JJ's Grill

Just had a gentle reminder how short and precious life is...

So around the old house is a little hood spot called JJ's Grill. Last year during a lazy moment I decided to give them a try because I loathed Captain Hooks. There I meet an Indian Brother by the name of Jude. Jude was an interesting fellow because unlike other Arab/Indian Store restaurant owners in that area, he was actually polite, sometimes too polite, but still polite. I noticed this right away and thanking him for being respectful and not calling me "boss", talking down to kids, just generally not being a jerk. At the time, I was wearing my "Theology requires brains" hoodie and he asked me if I was a Christian. I got nervous wondering if our pleasant conversation was going to get nasty but in fact it didn't. Come to find out Jude was a devout Christian, to be more concise he was an apologetic. I think we chopped it up for like 40 mins that afternoon. I learned that we liked some of the same folk: Tony Evans, Ravi Zacharis, both liked Moody even if we thought they were a bit "crazy". I shared with him my goals to enroll in Seminary during the new year and he from that moment on always called me "Preacher" "Reverand" or "Counselor" no matter how much I tried to stop him, I just would bristle at those titles he kept saying it. For the next couple of months we would chop it up about different Christian topics: Being Saved in a hostile environment, being Christian Parents, the role of fathers etc. I do believe had it not been for the move, I could have seen myself trying to truly be his friend and I like to think he was beginning to see me as such.

Today, having a tired lazy moment I placed the called to JJ's Grill since they delivered to grab me and the Heirs some dinner. Jude didn't answer the phone, another voice did. Rather than explain my order to the new person I asked for Jude since he knew it by heart. I also wanted to surprise him since I didn't get a chance to tell him I was leaving the area. It was his brother who answered the phone and he shared with me that Jude died a couple of weeks ago from a heart attack at the age of 42. I offered my condolences ordered my food, one time for the road. Before we ended the call I shared how his brother was an encouragement and a breathe of fresh air and asked he continue the policy of respecting the community. He said he would.

I had been meaning for the past month to swing by the restaurant on my way home to check in, let him know how school was and chop it up. Each time I'd put it off because I was tired, had to meet with someone, or just because I was lazy. I never got a chance to tell that Brother in Christ thank you for that encouragement at a time when I felt I had zero encouragement or support. It was one more reminder to stop, slow down, enjoy this journey. All this grinding and moving and hustle hustle hustle for what? I can do this and enjoy life. Visit the people and places I love and still be effective. My man TN is right...(and I hate admitting when he's right cause he gooses me) but it's OK to relax, spend time with loved ones and just chill on this journey. No Seminary work tonight, no GO Fund Me website, just gonna hang with my Heirs and relax. This one off day ain't gonna hurt nobody. To my friend..I pray for your family, esp your two young daughters and wife. I hope you are enjoying paradise. Most importantly Jude...Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria

In Truth and Transparency
TLT
4-24-2014
6:30pm

The Sun of the Mourning Pt 4: The Debts of Winters Past

"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z

"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri

I do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.

It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will finally/definitely bounce back from this terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.

The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.

Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.

"Been a while. How you doing?"

"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."

I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.

"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.

"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.

"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."

He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about 'him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."

"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.

"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.

I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.

"Appreciate that. I try."

"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."

"I am fighting no war."

"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."

"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"

"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"

"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"

"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"

I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.

"Right" he quips rather bluntly.

We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.

"You're afraid to send them?"

"Yes."

"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"

"She loves em."

"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"

"Been a minute."

"Wanna see?"

I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.

"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.

"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.

Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.

He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a 'rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.

Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of 'fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.

"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.

I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.

A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.

I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me"

"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"

I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."

"Raise your head my child"

I look up fighting back tears and speak.

"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."

"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."

"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage

"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"

Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.

" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."

She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."

"Thank you." I turn to walk away.

"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."

I walk out.

As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"

"Yes it was in fact."

He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.

"Walk with me"

"I'd rather not"

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."

It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.

"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.

"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.

I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.

He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first met. Or was it that night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.

Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"

Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."

"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."

My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."

He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.

"Fair enough."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"

In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.

"Mr. Thomas?"

Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"

"You OWE me a test...."

As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "sleep" the last thing I hear.

I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.

TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?

It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.

See ya soon
~Star

To my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.

My test had begun.

To Be Continued.......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm

In Memorium

John 5:28-29: Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

Rest In Peace Granddaddy

Ernest Shadrick
July 5, 1908-June 3, 2oo9s

I hope we all can have a long, healthy productive life like yours.

