Castles Made of Sand...

"So Castles Made of Sand, Fall into the Sea Eventually"
~Jimi Hendrix

If there was an apt description of what the past calendar year would look like, 2013 could best be described as a heavy wave washing away every single thing I built on my little beach called life. With the exception of my children (and even that was washed away as it related to Youngest Heir), and a few scattered allies, NOTHING remains. To give a more vivid picture if the sandcastle example isn't enough, my city (life) looks like Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped. However, I think the image of the sandcastle is most appropriate if for no other reason there is a certain theological context that I will explore. 

But more on that in a minute.

So what did this tidal wave of destruction take in 2013? What exactly was washed into the sea? A number of things which were integral to my existence and happiness: My church home, my best friend, the one person I truly loved and desired, my job, my emotions, my natural home, and in some cases my faith. I'm sure in time these things can be replaced. There will be other jobs and a career from it, my faith is already slowly being restored due to my time in Seminary. Another Church home can be found, new allies made, and even as painful as it is to type, the love I lost (or gave away) can be replaced. I even will have a better place to live. So that's good. Yet that still doesn't explain the why. Why all that transpired happened. There are two simple reasons for this: one spiritual and one not so spiritual. Let's explore them both.

The first and most obvious reason was that on some level God either caused the storm or allowed it to happened. I believe the reason for this is that God needed to see what my infrastructure was made up of in a barren season. In order to achieve this, like so many men of faith before me, God had to make me Anonymous. You see according to Alicia Britt Chole, author of Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours, every so often God needs to see what our roots and branches look like. God needs to see how sturdy we are and thus the excess in our lives (think tree leaves: are stripped away. Once my coverings and trappings were gone, would I survive this test or would I crumble. At the core lie two simple questions that would yield two simple answers: 1) On what ground did I build my faith and 2) Where did I store my treasures?  To the first, the honest answer are that I built my home/faith on sand. I did not obey God in a lot of areas in spite of being sent messengers, signs, and instructions. The response to the second question is even more direct: my treasures stored were no where near heaven. They were in that unstable beach house I put on the sand. In effect, I had become lazy. My infrastructure weak and bloated; like a corrupt city entity I had become self serving and began to take Christ for granted. Thus in essence while I was sprouting leaves I bore no fruit. As the scripture points out, I needed to be put in a whole lot of manure in order to grow. There was no better way to cover me in the mess I needed than to remove the sand castles I was hiding in. But I knew better. On these matters Jesus is clear where to build your home and where to store your treasures. So snarky one reading this, since there are NO social promotions in the Kingdom of God, since there are no sliding or curves I get to rebuild. This time one proper ground and storing my treasures where they belong. 

The second reason is more natural but no less true. Nothing was really taken from me. By not following the instructions in the manual I willingly gave it away. I was not supposed to return to my church. I was supposed to move on. I was supposed to do my best in Arkansas, I got lazy. I was supposed to be more mindful of the needs of my allies and our joint boundaries and I wasn't. I should have never let her go. But I did. I should have told EVERYBODY to fudge off and begged her forgiveness but I didn't. I chose people and a space that is now long gone. Mine was one of hubris. Mine was thinking I knew best. It was the never ending fatal flaw that has brought me to ruin before: arrogance. Nothing was really taken. I gave it all away by not following the rules. This is the truth I take to bed every night.


But what do I do with these realizations? While it is true, I survived, but as one who survived the fire (or in this case a typhoon). But survival isn't necessarily what all this is about. This is about a mature Christian using bad materials, on bad ground, which happened to store his treasures that got washed into the sea.  So the first realization that I need to rebuild, following the instructions laid out. I don't know what's best all the time, if ever really and by not following the plan I'm going to continually get my ish washed into the sea. Yet an underlying theme to in this is something I never really allowed myself to do: grieve. Part of the reason I came out of blog retirement is to write these pure lamentations so I can later write songs of jubilee. It is time that I deal with all the pain in my life; it's especially time I dealt with all the residual scars, the crushed dreams, the guilt and the utter sadness. That's what I am putting on my cross this Good Friday. This is what I am burying in that tomb so that on Sunday I can rise a different man. But I understand the process of the crucifixion. This hurts. It means part of me will have to die so the rest of me can rise. We all have to go through it in some form or another...

