A Love Supreme: Aftermath

*Author's Cautionary Note: Since I no longer really want them coming down my eyes, I've decided in this final entry to make this blog cry. So if you're an bitter former lover, or snarky friend, or somebody that just cant handle it please hit the red X button now and save both of us the headache. Do it now.....ok...you're still here? You've been warned. ~TLT

"Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby" ~Boys II Men

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I could very easily sum up this blog into one line that would both express my feelings and be quick and painless: I miss her so dearly. These five words would carry a dignity in their simplicity and probably would save me an emotional headache.

But as profound as those five words are they don't quite do what I am feeling this AM any real justice. I mean 90 days ago the woman I dearly love and institution we were building came to an abrupt, painful end. Everything I hoped and prayed for was, as David Ruffin once sung, "just like a broken glass shattered all over the floor to be useful no more". Like that man in his song, (titled Pieces of a Man), we had made such beautiful mutual plans, fate moved in with an ugly hand and crushed it. Indeed as I stood on her porch trying to reason through tears, anger and confusion I knew that I had become nothing more than pieces of a man.

Thus began the Love Supreme Crisis, a series of personal, professional, and emotional challenges which brought me so close to total ruin; like Hurricane Katrina did to the City of New Orleans, this Perfect Storm has forever changed my life, way of thinking and emotional maturity. Since I've discussed the impact on the general areas of my life a few days ago, I won't cover that here. On this anniversary we're going to discuss the impact of losing (the) Queen and were do I go from here.

I've thought long and hard about the Love Supreme Crisis. I've written at least three introspective pieces in real time at various points during this crisis. I think my obsession (for lack of a better word) with healing us and ending this crisis forced me (as much a depressed mind could muster) to levels of thought, critique and intellectualism only matched by my time working with Black Studies at Olive Harvey. I was finally able to sum up what happened in a critical analysis.

But I am not going to do that again. I simply am going to talk honestly about what I realize after a hospital stay, rebuilding, prayer and supplication. In fact there is really nothing new I can add to these (if I do say so myself) wonderfully written pieces. While I am thinking with a little more clarity and the rolling emotions are past (and I'm no longer in denial about being thrown into a further depression) it would only be redundant. At your leisure go back and re-read some of them. But right now I can only say on this day the 90th day "I miss her so dearly".

As I sit at this computer typing this while slowly sipping vodka I cant help but still be sad. Now before you snarky mofo's reading this get down on me I was told by the wonderful mental health professionals tending to me while I was uh...incapacitated that its OK to mourn and be sad. This was traumatic. One doesn't have this kind of loss and shake it off. I mean she was a major component to the new future, a future imperfect full of hopes and dreams, changing people's definition of love, being that Black couple and thanking Jah along the way. Indeed, in spite of it all she helped me attain the peace I sought and truly made me a happy man.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

So what makes me sad? I guess my sadness stems from the realization that neither of us really did anything "wrong" per se; there were no tradition deal breaker sins. When we were on all cylinders we made each other feel better than the best feeling. Ironically even when we missed fired there was nothing horrid about it. But somehow we reached the event horizon, a point where things fell apart and couldn't rebuild. I keep thinking this crisis could have been so avoided had I talked bluntly about my clinical depression, had I told her about my emotional challenges. I didn't. I have to live with that arrogance and that fear.

I guess we could also heal if she stopped being so fucking anger with me. Despite her lofty ideals on the past and healing its all in her words, was in her eyes on Cinco De Mayo. I pissed her off good. I really didn't understand the magnitude of her anger/disappointment until the Queen Mother explained it to me. She said "Black, I saw you guys, I listened to you guys. You made that woman high, giddy with love. I just knew she was going to be my daughter in law. I know what you can do. You took her to the top of the mountain. But you didn't take care of yourself you got unbearable, and you dropped her. That fall hurt. In short my son she's disappointed."

I've reflected on that while I was uh...incapacitated. Disappointment. I don't think I hadn't really thought of that. Now I'm sure that is a part of it. I wish I could do it over and tell her but I cant. It's amazing that two people who were planning a wedding, laughing at the future, was having amaaazing drunk sex, while blending the kids are no longer speaking, outside of short communiques. It's amazing two people who used to be unable to wait to hug each other wouldn't even hug if we bumped into each other.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

But today this is the reality and today I miss her so dearly.

