JJ's Grill

Just had a gentle reminder how short and precious life is...

So around the old house is a little hood spot called JJ's Grill. Last year during a lazy moment I decided to give them a try because I loathed Captain Hooks. There I meet an Indian Brother by the name of Jude. Jude was an interesting fellow because unlike other Arab/Indian Store restaurant owners in that area, he was actually polite, sometimes too polite, but still polite. I noticed this right away and thanking him for being respectful and not calling me "boss", talking down to kids, just generally not being a jerk. At the time, I was wearing my "Theology requires brains" hoodie and he asked me if I was a Christian. I got nervous wondering if our pleasant conversation was going to get nasty but in fact it didn't. Come to find out Jude was a devout Christian, to be more concise he was an apologetic. I think we chopped it up for like 40 mins that afternoon. I learned that we liked some of the same folk: Tony Evans, Ravi Zacharis, both liked Moody even if we thought they were a bit "crazy". I shared with him my goals to enroll in Seminary during the new year and he from that moment on always called me "Preacher" "Reverand" or "Counselor" no matter how much I tried to stop him, I just would bristle at those titles he kept saying it. For the next couple of months we would chop it up about different Christian topics: Being Saved in a hostile environment, being Christian Parents, the role of fathers etc. I do believe had it not been for the move, I could have seen myself trying to truly be his friend and I like to think he was beginning to see me as such.

Today, having a tired lazy moment I placed the called to JJ's Grill since they delivered to grab me and the Heirs some dinner. Jude didn't answer the phone, another voice did. Rather than explain my order to the new person I asked for Jude since he knew it by heart. I also wanted to surprise him since I didn't get a chance to tell him I was leaving the area. It was his brother who answered the phone and he shared with me that Jude died a couple of weeks ago from a heart attack at the age of 42. I offered my condolences ordered my food, one time for the road. Before we ended the call I shared how his brother was an encouragement and a breathe of fresh air and asked he continue the policy of respecting the community. He said he would.

I had been meaning for the past month to swing by the restaurant on my way home to check in, let him know how school was and chop it up. Each time I'd put it off because I was tired, had to meet with someone, or just because I was lazy. I never got a chance to tell that Brother in Christ thank you for that encouragement at a time when I felt I had zero encouragement or support. It was one more reminder to stop, slow down, enjoy this journey. All this grinding and moving and hustle hustle hustle for what? I can do this and enjoy life. Visit the people and places I love and still be effective. My man TN is right...(and I hate admitting when he's right cause he gooses me) but it's OK to relax, spend time with loved ones and just chill on this journey. No Seminary work tonight, no GO Fund Me website, just gonna hang with my Heirs and relax. This one off day ain't gonna hurt nobody. To my friend..I pray for your family, esp your two young daughters and wife. I hope you are enjoying paradise. Most importantly Jude...Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria

In Truth and Transparency
TLT
4-24-2014
6:30pm

The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

The 2010 MVP

Ambassador Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...
Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.
Ambassador Sarek: But at what cost ? Your ship. Your son.
Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.
~Admiral Kirk to Ambassador Sarek on why he risked everything to save Captain Spock, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I wrestled with writing this little ode because the person it honors abhors loud and extra behavior by Negroes, and having seen her check such Negroes I really didn't want to draw her ire. Yet, I felt willing to risk it because I wanted to pay her as much respect in public as I do in private; I'm a firm believer in giving both public and private props where applicable. But still I debated a whole week (two if you count the bout of writers block) if writing this was appropriate.

Yet, not to write this would be a travesty of sorts considering I have written about MVP's who a) in retrospect shouldn't have gotten the award and b) ain't done half of what this person has done in my life. So this year's winner is gonna have to suck it up and endure this moment of extraneous and read (while smiling) their tribute blog.

In fairness this one was over before it really began....which is shocking because I honestly thought it would be impossible to top last years winners. Yet, by May this competition was in the bag; actually it wasn't even a competition it was just me completing the process so nobody could cry foul. It was sorta like the Rahm ballot hearings but on a more personal and meaningful level.

When I think of the 2010 MVP, I often ask myself why I didn't select this person sooner. She is intelligent, wise, caring, a Woman of God, giving, a great reader of people and (with no disrespect) blunt to the point being rude. I could go on about her qualities but then that would only be redundant; just know this sister is as good as they get.

While I was brainstorming this blog, I realized though I didn't see her skills or understand our friendship because I wasn't ready. I would not have recognized the wisdom and favor that my friend has brought on my life. I needed the soul breaking of 2009 to make me ready to listen in 2010. I guess this is what the Bible means when it speaks of a (set) time for favor to come (Ps 102:13 KJV). It wasn't time and I needed to be in a position to receive and finally get it.

NOW, I am aware AND appreciative of what this friendship means to me. This year's MVP is not only my BFF but my Chief of Staff. I once told her father that if I ever got my own company or became an Alderman (or something) that she would be my COS in theory as well as reality; she would be my right hand because there isn't anyone I believe I trust as much on the planet. Our friendship proves that men and women can be friends, there is love in the Kingdom and that truly virtue and wisdom come from a woman.

So without further adieu: Congratulations to 2010 MVP: Nonie Olison.

Per the custom, here is your thank you note.

COS,

I owe you. Words can not express my gratitude for you coming back for me. I mean it. Thank you for coming back for me. At a time in my life when folks didn't know how to help me, when people seemed to think I lost it, when I thought I lost it, you never quit on me. I know you don't like it when I say this, but I swear had you not been on maternity leave the LSC and DOF would not have happened. I would not have experienced that soul breaking moment. You would have saw through her/it/our nonsense and called it. But I guess then we wouldn't have be here? I guess you are right: I needed that to get to this place. So I'll accept 2009 as a corner needed to turn and in the process I can hear my BFF's and God's voice.

