A Love Supreme: Final Thoughts

"If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you it was yours.
If not then it was not yours to begin with" ~Old Proverb

I kept a promise today and went outside to get some air and sunshine, and try to shake off the effects of both the BFL Cinco De Mayo celebration but also the flu I seem to have gotten as well. I realize that over the past month I haven't been really positive and upbeat; I know I've gotten on my loved ones nerves and I'm sure I've gotten on your nerves snarky mofo reading this. I think is time I got on my game, start living out the wisdom found at 1 Thessalonians 5:6-7, which tells us to "Always be rejoicing, pray incessantly." I got the last part down pat. I've prayed to Jehovah extensively and incessantly. However I need to get on the rejoicing game. So I figured it was time for a change and time for me to continue on my path of (re)gaining my smile on a full time basis.

This will be the final entry in the Love Supreme series, a summation of the craziness that was April and how it both knocked me on my arse but at the same time helped me find my way back to Jah.

I've written, at nausea, about how losing her made me feel. I've shared my fears and my pains. I've shared the moments in between moments, when the voices talked to me. I still dont understand how it can change so fast, how we can go from the love we shared on Valetine's Day to the position of being uncomfortable in the same room. I think the shift more than anything else is what drove me to saddness, a sadness I've talked about so much. But in doing so I dont show the best of what we had, and if I'm not careful I may end up having to issue another retraction and honestly that's not something I want to do. No, the purpose of this blog is to say thank you and let the world know why I considered her my rib.

Its only fitting that I on this final entry share my joy and let you see a glipse of how the past six months, in spite of the challegens was a time of emense peace and happiness.

Those who are observing both closely and far, really don't understand how this situation could take me down to the level it did. It was argued I've had my heartbroken before, much worst in fact, and I should be able to get over it. I've heard the "I wouldn't want anybody who doesn't love me speech", and I've been blessed with the "haha you got left" speech. So I've heard the gambit of thoughts. Basically the general consensus is that I've been heartbroken on a much larger scale and this should be easily shaken off.

I would agree 100% if that were the case. If this was a heartbreak, an intentional act of evil designed to achieve some goal through emotional and mental distress, I would have shaken it off. I would have written one post and moved on. But it wasnt intentional. It wasnt planned and it isnt a heartbreak.

No, this is something worse. This is feeling comes from losing a love one in death, or who has moved away or when you lose a best friend.

It is genuine sorrow, remorse and sadness.

You see, as I said in the previous blog, I've sometimes taken intellectual and creative liberties to make a point and that gave a flawed picture. Yes our dynamic was problematic, but at the same time it was truly beautiful. I think that is where the frustration came to a boil, when something is so beautiful in a flawed dynamic, you cant help but want to make it perfect. I've only seen this once before in my career, a case where two people who weren't at their best manage to create beauty.

And beautiful it was.

A week or so ago I got envious at her happiness and took it personal. I thought her trying to smile in spite of the storms meant that I wasn't loved or thrown away. Again, that was selfish and fear. True love, which I believe I have for her in abundance, means that I want her happy even if I am not in the happiness circle. I can't claim to love her but only if I can share in/or help make her joy.

This might annoy some people reading and honestly I'm sorry. The fact of the matter is for six months, it was a blessing. I enjoyed ever minute of it and came out of it a helluva lot stronger for it. Did I mess things up totally? Yes. I knew what needed to be done but again I seconded guessed myself and I did the total opposite. Do I think she overreacted(ing) to a lot of this? Yes but again, when one's relationship energy is low then patience for silly shit really isn't going to be given in abundance.

I know I will see my friend again. I do believe somewhere there is hope because dreams conceived in truth will not and can not die.

And what we shared was truth.

So as humanly possible I am letting go. I am going to focus on my goals and smiling more. I understand my dream is important but at the same time so is reality and reality says that today it ain't gonna happen and tomorrow don't look good either.

That enables me to move forward.

I will always cherish the memories and the warmth that for six months I had it. I attained peace and love. Now its time I find that source on my own. But those times will never be forgotten. I grew close to a beautiful young man, who will always have a place at my table as a sun. I dont retract or change that. At a moment when I was hurt by some events this summer, I was brought back, my swagger returned. I was truly loved and I was truly smiled at. It felt good to leave the war politic dynamic. And I will always cherish that memory, that night when she got out the truck, smiling good on her way home from a party and said with the lowest voice and sincerest tone as she hugged me "I love you". I've heard those three words hundreds of times. That time it was different. No disrepect to anyone. But when you feel the difference, you feel the difference.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2009
3:23am