Saying Amen while waiting in line: The Final Moments of 2010

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
~Romans 5:6-8 TNIV

Confession: After the fiasco of 2009, in which I fought two wars: one based on a lie and another based on a petty beef, as well as my total self destructive lifestyle and behavior I should be dead.

Yet God is so merciful he gave me another chance at redemption and to get it right.

Although broken and battered I was able to make it into 2010 with the promise and assumption that I would try to turn it around and get back to the man I used to be on my own.

However, God had a different plan for me. He proved to me that I was unable to do anything on my own and God did not allow me to be the man I used to be, but instead he allowed me to be a better man. This wilderness trek has not been easy, but yet at the same time it was what I needed in this season to reach my true calling and potential.

In a few moments, I will bring in the New Year with my sons, and for the first time not drinking and lamenting losses, but with my hands out stretched, praising him and thanking him for ALL that he has done: from giving me strength to deal with the death of my mom, helping me raise these heirs properly, putting a BFF in my space to help save me, keeping my path pure, and forgiving my trespasses.

Last year I quoted Howard Hughes "Say Amen" in describing what I felt and my gratitude for making it out of 2009. I confess I really didn't discern the truth in that song esp. when I recall killing a fifth of vodka while penning that blog. This year is different though. I think moreso than last year it is appropriate this year, because I know UNDERSTAND He didn't have to show me mercy and kindness. He could have let the LSC and the DOF be my final chapter and legacy. He didn't. He has given me another chance. He allowed me in 2010 to begin to show myself approved.

I hope truly my parents and my pastor are smiling.

More than them, I hope my walk and life are pleasing to God.

2011 is all about staying in position, living Holy and being obedient.

The line is moving. I need to be ready. While I wait, I think I'll sing a lil song.



2011, shall we begin then?

Happy New Year everyone!

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12/31/2010
11:59pm

The 2010 MVP

Ambassador Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...
Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.
Ambassador Sarek: But at what cost ? Your ship. Your son.
Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.
~Admiral Kirk to Ambassador Sarek on why he risked everything to save Captain Spock, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I wrestled with writing this little ode because the person it honors abhors loud and extra behavior by Negroes, and having seen her check such Negroes I really didn't want to draw her ire. Yet, I felt willing to risk it because I wanted to pay her as much respect in public as I do in private; I'm a firm believer in giving both public and private props where applicable. But still I debated a whole week (two if you count the bout of writers block) if writing this was appropriate.

Yet, not to write this would be a travesty of sorts considering I have written about MVP's who a) in retrospect shouldn't have gotten the award and b) ain't done half of what this person has done in my life. So this year's winner is gonna have to suck it up and endure this moment of extraneous and read (while smiling) their tribute blog.

In fairness this one was over before it really began....which is shocking because I honestly thought it would be impossible to top last years winners. Yet, by May this competition was in the bag; actually it wasn't even a competition it was just me completing the process so nobody could cry foul. It was sorta like the Rahm ballot hearings but on a more personal and meaningful level.

When I think of the 2010 MVP, I often ask myself why I didn't select this person sooner. She is intelligent, wise, caring, a Woman of God, giving, a great reader of people and (with no disrespect) blunt to the point being rude. I could go on about her qualities but then that would only be redundant; just know this sister is as good as they get.

While I was brainstorming this blog, I realized though I didn't see her skills or understand our friendship because I wasn't ready. I would not have recognized the wisdom and favor that my friend has brought on my life. I needed the soul breaking of 2009 to make me ready to listen in 2010. I guess this is what the Bible means when it speaks of a (set) time for favor to come (Ps 102:13 KJV). It wasn't time and I needed to be in a position to receive and finally get it.

NOW, I am aware AND appreciative of what this friendship means to me. This year's MVP is not only my BFF but my Chief of Staff. I once told her father that if I ever got my own company or became an Alderman (or something) that she would be my COS in theory as well as reality; she would be my right hand because there isn't anyone I believe I trust as much on the planet. Our friendship proves that men and women can be friends, there is love in the Kingdom and that truly virtue and wisdom come from a woman.