I love our how friendship has evolved and grown. I love how we can have open and honest dialog. I appreciate how you keep me honest without condemnation, yet you are straight forward enough to offer insight on actions that don't represent God,the Kingdom, my heirs, or myself. This is rare among people our age. I was laughing with a friend last night and she acknowledged that truly you are the COS and all roads to the throne come through Olison town.

I couldn't agree more.

I know at times I can be difficult and appear selfish to you and your needs as my bff; I can be too Terrance-centric. Trust and believe that is not the case. I am well aware you need encouragement and uplifting as well, but at times I make the mistake of forgetting even the best needs a hug and a Word every now and then. I've been working on that and hopefully it has manifested itself.

Dear friend I know right now you are going through a difficult season. This season is going to test you and push you. I have been there twice. But as God and those three elders are my witnesses, I will stand with you and help you through as you have done with me. The hubby and the kids are blessed to have you and I hope if God sees fit he will bless me with a wife of your caliber. Just as you stood tall with me on both occasions, I will stand tall with you. Your family, esp our Pastor Mama CO has my loyalty and best performance of duty.

I am not sure if you are a Trekkie but I picked the above quote from Star Trek because like Admiral Kirk going back for his friend Captain Spock, you coming back for me was a great risk also. I was as self destructive as it got and you reaching back could have gone so many different ways. But that kind of selflessness is what defines you and your family; you saw the best in me and figured out how to get your friend to press towards the mark of the high calling. Again, thank you dear friend.

COS, I don't want to be overly long, in part because there are no words to stress what you mean to me. I just needed to say and write to you dear friend what I promised. I look forward to big things in 2011 and I am glad we are going to make this journey together. Indeed, the line is moving.

One more time, Congratulations 2010 MVP!

*pause*

And before you ask Naw Negro ain't no U.S. money is attached to this award like in sports. I mean I can pay you in link dollars but mostly your financial compensation is in Kingdom money.

*play*

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
12-29-2010
1:31:15AM

Peace, Upgrades and Redemption: Finding comfort and solace in Faith

"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know.
Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness.
Ain't that what the good book says?"
~John Marston

I was talking with an old friend of mine about my
spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.

The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.

As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.

Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.

Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).

More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?

Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).

I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.

As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.

Ain't nothing else really needs saying...

In Truth and Transparency

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-02-2010
3:45pm

Fade to Black: The Book of TLT

"Thank you for keeping me resolute,
when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli

It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.

I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.

As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.



I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9:01pm
1-22-2010

Happy Founders Day Zeta Phi Beta 2010: Frontlines and Tactical Support

"I'll be there" ~Jackson 5

When I became a man of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc., back in 2002, I often envisioned that my relationship with frat would be such that if I ever needed a helping hand or a brother to have my back it would be there. I believed at the time that PBS would be the new BFL and with certain brothers I would probably rule Sigma and then the world. I admit there is a bit of hyperbole in this statement but the fact remains I thought my relationship with my beleaguered/beloved frat would be well, BFL.

Bu as we have learned with me "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

Conversely, I didn't think I would have a good relationship with my Sorors. At the point in history when I became MAB, I really was still learning how to deal with myself, let alone finer Black women. Since I am being truthful and transparent my first couple of dealing with Sorors, esp this one from ATL was, in a word, fucked.

As we have also learned from me redemption and confronting the unexpected with success is another hallmark of TLT.

I often laugh and is teased by baby mama that I am more solid with my Sorors than my Brothers; I think its weird that I can bond easier with the finer (space) women than with the men of my wondrous band. You think I'm lying? Check this fun fact: In the past ten years, a Soror has been the winner of my annual MVP award 5 times, with one Soror winning it twice. These Sorors were: my pledge mom Ms. Perse in 2002, Soror Sage in 2005, Soror Minister of the Interior in 2007 and 2009, Soror (the)Queen/Party A/ Black Butterfly (* ain't decided on a new code name yet) in 2008, and lastly you had Soror Shulimite Woman in 2009. I guess I need to explore why this is; I reckon that is a blog for another day but for now let me get back to the primary focus of this piece.

Happy Founder's Day to the Illustrious, Wonderful Finer (space) Women of
Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc.

90 years in the game huh? Damn that's a milestone by any standard. 90 years of being forerunners in scholarship, service, sisterhood, and baling out bro's like myself who always seem to find themselves in a pickle. 90 years of getting it done, sometimes winning hella pretty and sometimes winning ugly. 90 years of reppin Black beauty and Black womanhood to the uptenth power. Indeed, my beloved Sorors you all are the greatest and I am happy to be connected to you.

I laugh when I think about the fact that my Sorors at times are more BFL than BFL and more frat than Sigma. I chuckle that my first response units are generally my Sorors and I also chuckle when I realize those who are truly down for me are the women of Z-Phi-B. As I said in previous blogs I thank you deeply, from the bottom of my heart for this. I can never repay it although I am definitely not opposed to trying; this annual blog for instance is a testament to my gratefulness

So without further adieu let me get on to the shout outs:

Soror Lillet: Where in the hell is my attorney and Soror? You are loved.

Soror Rev. Dr: I've learned you are Wonder Woman to my Batman; an insightful albeit antagonist ally. Yet there are few who can match me intellectually and teach me something spiritually. It was you who put those "Mornings" and walks with the "Star" into context, taught me about the "despair unto death" and challenged me to quit drinking (which I did for a time). I regret we could not see eye to eye on our growth as friends, but this does not negate the fact that when shit was hectic you were there and offered me the tools to build a torch to see my way through. You are loved.