For me this process involved learning one simple truth:

"Castles made of sand...slip into the sea....eventually"

Giving Honor to My Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4/18/2014
8:56pm

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from

going around that mountain so many times" ~CO

I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:

• Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
• It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
• Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
• the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership

Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

Resurrection Sunday

"Happy Anniversary" ~T.G.S.

HAPPY RESURRECTION SUNDAY AND WELCOME BACK!

Let's get into it.

On this day, one year ago, I died. No it wasn't a physical death although I came close on numerous occasions. Instead I died in the worst way possible. I lost the essential three; it was a spiritual, mental, and emotional death.

With the lost of the essential three I entered THE darkest moment of my life, one that would go on until mid January. I was lost. I had no faith. I had little hope and the love I was receiving wasn't enough to sustain me. Truly it was a soul breaking moment.

I won't recount all of it here. This blog chronicled those events from the day of until the final moments. If you feel so inclined you can go back to read it.

I also will not explore what went wrong. That also was done ad nausea. Indeed I brought some of it on myself, in other spaces I wasn't treated fairly or given a fair chance, and other times it just was piss poor communication. Regardless of what happened all parties will have to stand before the Creator of worlds and give an account. Either way the time for reflection over the "cause" has past. Instead I would rather take the positive lessons, the moments when I was "better than the best" and transform them into a blueprint for how to be a true God filled, God fearing, husband, father, brother and leader.

I won't even discuss the friends lost, enemies made, and reputations tarnished. In this regard I will simply say I do not expect my friends to remain my friends, nor my enemies to remain my enemies, but I do expect me to, hence forth, prepared either way. As far as my "honor" and "reputation" I can only say that I have made peace with my God, I have been given his grace and forgiveness. I will show that his mercy is justified by changing my works and doing better. I have nothing to prove to anybody. The one person I needed to apologize to, outside of my sons, has been apologized too and if given a chance atonement and restitution will be made. Other than that everybody else will be alright.

What I will discuss is how this indeed is a "Happy Anniversary". I confess when the idea was tossed at me earlier today in a text message I was taken aback. I mean at that moment I thought it was pretty rude and morbid to think of a day so full of sadness and pain, a day that lead to so much darkness be considered happy. Really did folks think so little of me and what WE went through that they thought it was a cause for celebration? I was really appalled.

Then I prayed on the matter, asking for discernment and guidance. I checked my emotions. I held my tongue and I was slow to speak. As promised, Holy Spirit comforted and reveled the answer to me, although in the most unusual way.

This day, so personal to me, is no different than Resurrection Sunday. In fact there are several similarities, several lessons that can and SHOULD discerned from the ransom sacrifice and rising from the dead. I just needed to step back and listen.

Consider: Today marks the resurrection of OUR Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is about so much more than pain, suffering, and death. It is about Victory. It is about how Jesus defeated Satan, conquered death, and gave us a way to be in God's grace. While we acknowledge and see his death as an important component in the equation for our salvation we don't harp on his death, it is not the most important moment, the resurrection is. Jesus understood this. This is why, while on the cross, he asked God to forgive them " for they know not what they do." He didn't lament his death but instead awaited his resurrection, the fulfillment of prophesy and his time on the throne.

Likewise, while I am no Christ, today marks a spiritual, emotional, and mental (and in some ways a physical one) resurrection for me; I have arisen from my tomb of despair, discomfort, lack of faith and sorrow. I had to let, now and forever, that pain go. While there are lessons learned and meanings made in what happened, the greater story is what comes next. The story will be in what springs from the seeds of hope that were planted for by me and watered by God through my faith in him.

The LSC and DOF made me a better man. Nobody said my process to be a better man would be easy or smooth. To be concise life is struggle, evolution is struggle, and growth is struggle. While God does not bring evil or tempt with evil, he will use such moments as a teaching experience, to get us to draw close to him. I now believe I needed such a moment. This moment showed me my strengthens and weaknesses. It showed me what I could do and what I could handle. It showed me who my friends and enemies are.

