The Duel of Fates: Casual Observation or Active Participation

"There is NO conflict"~Darth Vader

I think the "star" was a lil pissed I had a positive and uplifting birthday because yesterday I received three text messages all managing to hurt/anger me (in the interest of honesty, one of those messages wasn't designed to intentionally do the above, however the gall of the message is what sung me. But the other two....).

Walk with me as I rant a bit snarky mofo reading this.

A Few Fun Facts about me that hopefully you've discerned..........

I hate it when my integrity is questioned. I hate it when I'm honest and doubted. I hate it when I provide answers and they are not accepted. I hate it when I ask a serious question and I am ignored or blown off as if I am not important or something to be dismissed.

As I came up with the concepts to write in this blog I remembered the above quote by Darth Vader, during his showdown with Luke and right before he finally chose to do what was right. Although out of context in a sense the way he said it affirmed that while he was hesitant, while he was not sure of his next immediate move there was no question of his long term objective, even if his methodology left something to be desired. Lord Vader wanted his son, the only family he knew of (at the time) by his side after losing his wife 23 years earlier and for him in that regard there was no conflict.

I was hesitant to use the above quote because there WAS conflict in him, as evident in his failure to win that duel, as evident in his decision to stand up to/betray his master to save his son.

*Pause*
Never say there is no such thing as the philosophy of Star Wars. I mean did I just discern a lesson on conflicts from that throne room duel? Damn I'm good.

*Play*
Such conflicts do occur in the real world; there ARE conflicts within us and to deny them is to deny ourselves. I mean why do we seek out God for protection from the devil if for no other reason than to help resolve/ deal with our conflicts/contradictions? I fully believe that one has to explore these contradictions in totality in order to draw closer to God; to press towards the mark of the higher calling and ultimately reach it.

I explore MY contradictions daily. I look at my friends and my enemies, I look at my hopes and dreams and I realize they represent in truth my sincerest desire for answers to my questions, to make sure that my transitions into a better man is accurate and wise. Never have I sought to deny them, down play them, hide from them or ignore them. It is a quest to reach as humanly possible mental (which consists of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) perfection, no different than the men and women who work out daily.

But at the same time Vader was correct... in theory. In somethings there is/are NO conflict(s); i.e. love of family, love of career, love of culture etc. You simply love these people/ things even when contradictions are present. You embrace them in totality and move on. To illustrate this point in the Black Community I love both the dude selling DVD's in the laundromat and I also love my President. This is a contradiction but also valid expressions of Black Life in 2009.

I know you're wondering where this all came from, esp after the birthday blog. Well I guess I am annoyed this am because I received THREE text messages, one which tried to shame me, one which questioned my honor and the other expressing disappointment in my life choices. In my personal opinion these messages collectively questioned my integrity; it questioned my struggle and struggles. I am further annoyed that in one case when I sought clarification I was meet with silence. I mean really how disrespectful is it to ignore a question. I was raised that one only does that when they deem the question or the person asking the question invalid. I am many things but invalid is not one of them.

Here's the way I see it: The past 128 days, 2 hours, 33 mins, and 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 .....secs (and counting) have been pure emotional hell for me; a hell that is just now letting up. I can count on three fingers the people who tired to understand and "acted" like they care. I put act in quotes because I am sure others cared, I am not that arrogant to believe otherwise, yet many responded like my personal pain would somehow alter their fragile and made up happiness. I have had to meet the sadness, questions, confusion, hurt, anger, bitterness, loneliness, horniness, alone each and every single night, even when I was in the hospital. I have cried alone, walked alone and written alone, and although you have read this journey (and I am grateful for that) I HAVE walked alone. Nobody from from my familia to (the) Queen to Wei Yan has understood truly what this moment in time has done to me. I won't even get started on new responsibly as she has been so wrapped up in her own agenda and showing me how she is now more righteous than everybody she wouldn't know my struggle if kicked her and him in the mouth. I highly doubt anybody has contemplated the magnitude of what it is like to go from being a King to peasant in a matter of days. Or how hard it is to crave a person and not be able to touch them or talk to them. Or dealing with the realization that all of this could have been resolved with a bottle, an honest conversation and a few apologies but just total jackassness stands in the way on all sides. Do you know what's it's like to struggle with forgiving someone who blow their virtue trying to teach you a lesson because of the history and good times you shared. Or what its like dealing with day in and day out conversations on friendship and trust that become like a broken Lenny Williams record? Or let's ask how does one deal with and move forward with the realization somebody has made a unilateral decision on my life; in their sickness and selfishness created a new responsibility I am struggle to place in my life. Or one step further how this person is now asshole number 1, always attempting to shame and manipulate to get what they will never have (at least from me) a ring...even going so far as to leave petty blog comments? No matter what is said or how it's cleaned up I have had to deal with ALL of this, and so much more, alone. I can endure a lot but the last thing I will endure or tolerate is an implication that I have not been above board in all of this. In certain areas and certain agendas there is/are no contradiction(s), there is/was no conflict and if one seemed present it is because I am doing what any smart institution/person would do after a crisis: self reflect and come up with a viable policy to prevent another said crisis. That means exploring, the good the bad and the ugly all the people, places and events that lead up to that moment.