Soror Sage: I credit you with some of my stronger emotional growth, and to be quite honest had I not put aside some strategies you taught me during our time together, I might not have been put in the same ridiculous spaces I found myself in during 2009. Part of me regrets we don't talk as much, but the other part remembers your words that a physical presence, while nice, doesn't come close to comparing to person's mental and spiritual essence. No matter what, I have the lessons you gave me in regards to the road less traveled, missing people, being emotionally honest and other situations dealing with the mind heart and spirit. As as long as I have that, then you are there. You are loved.

Soror Joy: Somehow, some way you always know when to hit me up, with an IM or an email. I can go a whole three months without talking to you yet your insight in just as valuable. I enjoy our growth and our similar journeys. You are truly a sister and friend. You are loved

Soror Mariam: I remember during the first days of the L.S.C. you were so kind and understanding. There were times where your kind words and silly jokes "I'm block you" just lightened my mood. I am happy you found love and marriage and it inspires me. Looking at your family at the Kwanzaa celebration made me grin on the inside and tease yall on the out. Yeah, yall really do give me hope that our generation hasn't forgotten about Black Love. You are loved.

Soror AJ: You are one of the Zeta's my mother adores, she will never forget the kind act you and your chapter did for our family that cold December day in 2006. As for me you are my sister and friend. I appreciate you more than you know, you always bring a different take and generally as a first responder you keep things to a wonderful minimum. I promise that 2010 I will be around and we will hang more. You and Ben inspire me, like Soror Mariam and her husband that one day you'll be laughing at me at my wedding and begging me to put Talae out.
You are loved Soror.

Soror Sleepy: One of the few people who knew me before Blue and White, and I suspect one of the few people who will truly know me long after Blue and White. You are an amazing friend, Soror, critic and otherwise good gal. I am happy to have known you all these years. Your place in the pantheon of my friends is secure and I want to thank you constantly checking up on me this summer. You are loved.

Soror Amber: A snarky Soror whose bite I've come to love and enjoy, somehow you are one of the few Sorors who can get me to turn it down a bit with the Facebook status messages. Yet in those snappy one liners I discern a lot and I thank you. Since 04, you've been a staple in my favorite Soror space and I don't see you going no where any time soon. You are loved, in a non piss your husband off kinda way. Obi Wan is powerful.

Soror Leslie: My pledge mom, big sister and the first Zeta to show me what this bond was about. I am glad we are slowly reconnecting but I gotta admit I need to speed this process along. I am hella slacking ya dig? We got some good history and I got so much to catch you up on. I remember the wars fought to keep our friendship alive, our respective mates hell bent on stomping us out; No matter how much they tried we only grew closer. 2010 gotta be the year we take it back old school, find a new "John's Garage" and enjoy life again. You are loved and adored.

Soror "Her": I would be emotionally dishonest if I didn't include you in this year's blog. Indeed our time together was the best of times and the worst of times. I've been through a lot, seen a lot and the shit that happened in our space was unquestionably the roughest. Even with that ugly truth, I can't deny your impact on my life since the wonderful founders day sip; I can't deny the (at one time) beautiful friendship, and while "this wasn't supposed to be like this at all", I do accept what will be will be. I thank you for all that you contributed to my presence and I in the words of Destiny's Child, am "wishing are blessed, wishing you are blessed, no stress and lots of happiness." And you know what? You are loved too. Godspeed in 2010.

Soror LRJ: Every we time we talk I laugh a bit because you are the last person I thought I would confide in in life. I giggle when I think of the immense mutual dislike; now I smile because we share an emotional bond which can not be matched. I know that you have trials right now, and honesty it can be rough. But know like I made it through, you will make it through. Anybody or anything that doesn't see your worth, fuck em. I want you to know my co-MVP that I am here at this emotional space of balance and comfort because you never gave up, grew frustrated or quit. You remained my Soror and friend and I will forever be thankful for that. You Soror are loved and adored.

Soror Jones: Twice now you have been my MVP and both times I am glad to call you such. If Soror LRJ helped me get to an emotional space, I owe my current career and spiritual space to you. God only knows that I would still be working in the salt mines had you not stepped up and gave me a hand. Our friendship has gone through a lot, has evolved and has grown. I am pleased to call you my Soror, colleague, friend and confidant. I can't wait for the day you lil ones can play with little Charles and we laugh about all of the things we been through. You like your co-MVP are so loved and adored and have my loyalty for life. Thank you for all that you do. You are loved.

Ladies of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. please on this 90th founders day enjoy it and go out and do what yall do best. Change with world.

With warm regards and love

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

1-16-2010

12:01am

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

Of Mice and Men: The Seeds of Hope and the Journey of 2009

"Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
~Elliot Ness

2009-A year I will long remember.

I had planned on proposing on New Year's Eve. I was going to do it right before the BFL toast (or whatever toast we would be having). I had every intention of starting 2010 with her as my fiance and my family life finally together.

I had begun saving for a ring. I was thinking of wedding concepts so when it came time for her to plan the wedding I wouldn't be the typical male bump on the log.

Of course as you are undoubtedly aware, those dreams were smashed to pieces in perfect storm of depression, stubbornness, mis-communication, and angst that was the LSC (and by extension the DOF), which has the dubious honor of being the darkest and most unjust time of my lfe.

Subsequently, during the months that followed and the accompanying emotions I had made the decision not to suffer any more setbacks or let downs. So depressed and heartbroken was I that it was not outside the sphere of reality for me to have made the ridiculous and equally selfish decision to commit the ultimate act of surrender. Thankfully most of despair passed and I scrapped those plans. I give credit to Jehovah for not leaving me when my faith seems to give out. That more than anything is the reason why I know I was able to scrap those plans.

Before I did understand the saying "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

Trust me I understand it now.