So without further adieu: Congratulations to 2010 MVP: Nonie Olison.

Per the custom, here is your thank you note.

COS,

I owe you. Words can not express my gratitude for you coming back for me. I mean it. Thank you for coming back for me. At a time in my life when folks didn't know how to help me, when people seemed to think I lost it, when I thought I lost it, you never quit on me. I know you don't like it when I say this, but I swear had you not been on maternity leave the LSC and DOF would not have happened. I would not have experienced that soul breaking moment. You would have saw through her/it/our nonsense and called it. But I guess then we wouldn't have be here? I guess you are right: I needed that to get to this place. So I'll accept 2009 as a corner needed to turn and in the process I can hear my BFF's and God's voice.

I love our how friendship has evolved and grown. I love how we can have open and honest dialog. I appreciate how you keep me honest without condemnation, yet you are straight forward enough to offer insight on actions that don't represent God,the Kingdom, my heirs, or myself. This is rare among people our age. I was laughing with a friend last night and she acknowledged that truly you are the COS and all roads to the throne come through Olison town.

I couldn't agree more.

I know at times I can be difficult and appear selfish to you and your needs as my bff; I can be too Terrance-centric. Trust and believe that is not the case. I am well aware you need encouragement and uplifting as well, but at times I make the mistake of forgetting even the best needs a hug and a Word every now and then. I've been working on that and hopefully it has manifested itself.

Dear friend I know right now you are going through a difficult season. This season is going to test you and push you. I have been there twice. But as God and those three elders are my witnesses, I will stand with you and help you through as you have done with me. The hubby and the kids are blessed to have you and I hope if God sees fit he will bless me with a wife of your caliber. Just as you stood tall with me on both occasions, I will stand tall with you. Your family, esp our Pastor Mama CO has my loyalty and best performance of duty.

I am not sure if you are a Trekkie but I picked the above quote from Star Trek because like Admiral Kirk going back for his friend Captain Spock, you coming back for me was a great risk also. I was as self destructive as it got and you reaching back could have gone so many different ways. But that kind of selflessness is what defines you and your family; you saw the best in me and figured out how to get your friend to press towards the mark of the high calling. Again, thank you dear friend.

COS, I don't want to be overly long, in part because there are no words to stress what you mean to me. I just needed to say and write to you dear friend what I promised. I look forward to big things in 2011 and I am glad we are going to make this journey together. Indeed, the line is moving.

One more time, Congratulations 2010 MVP!

*pause*

And before you ask Naw Negro ain't no U.S. money is attached to this award like in sports. I mean I can pay you in link dollars but mostly your financial compensation is in Kingdom money.

*play*

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
12-29-2010
1:31:15AM

Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

Still Struggling with the Words.....

As most of you probably know I lost my mother last week (7-4-2010). We laid her to rest on Saturday.

I am supposed to be writing a blog chronicling what happened when my mother died, writing thank you letters and filling out cards but I can't find the words.

I can't even organize the notes. I figured I was ready to take this step but I am not.

Give me time.

In the meanwhile go kiss your mother.

Rest easy Queen Mother. I will see you in the morning.

Maria "Tony" Thomas
Wife, Mother, Sister, and Servant of Jehovah.
April 9, 1952-July 4, 2010

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
(and missing mama)
TLT
7-13-2010
3:32pm

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from

going around that mountain so many times" ~CO

I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:

• Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
• It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
• Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
• the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership

Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

On Faith and Shifting Paradigms

"I wonder what would happen when you stop being scared and truly ask God for direction"

~Minister of the Interior

So....