Most importantly it re-affirmed my faith. I am back in God's mercy and grace and I am walking the proper path. Indeed, I am smiling and happy. I have risen from the darkest moment in my life, I have shaken the lingering effects of that time off and ready to use those lessons to be a better man.

When viewed through this lens this is a "Happy Anniversary", not for the love lost, for true love cant be lost, but rather for the dying and resurrection cycle all Christians must go through in order to be complete and healed. It is a "Happy Anniversary" because I understand, I get it and won't ever forget.

With these lessons, with the renewed sense of faith, hope and love, with the renewed connection to my Creator who is forever praised Amen, I can now truly press towards the mark of the high calling.

May you all be blessed on this Resurrection Sunday!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight No Chaser
TLT
4-4-2010
7:13pm

Fade to Black: The Book of TLT

"Thank you for keeping me resolute,
when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli

It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.

I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.

As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.



I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9:01pm
1-22-2010

Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
Begin Memory Sync:

In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

A Better Tomorrow: Until All Are One.

"Now in the game where only time will tell, survived the droughts I wish you well. Survive the droughts, I wish you well. How sick am I? I wish health. I wish you wheels. I wish you wealth. I wish you insight so you can see for yourself."~Jay Z

"All good things they say never last." ~Prince

Happy Holidays to all,

Take a walk with me...

When I sat down to write my first piece on Blackplanet discussing how becoming a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. made me feel, I had no idea almost eight years later I would have become a budding author who had the power of the pen just as I had the power of the tongue. When I wrote that rough piece, I didn't think that the concept of blogging would ever be something I did or got into(even though in fairness blogging wasn't a big thing back then). All I was trying to do was convey my feelings to the world; I wanted my non Greek friends to understand and appreciate the sincerity and dedication of me becoming a man of Sigma.

I noticed that I like writing and while I didn't do it often, I did it enough and every now and then I put out some gems, yet I was still no where near the man I would become. Those joints were rough.

When the period of my life dubbed "The Long Night" began I wrote to help me through that. I didn't put any of that stuff I wrote on the net, but instead inside a notebook I have to this day. I really didn't have discernment nor tack back then and honestly I was afraid of what others might think of me. My fear of shame kept me from posting what was on my heart and head. However, writing helped me through that chaotic times and served as a therapeutic outlet.

I got through that and time marched on. I moved into a new phase of my life. Thanks to Myspace and their blog function, I was able to begin to write about some of the complications of "The Second Renaissance" in early 2006. This was the moment in time where I finally decided to be more than The Emperor's student but rather forge my own way in life, love and my career. I blogged a lot during that time; in fact a lot of my fans on this site feel in love with my writing then. Regrettably, I took down those blogs to appease a friend who felt I shared to much of our business in my writings. This regret is compounded when I lost the disk drive the files were stored on. I resolved never to allow myself to be edited or censored like that again.

It was not until I watched my father die in late 2006 that my writing truly developed and evolved. I was able to channel the pain and frustration of "A Death in the Family" into some powerful pieces, sadly these were lost when I deleted the aforementioned Myspace account without saving them. Only one of the original entries from that series entitled "Sins of the Father" remain. Even with that, I credit my time on Myspace with teaching me how to channel my words and make the blog cry, when I could not or would not.

Throughout 2007 and 2008 I often wrote about my personal challenges as well as political observations. I talked about returning to Black Studies and for the first time in my life outlined what I wanted in a woman. I even wrote a couple of political pieces dealing with the meteoric rise of Barack Obama en route to the Presidency and the how the initial reluctance of the Black middle class irked me to no end. This piece made me, for a moment, an internet sensation. It also affirmed to me that I have a gift for deep scholarly thought as Mr. Allen (The Emperor) had so often spoke of. Conversely, if the Obama piece made me a sensation in the political realm the equally infamous "Relationship Hierarchy for Black Folks" gave me a name in the relationship boards and on spots like Black Planet. The success of these two pieces caused me to become a pseudo celebrity and but also showed me I was a well rounded brother.

Throughout 2008, I spoke of my challenges like Wei Yan's defection and helping my sons readjust. But in my opinion, it wasn't until October of 2008 when I finally connected with (the)Queen that I truly blossomed as a writer. Without going into details of this, as many of you have been on board during that journey, I finally understood life, love, writing as well as the power of life and death in pen. I don't want to be misleading or coy with words, I was already a damn good writer. This moment just provided me with the clarity and motivation to see how it called connected which made me rise in skills.