Even as I publish this retrospective of 2009, this piece you are reading is not what I planned. I had written something harsh, a tome to let the world know how badly I was hurt and let down by the various people whom I love(d) so dearly. It was a beautifully written lamentation of the dark year of my life. Yeah I was gonna make this blog cry as I so love to say.

However, I refuse to end 2009 like that. I will not end with the blogspot's version of Tupac's "Machiavelli" album; a well written, creatively sound, but extremely disturbed piece of work.

There is no question I lost in a major way this year. Anybody who can't discern that or questions that or even disagrees with this assessment needs their head checked. It is also a known fact I need to take time and rebuild. This is why recreating my historical memory is essential to my healing.

But at the same time I have learned so much, endured so much, survived so much and gained so much in 2009; despite my soul breaking losses I did eventually make it to one knee and I did begin my process of getting back on my feet. That in itself is a blessing. It also proves my assertion that when it matters I'm a solider. I will never surrender, quit or give in....even when I think I'm going to.

I realize even in the shadow of those losses there are rays of bright light that shine through. I FINALLY have the career I want. I have honed my skills as a writer. My new inner circle will now be full of people who share similar world views and aspirations, as well as my victories and struggles. MOST importantly I am blessed with loving, intelligent, wonderful, awe inspiring sons. Their existence continues to fill me with energy and provide me with the seeds of hope.

With those seeds of hope I know, if for no other reason that after this year I can only go up; I eagerly await the harvest of 2010. If my dream and castle burned, then out of those ashes will arise a man, stronger than anything ever seen, more focused and determined.

I will never again lose like I did this year. There is NO Greater weapon than a prepared mind. Believe you and me, I am preparing my mind.

Thank you for taking this journey with me blogspot and snarky mofo reading this.

Until all are one and restored.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-2-2009
9:10pm

A Better Tomorrow: Silent Knight

Sup Snarky Mofos Reading this!

Sorry I have been "Silent", but I haven't felt like writing much these days. I mean I've poured so much in the blog that was my voice when I was voiceless and my free therapy that now I don't have much to say, esp at a time when there is so much to say.

I guess I've reached an emotional impasse and a creative lull; no that's not true I just really am tired of writing about my relationship woes, heartbreak(ing), and other stuff. I mean I'm still growing and healing as much as I can from the past six months but I just don't want to write about it.

In essence I'm tired of discussing how fucked up the "LSC" and past "Duel" left me.

This isn't to say I am quiting, on the contrary. I will be back in earnest at the start of the new year.

Close your mouth. You read correctly. I am done until Jan 1 2010. Maybe then I will have something to say. So with the exception of the 2009 retrospective, the MVP blog and predictions for 2010 (all which are posted on the Dec 30-Jan 1st) no new material will be coming.

In effect this Knight is silent for now. I still have a lil more healing and growing to do.

I still need to shake off the lingering nightmares.

I still need to get my true smile back.

Until then...

In the interim, I am trying to decide which piece was my best piece of 2009. I mean I want to hear your thoughts. Which piece made you laugh, cuss, cry, wish, etc. Shot me an email and let me.

Again thank you all for your patience. I haven't forgotten my supporters nor fans....or even critics.

See ya on 12-30.

Straight, No Chaster
TLT
10:28am
11-9-2009

The Duel of Fates: A Better Tomorrow

Author's Note: This blog is dedicated all of those who over the past week helped me believe in a Better Tomorrow, specifically four people who have in one way or another helped shape my current mind set: My Son Centrell, Brother Andre Russell, Soror L.R.Jones, and an old friend. ~TLT

"Give it a rest sir"~Author Unknown,
but a player for the opposite team

"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman

Yesterday marked the 150th day of my campaign to be heard, seen, and re-evaluated. Like my comic book idol Batman I had planned on leaving holding a solemn vigil to reflect brood on the past five months. Indeed, this situation is my Jason Todd, my Robin suit in the Batcave, forever emotionally changing me.

However, in the best laid plans of mice and men that was not to be....

I got a text message yesterday morning from my dear Brother Andre informing me that the woman that helped raise him, his grandmother, had made her transition. Brother Andre is one of my dearest friends, a council member, and we have gone the entire circle of ambivalence, enemies and ultimately allies. If I can use pop culture as a reference: He is Superman to my Batman. In a sense of life imitating art our friend has evolved as such. So naturally when I learned he lost his grandmother, it immediately put my "mourning" on hold. Dre faced this day with dignity and courage; while he is undoubtedly in pain he has kept his cool, something I haven't done often enough, and stood tall. We had drinks last night and he accepted his reality, no matter how shitty it makes him feel. In our conversation he reminded me that he and I had gone through so much more, that while we are hurting at all times we must remember that we are Black Studies, we are a part of a legacy and we are children of Armstead. That only requires we hold our head high, even in the face of utter defeat and swag. Pity and self loathing rarely are sexy qualities in a Prime Minister. I have done, I think, a little too much of pity and self loathing. I can only reflect so much before it turns into brooding and brooding is never good for the soul. Until all are one I'm going to drink with my friend, remember his grandmother who supported our work in Black Studies with a gentle smile and kind words, remember how he hugged me when my own father died and do what I do best, Stand by my friends.