Last night I wrote about my "Resurrection Sunday"experience and I, as expected, was meet with some pretty positive remarks. I absolutely love it when my uplifting stuff gets this kinda praise because it just shows me that I don't suffer from what I call the "Mary J/Marvin Gaye" syndrome. What is that you ask? Well its a snarky way of asking if outside of the sad/complex/sexual paradigm present in my writing does all the other TLT work suck? Apparently not. I guess I've gotten over the "I can't write unless I'm sad" hump. I have to give God the glory for this, as my time away allowed me to truly shift my world view without sacrificing the concept and strength of Straight, No Chaser.

However, I don't think it was my writing skills but rather the subject matter that garnered the shocks of awe therein. I am sure a blog entitled "Resurrection Sunday" from a guy who has professed on a number of occasions to be a supporter of and walking towards the path of being a Jehovah's Witness (JW) raised more than a few eyebrows. Equally, I reckon a such a spiritual blog from a cat who spent seventy-five percent of 2009 in darkness, despair and depression caused some mouths to drop; in fairness it's kinda hard, as my dear Minister of the Interior once commented, NOT to read some of my work and assume I was at best a heathen and at worst some new age religion or atheist.

Let me dispel this myth once and for all time: I was born and raised in the Jehovah's Witness denomination. Despite some misleading and incorrect information out there and spread about them, JW's are in fact a part of the Christian family. Agreed, they often do things apart and antithetical to mainstream Christianity, however this doesn't negate the fact that they are a denomination of Christianity. With this fact in mind let me state for the record that I EMPATHICALLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION BELIEVE IN GOD. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST NOR APART OF SOME NEW AGE MOVEMENT. I am and shall always be a Christian and will always follow and adhere to the tenants of Christianity as outlined in the Holy Bible.

But if this is true, it doesn't quite explain how and why someone who all but affirmed unwavering loyalty to this denomination (even to a point of kicking off family civil wars) ended up writing a piece full of images and language that runs counter to the JW lexicon.

The answer is quite simple. I am no longer seeking to be a member of that denomination and decided to step out and finish my spiritual journey in the context of exploring broader Christianity.

Let me do this another way: Like Malcolm X, I am leaving a branch of my faith that indeed gave me the initial training I needed, but at the same time was restrictive to my growth in the essential three: faith, hope and love.

I'll pause a moment and let this sink in.....

*pause*
I wonder when they are going to bring out a new Romance of the Three Kingdoms game?

*play*
As I was saying, much like Malcolm X, I am embarking on my own hajji, my own Damascus journey to draw closer to God and understand his words and requirements. I needed to step out of my spiritual box and see what the rest of the spectrum was like.

Yet, this doesn't explain the "why". Why did I shift? Why did I walk away?

I can't say when it began. Maybe it was that afternoon I sat in Borders in the fall of 2006 and read Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Frantz. Maybe reading his words and listening to the account of one of the JW's governing body talk about the pitfalls and problematics really shock my core.

Or maybe it was the fact that after I started my study, no JW I met could explain to me what happened in 1975, at least honestly. Nobody was willing to explain this outside of "it wasn't us but some apostate." Failure to acknowledge mistakes or errors really turn me off.

Could it been the fact that I've seen the same behaviors in the organization that I saw in the "world". With rare exceptions I saw the same petty egos, nepotism, hustlers and women that I was told to run from in the world.

Was it the fact that in order to be one, as rational as it may seem, also seemed to go against bible training? Why did I have to study first to profess belief my faith in God and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Maybe it was that time I went to church with Wei Yan. I remember going to church with her and being so afraid, having been taught all my life that tongues, holy ghosting, and call and response where evil. I remember Wei Yan trying to explain this wasn't evil but gifts from God to me but I didn't want to listen. Yet there was something so beautiful about that service I never forgot.

Perhaps all of these things laid dormant in the back of my mind. I'm often told that faith and intellect are a bad combo; I don't agree with that but I am guessing I questioned myself right out of my faith.

BUT.....

The real truth is my faith died during LSC and DOF. As one snarky mofo commenter posted a while ago my faith wasn't working and I needed to rethink my position.

