GOODBYE April Showers, HELLO May Flowers!

On this day, I see clearly.
Everything has come to life.
A bitter place, in a broken dream.
And we'll leave it all behind.

On this day its so real to me.
Everything has come to life.
Another chance to chase a dream.
Another chance to feel.
Chance to feel alive.

I'll never long for what might have been.
Now regret won't waste my life again.
I won't look back,
I'll fight to remain ~Alter Bridge

Good friggin riddance April! Bye, so long. See you next year!

I don't think I've ever waited on a month to end like I have this past April. Where February used to be my month of misfortune, I do think April has supplanted that. I mean wow first the lost of the Black Studies Conference and then the total breakdown of my kingdom, Black Jesus must have truly been in a jokey mood. Seriously, I felt like the Apostle Paul on Damascus. While I am not saying I've written Paul like Gospels, I do understand the experience indeed.

I learned a lot about myself this past April. I learned that I still have a long way to go in balancing my need to tell the truth against the greater good; my need to be heard against decency and dignity. I learned that a lot of my theories on relationships and politics have flaws, and I learned that despite many warnings over the years I still fight the wrong battles. Perhaps though, the most important lesson was that my concerns were justified: I'm rarely "beaten" by external forces but rather internal turmoil and my own short comings namely arrogance.

I reviewed my blogs from the month of April, and with this post I would have effectively blogged every day this month. I'm not sure why this situation bothered me so much or why I felt compelled to fight so hard, but I did. It's funny that I didn't write this much when my father died, so if my using writing as an outlet is ANY indication, this might have impacted me just as great as that event (his passing).

I'm lying though. I know why I fought hard. I fought hard because I believe(d) in it. I believe(d) in our team and our union. I saw(see) the potential. I saw(see) the Ebony cover. I saw(see) the Blue and White wedding. I felt(feel) that. I've pondered marriage and love before, but never was it so real. It's funny, sitting on that couch, talking and debating were some of the only times my chest didn't feel like it was on fire. Very ironic really that a situation can both make my chest thump and quiet it down. I may need to study that.

When you go back and trace your mistakes and mistakes of loved ones hindsight is definitely 20/20. While I am taking FULL responsibility for my errors, I do believe there is enough FUBARs to go around. In retrospect, a lot of it was simply new relationship rough patches, not the major international incidents I(we) made them. I guess that should have been the first sign that my(our) energy was lower than I thought because a lot of the things that miffed me(us), now seem so petty.

As I said earlier, I'm kinda glad Jehovah burnt out my kicker. I really am. I would have kept at it until I was in a box. I don't like losing, I don't like unfairly losing and I don't like not being given a fair change. Time and history will judge if my change was fair or my lost just, right now I will accept it as is. Right now I'm trying to bask in God's love and mercy and get my energy back, heal these wounds and try to teach.

Last week I sat across from my friend, my former queen, my angel and I laid out how I felt in adult terms and clear language. I told her what I hoped and how I think Jah can fix this. I made a plea not for a second chance but a new chance. I remember telling someone paradigm shifts are essential to evolution. My suggestion was laughed at. That shift was seen as b.s. It never occurred and subsequently we didn't evolve. Regrettably when things don't or refuse to evolve they die or become obsolete. I hope this isn't the case now.

But even if the sun has set and my ship has gone and sailed away there is a lot to be thankful for. In spite of it all tis was six damn good months. Tis was beautiful, even if it was flawed. I got to say goodbye on my terms and like the man she remembered and I know I am, with smiles and a hugs, not rage filled eyes. I finally took my teachers exam. I am earnestly in the career market. All in all things ended a lost better than I suspected or hoped.

Still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say my troubled dynamic didn't occupy a good chuck of my mind. I remember a question I once posed to Nickjack: "If the flawed is beautiful imagine what would happen once its perfected ?" I think that is truth or rather truth is found in that answer.

But most appropriately, that decision is not mine to make. Jah has taken this situation and he will render final judgment, not only on these matters but in all matters. His perfect wisdom, justice, laws and understanding will ensure the proper outcome. The final result will be his.

And only the mistakes have been/will be mine.