At the same time in the same place:

My new friend, Soror Shulamite Woman (L.R.J) is leaving for a fresh start in MS. It's funny to type my new friend because this Soror used to loathe me; rather she hated my public persona of a rebel without a cause and pause I use to hide behind during the Nicole era. Somehow we began speaking on FB, my status messages showing her that I was no longer a rambunctious ass, but a multifaceted brother. During the next two months, we have drawn close, sharing joys and pains; secrets and insight. In looking at my Soror celebrate her departure, I realized that our friendship was another chance at redemption; another chance to do it over and right, another chance to affirm my word is bond. I succeeded in doing all of those things and earned another night of sleep. I will forever love my Soror for this moment, a chance to go from Saul to Paul and to heal wounds. More importantly her leaving reminded me of a time past, when I got real scummy at a neighborhood party with some of the local "organization members" and just was off my square. One of the elders of the group, walked up to me put his arms on my shoulders and said "Lawyerman (my old hood nickname) this aint for you. You had enough and its time to go." He walked me through the gang way that lead to our houses and I went home. Last night I used same story to convey to her that I was proud she was stepping and out leaving all the hurt behind, and the nonsense and starting over. Touching her on the shoulders I echoed the same words and wished her godspeed and let her know what this friendship meant to me. In a moment of brilliance she looked at me and repeated me back "it's not for you T." I understood. Later in the evening she sent me a text reminding of my worth and quality. It's heartwarming when people truly see you for who you are and not what they want you to be.

It's funny that while we were celebrating, a friend of hers, one who wishes to be her king became upset at the fact she's leaving and he never got his chance. Instead of forgoing those emotions to celebrate with the woman he loves and enjoy that moment he sat outside and in the corner, he sulked, he brooded, he pouted and outside of the moments of compassion and concern when she went and checked on him, she was not going to allow that to stop her night. She was sadden by the fact he was hurt, but she had to move on.

I thought about me and (the) Queen (my Black Butterfly) and wondered if that is how she sees me...a brooding giant who can't/couldn't stop long enough to enjoy the moment. I wondered if that was how the village saw me, an annoying whiner who just couldn't accept reality. Either way I didn't want to be like that and seeing how it looks from a difference perspective made me understand that like all those years ago I have had enough, this may not be for me and it is time to go home.

I will miss my friend's physical presence, but thanks to Facebook and Blackberry we will never be apart. I pray MS is good to her; Jehovah knows she earned it. More importantly I will NEVER forget how she gave me hope and redemption when I didn't quite have either. She proved to me that when given a chance at redemption I could and would indeed show my worth.

Bye my dear Soror. You are loved and will be missed.

Earlier that day...

My oldest heir came to me with a couple of problems. He was having the good old 7th grade relationship complications; you know the kind of relationships where they like you at 8am but by lunch time thanks to friends and grade school politics they no longer like you. He confided in me that his feelings were hurt and that he didn't know what he did wrong. In short he told me all he did was like the girl and be nice and now he was having the worst two days of his life. He asked me what should he do. I offered a number of suggestions for him and to him, but the irony was that after listening my advice he asked did any of this work on (the)Queen. Taken aback, I realized that I had not been a good role model for him in the area of love. I have spent so much time lamenting my issues I have not properly begun his training on Black love and its its complicated forms. Seeing him hurt and not having any definite answers he felt he could trust made me realize that I needed to increase his training and move him towards manhood before he gets to deep into the madness that is teenage relationships.

The second problem he encountered was one of betrayal. We learned his new "friend" and locker partner stole his phone and then later came back and stole his replacement sim card. Again he came to me with answers on why friends hurt each other, why friends can't stay/be nice and how should he get over it. Again I realized I have not imparted wisdom on him, more importantly what answers have I discerned while all of the meditations brooding I have done. I have a son about to enter his teenage years in the City of Chicago and as hurt as I am; as tired as I am I can no longer afford to not pay attention to (or pay more attention) to his training as the trials he will face. My sons deserve no less than my full attention.

Indeed all the pieces matter....

I spoke with my therapist on Wed, who understands my inability "get over it", in fact she gave me the Maze song to help verbalize some of my emotions. As I lamented and talked about the (un)fairness of this situation, she asked me a simple question: "Terrance did you and have you done everything possible to make this situation work. Answer that honestly then the rest will come you." So over the next two days I scoured my old emails, cards, and letters over and over and each time I removed more and more emotion. I realized I made some mistakes. I fucked somethings up, but at the same time none of them were "crimes of intention". They were as I have always said out of ignance than malice. Still in spite of those snafus I gave it all my love with every fiber of my being. I still love it with every fiber of my being. I had nothing to work out and I was ready from day one to build the kingdom. Even as the Black hounds of depression slowly caught up and ultimately over taken me I reminded dedicated to the kingdom and nothing not even the rebellious generals, potential "responsibilities" or unsupportive friends and family altered that truth or made me waiver from that. In short I would have died for that kingdom but ultimately lived for the kingdom that was to be built. This isn't to say that other parties wasn't equally invested; I shant speak for or try to speak for them as tempting as it may be. I believe in my heart they were and evidence supports this. My issue these past 5 months, esp the last month or so was the refusal to see the paradigm with new information; in spite of all that was reveled my honor code and my character was challenged and my integrity was still called in question. Once I asked a former lover with whom I had difficulty (or it was asked of me) "If an imperfect dynamic can make one feel perfect or great what happens if both parties perfect that dynamic?" That was my central question now and IT remains my question now . If I made you feel that good (better than the best) and I wasn't even 60%, what would happen now at say 85%? It's a valid question. It deserves(d) a valid answer.

Yet it needs two people to explore and the hard truth is I have been told that the other party isn't interested in reviewing or answering that question. When compared to the revelations I've seen in the past day I am forced to agree with my snarky mofo comment. It is time to seriously give it a rest. My war to be heard has had a negative effect, it has been seen as character flaw, it has been seen as everything but what it's supposed to be and it honestly the only person who is caring on this level is me. I say this not out of arrogance or snark; it's just a simple truth I am helluva lot more intense than most people. Thus it stands to reason this would effect me in greater detail. But at the same time I can't really apologize for my war or my pain. I can't apologize for my feelings esp when all I heard constantly is the notions of "my, me, mine." Thus in real time and talk fuck whoever cant and wouldn't understand this. I know when I stand before Jehovah and he asks me about the LSC and the Duel I will be able to say to him that I succeed in some areas, faltered in others but I gave it 100 plus 10.

