Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

150

Maze (with the help of Joe) can express what this day means much better than I can....

without further adieu, yet another simple TRUTH.....

I Can't Get Over You

I know I bought it on myself
I owe no blame to no one else
And now I realize
I can't get over you
And though I do my very best
I just can't find happiness
And it's all because
I can't get over you

Hey baby why oh why
Thinking of you makes me cry
Matter how I try
I'm gonna love you by and by
By and by baby

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I don't know what to do I
Can't get over you

I guess you'll always have a part
Somewhere deep in my heart
It's just to hard to hide
I can't get over you
I tried to lose myself in song
But the ties are much to strong
What I'm I going to do
I can't get over you

It makes feel so bad
Messin up the love we had
There's one thing I know
I will always love you so
Love you so baby Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you

Thanks Maze...I owe you one...
(I would have used you Jackie, but I figured Maze and Joe was a lil better)

The struggle continues, in spirit, when physical is not appropriate,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-4-2009
12:30am

The Duel of Fates: Early Encounters

To be continued.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-29-2009
12:41am

The Duel of Fates: On Thy Honor

"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.

In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.

Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.

Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?

The issue at hand is one of integrity.

My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.

But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.

So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"

It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.

But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.

I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."

I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.

The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."

The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.

The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.

The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.

I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.

It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.

*pause*
And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW
TLT
*play*

It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.

I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them.
A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.

Real talk right there

and sorry for the length

The Duel of Fates Rages on....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-20-2009
12:35am

The Duel of Fates: The Winds of Change.

"T will all due respect"~[Classified: Security Protocols Activated]

Just got a text message that hurt like hell and kinda got me twisted.

No long blog today. It is a very emotional afternoon that will and can be summed up in a simple question I was asked today:

"Will you be like King Saul, fighting the winds of change, cursing the heavens, being disobedient and seeking the help of the "Star" forever tarnishing your legacy?"

OR

"Will you be like Moses, standing tall, accepting the change, leaving with dignity, decency and enjoying the view of the promise land with your legacy secure?"




Tis the Duel of Fates....

Saul or Moses.....

TLT
8-5-2009
12:40pm

120

Indeed.

The Struggle, Journey and Mission Continues......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-4-2009
12:01am

Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

"Two Truths and Lie" or "Uh Let me Explain"

"Just let your word YES mean YES, your NO, NO
for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one." ~Matthew 5:37

War.Clouds.Judgment. I've said that over a hundred times this past month. It is a lesson I've learned but sometimes forget to apply; honestly after losing big this month I had better gain discernment in the matter because for every moment I allow these clouds to linger is another moment I can and will make irreversible mistakes.

With that said....

I've been blogging for some time now, first on Myspace and then on Blogspot. My writing has been a source of therapy for me and I'm sure a source of entertainment for the dozens of my snarky mofo fans out there. When I write, it's how I feel at the moment, my rawest emotions, sometimes well thought out, sometimes a rant equivalent to Tupac's Hit em up, but its still none the less me. I realize moments pass and moods switch, but I love to see what my thought process was during a trial, happy moment, victory or defeat. It is for this reason I refuse to apologize for the contents of my blog, and will clown you if you attempt to put any kind of censorship on my blog. I also believe that once I hit this publish post button, what I've put out there is accepted as truth and no amount of explanation or clarifications will change the initial reaction. This is what started the whole shty storm in the first place, me sending an email that said both some harsh things and some loving things. As per the right of the receiver, she told it how IT MADE HER FEEL, even if I cleaned it up a bit.

This is why I've NEVER written a retraction or even a sincere apology because well these are my words and feelings and honestly people are going to take it how they want.

Yet for all the talk about MY words, MY blog, my, my my, I forgot a simple truth found in both Proverbs 15:1 and in Matthew 12:34. Look them up. Both of these scriptures tell us how to speak, how to defuse tense situations and most important that what comes out of your mouth reflects whats in your heart even for a moment. Since I am walking closer to Jehovah and the light of truth, I have to remember that in my future writings and even on occasion review some older posts which may have stung.

In doing this I realized my recent entry DISAVOWED, was really nothing more than a self indulgent artist expression sorta like Erykah Badu's last album, but without all the bs philosophies and knee deep in pity party emotions.