It's been a long time since I've admitted that.

It felt good to make that truth my own.

I'm taking May off....see you June 1 blogspot. Until then may Jah bless and keep you in his favor.

Straight, No Chaser
4-30-2009
11:59pm

Going Home

"Rather, store up treasures for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is your heart will also be."
~Matthew 6:20-21

I reached a decision today. Well not actually today, but rather a decision that has been a long time coming.

I have decided to go back and dedicate my life to Jah.

This time for me and me alone. No parents, no woman, no points to prove.

I'm going back cause I need him. I'm tired and slowly losing my life force.

I need him because the son of the mourning won't quit until I yield and I can't beat him.

Its really no surprise to those who truly know and love me. It's always been there.

It's always been there even when I didn't agree or understand supported the work, theology and mission.

So the question was not of if but one of when. When was I going to do this.

I decided to do it last week, when I realized that my lack of success wasn't due to my skills or lack thereof, but rather a lack of energy. I my engine just gave out, figuratively and almost literally. I felt my heart palpitating, I felt my shortness of breathe. I felt life leaving me.

It's a scary feeling to fight so long your life force leaves or rather you just can't go on.

I thought about the recent challenges in my life and honesty, I've had darker days than this, I've overcome so much more yet this seemed so insurmountable because I didn't have the energy.

I didn't have energy because I lacked faith in even the basic sense. I only trusted my own eyes and my own intellect.

Your eyes can deceive you, man's intellect is fallible. I was doomed to fail before I began.

I also decided to walk back to Jah because I carry a lot of guilt and pain from things past. I want these emotions and feelings gone. I am tired of losing sleep over lost loved ones and failed dynamics. I want a full 8 hrs of sleep and I want them without having to cuddle with somebody or my sons.

I want to sleep on my own. Only Jah can provide me with that.

Lastly, I want a family. I know this. But its obvious I lack discernment and the skills to make this so. In spite of all my plans, plots, stratagems, and shenanigans didn't stop any disasters and didn't make anybody stick around. Its time I seek first the kingdom so all things can be given unto me.

I realized Thursday and affirmed it Friday that I haven't lost; I just was fighting the wrong battle. AGAIN. I realized that I understood all along, that by fighting at all I lost. There was no battle. There was no challenges. I "lost" because I had no faith, I was setback because all I trusted was my own ideas and that really isn't love.

Jah showed me that I couldn't fight anymore, in fact he wouldn't allow me to fight anymore. I do think he caused my engine to give out because I, in my arrogance, wouldn't yield, wouldn't quit, wouldn't stop fighting.

And that made him sad I'm sure, instead of loving life, I was always fighting, always looking for the challenge. He asked me, in 1 Corinthians 7:15 not to live in war. SO he burned out the engine. He stopped me before I made a mess of things. I truly thank him for that. So, now in spite of my arrogance and stubbornness I am being given another shot by Jah to turn it around.

Now its time for me to make the truth my own. Its time for me to go to the infinitely renewable power source. Its time for me to, as I said before, study Jah over Zhuge.

Its time for me to grow up spirituality.

Thank you God.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-24-2009
11:30pm

One more match....

In time all things time will reveal~ Brian McKnight

An analogy....

I hear a knock at my door...time to go ...

I walk through the locker room....nods of approval greet me.

This is it. I've trained, readied my mind and studied the tapes. I've thought and thought and thought and I cant think no more.

No more reflections or pondering. It is time...

I walk to the curtain. My music blasts...the crowd cheers.

This is what it means to be Terrance...

I walk out...and towards fate...

An Acknowledgment.....

So this is the moment of truth, where all things will be revealed and where I will finally either succeed or fail; where I either achieve my dream or have to defer it.

I once read anticipation of death is worse than death itself; I don't think that applies only to the situation of death. Waiting on a response in general can be taxing. Waiting on a response from a job

or friend

or enemy

or loved one

is so intense, so pronounced that it can cripple you. Even as I type this my hands shake because I don't know.

Sun Tzu said something to the effect of confronting the unprepared or unknown with preparation, but how do I prepare when the waiting is crippling. I do think this is where faith comes in at, but I admit I'm so low on faith its utterly ridiculous.

