You trying to help Ike?~Ike Turner
It was a rush judgment. I admit it. I should not have gone over there unannounced. I will say it again: I should not have gone over there unannounced, and definitely not sad and crying.
I should have left when she didn't answer after the first knock. Instead I sent a snarky text asking was she gonna leave me in the cold. So yes, big T messed up. I didn't think it through.
Well I did think it through. What I did do was forgot a rule: Big Negroes have to walk light.
I simply forgot. In my emotional haste to be heard, I forgot a major piece of advise my father gave me a couple of years back. The Late Emperor said to me:
"You're a big guy. You have to be careful how you move, speak, and act because a lot of times it may be misinterpreted."
He wasn't lying. I experienced that yesterday for the one person whom I truly love and adore; who actually thought I was going to harm her.
I see your face snarky mofo reading this. She thought I was going to harm her. Yes her. Not her. If she and I ever get into a fight that would have been par the course. No I am talking about her. The queen.
Right. I thought the same thing when I got that email. I figured she had gone insane or started smoking shit. Either way it was a perfect ending to the most fucked 72hrs since my dad had passed.
No, his passing was beyond my control. This is the most fucked up 72hrs. I've had. EVER.
In retrospect, I cant be mad. I did plant enough seeds for her to draw that conclusion, even if it was so off base it actually is funny. In the interest of honesty and full disclosure I shared with her my issues with depression; against the advice of loved ones I laid it all out in full. I simply forgot that the Black Community is not the most sympathetic to mental health "issues" and that by sharing that all I really do is run the risk of being labeled, and the first time I get truly angry, emotional, or throw a curve ball the whole "I don't know where your head is" speech will come up.
I also play pseudo spy enough were some folks actually think I have the true ability to manipulate, break in, poison, assassinate, ninja kick or otherwise do some spy shit. I would like for the record to state that I am NOT A SPY, nor have I been to the service or any intelligence gathering agency. I'm just a nerd who started reading that shit at the Fisk University library, developed a taste for it and made it a hobby. Spies generally look like this:
and not like this:
So I hope that answers now and forever my ability to "infiltrate" a person's personal space.Of course the final component needed is always a seminar on domestic violence, which in this day and age has become a major problem in the Black community. I have seen many sisters go to these trainings, talk with other women about it and then immediately go to Def Con 1. It doesn't matter what your record is before that, or how much you love her, if she sits through one of these or holds one of these sessions you are a suspect for the next 90 days.
So let's put the formula together:
- Big Black Emotional Guy at 6'2 330 lbs respectively.
- Has mild depression and works to keep in control
- Domestic violence seminar.
Fucking amazing. It would be funny if I could stop crying long enough to laugh. I now see what my mentor meant when she said "we need to both get over ourselves" (that's another blog up next). This is what my mother means when she says "Discernment is key".
Excuse me snarky mofo reading this while I address my audience whom I know is reading this.
[Classified] I am really like wow. Are you serious? Breached your security? Like I am that one dude from that movie who did that one thing to his wife. Seriously? Me? Who wouldn't even touch you without your permission, use your bathroom without an OK nod? Me who you trusted with your sun and you with mine? Me who I shared my innermost thoughts with?
would
hurt
you?
You cant be serious.
But you are.
and that
hurts deeply.
If my memory serves me correctly that last time we where in each other's presence we ate breakfast, talked, giggled and hugged. I don't it remember being a scene from "What's love got to do with it"
In all of my history, I never hit a woman or harmed a woman even when they probably deserved it. Nicole put me out in the dead of winter and before I could get my property out of our house moved another man in to make eggs in my cookware. It wrecked me emotionally but outside of the typical angry negro rants and raves, I did not harm her or him.
You know this. We laughed at the story.
Even during Wei Yan's rebellion, even during all the crazy shit we did to each other never once did it get physical. *Points to Wei Yan who I know is reading* She DESERVES an ass whupping. But never have I or will I give her one.
And Baby mama, 12 years. Never one touched her. Never once harmed her.
Have you discerned the pattern yet?
Right. I'm an asshole. I'm snarky. I'm a big dude that's emotional. But I'm not a woman beater, stalker, ninja, CIA, or nut. Whoever advised you to take this course of action is truly missing the mark.
I was simply and always will be a man seeking peace and was trying to love his queen.
Mistakes made, meanings learned. Personality profile updated and adapted. Document that.
I think I'm going to work on losing weight, not only for health considerations but for image reasons. I think it would be good so if I get mad or emotional I wont have to worry bout folks thinking I'm the genetic splice of Ike Turner and OJ Simpson. If I don't even if I look like this:
I will always been seen as this:
And while I can expect that from white society and some segments of the Black Community when coming from my loved ones, esp one I still in the back of my mine hurts like hell.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2009
11:26pm
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