"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z
"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri
I
do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.
It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will
finally/definitely bounce back from this
terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.
The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.
Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.
"Been a while. How you doing?"
"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."
I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.
"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.
"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.
"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."
He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about '
him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."
"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.
"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.
I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.
"Appreciate that. I try."
"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."
"I am fighting no war."
"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."
"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"
"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"
"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"
"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"
I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.
"Right" he quips rather bluntly.
We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.
"You're afraid to send them?"
"Yes."
"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"
"She loves em."
"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"
"Been a minute."
"Wanna see?"
I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.
"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.
"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.
Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.
He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a '
rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.
Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of '
fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.
"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.
I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.
A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.
I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Excuse me"
"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"
"Huh?"
"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"
I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."
"Raise your head my child"
I look up fighting back tears and speak.
"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."
"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."
"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage
"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"
Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.
" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."
She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."
"Thank you." I turn to walk away.
"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the
park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."
I walk out.
As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"
"Yes it was in fact."
He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.
"Walk with me"
"I'd rather not"
"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."
It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.
"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.
"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.
I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "
he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.
He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first
met. Or was it that
night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.
Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"
Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."
"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."
My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "
when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."
He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.
"Fair enough."
"Can I go now?"
"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"
In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.
"Mr. Thomas?"
Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"
"You OWE me a test...."
As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "
sleep" the last thing I hear.
I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.
TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?
It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.
See ya soon
~StarTo my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.
My test had begun.
To Be Continued.......
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm
It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.