See you in the Morning,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-03-2009
11:45pm

Sins of the Father Pt. 8: Dreams

"I need you to protect my wife and protect this house" ~LeMar Thomas

For the third time this month I've dreamt of my father. Not just any dream but a lucid dream, where he is sitting there, or cooking or laughing. In this last dream, he just walked through the front door in his funeral suit, upset that we buried him and didn't even leave him a sandwich. He sat in his favorite chair and told me to get off the computer.

He also lowered his head and told me he was SO disappointed in me. He then proceeded to assign me some menial tasks to complete for him, "favors" he used to call them and he asked these favors when he was annoyed with you and wanted you out of his sight.

Needless to say I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I woke up with asking myself what WOULD he say if he walked through that door right now. Would he be proud of me? Would he be satisfied with the outcome of the tasks he asked me to complete? Would he be glad I'm carrying his name? Would I get that smile that I so often sought as a little boy and adult man, but rarely got?

If I were to answer this question honestly then I would have to say no. My father would be very disappointed in me. I haven't been protected his family, I haven't held my mom down as I should and I haven't..well shit there's a lot of things I haven't done.

I know for a fact he would be thoroughly disappointed in how I've made a mess of some many things, both professional and personal. He once praised me for being the best tactical mind he knew, the one person to stand tall and calm during the storms and the one person who would know what to do when it needed to be done. He truly would shake his head in disbelief at how I've operated the past two years. This morning, this gloomy morning it gives me a lot to think about as I talk with Jehovah and as I take a morning drive.

I read that I could be experiencing an early midlife crisis. I'm at the half way point and I'm looking at my victories, defeats and draws. I'm looking at where I wanted my life to go as opposed to where it has gone. I've looked at loved lost, esp this past month and I think I'm up to the third woman that was supposed to be a slam dunk in the wife category. Or at the least the second. I look at my credit score and.....

and I realize this is all the trick of the devil to slow me down and make me gloomy. But still I struggle with things. I mean the skills and qualities once revered: Intelligence, cunning, passion, and persistence, are now seen as flaws. There was a time me fighting for Queen would have been seen as beautiful and inspirational, now its gotten me cleanly put into the crazy box, even if it is beautiful and inspirational. There was a time where my intelligence and cunning made me the center of attention, now its isolated me.

I don't know. I just know today I gotta lot to talk to Jehovah about, a lot to cry about and even a lot to smile about.

I can smile at the fact that I've given CJ and Debo my all. He would be proud of that. I can smile that my sons and I share a bond, and they often give me the well needed boost. I can smile that they are well behaved, happy, handsome and smart. He would smile at them too.

Esp Devin ;-).

Still, in the morning, I will have to talk to my dad. He will want answers as to why I haven't completed some tasks. He will want to know why I stopped thinking and acting and became reactionary. LeMar will want answers and as a former CPD detective he will get them. He also had that gift.

Hopefully, I'll have better answers by the time we meet.

I miss you LeMar.

Straight, No Chaser
5-9-2009
10:39am

The Longest Day Or How I feel, cried and fought off the darkness today OR I have no cleaver title.

"Laugh and the World Laugh's With you."
Weep and you weep Alone ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"You're dad, you can overcome anything" ~Eldest Sun

I got my ass whupped today. The wonderful emotions of doubt, fear, anger and sadness spent the majority of the day kicking the shit out of me until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I had no other recourse but to try to sleep it off.

Of course though that kind of mercy would have been to much to ask. Instead I fell into a crying spell that swole my eyes and dried my throat.

It seems the sun of the mourning wont go away with a bitter fight. Of course not. The minute I start talking bout Jah, faith, hope and love, he commences to putting an emotional and mental ass whuppin on me. Cute. Real Cute.


I guess the weather and the loneliness is finally took its total today, the rain, the gloom the feelings of abandonment and being alone. I don't think any of my friends understand my pain, and if they do they only can offer so much assistance. I don't think they really understand that this isn't a "heartbreak" but something more, a sensation I haven't felt before.

I keep wondering am I the only one upset, the only one crying..the voice in my head that sounds an awful like my father is telling me that "it's over", "she ain't thinking bout you" and "nobody cares". That voice is reminding me that men cry in the dark and we cry alone.

