"The Terrance I/we knew"~The Village.
A quick back drop:As snarky mofo readers to this blog you've probably discerned that my favorite non historical cultural icon is without question "
The Batman" (if the recent references to his ethos haven't been obvious clues). Seriously, if I were to start a mentoring program for young Black boys, there would be a section in there on the philosophy of Batman. No I haven't gone completely crazy and I am not making up something called "The philosophy of Batman" so stop laughing. It does exist. Check it
out for yourself. So needless to say I'm influenced heavily by the icon of the Bat just as much as I am influenced by Dr. Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, David Ruffin or Zhuge Liang.
One of the things I love about the Tao of the Bat is that he is truly self reflective and takes his victories and defeats quite seriously. He is constantly reminding himself of who he is and how he came to be as well as deciding what he has to do to keep on that path. I think everybody should do this, and while you don't have to publicly blog like I do to sort out my issues, one does need that internal self check mechanism.
One of my favorite Batman moments of self check came after the "
Knighfall" saga. During this arc, old Bats got back broke by Bane after the latter wore him down mentally then challenged him to a fight inside of Wayne Manor. It should be noted that this was significant because Bane was the
first man to beat him in mental preparation and strategy and later in direct hand to hand combat. As Bruce watched his world spiral out of control, he had to take a step back to heal, refocus and remember how to be Batman; more importantly he needed to remember who he was and how he came to be. This lead into the "
KnightsQuest" and "
KnightsEnd" sagas, respectively, where Bruce went through extraordinary measures to become the Bat again. In effect he had to recreate and reconnect his memory. If you are interested in the stories I've posted links; I won't go into them all here but suffice to say he re-trained, re-dedicated, remembering how to be Batman and been kicking mucho ass since.
And he still takes the occasional break to reconnect and recreate.
Right about now you're probably asking what in the blue hell does this have to do with you BT39?
I'm getting to that.
Since that shitty morning on April 4th 2009 when
all sense left my life, one of the main critiques I have heard from all circles was how I wasn't acting like my true self. If I had a dollar every time I heard that I'd buy blogspot.com, which should tell you the frequency in which I heard this comment. Hell during
"The LSC" and "
The Duel" people would say that daily and while at the time I wrote off their critiques as malarkey. But now as I ponder over the internal and external events of the past year, I really don't think they were too far off the mark.
While I am no phony and definitely not
fake, I do believe I have been in survival mode for the longest time. If you are (un) familiar with the concept of survival mode, it really means you take only what you need to survive the
immediate challenges/crisis and plan to/do what you can to endure a
moment/while longer. In essence the
constant challenges I faced from 2005 until now placed me in a position where I shed(ed) parts of who I am for parts that I felt where needed at the moment. I mean I stopped being a "warrior" to become a politician/negotiator because I believed there was no way I could combat all of my enemies that were showing up at the time. I wanted so desperately to break into my field I stopped being an organic scholar and became "an intellect". I got tired of being seen as cold, distant and evil; thus I opened up my emotions to basically the world.
Let me simplify this...in order to move quickly I had to shed pieces of a man. It's like trying to climb mountains with 100 pounds of equipment or as Erika Badu once sung "
you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff". In essence I needed to catch several buses to survive the challenges I was facing and threw off traits of mine that would prolong or worsen the crisis. Of course these traits I put aside or picked up are not problematic in themselves, they did become problematic when they aren't done in balance or in moderation. Nobody should negotiate/navigate survival as much as I've done in the past 4 years, and while those skills underline a
brilliant, beautiful mind, it also cost me parts of my heart, mind and soul. Snarky mofo reading this don't let anyone ever tell you that
evolution doesn't come with a price. EVER.
Recently, after relapsing to a point of anger, I had to take a step back and finally decide it was time to truly heal...at least heal what I can with the tools I posses. However, when laying out a framework to heal I discerned that I had forgotten who I was and more importantly how I came to be. I have been in survival mode for so damn long the essence and core of who I am is lost; these pieces lost to pain, frustration, enemies, political machinations and ultimately failed relationships. Like my aforementioned icon, I need look back to go forward (which is called Sankofa for my African centered folk). Perhaps, once I've recreated and reconnected memory, I will get my smile and swagger back.
I do remember parts of my swagger, even if I don't remember how to connect with it. I was reminded of this as I sat down at the computer last night and got that familiar light headedness and buzz. I smiled because I knew what it was and I was eager to see where it would take me.
I saw the world without time. It took me to exactly one year prior, when I was helping a dear friend start over, when we were sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember the look in her eyes of excitement, love and nervousness and was happy to be part of that. I see myself sit on the couch to reach out to touch her and suddenly I'm back here...in this place...struggling to recreate memories.
What is so different then as opposed to now? In spite of a few bumps this time last year I was the mutha fucking Prime Minister, not phased by anything and ready for everything. In fact I said often that "there was no greater weapon than a prepared mind."
But One year later I am getting ready to retire. I'm told this is all apart of healing and for the first time in my life I'm being forced to deal with what I have in front of me. For the first time I am forced to walk alone, deal with my own pain and inexorably deal with the truth.
The truth is my smile and confidence are gone. Sure they've been tested before. Yes they've been pushed to their limits, they've been put on the DL list but never before have I said say they are gone. Right now there are gone.
Or maybe I've forgotten them, how to smile and why to smile. I've forgotten how to have swagger and why should I swag.
Thus I have my first major task of 2010 to reconnect and recreate memories. I need to take my own mental and spiritual sourjourn, outside of blogspot, outside of my familia, outside of allies, no girlfriend, woman, executive assistant, and truly remember the legend of TLT. There is no other choice and when I allow myself to truly accept this reality I can say with no ill feelings that this is the best route.
But enough of my self reflective ramblings. Right now I'm enjoy these left overs. Today I am going to relax and smile. Today I'm remember one year ago and hopefully I will reconnect with that man who thought he was about to rule the world.
Enjoy your left overs people.....
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:30pm
11/27/2009
It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.