During this time I found no comfort in the path I was on, no hope, no alleviation from the pain and it made me think truly about what it was I believed in and why was I on the path of being a JW. I was going through the motions, bible study, going to the Hall, reading the material but on the inside, spiritually I was dead.

I'm not sure who that reflects poorly on: Me or them, what I do know is I needed a major paradigm shift. I began to talk with people I trusted about the matter, people like my CO-MVP's, my brother, Rev. Dr. Wonder Woman, my Chief of Staff and Ekklektia. Each one affirmed what I felt and could not tap: I AM a man of God, I sought to do his will but I needed to restart my faith. They advised me to seek the truth of God on my own and leave behind the regimentation of being a JW. One of my co-MVP's phrased it best: I began to worship out of loyalty to my mother and fear of crossing the line than out of faith. What would happened if I asked God to take that fear from me and guide my steps?

I pondered this long and hard. I asked God for direction.

He answered it in the form of an old friend that had come back into my space. This sister encouraged me and begged me to go to church with her, not unlike my other friends who advised and asked this of me. Maybe it was the fact we were in a dating dynamic, maybe it was she really didn't know the extent of my lack of faith and didn't pressure me, but whatever the reasons, she found the words to get me to at least try one more time going to church. I remember taking these feelings of fear with me when I went into the church with N.R who got me to relax and open up (and for this I am forever grateful).

In spite of these fears, it was a marvelous experience. I was touched. Even moreso those praying and offering prophesy knew what I had going on inside of me. They understood. The brother that put the oil on my head knew. His words calmed my spirit. It made me open up. For the first time in years I felt a connection, I felt the divine presence. I felt God. So I went to church a few more times with N.R. each time soaking it up. I begin to ask everybody I knew questions and absorb as much material as I could. Finally it made sense...again. I got my connection back. I healed and was ready to leave my box and explore the larger landscape of Christianity.

In essence, I defied my fears jumped the fence and found a beautiful world. I found a world that helped me heal and get arise alive in faith, hope and love. Trust me when I tell you that it was scary as heck jumping that fence and looking into something I was raised was wrong and not productive. Trust me when I say that took faith.

I don't want this post to appear to be anti- JW because it's not. ALL denominations from Roman Catholic to Southern Baptist have their errors and potential problematics. JW's are no exception. I am merely stating that denomination is no longer for me. I look at them the same way Malcolm X looked the NOI: I am VERY grateful for the ground work laid, the intital training and introduction to God, but I needed to do something else for a number of reasons. Unlike Malcolm X though I'm not going to bash them as he did the NOI. I have no reason to. They are not my enemy. Besides, My mother and several good friends remain connected to that organization. Can I truly bash my mother or them? No! Honestly, mainstream Christianity could learn (and has already taken quiet as it's kept) a few things from them: dedication to learning the bible and not relying on the interpretation of others, a serious outreach ministry, separation of the pulpit and politics, an examination of a lot of these so called Christian holidays and lastly at least understanding where the name Jehovah (YHWH) comes from. At the same time JW's can learn a whole lot from mainstream Christianity like how to keep your faith and intellect, how to explore the deeper meanings of the bible, how understand poetic devices as opposed to literal readings in the bible and how to reach out across the isle. The boxes aren't aren't always necessary within the faith.

Regardless my path is set. I will find me a nice church home and worship my God. I am going to continue to press towards the mark, continue to learn his word and cultivate my faith. While I am more than willing to do this in the confines of the Christian faith, I am unwilling to do so in the box of a denomination and human dogma, esp when there are unanswered questions.

In Romans 1:16-17 the Apostle Paul writes:

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God who brings salvation to everyone who believes...For in the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed-a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

It is with this faith that I reconnected and will now continue to walk in God's light, do his will and be a better man. With faith in God I have done and can continue to do these and all things...

And only the mistakes have been mine.

Be blessed!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2010
4:30pm

Fade to Black: The Book of TLT

"Thank you for keeping me resolute,
when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli

It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.