In that piece I lamented how: my crew turned their backs on me, how Queen left me for dead, and how folks where unjustifiably taunting me. Those were my feelings for that moment.

Yet in that moment of pity, or rather pity seeking, I wasn't totally honest and took a lot of creative liberates. I feel back on the notion of "a certain point of view" and in doing so I upset a shit load of people.

The truth is BFL didnt rally to my side not because they didnt care, but they understood as painful as this situation was, as hurt (not heartbroken) as I was, I had come through more. As I was told at the Cinco De Mayo celebration on Tuesday, I was a survivor, a fighter, and a scholar. They simple thought that once I got it through my thick arse head to fall back and chill, I'd save my kingdom. So what I took as "abandonment", was nothing more than "I know you can beat this champ" kinda encouragement. Had I taken the time to stop, pause, think, ask, and then write I wouldn't have hurt my crew who has loved me for ten plus years.

My queen hasn't ignored me, she just hasnt responded how I wanted and said what I needed to hear. Honestly when I saw her at the celebration, I saw the sadness in her eyes and understood why she stays away and why she doesn't respond in the manner I want her too. That is key because she does/do/will respond if I truly need her, but she is doing something I never learned to do and that is protect the emotional and mental investment of her heart and mind. Her eyes was not of hate and scorn but disappointment and confusion. Where was the King she longed to see, the king that she hopped of the truck that night to see and gave the most passionate I love you and kiss too.

He's been missing since Feb 28th. He's been focusing on all the wrong things and he's just been plain whack. I'm not saying she didn't make mistakes or hasn't been a bit stubborn, but what I am saying is the Teacher she feel in love with was supplanted by the King and he was a total asshole. Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. But yet she keeps subtly reaching out. As painful as it is to type and admit this, if she has moved on she has deserved it. If she has forgotten about me then I have deserved it. Nickjack once told me that I push and push and push and sometimes I push the wrong button and then damn, I'm here a month out typing this instead of enjoying the weather with her and my suns. Lessons learned, meaning made, personality profile updated.

Lastly, I can't be mad at W.Y, S.B. or anybody else who is laughing at my utter fall out. I willfully shitted on a lot of folks for Queen, and its pretty arrogant to think I wasn't going to have some kind of repercussions. I'm lucky, to be honest, one of them didn't plant a blade in my neck. So while I whined about how their mocking me, I need to remember that I threw their championship belt in the trash on Monday Nitro. (Hmmm, that analogy just gave me an idea for my next blog series. Good job at self motivation) I acted careless and this is simply the consequence of my actions. I'm not saying I made a mistake in leaving, that was still the best decision I've ever made, what I am saying is I could have been a little more respectful and careful and for that I apologize.

With this blog, the entry disavowed is retcon'ed. Its from an alternate history. Its like Bobby Ewing in the shower. It didn't happen.

To BFL I'm sorry, to the scorned ones I'm sorry and to Queen well I would say I'm sorry but I've apologized so much its almost meaningless. Oh what the hell. I'm deeply sorry.

Now I need to go lay down, this flu is killing me

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-7-2009
8:45pm

Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm

One more match....

In time all things time will reveal~ Brian McKnight

An analogy....

I hear a knock at my door...time to go ...

I walk through the locker room....nods of approval greet me.

This is it. I've trained, readied my mind and studied the tapes. I've thought and thought and thought and I cant think no more.

No more reflections or pondering. It is time...

I walk to the curtain. My music blasts...the crowd cheers.

This is what it means to be Terrance...

I walk out...and towards fate...

An Acknowledgment.....

So this is the moment of truth, where all things will be revealed and where I will finally either succeed or fail; where I either achieve my dream or have to defer it.

I once read anticipation of death is worse than death itself; I don't think that applies only to the situation of death. Waiting on a response in general can be taxing. Waiting on a response from a job

or friend

or enemy

or loved one

is so intense, so pronounced that it can cripple you. Even as I type this my hands shake because I don't know.

Sun Tzu said something to the effect of confronting the unprepared or unknown with preparation, but how do I prepare when the waiting is crippling. I do think this is where faith comes in at, but I admit I'm so low on faith its utterly ridiculous.