My mind drifts back to our initial meeting were Jehovah only knows what I said in my drunken stupor. I vaguely remember us talking about Jehovah, Black Studies, Vodka, Pussy eating and a bunch of stuff. I remember offering to go get our frat brother who is a reverend to marry her on the spot. LOL. For the longest time I thought that was the vodka, but I realized that I was serious. Something in that angel's eyes relaxed me. Now it drifts to our many chats...emails...debates about what Black Love is and should be.

My mind drifts to our first kiss. It drifts to that Sunday afternoon in October when we held each other for what seems like an eternity. It's now jumping to that late night in November when she came by after a party to hug me...and got out of the truck and said in the most loving voice as she kissed me "I love you". I remember being so scared the first time I cooked for her I burnt the food, but I also remember the last meal I fixed when I slammed that Catfish and Spaghetti. I remember her and CJ's banter. I remember loving my Black timbos and I remember her excitement when she officially became the flyest Zeta in the game rockin my chain. I remember standing on the porch wanting to hug and beg, and I remember her face. I remember Valentine's day and the gifts. These memories are a blessing and yet that can weigh one down. Indeed neither of us did any wrong, we could have done things differently of course but there was no sin here. It seems we were unjustly done in by triple D's: Depression, Disappointment and Defiance. These things can kill Black Love.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss her so dearly.

I was asked by a snarky mofo reader what would be different if we could hook back up. A lot. I would make sure my mental health is in order. I wouldn't spend time fighting with blog vandals. I wouldn't worry so much about her co parent. We WOULD go to the Hall. We would take it slow.

We would heal.

But this kind of wishful thinking isn't the healthiest, the fact is she is gone right now and I have to deal with that reality. I have to accept that I will may never get that review with all the evidence presented; a chance to get my conviction overturned and to reclaim my throne. To quote the Apostle Paul this is my thorn in the flesh, I have entreated Jah to help and he isn't either answering or basically telling me his undeserved kindness is enough. I understand I do. But still Jah...I wonder if we're both making this hard. I wonder if lil Devin's suggestion was correct? I remember him saying "Dad, why don't you say you're sorry. You make me and Centrell say you're sorry. Or buy some candy? Or take her out?". Or as my snarky preteen said "If you guys loved each other so much then why don't you just go for a long walk." Jesus was right. Children can sum up the truths much better than we stubborn complicated adults.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss her so dearly.

On Monday I start a new job as career counselor and I have to make sure my game face is on. I cant serve the underprivileged if I am in a funk. So I guess this weekend while the rest of you snarky mofo's are eating barbecue and acting like yall got your Independence on this day too (Obama's election not withstanding), I'll be trying to finish re centering myself, polish up those timbos and heal. I'll even smile once and a while and reflect on the lessons learned and meanings made during this perfect storm. Then Monday, I start to rebuild. Still though..it's hard.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss YOU so deeply!

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
07-04-2009
3:30am

Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm

GOODBYE April Showers, HELLO May Flowers!

On this day, I see clearly.
Everything has come to life.
A bitter place, in a broken dream.
And we'll leave it all behind.

On this day its so real to me.
Everything has come to life.
Another chance to chase a dream.
Another chance to feel.
Chance to feel alive.

I'll never long for what might have been.
Now regret won't waste my life again.
I won't look back,
I'll fight to remain ~Alter Bridge

Good friggin riddance April! Bye, so long. See you next year!

I don't think I've ever waited on a month to end like I have this past April. Where February used to be my month of misfortune, I do think April has supplanted that. I mean wow first the lost of the Black Studies Conference and then the total breakdown of my kingdom, Black Jesus must have truly been in a jokey mood. Seriously, I felt like the Apostle Paul on Damascus. While I am not saying I've written Paul like Gospels, I do understand the experience indeed.

I learned a lot about myself this past April. I learned that I still have a long way to go in balancing my need to tell the truth against the greater good; my need to be heard against decency and dignity. I learned that a lot of my theories on relationships and politics have flaws, and I learned that despite many warnings over the years I still fight the wrong battles. Perhaps though, the most important lesson was that my concerns were justified: I'm rarely "beaten" by external forces but rather internal turmoil and my own short comings namely arrogance.

I reviewed my blogs from the month of April, and with this post I would have effectively blogged every day this month. I'm not sure why this situation bothered me so much or why I felt compelled to fight so hard, but I did. It's funny that I didn't write this much when my father died, so if my using writing as an outlet is ANY indication, this might have impacted me just as great as that event (his passing).