When placed in context of the lessons of standing tall, knowing when it's no longer for you, and the reallocation of resources to a more important objective, I think that it really is time to move forward. I'm not predicting over night, but I am saying it's time. No need to retreat to mountains or hide. No need to be bitter. No need to keep knocking at doors that slam in my face. She is loved..(present tense "ed" not past tense "ed") and if she ever wanted to come back I would do it in a heartbeat, (shame and pride and all that other Post Mod b.s. be damned) but the fact of the matter is this quest has the potential to spin out of control and even though I've mostly blogged and self lamented it still has had far reaching effects. A supporter of writing suggested that I no longer count the days of my lost, but instead count the days of aspiring for "A Better Tomorrow". I think that's the goal esp when I have sons that need me at my best.

One moment and day at a time that will be my goal.

A Breaking Point

Late last night I sat down with an old friend to have a drink or two; it was my way of giving that person a final goodbye that I believe I deserved and was denied during the LSC: a quiet one on one relaxed discussion over drinks; a goodbye date if you will. There were no delusions or false expectations that person would be allowed back into my life. We were not going to discuss us and I might have even given her some had she acted right. It was my intent to give that person one normal night the last night to end on a positive note as a counterbalance to all the negativity we had given each other.

As we sat in the car during that moment of silence that comes with these situations I did the drunk people nod, I closed my eyes for a moment. I slumped in my seat as I had done hundreds of times before hoping to catch a quick catnap to sleep some of the copious amounts of vodka off and to give her a chance to collect her thoughts. Suddenly my old friend who was sitting behind me (she had stated earlier she didn't want to sit next to me and I thought nothing of it) grabbed me in a martial arts choke hold, one I taught her and one that is quite lethal. Normally I could have escaped but my condition and my seating position gave her the higher ground, the weight advantage and basically she had me.

She had me dead to rights.

As air left my body, my thoughts went to my sons, my family, (the)Queen. I said a quick prayer to Jehovah to protect my loved ones and to have mercy on her. I accepted the finality of the situation. She slightly let her grip go, enough for me to speak, barely, but not enough for me to get free and damn sure still lethal, albeit slowly. She then whispered to me "I hate you. Why? After all did you chose her. Will you die for her now?"

I didn't respond. She tightens the hold.

"Answer me Prime Minister !"

"Because of shit like this." I barely can get the words out.

She leans back and I feel my larynx crushing...slowly...and painfully..

I manage to speak into the universe "I love you sons. I am sorry" This angers her.

"You wanna die?" asks as she begins to lean back.

"NO" I whisper. I now realize her grip is again loosened some more. Now its just cracking my neck as opposed to chocking me out right quickly. However, I am getting dizzy and I am losing consciousness.

"You wanted to die for her, you won't die for me"

"No. Tell my boys I'm sorry". She now puts her full weight and strength into the hold.

"This isn't about them you self righteous bastard. This is about us. Look at what you've done to me"

The pain begins to be too much. I utter what I believe will be my last words. "This hurts. Do it or don't."

There is a pause and I believe she gets ready to do it when she lets me go.

Crying hysterically, she asks "Do you hate me?"

By now I've managed to crawl out the car, neck hurt and bruised thankful for the air.

"No. Now leave...." I gasp.

Tearful she stands over me and says "Train them not to be like you." She then disappears into the night.

I decide not to press charges, a decision most will not understand. I created that monster and I realized that I moved her into further insanity with my decisions. The truth is very second I brought her back I set myself up for this moment and I only survived it through Jehovah and a pang of consciousness.

Last Night the General had me. One more snap and this blog becomes way more popular than it is. My sons don't have a dad and her children don't have a mom.

I can not and will not vilify a hurt woman, when I know I've played a part either intentional or unintentional. I understand her mental state and should have taken certain precautions and let her go. I hope today she is seeking professional help, I hope she prayed hard. I hope she has, for her children's sake realized that there is nothing here any more and I truly hope for her she has a Better Tomorrow. As for me I've learned my lesson and it affirmed my decision was right and proper. More than I, she needs to heal and strive for that better tomorrow.

A Better Tomorrow. That's one helluva goal for me to strive for. After the last two days/nights I realize that any other goal is crazy and will undoubtedly bring me to ruin.

I can't have that. I'm better than that and its time I once again find a way to show it...one moment and day at a time

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-5-2009
1:05pm

150

Maze (with the help of Joe) can express what this day means much better than I can....

without further adieu, yet another simple TRUTH.....

I Can't Get Over You

I know I bought it on myself
I owe no blame to no one else
And now I realize
I can't get over you
And though I do my very best
I just can't find happiness
And it's all because
I can't get over you

Hey baby why oh why
Thinking of you makes me cry
Matter how I try
I'm gonna love you by and by
By and by baby

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I don't know what to do I
Can't get over you

I guess you'll always have a part
Somewhere deep in my heart
It's just to hard to hide
I can't get over you
I tried to lose myself in song
But the ties are much to strong
What I'm I going to do
I can't get over you

It makes feel so bad
Messin up the love we had
There's one thing I know
I will always love you so
Love you so baby Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you

Thanks Maze...I owe you one...
(I would have used you Jackie, but I figured Maze and Joe was a lil better)

The struggle continues, in spirit, when physical is not appropriate,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-4-2009
12:30am

The Duel of Fates: Dispatches From The Frontlines or Just Another Weekend Update

Morning Snarky Mofos Reading this!