In less than 24 hours I will sit across from someone dear and either I will find the words or I will not; either I will or will not. Do or do not there is no try.

I sit in my room and I run through a myriad of different stratagems and strategies.

But I realize that no plot will work. No amount of scheming will work.

Either I do it or I don't. Tomorrow the light will shine or the night will come. I've accepted my fate either way.

There are those close to me who will tell me not to do it, to walk away and forget.

There are those who will question me and my desire to fight. There are those who don't understand once more into the breach.

As I often stated I may not be the smartest, or the handsomest or the richest, or even the best, but I promise you there is nobody with more determination, with more fire, with more zeal for his goals than me. I will never quit, I will not lay on my back, I will continue to claw and fight until my energy is spent. That is what I do.

But is it logical? Is it love? And what happens if my will and spirit can not match my heart?

I don't know. This will be the longest 24hrs of my life.

There are no voices to comfort me. There is only my skills and my heart.

Everything I've fought to become and trained for has been for this moment. There will be no do overs. No miscues. No excuses.

I asked for answers. Now Jah will give them.

A small smile comes across my face....one more time...

I hope my eyes have returned to normal.

God, I'm scared.

Protect me and my heart Jah.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-22-2009
10:45am

Sins of the Father Pt. 7: Resolution

"What greater weapon is there than to turn an enemy to YOUR cause?
To use their own knowledge against them?" ~Bastila Shan

OK, I've whipped up a breakfast worthy of a Black College student: reheated Swai fish, oriental vegetables in teryikai sauce with red beans and rice; to wash it down I've got a bottle of cran-apple juice that was left over from my vodka splurge. I also uh..."mediated" while listening to the rain. I really wonder if I am going to be able to make it. I still sad.

So I've eaten, drunken and am merry, let's get back to my story.

OK to the story...

So I haven't spoken with anybody on my father' s side since Dec. 22 2006, I've ignored numerous requests to build, to sit down, to talk. Honestly there wasn't anything to discuss, my mother was disrespected at my father's funeral no less. There was nothing to talk about.

Fast forward a couple of years....I am in the process of transferring my sons out of their suburban schools and into a new CPS school. Since my wonderful boys are uppity suburbans kids I was looking for a way to give them a lesson in negro-ology; helping to them to learn rather quickly the norms and ways of the hood and niggerdoms so they can survive this transition and so I wont kill somebody's child or some child's parent.

I spent the weekend with my boys, technology free pondering this problem; I needed to find a resolution quickly and low and behold an answer would appear in the form of my brother. I had all of the children this weekend and he wanted to me to bring my niece by so they could go to a party on my cousins on dad's side was throwing. He also asked if I could end the embargo and at least let the boys come.

This provided the perfect opportunity to train them in the ways of niggerness. I said I would come along to monitor, but not participate.

Upon my arrival my two older cousins broke down in tears. They were happy to see me and pleaded with me to end my embargo. I told them no, I would not be returning on a full time basis, however I would be around as long as it took my suns to be integrated into the family and then I would be ghost.

But then I saw someone who shook me to my core, to made me re-think all of my bitterness and anger and hostility. I saw my younger cousin Quenisha, aka Queen, who has been on my hip since she was a baby. If there is a family member who probably can soften my heart it is Queeny.

We hug and she begins to cry. She asks me where I have been, letting me know my presence was missed by the younger cousins. "We really didn't have nobody to talk to. You the smartest one." That kind of compliment both warms your heart and weighs on your soul as you reflect on your actions.

We sit down, still teary eyes and I ask Queeny how she's been and she process to tell me her life over the past 2 plus years. She had school problems, she was rapped and my older aunts refused to get her therapy so she "wont relive it", she needed advise on men, and she wants to go to college next year when she graduates but is being dissuaded from doing so.

I shook my head. Then I remembered the lesson from this past week: War clouds Judgement. In waging my war, I didn't think about the children, mine and theirs who need the bond and needed my guidance. I never thought that I'd be seen or had been saw as some kind of person to aspire too.

The fact is I was a role model and something different, a break from the norm, a window to a world they may or may not ever see.