I'm lying though. I know why I fought hard. I fought hard because I believe(d) in it. I believe(d) in our team and our union. I saw(see) the potential. I saw(see) the Ebony cover. I saw(see) the Blue and White wedding. I felt(feel) that. I've pondered marriage and love before, but never was it so real. It's funny, sitting on that couch, talking and debating were some of the only times my chest didn't feel like it was on fire. Very ironic really that a situation can both make my chest thump and quiet it down. I may need to study that.

When you go back and trace your mistakes and mistakes of loved ones hindsight is definitely 20/20. While I am taking FULL responsibility for my errors, I do believe there is enough FUBARs to go around. In retrospect, a lot of it was simply new relationship rough patches, not the major international incidents I(we) made them. I guess that should have been the first sign that my(our) energy was lower than I thought because a lot of the things that miffed me(us), now seem so petty.

As I said earlier, I'm kinda glad Jehovah burnt out my kicker. I really am. I would have kept at it until I was in a box. I don't like losing, I don't like unfairly losing and I don't like not being given a fair change. Time and history will judge if my change was fair or my lost just, right now I will accept it as is. Right now I'm trying to bask in God's love and mercy and get my energy back, heal these wounds and try to teach.

Last week I sat across from my friend, my former queen, my angel and I laid out how I felt in adult terms and clear language. I told her what I hoped and how I think Jah can fix this. I made a plea not for a second chance but a new chance. I remember telling someone paradigm shifts are essential to evolution. My suggestion was laughed at. That shift was seen as b.s. It never occurred and subsequently we didn't evolve. Regrettably when things don't or refuse to evolve they die or become obsolete. I hope this isn't the case now.

But even if the sun has set and my ship has gone and sailed away there is a lot to be thankful for. In spite of it all tis was six damn good months. Tis was beautiful, even if it was flawed. I got to say goodbye on my terms and like the man she remembered and I know I am, with smiles and a hugs, not rage filled eyes. I finally took my teachers exam. I am earnestly in the career market. All in all things ended a lost better than I suspected or hoped.

Still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say my troubled dynamic didn't occupy a good chuck of my mind. I remember a question I once posed to Nickjack: "If the flawed is beautiful imagine what would happen once its perfected ?" I think that is truth or rather truth is found in that answer.

But most appropriately, that decision is not mine to make. Jah has taken this situation and he will render final judgment, not only on these matters but in all matters. His perfect wisdom, justice, laws and understanding will ensure the proper outcome. The final result will be his.

And only the mistakes have been/will be mine.

It's been a long time since I've admitted that.

It felt good to make that truth my own.

I'm taking May off....see you June 1 blogspot. Until then may Jah bless and keep you in his favor.

Straight, No Chaser
4-30-2009
11:59pm

Rain, Rain Go Away

"Raindrops will hide my teardrops"~David Ruffin

Can't nobody tell me that Jah doesn't have a sense of humor after a day like this. I mean he makes it rain all day, knowing what emotions that the rain will bring up, the blog topics brought back memories I'd thought I was over, it rained today, I got waaay to many pictures of days past, it rained today, against better judgment I logged onto Facebook, it rained today, I cooked a version of the meal I was supposed to cook for her, it rained and it rained.

Oh did I mention it rained?

The rain. It washes the earth, cools the earth, grows the trees and grass and all that stuff we learned in kindergarten. The rain. A romantic time when you can cuddle and the sounds of the water on the window offers a backdrop to romantic kisses, touches, conversations, giggles, all that. Have you ever made passionate love in the rain snarky mofo reading this?

So then you understand my mood today.

Before some snarky reader quips "Hey I thought you were over it" let me state that I never said I was over it. I think I said the pain was subsiding the mood swings were no longer swinging and basically it wasn't gonna send me to the hospital. But you know the fact of the matter is I do miss my friend, I do miss her, shit today I'm missing her.

The rain...voices...on the ocean...at night. Sweet Jesus.

I tried to take a nap, but of course the first thing I get: Lucid dreams. Jah ain't right.

But tonight I accept the memories and desires, I accept the truth in how I feel.

So, I'm bite a little bit and post some good ole love songs...I'm so sick of these. But they, the legends, can explain it better than I.