I wasn't going to do a weekend update, partly because I have two unfinished pieces sitting in my drafts that I could be working on, but also I think it is uber depressing to get a dispatch from the front lines of a beleaguered, defeated army. I mean seriously you ever see those old films of generals surrendering, leaders yielding and other sorts of giving up? It makes you wanna cry. I mean look at this here. Or this here. No better yet how about this one. That is how my house looks and feels this morning. And for the historically deficient, I just compared this shit to the end of the Civil War, the Japanese surrendering on the Missouri, and the fall of Saigon. But in spite of these feelings that doesn't remove my responsibility for a weekend update.

On my current career situation:
I have interviewed with a couple of social service agencies, looking for alternative certification route and as a final option will find a MA program in either Public Administration or Political Science. As I stated back in April I aced my Basic Skills tests to that gives me a ton of negotiating room.

I would love to stay with the organization I'm with but since my current contract ends on Sept 30th, and I haven't heard anything about my status in any form I must only conclude that I am not up for renewal and have to take my skills and brilliance else were. Again, this search and mission is made easier by the fact that I am not returning to retail nor any bullshit gigs. Unlike my personal life my professional one is pretty much cut and dry.

The Wei Yan Situation
It's funny how this topic has moved to the front of the conversation since the piece "On Thy Honor"; esp when you consider that the MAIN THEME of that topic wasn't the termination of generals but rather a testimony/testament/character reference by those who knew me best and to provide a counter point to an assessment of my persona was I know was flawed by someone I so love and revere, even outside the context of an "US".

Yet a lot of people took that post as a justification of my friendship, or lack thereof with the Ret. General. One of the aforementioned drafts deals with why I ended our friendship this time around and I'm still debating on hitting the "Publish Post" button; I know the creature and I know she reads and it will only get ugly(er). But keeping true to myself I might have to file this one under the "they'll get over it tab." I think it's a story that needs to be told and a situation that requires some light. So yeah, look for that complete post in the next week and a half or so. I will say this right here and now: Yes, she helped me at a very critical moment. I appreciate that and I'm sure my love(d) ones do as well. It was that reason why I wiped her original sins clean. Let me add that I no longer see her as a villain, nor will I vilify her. There was an small element of political expediency present in my decision. I know for a fact she would have never submitted to the throne and I was also aware that had she come back (the)Queen wouldn't had tolerated her presence one bit. With that said in order to get (the) Queen back to the table, I removed the one thing I believe(d) irked her outside of my blog and drunken rambling emails. But do not be mislead: Even if you remove (the)Queen factor, Ret. Gen got her own self removed; like McCarthy during Korea she just wouldn't listen and was hell bent on me healing her way. In essence she helped then turned around and worked against the healing program because I would not in her words "forget about her". That created conflict, that brought the toxic nature back and finally a decision had to be made in the best interests of both our sanity, our family and the larger picture. Like I said it's more complex than "she vs. her" or some high school paradigm.

Shutting my blog down
Com.e.dy. Stop emailing, stop implying, stop asking. It ain't happening. I am not doing it. No way. If I didnt consider it when the Queen Mother suggested it, what change DO you have. I shouldn't have shut down the first myspace blog, but I did so trying to maintain a peace, heal a friendship and in the process lost some classic material as well as an introspective into my life at a certain point and time. I concede at times I am careless on this thing, other times I really don't think my words have that much impact. But if what I am told is true and now my blog is being debated in class that means I got a lot more folks reading than my "subscriber" tab would indicate and I need to be a tadbit careful...but not much.

The important thing to remember about my blog, even when I was writing political (which by the way I'll be doing again shortly) is it is about my life from my P.O.V. It is not a gospel, it is not meant to be a definitive statement of events but rather how I see, thought, think, feel and react to the situations in my life....Straight No Chaser. If I'm not allowed that right then damn....

The Breaking of the Dark Knight
I wrote a couple of days ago how I finally think, as painful as it is to do, gotta give up my campaign. It sucks, it's not fair, its painful, emotional, bitter, sad, not fair and whole bunch of other words that make my chest hurt but the fact of the matter is that a) I am moving towards a (re) burnout and b) My struggle is not being viewed in a proper context I believe and I am running the risk of forever losing, tarnishing (more) my legacy and at the worst being hated or disliked. Since none of those were agenda items or goals I was trying to obtain this means that I, gotta stop. I'm have to take a page out Ekklektia/Ishamariablanca's book and step back, yield and accept this is Jehovah's will even if it hurts. If there is someone on the her throne, I need to bow before it. I have seen and participated in the banning of generals who don't get with the program. Prime Ministers are not above banning either (Thanks to Soror/Sage for that ugly moment).

*sigh*

Let's remove all the hyperbole and just get blunt: True love isn't about being a bull in a china shop. If (the) Queen or anybody else *points at all you mofos* don't know my heart, thoughts and feelings then honestly...I have no words. I cant force way back and I cant debate my way back. I fought the good fight and now...it's time to...do...something. I admit I don't know. I do know though Mirrors are real and I honestly don't wanna be banned. With that said, I'm sorry if my actions or my words, or my blogs have been hurtful, or crude; as I stated above that was not my intent. I am neither phony nor fake, crazy nor bitter. I am a simple man who just simply wanted to go home.

And there will still be plenty for me to do and write about....

Aight I'm going back to play Batman...
oh wait speaking of Batman

On Batman Arkham Asylum:
This is the greatest game ever made in the history of Batman games. I swear Jehovah was in the room with the developers as they made this piece of art. I mean damn. So far I'm 66% complete, I've survived Bane's nonsense, Scarecrow's fear toxic, and Killer Croc's sewers; I wont even speak on the Joker's henchmen and the Riddler's challenges.