It was in this revelation that I also figured out how I can break a cycle and win a war. If you remember snarky mofo reading this, when the Israelites got on Jah's nerves bitching about hardships of freedom and had no faith he decreed none of the adults save for Joshua and Caleb would see the promise land. To be concise Jah vowed that none over the age of 20 would see the promise land. These two facts have helped shape my new policy on my father's people.

First, as of this past weekend I no longer will hold any amenity to an entire group. To be exact like Jah, nobody under the age of 22, (as of his death) will be punished for the mistakes of the elders. I also believe at their age they lacked discernment and maturity to understand what was going on and to make decisions themselves. I also am not applied my beef to four of my cousins, Yogi, Shawn, Tanya, and Antonio who is locked up but managed to write my mother ever day. In terms of my aunts the two that paid her respect will also be forgiven.

Wow that is such a weight off of my chest.

I also realize the greatest insult in a sick way to them is to help the next generation be better. Help Queeny go away to school and escape the madness she wants to escape. I want Bre to be an honor roll student. I want them to be fine young men and women. Wouldn't it be ironic that the one person they cant stand is the one person who helps their children grown?

I want all of them, esp Queeny to grown into fine adults. I want the ignorance in that family to die.

I think its a win win.

This weekend I am going to go to lunch with Queeny. We're gonna sit down and discuss life, dating hopes and dreams.

Maybe helping her will prepare me for mine.

Maybe helping her will heal my heart. I don't know.

I do know is I'm sorry I made the youngins suffer. War clouds judgment.

Indeed it does.

I wonder if Queeny would like Chinese food?

Time to expand her world view

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
11:30am

A Love Supreme Pt. 4: Not Easily Broken

"You slighted Jah by not seeking his guidance in the first place"
~Ishmariablanca

Yesterday, I entered into a conversation with my friend about how the memorial and the subsequent events of Thursday reminded me that it was not God that left me, but rather I left him and how I wanted to heal that rift between my creator and myself. She remained me that it required no grand plan to think of, just simply ask, change (or try to change) my ways and he will respond.

I continued the dialog with my mother, who while can be a bit overbearing about the conversation concerning God, did query how I could be so "stiff necked" as to not seek him in things that matter to me. She pointed out how Queen and I should have been came to the Hall if that is what we were trying to build, a family, because it starts with Jah and then works backwards. We don't start with us then find him. She offered the cliched but infallible argument of a foundation: did we wish to build it on a rock mass with strong materials to survive the storms or did we wish to build a shack that could barely stand the rain.


Damn, what does that make the score?
Tony 1,243,561, Terrance 10.



I remember seeing a movie back in January called "Not Easily Broken"; ironically it was a movie she and I were supposed to see, but somehow ended up not going. I really wish we had gone. I suck at movie reviews but basically it's about a young Black couple who go through trials and tribulations as they begin to focus on all the things, pursue all goals, and listen to all the wrong people as opposed to doing what needs to be done: drawing close to each other and growing with God. The title comes from the scripture found at Ecclesiastes 4:12. That scripture reads:

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This can be applied to a number of situations, in the context of the movie it was speaking of marriages. When properly applied to marriages it simply means that the husband and wife make up the first two cords and God needs to be the third cord which of course then makes the whole thing "not easily broken". Interesting formula for marriages and relationships seeking to become marriages. Seek comfort and strengthen in each other, then that unit seek comfort, strengthen and wisdom in God.

Heh. Gotta love Jah.

*pause*
Maybe Ms J or Ishamaria or one of yall will write a review. I'm a social critic and political scientist NOT Roger Ebert damn it.

*play*
Not unlike those Tyler Perry "shitcoms" and "movies"; T.D. Jakes really had a point. Its wasn't all the man's fault (i.e. Tyler) or all the woman's fault (modern hip hop culture) , but rather they both had equal blame in the potential demise of their relationship. Instead of seeking Jah's wisdom, she asked her old bitter snarky mama. Instead of building with his wife, he built with another woman.

Luckily, and with an ending that made me tear up they figured it out, got back together, ate chicken, had sex, and raised a family all with Jah's blessing.

Heh..good shit. Almost made me cry. OK I did cry when I got home.