I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.

As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.



I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9:01pm
1-22-2010

Happy Founders Day Zeta Phi Beta 2010: Frontlines and Tactical Support

"I'll be there" ~Jackson 5

When I became a man of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc., back in 2002, I often envisioned that my relationship with frat would be such that if I ever needed a helping hand or a brother to have my back it would be there. I believed at the time that PBS would be the new BFL and with certain brothers I would probably rule Sigma and then the world. I admit there is a bit of hyperbole in this statement but the fact remains I thought my relationship with my beleaguered/beloved frat would be well, BFL.

Bu as we have learned with me "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

Conversely, I didn't think I would have a good relationship with my Sorors. At the point in history when I became MAB, I really was still learning how to deal with myself, let alone finer Black women. Since I am being truthful and transparent my first couple of dealing with Sorors, esp this one from ATL was, in a word, fucked.

As we have also learned from me redemption and confronting the unexpected with success is another hallmark of TLT.

I often laugh and is teased by baby mama that I am more solid with my Sorors than my Brothers; I think its weird that I can bond easier with the finer (space) women than with the men of my wondrous band. You think I'm lying? Check this fun fact: In the past ten years, a Soror has been the winner of my annual MVP award 5 times, with one Soror winning it twice. These Sorors were: my pledge mom Ms. Perse in 2002, Soror Sage in 2005, Soror Minister of the Interior in 2007 and 2009, Soror (the)Queen/Party A/ Black Butterfly (* ain't decided on a new code name yet) in 2008, and lastly you had Soror Shulimite Woman in 2009. I guess I need to explore why this is; I reckon that is a blog for another day but for now let me get back to the primary focus of this piece.

Happy Founder's Day to the Illustrious, Wonderful Finer (space) Women of
Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc.

90 years in the game huh? Damn that's a milestone by any standard. 90 years of being forerunners in scholarship, service, sisterhood, and baling out bro's like myself who always seem to find themselves in a pickle. 90 years of getting it done, sometimes winning hella pretty and sometimes winning ugly. 90 years of reppin Black beauty and Black womanhood to the uptenth power. Indeed, my beloved Sorors you all are the greatest and I am happy to be connected to you.

I laugh when I think about the fact that my Sorors at times are more BFL than BFL and more frat than Sigma. I chuckle that my first response units are generally my Sorors and I also chuckle when I realize those who are truly down for me are the women of Z-Phi-B. As I said in previous blogs I thank you deeply, from the bottom of my heart for this. I can never repay it although I am definitely not opposed to trying; this annual blog for instance is a testament to my gratefulness

So without further adieu let me get on to the shout outs:

Soror Lillet: Where in the hell is my attorney and Soror? You are loved.

Soror Rev. Dr: I've learned you are Wonder Woman to my Batman; an insightful albeit antagonist ally. Yet there are few who can match me intellectually and teach me something spiritually. It was you who put those "Mornings" and walks with the "Star" into context, taught me about the "despair unto death" and challenged me to quit drinking (which I did for a time). I regret we could not see eye to eye on our growth as friends, but this does not negate the fact that when shit was hectic you were there and offered me the tools to build a torch to see my way through. You are loved.

Soror Sage: I credit you with some of my stronger emotional growth, and to be quite honest had I not put aside some strategies you taught me during our time together, I might not have been put in the same ridiculous spaces I found myself in during 2009. Part of me regrets we don't talk as much, but the other part remembers your words that a physical presence, while nice, doesn't come close to comparing to person's mental and spiritual essence. No matter what, I have the lessons you gave me in regards to the road less traveled, missing people, being emotionally honest and other situations dealing with the mind heart and spirit. As as long as I have that, then you are there. You are loved.

