The Duel of Fates: Introduction To A Duel

"A Great Hero to save the world and a great villain to ruin it"

~ Xu Shao

The other night taught me something about myself; rather the other night confirmed something I've known for quite a while: I am a walking contradiction. At first (like most things I don't want to accept or acknowledge) I glossed over it. I wrote them off as quirks, some sorta of higher evolution of an anti hero understanding that boundaries and lines are nothing more than expendable tools. But as I was forced to my knees, contemplating yet again to take "his" offer I realized it was worse than I had suspected for what man seeks the help of both God and the devil? Now before you baptists start talking out the side of your neck, the bible is full of men who faced such challenges and moral paradigms. King Saul, King Solomon, the disciple Ananias are but some of a few examples of men who had this very same internal contradiction but instead of reconciling it they allowed this to destroy them. Thus it would be pretty friggin arrogant (and it was) to assume that I, someone who isn't of that great spiritual class, wouldn't face or even engage in such a paradigm. Laying there kneeling on the ground by my own vomit showed me the truth of this next phase in my life, one which would finally address not only the aftermath and effects of the Love Supreme Crisis, but also a number of places were I, a man who used to live and die by the words found at Luke 16:13, now seem to find it so easy at times to "alter the deal". I need to figure out how and why in some areas of my life I am the happiest man alive and how in other areas I carry what the Danish philosopher Kierkegaard refers to as "the sickness unto death." Indeed contradictions can lead to depression, depression into despair and the next thing you know you're talking to the "Star" and inquiring about his benefits package.

So thus we enter the phase of my life I have aptly entitled "The Duel of Fates." What exactly is "The Duel of Fates"? It's name is derived from the main song in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. It is argued among Star Wars fandoom this duel, engaged in the Theed Palace, altered the course of the galactic history because the one Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn, who could have properly trained Anakin Skywalker (thereby preventing him from giving in to his own unreconciled contradictions and becoming Darth Vader) and the only Jedi with the foresight to keep his eyes on the present (thereby noticing Palpatine's manipulations and stopping them) was killed, leaving Anakin's training to an inexperienced Obi Wan Kenobi and a reluctant Jedi Council. Complicated I know but all relevant as what happened since April 4 2009 will determines what happens from this day forward; to be clear not only April 4th but the other moments in my life are all being called into review to find the moment I began to be the contradiction and work through its existence. In essence, my own Duels, especially the ones over the past 3-4 months will chart the course of my life.

When first conceived "The Duel of Fates" was supposed to be me attempting to reconcile the contradictions in my external life, for example trying to come to terms that I was trying to save two friendships from being lost, (the) Queen and the General, even though they represent two polar opposites on the scale. Or the concept I wasn't taking ANY more B.S. gigs not related to my field and still be able to provide for my sons. Or how to accept my new responsibility with full arms but keep it at arms length. In this context the duel was going to be my master political stroke where I pulled off a bunch of Kissinger like moves and then go have a drink.

Yet the event of the other night and a subsequent conversation with the ONE person who got all of this and understands, Ishmariablanca, let me know that my battle was not external; with my skills and intelligence she argued I didn't have any "external problems". In the most flattering way she said men like me didn't have external problems. Instead, my contradictions lie within; a result of trying to be all things to all men yet without Holy Spirit. It was my forsaking of the above counsel found at Luke, that led me to have this internal Duel and this expanded to my various areas of my life. It's similar to the whole "Negronia or Afrolantia" argument Nickjack offered, but on a more spiritual level. Consider: The Love Supreme was the happiest moment in my life, yet I spent so much time fighting ghosts, blog vandals, disgruntled Generals, and all other sorts of non essential beings that I lead to my OWN doom. Yes, my depression was at the root of the bad decisions but the fact remains some of those "brilliant" ideas (like beefing with the blog vandal/s) was just plain stupid. She pointed out that even if I reconciled these external differences, I would only sabotage them again because the duality I would be forced to live would create a sadness that would lead to depression that would lead to my having that sickness unto death: despair. I would have to come to terms, pick a side, chose a path and stick to it. I was reminded to let my yes mean yes and my no mean no.

So I sat down and thought of the legend of Terrance L, who I was and how I came to be. I thought of where I am now in the post Love Supreme Crisis moment, this/the Duel of Fates and where I need to go from here. When it comes to our morals and honor code (or integress like the church folk would say), life isn't a cafeteria buffet where we pick the and chose what to follow whenever it is morally expedient. I will have to chose. I will have to either accept Jehovah's wisdom/life or the Star's Knowledge/status. I no longer have the luxury, as I approach my 34th birthday of fence sitting. Only cowards sit on the fence and I have never been nor will I ever be a coward. I can take my time in making my decision, but one would have to be made none the less. I accept I will have to struggle and fight, indeed Blessed are those who Struggle, but what and who I fight for is the more central question.

Do not be mislead; I am by no means implying or stating this will be easy and I wont stumble. In fact I am perfectly prepared for the uncomfortablity that comes with working out inner contradictions. Yet, like any good political system (and we humans are nothing more than an organic/spiritual/emotional/ political system) I need to have this civil war, this reconciling of my poles in order to move forward. I am not and will not be perfect, however that should not prevent me from striving for it and returning to that Man of Honor I once so proudly was and yet so foolishly allowed to become compromised over the past few years.

The other day I got a phone call from a most important friend I hadn't heard from in a moment, checking up on me and in my view testing the waters, perhaps an attempt to reconcile some things of their own. During the course of the conversation they commented on how disappointed and hurt (in so many words) they were with my party invite. Publicly, I declare myself to be a creature trying to serve Jehovah, I say I am a heart broken man seeking to heal, and I often speak/spoke on how I wanna do things right yet my party invite was full of language and images of a horny 20 something frat party. Later that day I contemplated this contradiction and changed my invite; I cleaned it up. That friend was SO correct. Although my invite was done in humor, a feeble attempt to try to "change up" from the sadness I've shown for a while, it just didn't reflect the man I am and trying to be; it was an attempt to pander and show the world how I was "over it". It was neither funny nor am I over it and that should be dealt with honestly and accurately. I changed the invite. The irony? When I did change the invite more people accepted it and committed to coming to celebrate. My one and only party was almost destroyed by a contradiction, but saved by reconciling it. Thank you old friend.

In this Duel of Fates I TRULY understand the battle(s) that lay ahead. I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what must be done. The question for me is, as its always been, is which method: Jehovah or the Star's.

Time to make that decision now and forever....

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-2-2009

9:00pm