Contrary to my public persona and my advance degree in snarkology I DO love happy endings.

Ok...I went off on a tangent. But as I was saying, it made me realize that WHEN we do come back we're going to get that third cord. I accept we're both heathens and the mere thought of it (going into a house of worship) probably burns us up (literally) but for it to work we need the creator of worlds. We need the source.

Honestly, I need the source for a lot of things, not just her or any relationship . A son approaching teenage years, guidance in making my moves and favor so I can start teaching. I think by him answering my prayer Thursday or at the very least revealing to me the truth was his way of giving me a sign I often craved. I need him.

For years I was advised by people more spiritual than myself to return to my roots and start my walk from there. I think I'm going to try that again, albeit slowly and without much snark.

It is amazing when I sit back and think about it; the things that I have craved the most: family and a teaching career, have been pursued (for the most part) without spiritual guidance. I know me and W.Y. used to debate over how much spirituality one needed, but I realize for all my dabbling in politico thought, I mere avoided the spiritual because I was truly afraid of that mirror. Yes, I've faced the man in the mirror, had a test of the spirit, but I've never tested my spirituality.

Big difference.

So tomorrow, I'll attend the special talk and try to go to all the meetings there after. I need to slowly rebuild my spiritual strength. There are things I want in this world and quite honestly only Jah can provide them.

Indeed..its time for less Zhuge, wait. That's not correct. I've been thinking more Niccolò Machiavelli like than Zhuge. No its time for less Machiavelli and more Jah.

Maybe then my peace can last a little longer.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2009
8:36am

A Love Supreme Pt. 3: Good Day in the Light

"Do this in remembrance of me"~Jesus Christ

These are the days that make me smile; the one day out of many the real victories that hold back the darkness.

In spite of the 3am lucid dream today was a good day. The sun was shining, pretty and bright; I was in a good mood.

In spite of all that's happened I am still standing. I am a Soul Survivor. I am a redeemer. This is what I do and who I am.

No vodka, despite my sincerest desire, no tears in spite of my sorrow. No nasty text messages or snarky blogs.

It was just the light.

As you all should know by now my mother is devout Jehovah's Witness. Depending on who you ask I am a latent one. I just have reconciled my need for Black Culture 24, politics and vodka with the requirements of the organization. But if I ever could I most certainly become one. I do believe that they, more than anybody else got it figured out.

With that said today was the memorial of Christ's Death. Its a once a year event that brings my family together. Due to some recent complications this year it was just the Queen mother, myself and my heirs. It was also her birthday and while she doesn't celebrate it, I can think of no other gift for her than to spend this day with her son and his heirs.

To illustrate how special this day is to me I rarely take people who aren't important. In fact in all the women I've dated only two have gone; the queen was supposed to go tonight but our recent problems..namely my tantrum last Friday cancelled her appearance. (And yes my sons complained about that too.)

In was a fulfilling experience as it reminded me that I have to some degree lost my faith where it counts and who I should have faith in both spiritually and otherwise. Like the Pharisees of old, I've grown complacent in my "intellect" and "wisdom". I forget to "seek first the kingdom and all other things will be given to you". I've forgotten faith without works is dead. I got work down pat. Faith is kinda iffy.

Its a piece that's been missing from em for a while, I do think if I had truly applied Godly principles to me and [classified] we'd be in a different place. I do believe that if I have thought more like Jehovah and less like Zhuge Liang I wont have hurt some many people and have so many enemies coming back seeking retribution.

I do miss the Hall and the people. I do. I also think my overly snarky preteens could use a good dose of religion.

It will give me something to think about tonight.

Seek first the kingdom...one helluva message.

Then as almost one cue, as almost to validate his promise I received something to make me smile and give my faith just another boost.

Its never as bad as we think, even when its bad as we think.

"Make the truth you own" the Queen mother admonishes me. In.all.things.

Tonight, while still sad by the events of this week I've truly be awaken. My sadness is passing which means my writing will trickle and stop.

Tonight for the first time in a week I smiled.

Thank you Jah...for everything.

Oh and btw, you were missed. Your presence was truly missed. Mom says you owe next year. She said you'll be around.


Nite blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
4-9-2009
11:30pm