Soror Joy: Somehow, some way you always know when to hit me up, with an IM or an email. I can go a whole three months without talking to you yet your insight in just as valuable. I enjoy our growth and our similar journeys. You are truly a sister and friend. You are loved

Soror Mariam: I remember during the first days of the L.S.C. you were so kind and understanding. There were times where your kind words and silly jokes "I'm block you" just lightened my mood. I am happy you found love and marriage and it inspires me. Looking at your family at the Kwanzaa celebration made me grin on the inside and tease yall on the out. Yeah, yall really do give me hope that our generation hasn't forgotten about Black Love. You are loved.

Soror AJ: You are one of the Zeta's my mother adores, she will never forget the kind act you and your chapter did for our family that cold December day in 2006. As for me you are my sister and friend. I appreciate you more than you know, you always bring a different take and generally as a first responder you keep things to a wonderful minimum. I promise that 2010 I will be around and we will hang more. You and Ben inspire me, like Soror Mariam and her husband that one day you'll be laughing at me at my wedding and begging me to put Talae out.
You are loved Soror.

Soror Sleepy: One of the few people who knew me before Blue and White, and I suspect one of the few people who will truly know me long after Blue and White. You are an amazing friend, Soror, critic and otherwise good gal. I am happy to have known you all these years. Your place in the pantheon of my friends is secure and I want to thank you constantly checking up on me this summer. You are loved.

Soror Amber: A snarky Soror whose bite I've come to love and enjoy, somehow you are one of the few Sorors who can get me to turn it down a bit with the Facebook status messages. Yet in those snappy one liners I discern a lot and I thank you. Since 04, you've been a staple in my favorite Soror space and I don't see you going no where any time soon. You are loved, in a non piss your husband off kinda way. Obi Wan is powerful.

Soror Leslie: My pledge mom, big sister and the first Zeta to show me what this bond was about. I am glad we are slowly reconnecting but I gotta admit I need to speed this process along. I am hella slacking ya dig? We got some good history and I got so much to catch you up on. I remember the wars fought to keep our friendship alive, our respective mates hell bent on stomping us out; No matter how much they tried we only grew closer. 2010 gotta be the year we take it back old school, find a new "John's Garage" and enjoy life again. You are loved and adored.

Soror "Her": I would be emotionally dishonest if I didn't include you in this year's blog. Indeed our time together was the best of times and the worst of times. I've been through a lot, seen a lot and the shit that happened in our space was unquestionably the roughest. Even with that ugly truth, I can't deny your impact on my life since the wonderful founders day sip; I can't deny the (at one time) beautiful friendship, and while "this wasn't supposed to be like this at all", I do accept what will be will be. I thank you for all that you contributed to my presence and I in the words of Destiny's Child, am "wishing are blessed, wishing you are blessed, no stress and lots of happiness." And you know what? You are loved too. Godspeed in 2010.

Soror LRJ: Every we time we talk I laugh a bit because you are the last person I thought I would confide in in life. I giggle when I think of the immense mutual dislike; now I smile because we share an emotional bond which can not be matched. I know that you have trials right now, and honesty it can be rough. But know like I made it through, you will make it through. Anybody or anything that doesn't see your worth, fuck em. I want you to know my co-MVP that I am here at this emotional space of balance and comfort because you never gave up, grew frustrated or quit. You remained my Soror and friend and I will forever be thankful for that. You Soror are loved and adored.

Soror Jones: Twice now you have been my MVP and both times I am glad to call you such. If Soror LRJ helped me get to an emotional space, I owe my current career and spiritual space to you. God only knows that I would still be working in the salt mines had you not stepped up and gave me a hand. Our friendship has gone through a lot, has evolved and has grown. I am pleased to call you my Soror, colleague, friend and confidant. I can't wait for the day you lil ones can play with little Charles and we laugh about all of the things we been through. You like your co-MVP are so loved and adored and have my loyalty for life. Thank you for all that you do. You are loved.

Ladies of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. please on this 90th founders day enjoy it and go out and do what yall do best. Change with world.

With warm regards and love

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

1-16-2010

12:01am

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

A Better Tomorrow: Recreating Memory

"The Terrance I/we knew"~The Village.