In less than 24 hours I will sit across from someone dear and either I will find the words or I will not; either I will or will not. Do or do not there is no try.

I sit in my room and I run through a myriad of different stratagems and strategies.

But I realize that no plot will work. No amount of scheming will work.

Either I do it or I don't. Tomorrow the light will shine or the night will come. I've accepted my fate either way.

There are those close to me who will tell me not to do it, to walk away and forget.

There are those who will question me and my desire to fight. There are those who don't understand once more into the breach.

As I often stated I may not be the smartest, or the handsomest or the richest, or even the best, but I promise you there is nobody with more determination, with more fire, with more zeal for his goals than me. I will never quit, I will not lay on my back, I will continue to claw and fight until my energy is spent. That is what I do.

But is it logical? Is it love? And what happens if my will and spirit can not match my heart?

I don't know. This will be the longest 24hrs of my life.

There are no voices to comfort me. There is only my skills and my heart.

Everything I've fought to become and trained for has been for this moment. There will be no do overs. No miscues. No excuses.

I asked for answers. Now Jah will give them.

A small smile comes across my face....one more time...

I hope my eyes have returned to normal.

God, I'm scared.

Protect me and my heart Jah.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-22-2009
10:45am

Old School Mood...

No blog just a morning play list that I was listening to while doing some work.

A Love Supreme: Resolutions

Morning Blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this. Yesterday turned out to be a very positive day in spite of some mild emotional bumps I took. Before I begin I gotta give a shout out to my elders, Ishamariablanca and my younger brother who let me lounge on the Xbox360 while I waited on a phone interview. That truly was a therapeutic three hours of my life ya dig?

So this morning's topic is resolutions.

Late yesterday I talked on the phone with my elder Uncle C.M. who is our relationship guru in Black Studies. I mean this man is utterly brilliant. I've adopted a lot of policies from him like the ability to compromise (there was a time I didn't compromise in a relationship at.all.), best leadership (which seeks to dismantle gender roles which may not be in the best interest of the relationship)* and not going to sleep angry. I had already forwarded him the file on me and [classified] so when I sat down with him he had a LOT of things to say. I really was thankful for this because I truly believe our generation really don't know much, we're arrogant and not built for protracted struggle, that's part of the reason we cant save our communities. The elders are, but sadly their getting older and cant function on the front lines...damn I digressed. My apologies. Basically, what I'm saying is in certain matters and the heart is one of them, I try to actively seek the wisdom of people who've been married and happy for a number of years. My single, bitter, homies can't offer much insight. I mean really. I know you dudes. BFL niggaz.

Uncle C.M's insight was bittersweet. He affirmed my belief that this could work. He is usually right on the money. He affirmed that there is "no easy button." Yet he affirmed that my notion of struggle, is rooted in an arrogance I carry, being the "Soul Survivor" and "Comeback Kid". In fact his exact words to me were "You are very arrogant. You've won a few battles, you've done some things that most people didn't expect you to, but you're not the smartest muthafucka in the room."

Damn.

But I can see that. I've done that often in my dating scenarios and I damn sure did it in my relationship too. I do believe surviving the longest night and the build up to the longest night gives me insight and discernment. I do think most folks would have folded. But really how do I know that? More importantly, while it might have been traumatic, it most certainly IS NOT the only situation one has to overcome.

Good point. Guilty as charged.

What he said the basic problem was is that neither of us was willing to make the sacrifice required in a relationship: Individuality. While laughing, he mentioned he never seen to people who profess to love each other so much use the words I, Me, My. He pointed out that for my hyperbole, I was not willing to give up my rigid defense system needed in a new dynamic, while some shit said and done was definitely difficult I should have washed over it. But my arrogance and unwillingness to surrender that part my individuality was not productive.

Our conversation was three hours, but here's what i got from the notes, and yes I took notes because he truly is a scholar and when a scholar speaks you take notes. Here's the main points:

• You can't have a dynamic with both parties have one foot out the door. In terms of me, that one foot out the door was waiting on "the problem" to arise, and when something connected to what I saw as a problem arouse, I freaked out.
  
