"See what I had heard"~Inner City Saying
Let's take a walk snarky mofo reading this.....come see the world without time with me.
Circa: 1996
Place: Fisk University Nashville TN
Location: Shane Hall.
We were going to go to a super bowl party thrown by my friend Devin's dad. My date to this lovely event was supposed to be my then girlfriend K.S.W. Well she wasn't exactly my girlfriend, we were in that kind of limbo only the immature and the young get into; where we were doing all the things of a couple, but not taking the label of a couple. Unknown to me she was exploring options while keeping me close, leading me to believe the things we were doing we going to help us work out whatever 19 year old love problems we had. Well the night of the Super Bowl party I go to pick her up and head out. But she wasn't there. She never called. She didn't leave a word. She just stood me up. With my 19 year old brain I opted to instead of keeping it moving, to sit around and wait. I almost missed the party had Devin, being the friend he was not came back to get me.
The next morning she calls me to tell me she went out and stayed with a friend, the second time she had stood me up in like a week or send me off to explore one of her options. Upset, I went over to her dorm room with the intent on giving her the best cussing out my young brain could muster. When I got there, we exchanged typical 19 year old nastiness. I lost the exchange. In a moment of stupid young lion bravado I snatched her car keys and left. I went to the library to read a couple of chapters of Romance of Three Kingdoms, went and bought a comic book from Kroger's and then I went to my dorm room to eat a sandwich. In all, I was gone about 30-45 mins. Suddenly, it was a knock at my door and crazy Mike, a fellow RA, was at my door. He got a call at the front desk from another RA over at Shane that the police we called and en route to me. So again with Leo pride I walked over to the Shane security office, told my side of the story and put my hands on my head ready to be arrested. An older officer clearly sickened by EVERYBODY's antics told me to "take my hands off my dumb ass head" He took the keys out of my pocket and handed them to K.S.W. He then turned to me and said "This is the stupidest reason to ruin your life. There will be better reasons. This ain't one of them (God knows he wasn't lying). He then pointed to K.S.W. and said "young brother this woman stood you up and made you look stupid. She isn't worth your tears. Why would you go to jail on a woman who don't respect you. Respect yourself and not do this over her." He then turned to K.S.W. and said "you need to be careful with these silly games. The next man might not just take your keys." She turned and left. I was held back a little bit until she pulled off and then let go. As I left the office the rumors as only a Black College like Fisk could create has circulated that I beat her and stole her car. In my young hubris I sucked up my notoriety and fame. I did not realize that it would create an urban legend which would come back to hunt me some 13 years later.
I have often reflected on that event, its stupidity of my youth and this one stands out for a number of reasons; my first girlfriend out of my house and my inability to handle a relationship in those close quarters. I mean I had girlfriends in high school, but I didn't see them 24/7 and I didn't have to keep seeing them once school let out esp. after we broke up. I learned I had a obscene fixation with justice. My action wasn't designed to "steal" her car. In fact it should be stated again that I walked around but never set foot in that car. I wanted her to understand inconvenience and selfishness. But most importantly this event earned me the label of "woman beater". Like I said earlier in my youth I thought the "rep" of being a real hard ass that stood up to the po-po's was cool and sexy; what I didn't know was that also attached was the concept that I was a young Ike Turner.
So why am I opening this file now? I mean it's been 13 years and generally anybody with a life couldn't/wouldn't and shouldn't give a shit about a pissant couple from 1996. Well the reason I recanting this story is because this trivial shit came back to bite me in my ass.
If you recall from the first two essays in this series, I discussed how (the) Queen had come up with the ludicrous notion that I was going to hurt her. Well in the aftermath of all the nonsense, pain, growth, hustle, and sadness that was/is, The Love Supreme Crisis, (the) Queen having already dethroned me suddenly hit me with a banning that would have made the old apartheid South Africa government jealous. Suddenly I wasn't the HIT with beautiful eyes but the a poor Rick James mixed with OJ Simpson. After the BFL09 cinco de mayo, although I received an occasional text or blog comment (the) Queen just wouldn't talk, see or unban me.
I've often wondered why she would think I was a demon, a man capable of whupping on her when I wouldn't even kiss her without her permission, use her bathroom without her permission, or even...well never mind all that. Fact is the LAST thing, my depression supreme aside, that I would ever do it hit her or any woman. Well there was one woman I hit but she hit me first and with a bottle. I digress. Fact is I was seen as an animal.
I've often wondered why even with the evidence that I was just a depressed pussy whupped heart broken man that I couldn't get another file review with the new evidence presented. Well I got my wish.
Recently a memo came across my desk that informed me that someone I thought was a friend and supporter of the kingdom had gone to the queen to offer assistance, prayer and help. Mind you all I did was ask for a strengthening prayer. This person whom I wasn't even friends with at Fisk (and come to think of it wasn't cool with K.S.W. either) tells (the)Queen that I beat up my girlfriend, pissed in her plants and otherwise did all sorts of cray rude shit to her. In fact I was asked point blank by my source had I committed such an evil act. I was floored and hurt. So not only was I convinced on incomplete evidence I gotta contend with fabricated, unconfirmed reports? Are you fucking serious? I realize during the height of my depression I made some serious errors in judgment, I might have even looked a bit crazy but damn was it that deep.
The memo went on to clown me for not revealing my past and being dishonest. I was called into question and the validity of my manhood and realness was challenged. In short I was read the riot act.
All because of a stupid urban legend designed to make me look like want gone ape shit. For real? Wow. There was a time, pre Duel of Fates I would have gone on a cussing out spree. But as I try to do things differently, as I try to grow and reconcile contradictions I simply write it off. I will correct the mistakes, because that is a doozy to have on your record and keep it moving. Such it the paradox of being a big emotional negro.
I must admit, moments like this make it so much easier to walk the path of the Star. I mean damn. I realize the past is very important but I also realize, like a man fresh out the joint, that sometimes we just want to be looked at by our present actions. I mean I said it before, the fairest formula is Past Sins vs Present Heroics.
This makes my quest and fight for a fair review all the more intense. I was removed because of a a misunderstanding and banished off of an unconfirmed report. In fairness to (the) Queen, there was a whole lot going on and honestly I was like so close to being a bablling fool. But still with the connection to my mom, BFL09, and Dr. Devin (who by the way was there in that room with me) the truth could have been discerned.
In one of her more candid moments of brilliance, when she wasn't plotting to take over the world, Ret. Gen Yan once quipped "Sometimes people just wanna convict you out of punishment. I mean you piss them off and you gotta pay for that." I think that is the case, and at the root of all this nonsense, this 120 days of suckation with (the) Queen that I pissed her off on a sacred day and now I gotta get my ass whupped. I mean I've done it to others, tis would be arrogant to think it wouldn't happen to me.
*sigh* Indeed, all of this fits right into the Duel of Fates. For what must be reconciled is the love I know that's there, versus the piss offness and disappointment. Indeed, like me the choice of Jehovah (love) or the Star (My pride and her stubbornness) are in mortal combat.
And we gotta lovely unconfirmed report to thank for all the bullshit...this lovely Duel now before us...
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-3-2009
12:01am
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