A quick back drop:

As snarky mofo readers to this blog you've probably discerned that my favorite non historical cultural icon is without question "The Batman" (if the recent references to his ethos haven't been obvious clues). Seriously, if I were to start a mentoring program for young Black boys, there would be a section in there on the philosophy of Batman. No I haven't gone completely crazy and I am not making up something called "The philosophy of Batman" so stop laughing. It does exist. Check it out for yourself. So needless to say I'm influenced heavily by the icon of the Bat just as much as I am influenced by Dr. Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, David Ruffin or Zhuge Liang.

One of the things I love about the Tao of the Bat is that he is truly self reflective and takes his victories and defeats quite seriously. He is constantly reminding himself of who he is and how he came to be as well as deciding what he has to do to keep on that path. I think everybody should do this, and while you don't have to publicly blog like I do to sort out my issues, one does need that internal self check mechanism.

One of my favorite Batman moments of self check came after the "Knighfall" saga. During this arc, old Bats got back broke by Bane after the latter wore him down mentally then challenged him to a fight inside of Wayne Manor. It should be noted that this was significant because Bane was the first man to beat him in mental preparation and strategy and later in direct hand to hand combat. As Bruce watched his world spiral out of control, he had to take a step back to heal, refocus and remember how to be Batman; more importantly he needed to remember who he was and how he came to be. This lead into the "KnightsQuest" and "KnightsEnd" sagas, respectively, where Bruce went through extraordinary measures to become the Bat again. In effect he had to recreate and reconnect his memory. If you are interested in the stories I've posted links; I won't go into them all here but suffice to say he re-trained, re-dedicated, remembering how to be Batman and been kicking mucho ass since.

And he still takes the occasional break to reconnect and recreate.

Right about now you're probably asking what in the blue hell does this have to do with you BT39?

I'm getting to that.

Since that shitty morning on April 4th 2009 when all sense left my life, one of the main critiques I have heard from all circles was how I wasn't acting like my true self. If I had a dollar every time I heard that I'd buy blogspot.com, which should tell you the frequency in which I heard this comment. Hell during "The LSC" and "The Duel" people would say that daily and while at the time I wrote off their critiques as malarkey. But now as I ponder over the internal and external events of the past year, I really don't think they were too far off the mark.

While I am no phony and definitely not fake, I do believe I have been in survival mode for the longest time. If you are (un) familiar with the concept of survival mode, it really means you take only what you need to survive the immediate challenges/crisis and plan to/do what you can to endure a moment/while longer. In essence the constant challenges I faced from 2005 until now placed me in a position where I shed(ed) parts of who I am for parts that I felt where needed at the moment. I mean I stopped being a "warrior" to become a politician/negotiator because I believed there was no way I could combat all of my enemies that were showing up at the time. I wanted so desperately to break into my field I stopped being an organic scholar and became "an intellect". I got tired of being seen as cold, distant and evil; thus I opened up my emotions to basically the world.

Let me simplify this...in order to move quickly I had to shed pieces of a man. It's like trying to climb mountains with 100 pounds of equipment or as Erika Badu once sung "you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff". In essence I needed to catch several buses to survive the challenges I was facing and threw off traits of mine that would prolong or worsen the crisis. Of course these traits I put aside or picked up are not problematic in themselves, they did become problematic when they aren't done in balance or in moderation. Nobody should negotiate/navigate survival as much as I've done in the past 4 years, and while those skills underline a brilliant, beautiful mind, it also cost me parts of my heart, mind and soul. Snarky mofo reading this don't let anyone ever tell you that evolution doesn't come with a price. EVER.

Recently, after relapsing to a point of anger, I had to take a step back and finally decide it was time to truly heal...at least heal what I can with the tools I posses. However, when laying out a framework to heal I discerned that I had forgotten who I was and more importantly how I came to be. I have been in survival mode for so damn long the essence and core of who I am is lost; these pieces lost to pain, frustration, enemies, political machinations and ultimately failed relationships. Like my aforementioned icon, I need look back to go forward (which is called Sankofa for my African centered folk). Perhaps, once I've recreated and reconnected memory, I will get my smile and swagger back.