• While compromise is important, what's equally important is knowing what to compromise. In essence, my policy reversals were not in line with my personality she grown to know and it really makes me look unstable. Its admirable to seek the middle ground but I need to be mindful always when and where to apply this.
• I need to stay off the net, blogging aside. In fact I'm going to take a break from that. He reminded me things get lost in translation and there is a such thing as a couple who is too connected to the net. He told me point blank there is a serious problem if you update Facebook or blog first thing in the AM and not call your mate.
  
• Get over it. He said that to me several times about a number of situations. I've heard that before from a female elder in terms of us. He told me in essence I need to get over "petty" insults, and reminded me I was trained in the house of OH, and most of the stuff I've bitched about isn't even petty insulted but miscues. Miscues happen in new dynamics.
• Neither one of us had to acknowledge or rather deal with the other's past for any reason, or the issues that may arise. Our focus was/should have been the present. That (or past) was our past and our cross to bear. So no she didn't have to understand my crazy anonymous blog stalkers any more than I had to acknowledge her past. I had to understand it but acknowledge didn't need to be in our repertoire.
• In terms of co parenting, I need to mind my business. As long no abuse place was taking or they were creeping behind my back that need not be my active concern.
• This is long.
• Not talking about the problem won't make it go away, and one of us needs to stop the b.s. and call or email. We wrote and put a lot of beautiful things in the universe in front of the creator; we need to resolve that in nothing more than to save the friendship and to ensure our boys stay connected. *folds arms. I ain't calling*
• Get over ourselves. I've heard this at least 60 times but the way he said it was like really painful. He laid a critique out to honest and brutal I ain't gonna post it, but basically said it ain't that serious for either of us, and there are couples with real problems going through real shit and all this new age theatrics aside it ain't that serious. None of it.
  

"Terrance, you both need to get over yourself, ok, ok. Seriously there are real problems couples go through and what I'm saying is this isn't one of them. Get over yourself".

That line stays with me. Ishamariablanca said it, my mother aunt said it, BFL said it. I mean a few comments which I didn't post said it. Get over yourself. Ourselves.

As crazy as this shit has been, and its been a while ride, when I look at it from the lens of other people, my loved ones who are gonna tell me truth like The Emperor or the Uncle I can see that.
These men have gone through some real shit, and honestly our complexities ain't shit to them. I felt bad wasting 3 hrs of his life when it was really simple. We need to sit down, hold hands, talk it over and say as middle sun advocated I'm sorry. Before anything else we had a beautiful friendship, more important we are two stubborn coons who love each other. That warrants a sit down, like adults, with a couple of bottles and get it ALL OUT. As Uncle said we'll either come out of this meeting stronger and back on track, or at the very least saved the friendship.
Stubbornness is really not a productive trait, neither is my self righteous snarky posturing at this moment.

I guess that is why I entitled this resolution. I do think once the anger and emotion, my wonderfully rolling emotions subside then we'll truly be alright. Today, as much as human possible and logical, I am over it...in terms of being mad. I'm sad that I've lost two weeks on this nonsense, I'm sad my suns missed their friend, but anger and disappointment is finished.

I am sorry and I do apologize.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-16-2009
10:20am


*Author's note: This was supposed to be a two part piece about a conversation I had with two people yesterday about how I did them, but suddenly I got lazy and I decided I'll comeback later. Its nice outside and posting to you people is making me miss my day.

:D

TLT*

Heh, I'm still standing.

Good Morning blogspot and my loyal fans of snarky mofo's reading this.

SO, after reading my last two posts of yesterday I was so tempted to pull them as they were like really friggin depressing. I admit if I read those posts as a stranger I'd call 911 and tell them to come get said author. But three things stopped me. First, as I said before discernment is key when dealing with loved ones and matters of the heart. I had a moment of utter sadness and that is to be expected when I'm trying to work on self and at the same time keep the faith that things will work out. Second, is I have a strict policy of no retractions unless someone can prove to me that what I wrote/write will affect them personally or professionally (ie nickjacks request never to use her real name, W.Y.'s request not to use any name etc). So once I hit send its there and that's a rap. I cant be ashamed of my emotions nor how I felt.