So before anybody sits and judges me, which I have accepted is apart of human existence and really have no problem with, ask yourself have you walked with me. Have you shared my tears? Do you really read the words and healing I pour into this page? Do you really try to empathize with me or is just are you just concerned with your feelings, needs and wants (in the greatest tradition of post modernism) and how all of this effects you? I can say with no ego and no pride I have walked in other people's shoes and reflected, ad nausea, on how all of this is interconnected. Have you?

I told someone this morning in spite of my sadness, depression, challenges and other flaws the one thing I have never been is a coward. I have no problem engaging in the debate, fight or conversation if it will lead to healing and peace. I need nor do I want a easy button. I am a solider, a Prime Minister and a thinker. I hide nothing. Where there is a conflict/contradiction it is addressed. Where there is no contradiction, no conflict my words and my deeds will match. It's there in real life, in black and white, and in my prayers. If you cant see it then its really nothing more I can do.

Now that I got my morning rant off my chest let's get back to the festive August Fest Activities.

Talk to you later blog spot

ALWAYS
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-12-2009
10:22am

Revolutions and Rotations: Boys to Men

"These ARE the things that change boys to MEN"
~New Edition

Today is August 10th 2009 and it is my 34th birthday. It has been a long calender year indeed.

It is funny in the revolutions and rotations we call life that I would be almost in the exact same spot I was one year ago today. While my financial situation is a bit different, I am still on the front lines helping my heirs adjust to life (again/always) in their new school, an inner city school and teach them how to survive.

This would mark the 4th straight birthday I am celebrating as a single man, and honestly I would like to have a birthday again where I can celebrate with one woman, get birthday sex from one woman, indulge in one wonderful conversation with one woman and then catch a nap.

This will also mark the 4th straight year my birthday has come following some kind of MAJOR crisis or test, this year it follows the well documented and powerful "Love Supreme Crisis". To put it into context, image if your birthday fell on 9-11 or the day after the levees broke. It would kind of dampen the mood a bit. Dealing with the fall out of my own 9-11/Hurricane Katrina has left me both trying to ensure I had a festive birthday, but also hella reflective on the battles I have won, defeats I have suffered and the joy and pain intrinsic to our time on this planet. Indeed this past calender year has led me in a complete emotional circle as just like last year I had/have to deal with (or not deal with) the emotional complexities of losing someone near and dear to my heart only more intense. Without question this day will be one of reflection and contemplation on the things that change boys to men and wondering if I am truly a man.

HOWEVER, in spite of the aforementioned there is much to celebrate. I am walking toward Jehovah, a bit slow, stumbling, but walking non the less. I DID help my heirs with their transitions from suburban life into city life, we WILL meet the challenge of the new school like the soldiers we are, I am working again and outside of a brief uh....incapacitation in June my health is pretty friggin good. My parenting relationship with BM is perfect and even new responsibility is agreeing to my terms laid out. My friendship with Wei Yan seems salvageable, I have healed with my father's side of my family, and my crew is back together. Each challenge that was laid before me this year was/ has been meet, with/to the best of my ability plus 20%. While I might have fallen short in some goals, I failed in none because I always answered the bell. I will continue to keep fighting and pressing towards that mark of the higher calling.