By now you're asking "where the hell are you going with this?"

I've gone over my writing "career" to let you know how much your support over the past seven years has meant to me. I thank you for allowing my to share my world with you, to heal, to laugh, to cry. In fact, you all had insight to what probably the world's longest love letter the "Love Supreme" and "Duel of Fates" series. I will admit that at times I used to this blog to speak to her, I am not sure she heard but I felt the pen would succeed were my words and times actions had not. You had through this blog, a window into my soul as I tried to regain a piece of Eden and the one component I feel/felt would make my dynasty complete. It made many people angry, it made many more cry; I am sure she has mixed feelings about my writing but it must be stated with no hyperbole that without this blog I would have not made it. I needed this outlet. I needed the banter and exchange of ideas this blog brought.

I also retraced my history prepare you for what comes next. In January 2010, after the Zeta Phi Beta annual tribute I will be retiring the blog. While I will not delete it out of respect for those who have supported me and would like to read some of the classics, I will not post anything new.

I think this is best as I continue to heal, reconnect and reconstruct my historical memory and try to grow. I need to go do some other things, maybe finally write my book, something. I don't think I can or should spend any more time writing about my heartache. Right now I just don't have anything new to talk about and I promised myself that if Straight, No Chaser ever lost its balance I needed to hang it up. If we really want to be honest and frank, this decision about 5 months late. I appreciate the gems I dropped, even the "morbid" ones, I am happy for the lessons learned and meanings made, truly. But I want Straight, No Chaser to regain that balance and until I regain it, if I ever regain it, then its time I walk away.

I laugh at this one dimensional style my blog has taken because I remember in one of our more intimate playful moments, (the)Queen remarked on my reduced writing (as she is/was a ardent supporter) and said "You can only write when you're sad or upset. I'm quit you to make sure you keep writing." and giggle. Little did we know that horrible moment would be fall us one month later and I haven't stopped writing since. But my shit's gotten redundant. As an intellectual and creative mind I cant have that.

I need to step back. I need that balance back.

But until that day, if that day ever comes, I am retired.

Please understand. I appreciate and thank you all.

Wishing you the best in 2010,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-5-2009
12:01am

A Better Tomorrow: Recreating Memory

"The Terrance I/we knew"~The Village.

A quick back drop:

As snarky mofo readers to this blog you've probably discerned that my favorite non historical cultural icon is without question "The Batman" (if the recent references to his ethos haven't been obvious clues). Seriously, if I were to start a mentoring program for young Black boys, there would be a section in there on the philosophy of Batman. No I haven't gone completely crazy and I am not making up something called "The philosophy of Batman" so stop laughing. It does exist. Check it out for yourself. So needless to say I'm influenced heavily by the icon of the Bat just as much as I am influenced by Dr. Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, David Ruffin or Zhuge Liang.

One of the things I love about the Tao of the Bat is that he is truly self reflective and takes his victories and defeats quite seriously. He is constantly reminding himself of who he is and how he came to be as well as deciding what he has to do to keep on that path. I think everybody should do this, and while you don't have to publicly blog like I do to sort out my issues, one does need that internal self check mechanism.

One of my favorite Batman moments of self check came after the "Knighfall" saga. During this arc, old Bats got back broke by Bane after the latter wore him down mentally then challenged him to a fight inside of Wayne Manor. It should be noted that this was significant because Bane was the first man to beat him in mental preparation and strategy and later in direct hand to hand combat. As Bruce watched his world spiral out of control, he had to take a step back to heal, refocus and remember how to be Batman; more importantly he needed to remember who he was and how he came to be. This lead into the "KnightsQuest" and "KnightsEnd" sagas, respectively, where Bruce went through extraordinary measures to become the Bat again. In effect he had to recreate and reconnect his memory. If you are interested in the stories I've posted links; I won't go into them all here but suffice to say he re-trained, re-dedicated, remembering how to be Batman and been kicking mucho ass since.

And he still takes the occasional break to reconnect and recreate.