But more importantly, as my pledge father said who helped me through the day, writing is my release and I should write till my heart falls out. My mother took it one step further and said she's for anything that keeps me from drinking.

*pause*
Writing hasn't keep me from drinking, but rather a lack of funds.

*play*

With all that said I'm trying to forget the events of yesterday. It was a fucked up day. End of story. This morning I woke up feeling better. I woke up smiling at the small victories in all of this and honestly the relationship my suns have is wonderful. In spite of the loneliness I do have a support system and while we may not be on the same page, they are trying. I can't say they aren't.

Fact is, I am just experiencing the ups and downs that come with a dynamic like this. I also need to accept that others may not share in my sadness or even understand it.

They may not even mourn as hard as I. Fact is I gotta deal with this.

After a good nights sleep and prayer, wake up this am and get back on my grind. Two days of moping was necessary, but unproductive.

But today, I'm try to turn it around.

*smirk*
Was that the best you had Son of the Mourning?

*grin*
You.are.whack.

Let's dance

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-15-2009
8:53AM

The Longest Day Or How I feel, cried and fought off the darkness today OR I have no cleaver title.

"Laugh and the World Laugh's With you."
Weep and you weep Alone ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"You're dad, you can overcome anything" ~Eldest Sun

I got my ass whupped today. The wonderful emotions of doubt, fear, anger and sadness spent the majority of the day kicking the shit out of me until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I had no other recourse but to try to sleep it off.

Of course though that kind of mercy would have been to much to ask. Instead I fell into a crying spell that swole my eyes and dried my throat.

It seems the sun of the mourning wont go away with a bitter fight. Of course not. The minute I start talking bout Jah, faith, hope and love, he commences to putting an emotional and mental ass whuppin on me. Cute. Real Cute.


I guess the weather and the loneliness is finally took its total today, the rain, the gloom the feelings of abandonment and being alone. I don't think any of my friends understand my pain, and if they do they only can offer so much assistance. I don't think they really understand that this isn't a "heartbreak" but something more, a sensation I haven't felt before.

I keep wondering am I the only one upset, the only one crying..the voice in my head that sounds an awful like my father is telling me that "it's over", "she ain't thinking bout you" and "nobody cares". That voice is reminding me that men cry in the dark and we cry alone.

Then another voice tells me that I am alone on this one, whether I fight or not, I'm alone and the cavalry won't be coming over the hill. I lament at the thought, but judging by the responses of my loved ones when I seek their advice it appears to be the case.

There all these words. I struggle to hear Jah. Its an empty day.

I try to log on Facebook, but I go places I shouldn't and see things I don't understand. It only makes my chest tighter. Today I had my baby mama lock my account, change the password, and keep me out. It would be sad to have a heart attack ova Facebook ya know.

I want blog, but shit 22 blogs and we aren't half way through the month? Besides, I'm tired of the anonymous comments telling me that I was a fool, I wasn't loved, I got what I deserve. Friggin cowards. At least W.Y. used to sign her work. She was gangsta. Yall just scary.

I hate days like this. I have to deal with this sadness. I almost wish it was a heartbreak, I really do. I can deal with the heartbreak. This...I cant fathom.

Wanna here something crazy, as I laid in bed crying my eldest sun comes into the room to comfort me. I was sicken that my 12 year old let me lay on him and cry. Then in a moment of innocence, he says "Guess who called me yesterday?" I know the answer before he even tells me. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten them, I'm glad they still have that presence even if I don't. A small victory. But it only makes me cry harder when he leaves. I feel like shit for mourning in front of him. He comes back to remind me that I'm the best dad in the world and I can overcome anything. I smile weakly and give him some suga. He is my heir apparent yall.

I know its not as bad as it seems, I do have a support team: BFL, babymama, Ishamaria, lil sis. But still my mind...the voices...I cant shake them, well at least today the voices that wish to see my finally give in couldn't be silenced.

But even in the face of that I got up and made it through the day. No matter what happens, no matter how many mental and emotional ass whuppins I take I'm not going to yield....


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
11:35pm