Wow 34 years old? I shiver sometimes when I think about it; all that I have seen and done, the dead and incarcerated homies who aren't here anymore or whose birthdays now are a reminder of the painful errors of their life. It is in these sobering moments that I find joy, not in their pain but rather I understand my blessings. I understand who I am and how I came to be and that MAN who stands before you now, scars and all, has nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear, nothing to really hold me back. In this Duel of Fates, even as it continues, I am learning I have a strength I may not have tapped before and it is that strength that I will survive the next calander year and beyond. Jay Z once sung:

You know my story
I been through it all
Nights I felt like dying
But I ain't crying
What didn't kill me
Made me strong as Iron
Oh.My.God.

HOV had a point and I agree. After this year I can say with no ego that I am fucking adamantium.

As I sit on the mountain top, enjoying the view of the promise land and an early morning shot of vodka, I think of all that I have been through. I thank Jehovah deeply for not leaving me in the hands of the of the "star' even as I was unsure of what to do. Coming to this mountain top has given me a sense of peace, and while I am sure the "star" will test me again, while I am sure I may have doubts again, I know I will not fall or lose. That much I am certain of.

The Legend of Terrance L Thomas is secure. My legacy is secure. My reality and my future are also secure, even if ever evolving. My past and present being reconciled. Good, bad and ugly all things are where they are even if it blows at times.

New Edition was right. Growing up can be a pain and you're not a man until you come of age.

Good to know I've been a MAN for a long time.

Before I forget: Thank you ALL for your love, support, critiques, and up-building. You have helped me get through this year indeed.

Tis time for me to go enjoy my birthday...


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-10-2009
6:45am

PS
Enjoy the music...

The Duel of Fates: The Winds of Change.

"T will all due respect"~[Classified: Security Protocols Activated]

Just got a text message that hurt like hell and kinda got me twisted.

No long blog today. It is a very emotional afternoon that will and can be summed up in a simple question I was asked today:

"Will you be like King Saul, fighting the winds of change, cursing the heavens, being disobedient and seeking the help of the "Star" forever tarnishing your legacy?"

OR

"Will you be like Moses, standing tall, accepting the change, leaving with dignity, decency and enjoying the view of the promise land with your legacy secure?"




Tis the Duel of Fates....

Saul or Moses.....

TLT
8-5-2009
12:40pm

120

Indeed.

The Struggle, Journey and Mission Continues......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-4-2009
12:01am

Document THIS Pt.3: Unconfirmed Reports

"See what I had heard"~Inner City Saying

Let's take a walk snarky mofo reading this.....come see the world without time with me.

Circa: 1996
Place: Fisk University Nashville TN
Location: Shane Hall.

We were going to go to a super bowl party thrown by my friend Devin's dad. My date to this lovely event was supposed to be my then girlfriend K.S.W. Well she wasn't exactly my girlfriend, we were in that kind of limbo only the immature and the young get into; where we were doing all the things of a couple, but not taking the label of a couple. Unknown to me she was exploring options while keeping me close, leading me to believe the things we were doing we going to help us work out whatever 19 year old love problems we had. Well the night of the Super Bowl party I go to pick her up and head out. But she wasn't there. She never called. She didn't leave a word. She just stood me up. With my 19 year old brain I opted to instead of keeping it moving, to sit around and wait. I almost missed the party had Devin, being the friend he was not came back to get me.

The next morning she calls me to tell me she went out and stayed with a friend, the second time she had stood me up in like a week or send me off to explore one of her options. Upset, I went over to her dorm room with the intent on giving her the best cussing out my young brain could muster. When I got there, we exchanged typical 19 year old nastiness. I lost the exchange. In a moment of stupid young lion bravado I snatched her car keys and left. I went to the library to read a couple of chapters of Romance of Three Kingdoms, went and bought a comic book from Kroger's and then I went to my dorm room to eat a sandwich. In all, I was gone about 30-45 mins. Suddenly, it was a knock at my door and crazy Mike, a fellow RA, was at my door. He got a call at the front desk from another RA over at Shane that the police we called and en route to me. So again with Leo pride I walked over to the Shane security office, told my side of the story and put my hands on my head ready to be arrested. An older officer clearly sickened by EVERYBODY's antics told me to "take my hands off my dumb ass head" He took the keys out of my pocket and handed them to K.S.W. He then turned to me and said "This is the stupidest reason to ruin your life. There will be better reasons. This ain't one of them (God knows he wasn't lying). He then pointed to K.S.W. and said "young brother this woman stood you up and made you look stupid. She isn't worth your tears. Why would you go to jail on a woman who don't respect you. Respect yourself and not do this over her." He then turned to K.S.W. and said "you need to be careful with these silly games. The next man might not just take your keys." She turned and left. I was held back a little bit until she pulled off and then let go. As I left the office the rumors as only a Black College like Fisk could create has circulated that I beat her and stole her car. In my young hubris I sucked up my notoriety and fame. I did not realize that it would create an urban legend which would come back to hunt me some 13 years later.

I have often reflected on that event, its stupidity of my youth and this one stands out for a number of reasons; my first girlfriend out of my house and my inability to handle a relationship in those close quarters. I mean I had girlfriends in high school, but I didn't see them 24/7 and I didn't have to keep seeing them once school let out esp. after we broke up. I learned I had a obscene fixation with justice. My action wasn't designed to "steal" her car. In fact it should be stated again that I walked around but never set foot in that car. I wanted her to understand inconvenience and selfishness. But most importantly this event earned me the label of "woman beater". Like I said earlier in my youth I thought the "rep" of being a real hard ass that stood up to the po-po's was cool and sexy; what I didn't know was that also attached was the concept that I was a young Ike Turner.

So why am I opening this file now? I mean it's been 13 years and generally anybody with a life couldn't/wouldn't and shouldn't give a shit about a pissant couple from 1996. Well the reason I recanting this story is because this trivial shit came back to bite me in my ass.

If you recall from the first two essays in this series, I discussed how (the) Queen had come up with the ludicrous notion that I was going to hurt her. Well in the aftermath of all the nonsense, pain, growth, hustle, and sadness that was/is, The Love Supreme Crisis, (the) Queen having already dethroned me suddenly hit me with a banning that would have made the old apartheid South Africa government jealous. Suddenly I wasn't the HIT with beautiful eyes but the a poor Rick James mixed with OJ Simpson. After the BFL09 cinco de mayo, although I received an occasional text or blog comment (the) Queen just wouldn't talk, see or unban me.

I've often wondered why she would think I was a demon, a man capable of whupping on her when I wouldn't even kiss her without her permission, use her bathroom without her permission, or even...well never mind all that. Fact is the LAST thing, my depression supreme aside, that I would ever do it hit her or any woman. Well there was one woman I hit but she hit me first and with a bottle. I digress. Fact is I was seen as an animal.

I've often wondered why even with the evidence that I was just a depressed pussy whupped heart broken man that I couldn't get another file review with the new evidence presented. Well I got my wish.

Recently a memo came across my desk that informed me that someone I thought was a friend and supporter of the kingdom had gone to the queen to offer assistance, prayer and help. Mind you all I did was ask for a strengthening prayer. This person whom I wasn't even friends with at Fisk (and come to think of it wasn't cool with K.S.W. either) tells (the)Queen that I beat up my girlfriend, pissed in her plants and otherwise did all sorts of cray rude shit to her. In fact I was asked point blank by my source had I committed such an evil act. I was floored and hurt. So not only was I convinced on incomplete evidence I gotta contend with fabricated, unconfirmed reports? Are you fucking serious? I realize during the height of my depression I made some serious errors in judgment, I might have even looked a bit crazy but damn was it that deep.

The memo went on to clown me for not revealing my past and being dishonest. I was called into question and the validity of my manhood and realness was challenged. In short I was read the riot act.

All because of a stupid urban legend designed to make me look like want gone ape shit. For real? Wow. There was a time, pre Duel of Fates I would have gone on a cussing out spree. But as I try to do things differently, as I try to grow and reconcile contradictions I simply write it off. I will correct the mistakes, because that is a doozy to have on your record and keep it moving. Such it the paradox of being a big emotional negro.

I must admit, moments like this make it so much easier to walk the path of the Star. I mean damn. I realize the past is very important but I also realize, like a man fresh out the joint, that sometimes we just want to be looked at by our present actions. I mean I said it before, the fairest formula is Past Sins vs Present Heroics.

This makes my quest and fight for a fair review all the more intense. I was removed because of a a misunderstanding and banished off of an unconfirmed report. In fairness to (the) Queen, there was a whole lot going on and honestly I was like so close to being a bablling fool. But still with the connection to my mom, BFL09, and Dr. Devin (who by the way was there in that room with me) the truth could have been discerned.

In one of her more candid moments of brilliance, when she wasn't plotting to take over the world, Ret. Gen Yan once quipped "Sometimes people just wanna convict you out of punishment. I mean you piss them off and you gotta pay for that." I think that is the case, and at the root of all this nonsense, this 120 days of suckation with (the) Queen that I pissed her off on a sacred day and now I gotta get my ass whupped. I mean I've done it to others, tis would be arrogant to think it wouldn't happen to me.

*sigh* Indeed, all of this fits right into the Duel of Fates. For what must be reconciled is the love I know that's there, versus the piss offness and disappointment. Indeed, like me the choice of Jehovah (love) or the Star (My pride and her stubbornness) are in mortal combat.

And we gotta lovely unconfirmed report to thank for all the bullshit...this lovely Duel now before us...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-3-2009
12:01am

The Duel of Fates: Introduction To A Duel

"A Great Hero to save the world and a great villain to ruin it"

~ Xu Shao

The other night taught me something about myself; rather the other night confirmed something I've known for quite a while: I am a walking contradiction. At first (like most things I don't want to accept or acknowledge) I glossed over it. I wrote them off as quirks, some sorta of higher evolution of an anti hero understanding that boundaries and lines are nothing more than expendable tools. But as I was forced to my knees, contemplating yet again to take "his" offer I realized it was worse than I had suspected for what man seeks the help of both God and the devil? Now before you baptists start talking out the side of your neck, the bible is full of men who faced such challenges and moral paradigms. King Saul, King Solomon, the disciple Ananias are but some of a few examples of men who had this very same internal contradiction but instead of reconciling it they allowed this to destroy them. Thus it would be pretty friggin arrogant (and it was) to assume that I, someone who isn't of that great spiritual class, wouldn't face or even engage in such a paradigm. Laying there kneeling on the ground by my own vomit showed me the truth of this next phase in my life, one which would finally address not only the aftermath and effects of the Love Supreme Crisis, but also a number of places were I, a man who used to live and die by the words found at Luke 16:13, now seem to find it so easy at times to "alter the deal". I need to figure out how and why in some areas of my life I am the happiest man alive and how in other areas I carry what the Danish philosopher Kierkegaard refers to as "the sickness unto death." Indeed contradictions can lead to depression, depression into despair and the next thing you know you're talking to the "Star" and inquiring about his benefits package.

So thus we enter the phase of my life I have aptly entitled "The Duel of Fates." What exactly is "The Duel of Fates"? It's name is derived from the main song in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. It is argued among Star Wars fandoom this duel, engaged in the Theed Palace, altered the course of the galactic history because the one Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn, who could have properly trained Anakin Skywalker (thereby preventing him from giving in to his own unreconciled contradictions and becoming Darth Vader) and the only Jedi with the foresight to keep his eyes on the present (thereby noticing Palpatine's manipulations and stopping them) was killed, leaving Anakin's training to an inexperienced Obi Wan Kenobi and a reluctant Jedi Council. Complicated I know but all relevant as what happened since April 4 2009 will determines what happens from this day forward; to be clear not only April 4th but the other moments in my life are all being called into review to find the moment I began to be the contradiction and work through its existence. In essence, my own Duels, especially the ones over the past 3-4 months will chart the course of my life.

When first conceived "The Duel of Fates" was supposed to be me attempting to reconcile the contradictions in my external life, for example trying to come to terms that I was trying to save two friendships from being lost, (the) Queen and the General, even though they represent two polar opposites on the scale. Or the concept I wasn't taking ANY more B.S. gigs not related to my field and still be able to provide for my sons. Or how to accept my new responsibility with full arms but keep it at arms length. In this context the duel was going to be my master political stroke where I pulled off a bunch of Kissinger like moves and then go have a drink.

Yet the event of the other night and a subsequent conversation with the ONE person who got all of this and understands, Ishmariablanca, let me know that my battle was not external; with my skills and intelligence she argued I didn't have any "external problems". In the most flattering way she said men like me didn't have external problems. Instead, my contradictions lie within; a result of trying to be all things to all men yet without Holy Spirit. It was my forsaking of the above counsel found at Luke, that led me to have this internal Duel and this expanded to my various areas of my life. It's similar to the whole "Negronia or Afrolantia" argument Nickjack offered, but on a more spiritual level. Consider: The Love Supreme was the happiest moment in my life, yet I spent so much time fighting ghosts, blog vandals, disgruntled Generals, and all other sorts of non essential beings that I lead to my OWN doom. Yes, my depression was at the root of the bad decisions but the fact remains some of those "brilliant" ideas (like beefing with the blog vandal/s) was just plain stupid. She pointed out that even if I reconciled these external differences, I would only sabotage them again because the duality I would be forced to live would create a sadness that would lead to depression that would lead to my having that sickness unto death: despair. I would have to come to terms, pick a side, chose a path and stick to it. I was reminded to let my yes mean yes and my no mean no.

So I sat down and thought of the legend of Terrance L, who I was and how I came to be. I thought of where I am now in the post Love Supreme Crisis moment, this/the Duel of Fates and where I need to go from here. When it comes to our morals and honor code (or integress like the church folk would say), life isn't a cafeteria buffet where we pick the and chose what to follow whenever it is morally expedient. I will have to chose. I will have to either accept Jehovah's wisdom/life or the Star's Knowledge/status. I no longer have the luxury, as I approach my 34th birthday of fence sitting. Only cowards sit on the fence and I have never been nor will I ever be a coward. I can take my time in making my decision, but one would have to be made none the less. I accept I will have to struggle and fight, indeed Blessed are those who Struggle, but what and who I fight for is the more central question.

Do not be mislead; I am by no means implying or stating this will be easy and I wont stumble. In fact I am perfectly prepared for the uncomfortablity that comes with working out inner contradictions. Yet, like any good political system (and we humans are nothing more than an organic/spiritual/emotional/ political system) I need to have this civil war, this reconciling of my poles in order to move forward. I am not and will not be perfect, however that should not prevent me from striving for it and returning to that Man of Honor I once so proudly was and yet so foolishly allowed to become compromised over the past few years.

The other day I got a phone call from a most important friend I hadn't heard from in a moment, checking up on me and in my view testing the waters, perhaps an attempt to reconcile some things of their own. During the course of the conversation they commented on how disappointed and hurt (in so many words) they were with my party invite. Publicly, I declare myself to be a creature trying to serve Jehovah, I say I am a heart broken man seeking to heal, and I often speak/spoke on how I wanna do things right yet my party invite was full of language and images of a horny 20 something frat party. Later that day I contemplated this contradiction and changed my invite; I cleaned it up. That friend was SO correct. Although my invite was done in humor, a feeble attempt to try to "change up" from the sadness I've shown for a while, it just didn't reflect the man I am and trying to be; it was an attempt to pander and show the world how I was "over it". It was neither funny nor am I over it and that should be dealt with honestly and accurately. I changed the invite. The irony? When I did change the invite more people accepted it and committed to coming to celebrate. My one and only party was almost destroyed by a contradiction, but saved by reconciling it. Thank you old friend.

In this Duel of Fates I TRULY understand the battle(s) that lay ahead. I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what must be done. The question for me is, as its always been, is which method: Jehovah or the Star's.

Time to make that decision now and forever....

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-2-2009

9:00pm

Song #165

"He's not always there when you call, but he is always on time"
~ African American Spiritual Proverb.

Thank you Jehovah. I appreciated and needed that more than you know. I am now back on task.


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
08-01-2009
3:51am