The Whispers Getting Louder-Jackie Wilson



Ain't No Sunshine-Bill Whithers




Hall and Oates-One on One



I Wish it would rain- The Temptations



Castles Made of Sand-Jimi Hendrix



Overjoyed-Stevie Wonder



AS-Stevie Wonder


Going to drink vodka...and reflect...on the vistas of my life..

Nite Blogspot.

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
10:38pm

A Love Supreme Pt. 4: Not Easily Broken

"You slighted Jah by not seeking his guidance in the first place"
~Ishmariablanca

Yesterday, I entered into a conversation with my friend about how the memorial and the subsequent events of Thursday reminded me that it was not God that left me, but rather I left him and how I wanted to heal that rift between my creator and myself. She remained me that it required no grand plan to think of, just simply ask, change (or try to change) my ways and he will respond.

I continued the dialog with my mother, who while can be a bit overbearing about the conversation concerning God, did query how I could be so "stiff necked" as to not seek him in things that matter to me. She pointed out how Queen and I should have been came to the Hall if that is what we were trying to build, a family, because it starts with Jah and then works backwards. We don't start with us then find him. She offered the cliched but infallible argument of a foundation: did we wish to build it on a rock mass with strong materials to survive the storms or did we wish to build a shack that could barely stand the rain.


Damn, what does that make the score?
Tony 1,243,561, Terrance 10.



I remember seeing a movie back in January called "Not Easily Broken"; ironically it was a movie she and I were supposed to see, but somehow ended up not going. I really wish we had gone. I suck at movie reviews but basically it's about a young Black couple who go through trials and tribulations as they begin to focus on all the things, pursue all goals, and listen to all the wrong people as opposed to doing what needs to be done: drawing close to each other and growing with God. The title comes from the scripture found at Ecclesiastes 4:12. That scripture reads:

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This can be applied to a number of situations, in the context of the movie it was speaking of marriages. When properly applied to marriages it simply means that the husband and wife make up the first two cords and God needs to be the third cord which of course then makes the whole thing "not easily broken". Interesting formula for marriages and relationships seeking to become marriages. Seek comfort and strengthen in each other, then that unit seek comfort, strengthen and wisdom in God.

Heh. Gotta love Jah.

*pause*
Maybe Ms J or Ishamaria or one of yall will write a review. I'm a social critic and political scientist NOT Roger Ebert damn it.

*play*
Not unlike those Tyler Perry "shitcoms" and "movies"; T.D. Jakes really had a point. Its wasn't all the man's fault (i.e. Tyler) or all the woman's fault (modern hip hop culture) , but rather they both had equal blame in the potential demise of their relationship. Instead of seeking Jah's wisdom, she asked her old bitter snarky mama. Instead of building with his wife, he built with another woman.

Luckily, and with an ending that made me tear up they figured it out, got back together, ate chicken, had sex, and raised a family all with Jah's blessing.

Heh..good shit. Almost made me cry. OK I did cry when I got home.

Contrary to my public persona and my advance degree in snarkology I DO love happy endings.

Ok...I went off on a tangent. But as I was saying, it made me realize that WHEN we do come back we're going to get that third cord. I accept we're both heathens and the mere thought of it (going into a house of worship) probably burns us up (literally) but for it to work we need the creator of worlds. We need the source.

Honestly, I need the source for a lot of things, not just her or any relationship . A son approaching teenage years, guidance in making my moves and favor so I can start teaching. I think by him answering my prayer Thursday or at the very least revealing to me the truth was his way of giving me a sign I often craved. I need him.

For years I was advised by people more spiritual than myself to return to my roots and start my walk from there. I think I'm going to try that again, albeit slowly and without much snark.

It is amazing when I sit back and think about it; the things that I have craved the most: family and a teaching career, have been pursued (for the most part) without spiritual guidance. I know me and W.Y. used to debate over how much spirituality one needed, but I realize for all my dabbling in politico thought, I mere avoided the spiritual because I was truly afraid of that mirror. Yes, I've faced the man in the mirror, had a test of the spirit, but I've never tested my spirituality.

Big difference.

So tomorrow, I'll attend the special talk and try to go to all the meetings there after. I need to slowly rebuild my spiritual strength. There are things I want in this world and quite honestly only Jah can provide them.

Indeed..its time for less Zhuge, wait. That's not correct. I've been thinking more Niccolò Machiavelli like than Zhuge. No its time for less Machiavelli and more Jah.

Maybe then my peace can last a little longer.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2009
8:36am