Father" remain. Even with that, I credit my time on Myspace with teaching me how to channel my words and make the blog cry, when I could not or would not.

Throughout 2007 and 2008 I often wrote about my personal challenges as well as political observations. I talked about returning to Black Studies and for the first time in my life outlined what I wanted in a woman. I even wrote a couple of political pieces dealing with the meteoric rise of Barack Obama en route to the Presidency and the how the initial reluctance of the Black middle class irked me to no end. This piece made me, for a moment, an internet sensation. It also affirmed to me that I have a gift for deep scholarly thought as Mr. Allen (The Emperor) had so often spoke of. Conversely, if the Obama piece made me a sensation in the political realm the equally infamous "Relationship Hierarchy for Black Folks" gave me a name in the relationship boards and on spots like Black Planet. The success of these two pieces caused me to become a pseudo celebrity and but also showed me I was a well rounded brother.

Throughout 2008, I spoke of my challenges like Wei Yan's defection and helping my sons readjust. But in my opinion, it wasn't until October of 2008 when I finally connected with (the)Queen that I truly blossomed as a writer. Without going into details of this, as many of you have been on board during that journey, I finally understood life, love, writing as well as the power of life and death in pen. I don't want to be misleading or coy with words, I was already a damn good writer. This moment just provided me with the clarity and motivation to see how it called connected which made me rise in skills.

By now you're asking "where the hell are you going with this?"

I've gone over my writing "career" to let you know how much your support over the past seven years has meant to me. I thank you for allowing my to share my world with you, to heal, to laugh, to cry. In fact, you all had insight to what probably the world's longest love letter the "Love Supreme" and "Duel of Fates" series. I will admit that at times I used to this blog to speak to her, I am not sure she heard but I felt the pen would succeed were my words and times actions had not. You had through this blog, a window into my soul as I tried to regain a piece of Eden and the one component I feel/felt would make my dynasty complete. It made many people angry, it made many more cry; I am sure she has mixed feelings about my writing but it must be stated with no hyperbole that without this blog I would have not made it. I needed this outlet. I needed the banter and exchange of ideas this blog brought.

I also retraced my history prepare you for what comes next. In January 2010, after the Zeta Phi Beta annual tribute I will be retiring the blog. While I will not delete it out of respect for those who have supported me and would like to read some of the classics, I will not post anything new.

I think this is best as I continue to heal, reconnect and reconstruct my historical memory and try to grow. I need to go do some other things, maybe finally write my book, something. I don't think I can or should spend any more time writing about my heartache. Right now I just don't have anything new to talk about and I promised myself that if Straight, No Chaser ever lost its balance I needed to hang it up. If we really want to be honest and frank, this decision about 5 months late. I appreciate the gems I dropped, even the "morbid" ones, I am happy for the lessons learned and meanings made, truly. But I want Straight, No Chaser to regain that balance and until I regain it, if I ever regain it, then its time I walk away.

I laugh at this one dimensional style my blog has taken because I remember in one of our more intimate playful moments, (the)Queen remarked on my reduced writing (as she is/was a ardent supporter) and said "You can only write when you're sad or upset. I'm quit you to make sure you keep writing." and giggle. Little did we know that horrible moment would be fall us one month later and I haven't stopped writing since. But my shit's gotten redundant. As an intellectual and creative mind I cant have that.

I need to step back. I need that balance back.

But until that day, if that day ever comes, I am retired.

Please understand. I appreciate and thank you all.

Wishing you the best in 2010,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-5-2009
12:01am

The Duel of Fates: On Thy Honor

"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.

In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.

Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.

Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?

The issue at hand is one of integrity.

My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.

But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.

So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"

It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.

But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.

I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."

I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.

The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."

The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.

The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.

The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.

I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.

It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.

*pause*
And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW
TLT
*play*

It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.

I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them.
A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.

Real talk right there

and sorry for the length

The Duel of Fates Rages on....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-20-2009
12:35am