I do remember parts of my swagger, even if I don't remember how to connect with it. I was reminded of this as I sat down at the computer last night and got that familiar light headedness and buzz. I smiled because I knew what it was and I was eager to see where it would take me.

I saw the world without time. It took me to exactly one year prior, when I was helping a dear friend start over, when we were sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember the look in her eyes of excitement, love and nervousness and was happy to be part of that. I see myself sit on the couch to reach out to touch her and suddenly I'm back here...in this place...struggling to recreate memories.

What is so different then as opposed to now? In spite of a few bumps this time last year I was the mutha fucking Prime Minister, not phased by anything and ready for everything. In fact I said often that "there was no greater weapon than a prepared mind."

But One year later I am getting ready to retire. I'm told this is all apart of healing and for the first time in my life I'm being forced to deal with what I have in front of me. For the first time I am forced to walk alone, deal with my own pain and inexorably deal with the truth.

The truth is my smile and confidence are gone. Sure they've been tested before. Yes they've been pushed to their limits, they've been put on the DL list but never before have I said say they are gone. Right now there are gone.

Or maybe I've forgotten them, how to smile and why to smile. I've forgotten how to have swagger and why should I swag.

Thus I have my first major task of 2010 to reconnect and recreate memories. I need to take my own mental and spiritual sourjourn, outside of blogspot, outside of my familia, outside of allies, no girlfriend, woman, executive assistant, and truly remember the legend of TLT. There is no other choice and when I allow myself to truly accept this reality I can say with no ill feelings that this is the best route.

But enough of my self reflective ramblings. Right now I'm enjoy these left overs. Today I am going to relax and smile. Today I'm remember one year ago and hopefully I will reconnect with that man who thought he was about to rule the world.

Enjoy your left overs people.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:30pm
11/27/2009

A Better Tomorrow: Yesterday's Joy, Today's Anger

"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.

I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.

I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.

Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:

I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.

With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.

I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.

I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.

I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.

I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.

I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.

I also realize I am hella lonely.

I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.

I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.

I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.

I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.

I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.

Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.

I miss my smile. I miss my swag.

I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

I miss my respect.

I miss faith.

Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.

Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen

Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.

Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.

I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.

Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.

Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.

I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am

A Better Tomorrow: Silent Knight

Sup Snarky Mofos Reading this!

Sorry I have been "Silent", but I haven't felt like writing much these days. I mean I've poured so much in the blog that was my voice when I was voiceless and my free therapy that now I don't have much to say, esp at a time when there is so much to say.

I guess I've reached an emotional impasse and a creative lull; no that's not true I just really am tired of writing about my relationship woes, heartbreak(ing), and other stuff. I mean I'm still growing and healing as much as I can from the past six months but I just don't want to write about it.

In essence I'm tired of discussing how fucked up the "LSC" and past "Duel" left me.

This isn't to say I am quiting, on the contrary. I will be back in earnest at the start of the new year.

Close your mouth. You read correctly. I am done until Jan 1 2010. Maybe then I will have something to say. So with the exception of the 2009 retrospective, the MVP blog and predictions for 2010 (all which are posted on the Dec 30-Jan 1st) no new material will be coming.

In effect this Knight is silent for now. I still have a lil more healing and growing to do.

I still need to shake off the lingering nightmares.

I still need to get my true smile back.

Until then...

In the interim, I am trying to decide which piece was my best piece of 2009. I mean I want to hear your thoughts. Which piece made you laugh, cuss, cry, wish, etc. Shot me an email and let me.

Again thank you all for your patience. I haven't forgotten my supporters nor fans....or even critics.

See ya on 12-30.

Straight, No Chaster
TLT
10:28am
11-9-2009

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm