The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

Weathering the Storm: The Final Moments of 2009.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"~A Tale of Two Cities.

During the best of times I believed that I would have proposed by now, entering 2010 with a future wife. Then the worst of times came and I believed that I would not see 2010. During this time came a fall.

Then a Crisis.

Then a Duel.

Which lead to a search for a Better Tomorrow.

In which I had to reconstruct memory and reconnect with my true self.

And I got up from that fall, to show myself approved, to prove once and forever that now there is NOBODY who can out perform me in a big name match; that I am not the kind of muthafucker you put into the mid-card but rather one you build the company around. I am the main event.

In 2009 I lost a queen, a kingdom, an army and the best tiger general. But yet I survived. I fucking survived. This in turn lead me to understand I need to/and will live life instead of surviving. I get another chance at redemption and to live.

Howard Hughes said it best:
"I wanna thank you God for giving me one more chance to raise my voice and to say amen!"

It's a song I sing every new year. I am grateful for this. Thank you Jehovah indeed.

With this discernment instead of lsmenting a lost love, I am celebrating with like minded people in a space where my strengths are not seen as weaknesses; I am celebrating a renewed sense of purpose, discernment into who TLT really is, and a clear appreciation of my strength, courage and wisdom. Unlike this moment in NYE's past there is no sadness, but a sense of peace..long overdue and excitement over the seeds of hope that I have planted.

2009 I bid you adieu. I took your best and survived.

*outstreches arms*
Let's see what you got 2010.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-31-2009
11:59pm

Of Mice and Men: The Seeds of Hope and the Journey of 2009

"Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
~Elliot Ness

2009-A year I will long remember.

I had planned on proposing on New Year's Eve. I was going to do it right before the BFL toast (or whatever toast we would be having). I had every intention of starting 2010 with her as my fiance and my family life finally together.

I had begun saving for a ring. I was thinking of wedding concepts so when it came time for her to plan the wedding I wouldn't be the typical male bump on the log.

Of course as you are undoubtedly aware, those dreams were smashed to pieces in perfect storm of depression, stubbornness, mis-communication, and angst that was the LSC (and by extension the DOF), which has the dubious honor of being the darkest and most unjust time of my lfe.

Subsequently, during the months that followed and the accompanying emotions I had made the decision not to suffer any more setbacks or let downs. So depressed and heartbroken was I that it was not outside the sphere of reality for me to have made the ridiculous and equally selfish decision to commit the ultimate act of surrender. Thankfully most of despair passed and I scrapped those plans. I give credit to Jehovah for not leaving me when my faith seems to give out. That more than anything is the reason why I know I was able to scrap those plans.

Before I did understand the saying "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

Trust me I understand it now.

Even as I publish this retrospective of 2009, this piece you are reading is not what I planned. I had written something harsh, a tome to let the world know how badly I was hurt and let down by the various people whom I love(d) so dearly. It was a beautifully written lamentation of the dark year of my life. Yeah I was gonna make this blog cry as I so love to say.

However, I refuse to end 2009 like that. I will not end with the blogspot's version of Tupac's "Machiavelli" album; a well written, creatively sound, but extremely disturbed piece of work.

There is no question I lost in a major way this year. Anybody who can't discern that or questions that or even disagrees with this assessment needs their head checked. It is also a known fact I need to take time and rebuild. This is why recreating my historical memory is essential to my healing.

But at the same time I have learned so much, endured so much, survived so much and gained so much in 2009; despite my soul breaking losses I did eventually make it to one knee and I did begin my process of getting back on my feet. That in itself is a blessing. It also proves my assertion that when it matters I'm a solider. I will never surrender, quit or give in....even when I think I'm going to.

I realize even in the shadow of those losses there are rays of bright light that shine through. I FINALLY have the career I want. I have honed my skills as a writer. My new inner circle will now be full of people who share similar world views and aspirations, as well as my victories and struggles. MOST importantly I am blessed with loving, intelligent, wonderful, awe inspiring sons. Their existence continues to fill me with energy and provide me with the seeds of hope.

With those seeds of hope I know, if for no other reason that after this year I can only go up; I eagerly await the harvest of 2010. If my dream and castle burned, then out of those ashes will arise a man, stronger than anything ever seen, more focused and determined.

I will never again lose like I did this year. There is NO Greater weapon than a prepared mind. Believe you and me, I am preparing my mind.

Thank you for taking this journey with me blogspot and snarky mofo reading this.

Until all are one and restored.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-2-2009
9:10pm

A Better Tomorrow: Silent Knight

Sup Snarky Mofos Reading this!

Sorry I have been "Silent", but I haven't felt like writing much these days. I mean I've poured so much in the blog that was my voice when I was voiceless and my free therapy that now I don't have much to say, esp at a time when there is so much to say.

I guess I've reached an emotional impasse and a creative lull; no that's not true I just really am tired of writing about my relationship woes, heartbreak(ing), and other stuff. I mean I'm still growing and healing as much as I can from the past six months but I just don't want to write about it.

In essence I'm tired of discussing how fucked up the "LSC" and past "Duel" left me.

This isn't to say I am quiting, on the contrary. I will be back in earnest at the start of the new year.

Close your mouth. You read correctly. I am done until Jan 1 2010. Maybe then I will have something to say. So with the exception of the 2009 retrospective, the MVP blog and predictions for 2010 (all which are posted on the Dec 30-Jan 1st) no new material will be coming.

In effect this Knight is silent for now. I still have a lil more healing and growing to do.

I still need to shake off the lingering nightmares.

I still need to get my true smile back.

Until then...

In the interim, I am trying to decide which piece was my best piece of 2009. I mean I want to hear your thoughts. Which piece made you laugh, cuss, cry, wish, etc. Shot me an email and let me.

Again thank you all for your patience. I haven't forgotten my supporters nor fans....or even critics.

See ya on 12-30.

Straight, No Chaster
TLT
10:28am
11-9-2009

Yet ANOTHER Weekend Update.....

Sup Snarky Mofo Reading this...

100th Post:
With the "Past as Prologue" post, Straight, No Chaser reached its 100th blog. Man that's incredible when you consider that before October of 2008, I rarely touched this thing, not because I wasn't writing but because I posted most of my work on Myspace. As I begin to tire of Myspace, I moved my work over here and have gotten love and support that you couldn't imagine. Thank you.

This blog is my heart. It is my written testament of my life, legacy, journeys and battles. Together we survived a lot, most recently the Love Supreme Crisis. Thank you dearly for walking with me. With out question this is probably the most accurate gauge of where I am mentally. Indeed, you wanna know what's on my head and heart Straight, No Chaser is a damn good insight.

Someone near and dear to my heart told me I do my best writing when I am angry or in pain. I see that is true because in this year alone I've logged 78 posts (half of that in the first month of the crisis) in 2009. I want to work on that because while I do my best work when I am carrying a lot, I don't want (and never intended it to be) Straight, No Chaser to be a testament to sadness and pain, but rather life, love, and growth.

Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to work I go:
Yes I am back in the workforce as a case manager for a service provider hub here in Chicago. Although a temporary assignment with room to grow (and grow I shall) it feels so good to be back doing what I love: serving the people. It is a wonderful feeling to know you've impacted or tried to impact on a person's life; to know my words my have had and made a difference. As I said in an earlier post and will further clarify in a later one...I am through with side gigs just to say I have one. The last non field related gig I had helped push me to the edge and I am not doing that again. It's social service/education or bust for me. Real talk.



The Blackberry 8900:
I FINALLY got my phone. I am the PROUD owner of the Blackberry 8900! Thank you Jehovah! First he blesses me with the aforementioned new job, then he gives me the phone? For real? Man I need to study harder. Admittedly I broke the bank on the 8900, affectionately known as Black Heroin 2 (BH2) but you know what it was worth it. BH2 has a sleek design, a 3.2 mega pixel camera, updated applications, 5 hr talk time battery sweet Black Jesus this phone is great. I sleep with it and wipe it with a cloth daily. I have retired my old one, giving it a well deserved rest. It did me well. It really did.



Rebuilding:
It is what is supposed to be slow, carefully and difficult. I wouldn't want it any other way. Those whose files are under review are being done so with an open heart, prayer, and fairness. Those who I need to reconcile with have been reconciled. BFL09 still runs shit. And those who I seek to reconcile with must allow me the moment to do so. These intellectual and moral complications aside everything should be up and running at peak efficiency by end of September or early mid October...which would be utterly ironic.


Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc.
*sigh* First we making Betas, then we accept Bill Clinton and Al Sharpton as honorary members? This is their reward for standing in the way of history...as anti Obamaites? We reward them with our letters...and niggaz wonder why I rep the BFL and not the PBS. Help me Black Jesus.


Random Thought:
Does Bambi miss Thumper now they are in different parts of the forest?








My Birthday:
Since baptism probably will happen this winter I have decided to have my first and only birthday party of my life. If we're friends on Facebook you'll find it there. If not then it will more than likely be on August 8th at the Green Dolphin. I am looking to make it a color party. Any suggestions? It's funny when I think about a conversation I had last year with one of My Minister of the Interior: 33 was a defining year for me. Indeed.



Aight, with that I am gonna lay it down. The next blog "Duel of Fates" should be up by Friday.

Happy Monday Blogspot!

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-20-2009
1:25am

You Do Know God Hates A Coward Right?

" I knew you were a punk you will not publish that comment cause it is the truth you aint got nothing but you ridin people bout what they did not supply you. you gone 50 with nuttin so how those tire tracks feel " ~ Author Unknown (however judging by the venom spit it is someone who is truly scorned by me)

This is just one of the daily non snarky comments that grace my blog and sadly at times graces the blog of (the)Queen. At first I took them as annoying blips by women who were hurt, but now I'm kinda feeling sorry for the pour soul. Why? Well as emotional as Straight, No Chaser has been the past four months, by no means has it been a testament to "sadness". In fact I talk about my love for my sons and my God. I talk about my hopes and dreams of the future and yes since it is a traumatic experience losing the woman I wanted to marry I wax on about that too. But what I don't do and will never do is spit venom at her. I know at times a lot of my blogs seem like I'm taking shots; I'm not. I'm working through "the ways of the nation", trying to re-center myself and find a solution to a complex problem and if I'm lucky recenter myself and reclaim my soul mate.....when I am ready. While not materially rich, I am rich in other ways a fact, even at my lowest, I have never for gotten. More importantly, even if I dont have "anything" now as you claim, I do have something you'll never have: memories of a great relationship (albeit complicated) and a sense of peace. How ya like them Apples?


No, I'm not a punk however I do believe I've dedicated far too much energy to people who leave snarky, smart mouthed comments on BOTH our blogs, yet have no courage or heart to sign them. Seriously, if you have all this insight into me, she, or whatever sign your name. Open a dialogue. Don't hide.
I have been many things in my stellar career. I have had set backs and fear. I have not acted out of uncertainty. But the one thing I have never been is a coward. I don't honor them. I don't listen to them and honestly I think Jah's words on cowards can be found at 2 Timothy 1:7 and Revelations 21:8.


So no I am no longer posting anonymous comments from fake profiles or no names. You got something to say, then speak on it. Sign your name and let's dialogue. Stop vandalizing her blog. YOUR WORDS HAVE NO IMPACT ON WHATEVER THE DYNAMIC WAS OR WILL BE. Your simply a bitter person who just need to work that out.

Even with all the sadness and depression and struggles I can say the one emotion I've never had is bitterness. If she has moved on, if I never see her again I shant vandalize her blog, I shant harass her on email or twitter and I shant hate. I SHALL in the words of Destiny's Child "wish(ing) her to be bless, no stress and LOTS of happiness.

Perhaps you should do that too....

Now...dust those tracks off your back, pick yourself up and move forward. I am trying to earnestly through Jehovah, therapy, prayer and supplication. I suggest you do the same..because love laying there is just not sexy...or helping either of us.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-07-2009
1:38pm

The Weekend Update...and its ONLY Sunday.

Quick hits:

Doing the damn thing..........

Despite not being able (or rather unwilling) to focus and study, I managed to pass my basic skills exam which enables me to now pursue in earnest teaching opportunities. I am excited about this recent development in my life as I have longed to teach but was both too lazy and afraid to get off my arse and make it so. Heh. Can you imagine me molding young minds?

I can too.

Celebrations........

Much love to my familia BFL09 for the celebration last night. What started as a game night ended up being a party throw in my favor and even some old school mofos came through and made it special. Despite the difficulties that was April and the "Love Supreme" crisis, you all have shown the true meaning of friendships and even when I made it hard stood by me. Again I love you all so much.

Diamonds.are.forever...and so is my BFL.

Spiritual Progress........

My walk to Jehovah is going smoothly, must different than before. I am (trying to) inculcate (Det 6:4-9) the lessons, I keep on knocking and seeking (Mat 7:7) because more than anything else this is the most important journey I've gone on. All things being equal I should be baptised by the fall or at the latest by years end. I truly await this new chapter in my life.

A Lil Short.....

After three weeks I deep sixed my cleanse. While I am going to continue the colon cleansing aspect, the no drinking/eating only fish went straight out the window in large part thanks to the aforementioned celebration we had last night and in large part to my alcoholic gene. In spite coming up almost three weeks short I am proud that I managed to complete the time I did, as I was often chastised for not having given up anything...well never mind. I did well. Good job TLT.

Captain, there is another Bird of Prey de-cloaking off starboard.....

Just when I thought I whupped one challenge I learn something new and find out a truth that is gonna shake up some shit. While I am not ready to reveal this yet, all I can say is I need to make sure I'm at peak efficiency because this sumabitch I'm drop will not be for the weak. Enough of that...

~Fin

All right blogspot and snarky mofo reading this, I need to get ready for the Hall, shake off the lingering effects of a night full of Black Russians and ready my sons for fahter-son activities.

Enjoy your day and the sun...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-24-2009
10:31am