So this morning's topic is resolutions.
Late yesterday I talked on the phone with my elder Uncle C.M. who is our relationship guru in Black Studies. I mean this man is utterly brilliant. I've adopted a lot of policies from him like the ability to compromise (there was a time I didn't compromise in a relationship at.all.), best leadership (which seeks to dismantle gender roles which may not be in the best interest of the relationship)* and not going to sleep angry. I had already forwarded him the file on me and [classified] so when I sat down with him he had a LOT of things to say. I really was thankful for this because I truly believe our generation really don't know much, we're arrogant and not built for protracted struggle, that's part of the reason we cant save our communities. The elders are, but sadly their getting older and cant function on the front lines...damn I digressed. My apologies. Basically, what I'm saying is in certain matters and the heart is one of them, I try to actively seek the wisdom of people who've been married and happy for a number of years. My single, bitter, homies can't offer much insight. I mean really. I know you dudes. BFL niggaz.
Uncle C.M's insight was bittersweet. He affirmed my belief that this could work. He is usually right on the money. He affirmed that there is "no easy button." Yet he affirmed that my notion of struggle, is rooted in an arrogance I carry, being the "Soul Survivor" and "Comeback Kid". In fact his exact words to me were "You are very arrogant. You've won a few battles, you've done some things that most people didn't expect you to, but you're not the smartest muthafucka in the room."
Damn.
But I can see that. I've done that often in my dating scenarios and I damn sure did it in my relationship too. I do believe surviving the longest night and the build up to the longest night gives me insight and discernment. I do think most folks would have folded. But really how do I know that? More importantly, while it might have been traumatic, it most certainly IS NOT the only situation one has to overcome.
Good point. Guilty as charged.
What he said the basic problem was is that neither of us was willing to make the sacrifice required in a relationship: Individuality. While laughing, he mentioned he never seen to people who profess to love each other so much use the words I, Me, My. He pointed out that for my hyperbole, I was not willing to give up my rigid defense system needed in a new dynamic, while some shit said and done was definitely difficult I should have washed over it. But my arrogance and unwillingness to surrender that part my individuality was not productive.
Our conversation was three hours, but here's what i got from the notes, and yes I took notes because he truly is a scholar and when a scholar speaks you take notes. Here's the main points:
- You can't have a dynamic with both parties have one foot out the door. In terms of me, that one foot out the door was waiting on "the problem" to arise, and when something connected to what I saw as a problem arouse, I freaked out.
- While compromise is important, what's equally important is knowing what to compromise. In essence, my policy reversals were not in line with my personality she grown to know and it really makes me look unstable. Its admirable to seek the middle ground but I need to be mindful always when and where to apply this.
- I need to stay off the net, blogging aside. In fact I'm going to take a break from that. He reminded me things get lost in translation and there is a such thing as a couple who is too connected to the net. He told me point blank there is a serious problem if you update Facebook or blog first thing in the AM and not call your mate.
- Get over it. He said that to me several times about a number of situations. I've heard that before from a female elder in terms of us. He told me in essence I need to get over "petty" insults, and reminded me I was trained in the house of OH, and most of the stuff I've bitched about isn't even petty insulted but miscues. Miscues happen in new dynamics.
- Neither one of us had to acknowledge or rather deal with the other's past for any reason, or the issues that may arise. Our focus was/should have been the present. That (or past) was our past and our cross to bear. So no she didn't have to understand my crazy anonymous blog stalkers any more than I had to acknowledge her past. I had to understand it but acknowledge didn't need to be in our repertoire.
- In terms of co parenting, I need to mind my business. As long no abuse place was taking or they were creeping behind my back that need not be my active concern.
- This is long.
- Not talking about the problem won't make it go away, and one of us needs to stop the b.s. and call or email. We wrote and put a lot of beautiful things in the universe in front of the creator; we need to resolve that in nothing more than to save the friendship and to ensure our boys stay connected. *folds arms. I ain't calling*
- Get over ourselves. I've heard this at least 60 times but the way he said it was like really painful. He laid a critique out to honest and brutal I ain't gonna post it, but basically said it ain't that serious for either of us, and there are couples with real problems going through real shit and all this new age theatrics aside it ain't that serious. None of it.
That line stays with me. Ishamariablanca said it, my mother aunt said it, BFL said it. I mean a few comments which I didn't post said it. Get over yourself. Ourselves.
As crazy as this shit has been, and its been a while ride, when I look at it from the lens of other people, my loved ones who are gonna tell me truth like The Emperor or the Uncle I can see that.
These men have gone through some real shit, and honestly our complexities ain't shit to them. I felt bad wasting 3 hrs of his life when it was really simple. We need to sit down, hold hands, talk it over and say as middle sun advocated I'm sorry. Before anything else we had a beautiful friendship, more important we are two stubborn coons who love each other. That warrants a sit down, like adults, with a couple of bottles and get it ALL OUT. As Uncle said we'll either come out of this meeting stronger and back on track, or at the very least saved the friendship.
Stubbornness is really not a productive trait, neither is my self righteous snarky posturing at this moment.
I guess that is why I entitled this resolution. I do think once the anger and emotion, my wonderfully rolling emotions subside then we'll truly be alright. Today, as much as human possible and logical, I am over it...in terms of being mad. I'm sad that I've lost two weeks on this nonsense, I'm sad my suns missed their friend, but anger and disappointment is finished.
I am sorry and I do apologize.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-16-2009
10:20am
*Author's note: This was supposed to be a two part piece about a conversation I had with two people yesterday about how I did them, but suddenly I got lazy and I decided I'll comeback later. Its nice outside and posting to you people is making me miss my day.
:D
TLT*
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