"There is NO conflict"~Darth Vader
I think the "star" was a lil pissed I had a positive and uplifting birthday because yesterday I received three text messages all managing to hurt/anger me (in the interest of honesty, one of those messages wasn't designed to intentionally do the above, however the gall of the message is what sung me. But the other two....).
Walk with me as I rant a bit snarky mofo reading this.
A Few Fun Facts about me that hopefully you've discerned..........
I hate it when my integrity is questioned. I hate it when I'm honest and doubted. I hate it when I provide answers and they are not accepted. I hate it when I ask a serious question and I am ignored or blown off as if I am not important or something to be dismissed.
As I came up with the concepts to write in this blog I remembered the above quote by Darth Vader, during his showdown with Luke and right before he finally chose to do what was right. Although out of context in a sense the way he said it affirmed that while he was hesitant, while he was not sure of his next immediate move there was no question of his long term objective, even if his methodology left something to be desired. Lord Vader wanted his son, the only family he knew of (at the time) by his side after losing his wife 23 years earlier and for him in that regard there was no conflict.
I was hesitant to use the above quote because there WAS conflict in him, as evident in his failure to win that duel, as evident in his decision to stand up to/betray his master to save his son.
*Pause*
Never say there is no such thing as the philosophy of Star Wars. I mean did I just discern a lesson on conflicts from that throne room duel? Damn I'm good.
*Play*
Such conflicts do occur in the real world; there ARE conflicts within us and to deny them is to deny ourselves. I mean why do we seek out God for protection from the devil if for no other reason than to help resolve/ deal with our conflicts/contradictions? I fully believe that one has to explore these contradictions in totality in order to draw closer to God; to press towards the mark of the higher calling and ultimately reach it.
I explore MY contradictions daily. I look at my friends and my enemies, I look at my hopes and dreams and I realize they represent in truth my sincerest desire for answers to my questions, to make sure that my transitions into a better man is accurate and wise. Never have I sought to deny them, down play them, hide from them or ignore them. It is a quest to reach as humanly possible mental (which consists of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) perfection, no different than the men and women who work out daily.
But at the same time Vader was correct... in theory. In somethings there is/are NO conflict(s); i.e. love of family, love of career, love of culture etc. You simply love these people/ things even when contradictions are present. You embrace them in totality and move on. To illustrate this point in the Black Community I love both the dude selling DVD's in the laundromat and I also love my President. This is a contradiction but also valid expressions of Black Life in 2009.
I know you're wondering where this all came from, esp after the birthday blog. Well I guess I am annoyed this am because I received THREE text messages, one which tried to shame me, one which questioned my honor and the other expressing disappointment in my life choices. In my personal opinion these messages collectively questioned my integrity; it questioned my struggle and struggles. I am further annoyed that in one case when I sought clarification I was meet with silence. I mean really how disrespectful is it to ignore a question. I was raised that one only does that when they deem the question or the person asking the question invalid. I am many things but invalid is not one of them.
Here's the way I see it: The past 128 days, 2 hours, 33 mins, and 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 .....secs (and counting) have been pure emotional hell for me; a hell that is just now letting up. I can count on three fingers the people who tired to understand and "acted" like they care. I put act in quotes because I am sure others cared, I am not that arrogant to believe otherwise, yet many responded like my personal pain would somehow alter their fragile and made up happiness. I have had to meet the sadness, questions, confusion, hurt, anger, bitterness, loneliness, horniness, alone each and every single night, even when I was in the hospital. I have cried alone, walked alone and written alone, and although you have read this journey (and I am grateful for that) I HAVE walked alone. Nobody from from my familia to (the) Queen to Wei Yan has understood truly what this moment in time has done to me. I won't even get started on new responsibly as she has been so wrapped up in her own agenda and showing me how she is now more righteous than everybody she wouldn't know my struggle if kicked her and him in the mouth. I highly doubt anybody has contemplated the magnitude of what it is like to go from being a King to peasant in a matter of days. Or how hard it is to crave a person and not be able to touch them or talk to them. Or dealing with the realization that all of this could have been resolved with a bottle, an honest conversation and a few apologies but just total jackassness stands in the way on all sides. Do you know what's it's like to struggle with forgiving someone who blow their virtue trying to teach you a lesson because of the history and good times you shared. Or what its like dealing with day in and day out conversations on friendship and trust that become like a broken Lenny Williams record? Or let's ask how does one deal with and move forward with the realization somebody has made a unilateral decision on my life; in their sickness and selfishness created a new responsibility I am struggle to place in my life. Or one step further how this person is now asshole number 1, always attempting to shame and manipulate to get what they will never have (at least from me) a ring...even going so far as to leave petty blog comments? No matter what is said or how it's cleaned up I have had to deal with ALL of this, and so much more, alone. I can endure a lot but the last thing I will endure or tolerate is an implication that I have not been above board in all of this. In certain areas and certain agendas there is/are no contradiction(s), there is/was no conflict and if one seemed present it is because I am doing what any smart institution/person would do after a crisis: self reflect and come up with a viable policy to prevent another said crisis. That means exploring, the good the bad and the ugly all the people, places and events that lead up to that moment.
So before anybody sits and judges me, which I have accepted is apart of human existence and really have no problem with, ask yourself have you walked with me. Have you shared my tears? Do you really read the words and healing I pour into this page? Do you really try to empathize with me or is just are you just concerned with your feelings, needs and wants (in the greatest tradition of post modernism) and how all of this effects you? I can say with no ego and no pride I have walked in other people's shoes and reflected, ad nausea, on how all of this is interconnected. Have you?
I told someone this morning in spite of my sadness, depression, challenges and other flaws the one thing I have never been is a coward. I have no problem engaging in the debate, fight or conversation if it will lead to healing and peace. I need nor do I want a easy button. I am a solider, a Prime Minister and a thinker. I hide nothing. Where there is a conflict/contradiction it is addressed. Where there is no contradiction, no conflict my words and my deeds will match. It's there in real life, in black and white, and in my prayers. If you cant see it then its really nothing more I can do.
Now that I got my morning rant off my chest let's get back to the festive August Fest Activities.
Talk to you later blog spot
ALWAYS
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-12-2009
10:22am
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