Right about now you're probably asking what in the blue hell does this have to do with you BT39?

I'm getting to that.

Since that shitty morning on April 4th 2009 when all sense left my life, one of the main critiques I have heard from all circles was how I wasn't acting like my true self. If I had a dollar every time I heard that I'd buy blogspot.com, which should tell you the frequency in which I heard this comment. Hell during "The LSC" and "The Duel" people would say that daily and while at the time I wrote off their critiques as malarkey. But now as I ponder over the internal and external events of the past year, I really don't think they were too far off the mark.

While I am no phony and definitely not fake, I do believe I have been in survival mode for the longest time. If you are (un) familiar with the concept of survival mode, it really means you take only what you need to survive the immediate challenges/crisis and plan to/do what you can to endure a moment/while longer. In essence the constant challenges I faced from 2005 until now placed me in a position where I shed(ed) parts of who I am for parts that I felt where needed at the moment. I mean I stopped being a "warrior" to become a politician/negotiator because I believed there was no way I could combat all of my enemies that were showing up at the time. I wanted so desperately to break into my field I stopped being an organic scholar and became "an intellect". I got tired of being seen as cold, distant and evil; thus I opened up my emotions to basically the world.

Let me simplify this...in order to move quickly I had to shed pieces of a man. It's like trying to climb mountains with 100 pounds of equipment or as Erika Badu once sung "you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff". In essence I needed to catch several buses to survive the challenges I was facing and threw off traits of mine that would prolong or worsen the crisis. Of course these traits I put aside or picked up are not problematic in themselves, they did become problematic when they aren't done in balance or in moderation. Nobody should negotiate/navigate survival as much as I've done in the past 4 years, and while those skills underline a brilliant, beautiful mind, it also cost me parts of my heart, mind and soul. Snarky mofo reading this don't let anyone ever tell you that evolution doesn't come with a price. EVER.

Recently, after relapsing to a point of anger, I had to take a step back and finally decide it was time to truly heal...at least heal what I can with the tools I posses. However, when laying out a framework to heal I discerned that I had forgotten who I was and more importantly how I came to be. I have been in survival mode for so damn long the essence and core of who I am is lost; these pieces lost to pain, frustration, enemies, political machinations and ultimately failed relationships. Like my aforementioned icon, I need look back to go forward (which is called Sankofa for my African centered folk). Perhaps, once I've recreated and reconnected memory, I will get my smile and swagger back.

I do remember parts of my swagger, even if I don't remember how to connect with it. I was reminded of this as I sat down at the computer last night and got that familiar light headedness and buzz. I smiled because I knew what it was and I was eager to see where it would take me.

I saw the world without time. It took me to exactly one year prior, when I was helping a dear friend start over, when we were sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember the look in her eyes of excitement, love and nervousness and was happy to be part of that. I see myself sit on the couch to reach out to touch her and suddenly I'm back here...in this place...struggling to recreate memories.

What is so different then as opposed to now? In spite of a few bumps this time last year I was the mutha fucking Prime Minister, not phased by anything and ready for everything. In fact I said often that "there was no greater weapon than a prepared mind."

But One year later I am getting ready to retire. I'm told this is all apart of healing and for the first time in my life I'm being forced to deal with what I have in front of me. For the first time I am forced to walk alone, deal with my own pain and inexorably deal with the truth.

The truth is my smile and confidence are gone. Sure they've been tested before. Yes they've been pushed to their limits, they've been put on the DL list but never before have I said say they are gone. Right now there are gone.

Or maybe I've forgotten them, how to smile and why to smile. I've forgotten how to have swagger and why should I swag.

Thus I have my first major task of 2010 to reconnect and recreate memories. I need to take my own mental and spiritual sourjourn, outside of blogspot, outside of my familia, outside of allies, no girlfriend, woman, executive assistant, and truly remember the legend of TLT. There is no other choice and when I allow myself to truly accept this reality I can say with no ill feelings that this is the best route.

But enough of my self reflective ramblings. Right now I'm enjoy these left overs. Today I am going to relax and smile. Today I'm remember one year ago and hopefully I will reconnect with that man who thought he was about to rule the world.

Enjoy your left overs people.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:30pm
11/27/2009