They even set up a website based off of a site they mention in the background: www.Arkhamcare.com/prices

If I died today I would die a happy man.

Not with THAT said

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:45am
8-30-2009

A Quick Interlude.....and thanks

"That blog of yours is going to get you killed"~A Close Friend

I wasn't going to post today because I just got Batman:Arkham Asylum for the Xbox360 (a game which just might be game of the year) and as a LIFELONG Batman fan I have waited my whole life for a game on the Dark Knight Detective that didn't suck ass. I mean Lego Batman was hot, but c'mon it was Lego. Batman Begins was good too, but a tad bit repetitive. It damn sure aint the asscrap that was Batman: Dark Tomorrow or Batman and Robin. This joint was crafted with the help of Jehovah himself and made to make men like me stay in the house and give up drinking. I mean look at this shit right here fam...



Or this shit right here...man this is a damn turn on...



Hm-mm I think I'm going to write a review on the game and the philosophy of Batman. That might be my next piece.

But I aint writing this morning to tell you how this game has made me just as happy as BH2. I mean did my first midnight release party thingy and stayed up till fucking 5:00am kicking arse and I still aint make it to the Batcave. Gawd.....that game rules.

OK let me get back on task and why I am writing..

I wanted to say "Thank you" to all my snarky mofo readers, fans, heathens, and folks who wish this blog would just die.

It's funny how the path of life takes you; despite the challenges and regrets I have truly enjoyed the ride. It seems that just when I think I've seen it all I learn something new.

So..to learn that my lil blog is used in a classroom and dissected by shrinks and shit is kinda sexy, even if the critiques are at times not. Still though it moves me that much closer to writing my book, making my money and then retiring to my mountain.

I had no idea when I hit "publish post" on the "On Thy Honor" blog that I would open up such an academic dialog. I appreciate the support. I appreciate the votes of confidence. I even appreciate the disses, as it makes me think harder and stronger. Straight, No Chaser is my baby; a written testament to where I am in life. I regret I didn't do this during the "Longest Night", I hate that I destroyed the documentation of the "Second Renaissance"and I am still pissy that my pen drive died and with it all of the blogs from "A Death in the Family". Those where periods that defined me, helped mold me and brought me to this point. I made a promise that good, bad or ugly I would document the Love Supreme (Crisis) as a testament and I guide of how a simple, but highly intelligent brother has navigated the trials of life, love, friendship, failures, victories and visions. This blog has been as I said before, is a written testament of my never ending struggle to find mental (which entails spiritual and emotional) perfection or at the very least close to it. I have beaten so many enemies, really I have no more battles left at this stage. The only one left is the Duel of Fates; freedom or slavery, life or death.

But anywho I love the banter I have, I didn't know I had so many readers, many who refuse to leave comments but hit me privately some offering praise others reading me the riot act and of course my favorites are my ex gf's or bootycalls or whatever cussing.

I am going on too long so let me hurry up. Yesterday took my love of this blog to another level and although my snarky intellectual equals refuse to identify themselves, they have shown a level of brilliance that I wasn't expecting from (im)poster's. It also made me smile. Again having your shit dissected in any form of academia is one helluva confidence booster and damn sho feels good.

The best decision I made this year was not shutting my blog down.

Real quickly a few housekeeping points from the last piece as I think it's easier to post here than in the comment section:

First let me say I appreciate this academic dialog. I really do. However, I want to stress a few points to bring the topic back full circle:

• First, the purpose of the piece "On Thy Honor" is not to discuss Wei Yan or where she stands; that was included in the interest of fairness, meaning that while my peeps said I by no means was a fake, fake(r), phony or anything else, I have made some mistakes and all cited that as reason number 1. I don't want to lose focus of that. There are other measures of my integrity and sanity and I think its important to expand it beyond the context of Generals vs Queens.
• Since Wei Yan has been made the topic, I will say this: She knows what happened and why she was deactivated. It was her actions first and foremost, followed by the other two factors that helped support my decision. At this point and time, while I appreciate the intellectual banter, praise, critiques, and psych evaluations the decision regarding the Ret.Gen is final at this point and time; yet as the great soror/sage once said "I reserve the right to change my mind." Yes, she did a find deed. Yes I have zeroed out her account, but let me stress again anything else I do, considering our very (potentially) toxic dynamic is morally praiseworthy but NOT morally obligatory.
• I believe the true measure of wisdom is knowing when to take it, esp during times of crisis. In that sense BFL09 has known me for decades and I believe they are an excellent gauge of how I would react all things equal and will remind me of that. The same applies to my family, esp my mother and brother Zhang Fei. As much as it is great to take your own counsel sometimes you gotta get over yourself and head the words of the villagers.
• I will address this once more and for all times: I am renewing my fight, however with boundaries this time, to fix my relationship/friendship with (the)Queen because I believe in my heart I am right. I believe my assessment of the situation is right on and I would forever have questions if I didn't try one mo' gin, win lose or draw. And just like the topic of Wei Yan while I welcome it in terms of academic, intellectual and mental dialogue its a safe bet to assume I'm go one more again. I am not going to run from this or hide or pretend it aint real. I have been nor will I ever be a coward and not to attempt ONE more run would in my eyes make me an emotional coward.
  
• ....But even in that renewed struggle, I have a line of demarcation I will stick to.
  

Aight I need to get back to "work" so I can leave early and get back to my Batman game.

I just felt compelled to say unto you all...

Thank you so fucking much

Straight, No Chaser
8-25-2009
11:00am

*Author's Note: I had to clean this up because in my rush to get back to my game, I had many incomplete thoughts. I apologize for the ex post edit job.
~TLT