Then another voice tells me that I am alone on this one, whether I fight or not, I'm alone and the cavalry won't be coming over the hill. I lament at the thought, but judging by the responses of my loved ones when I seek their advice it appears to be the case.

There all these words. I struggle to hear Jah. Its an empty day.

I try to log on Facebook, but I go places I shouldn't and see things I don't understand. It only makes my chest tighter. Today I had my baby mama lock my account, change the password, and keep me out. It would be sad to have a heart attack ova Facebook ya know.

I want blog, but shit 22 blogs and we aren't half way through the month? Besides, I'm tired of the anonymous comments telling me that I was a fool, I wasn't loved, I got what I deserve. Friggin cowards. At least W.Y. used to sign her work. She was gangsta. Yall just scary.

I hate days like this. I have to deal with this sadness. I almost wish it was a heartbreak, I really do. I can deal with the heartbreak. This...I cant fathom.

Wanna here something crazy, as I laid in bed crying my eldest sun comes into the room to comfort me. I was sicken that my 12 year old let me lay on him and cry. Then in a moment of innocence, he says "Guess who called me yesterday?" I know the answer before he even tells me. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten them, I'm glad they still have that presence even if I don't. A small victory. But it only makes me cry harder when he leaves. I feel like shit for mourning in front of him. He comes back to remind me that I'm the best dad in the world and I can overcome anything. I smile weakly and give him some suga. He is my heir apparent yall.

I know its not as bad as it seems, I do have a support team: BFL, babymama, Ishamaria, lil sis. But still my mind...the voices...I cant shake them, well at least today the voices that wish to see my finally give in couldn't be silenced.

But even in the face of that I got up and made it through the day. No matter what happens, no matter how many mental and emotional ass whuppins I take I'm not going to yield....


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
11:35pm

Sins of the Father Pt. 7: Resolution

"What greater weapon is there than to turn an enemy to YOUR cause?
To use their own knowledge against them?" ~Bastila Shan

OK, I've whipped up a breakfast worthy of a Black College student: reheated Swai fish, oriental vegetables in teryikai sauce with red beans and rice; to wash it down I've got a bottle of cran-apple juice that was left over from my vodka splurge. I also uh..."mediated" while listening to the rain. I really wonder if I am going to be able to make it. I still sad.

So I've eaten, drunken and am merry, let's get back to my story.

OK to the story...

So I haven't spoken with anybody on my father' s side since Dec. 22 2006, I've ignored numerous requests to build, to sit down, to talk. Honestly there wasn't anything to discuss, my mother was disrespected at my father's funeral no less. There was nothing to talk about.

Fast forward a couple of years....I am in the process of transferring my sons out of their suburban schools and into a new CPS school. Since my wonderful boys are uppity suburbans kids I was looking for a way to give them a lesson in negro-ology; helping to them to learn rather quickly the norms and ways of the hood and niggerdoms so they can survive this transition and so I wont kill somebody's child or some child's parent.

I spent the weekend with my boys, technology free pondering this problem; I needed to find a resolution quickly and low and behold an answer would appear in the form of my brother. I had all of the children this weekend and he wanted to me to bring my niece by so they could go to a party on my cousins on dad's side was throwing. He also asked if I could end the embargo and at least let the boys come.

This provided the perfect opportunity to train them in the ways of niggerness. I said I would come along to monitor, but not participate.

Upon my arrival my two older cousins broke down in tears. They were happy to see me and pleaded with me to end my embargo. I told them no, I would not be returning on a full time basis, however I would be around as long as it took my suns to be integrated into the family and then I would be ghost.

But then I saw someone who shook me to my core, to made me re-think all of my bitterness and anger and hostility. I saw my younger cousin Quenisha, aka Queen, who has been on my hip since she was a baby. If there is a family member who probably can soften my heart it is Queeny.

We hug and she begins to cry. She asks me where I have been, letting me know my presence was missed by the younger cousins. "We really didn't have nobody to talk to. You the smartest one." That kind of compliment both warms your heart and weighs on your soul as you reflect on your actions.

We sit down, still teary eyes and I ask Queeny how she's been and she process to tell me her life over the past 2 plus years. She had school problems, she was rapped and my older aunts refused to get her therapy so she "wont relive it", she needed advise on men, and she wants to go to college next year when she graduates but is being dissuaded from doing so.

I shook my head. Then I remembered the lesson from this past week: War clouds Judgement. In waging my war, I didn't think about the children, mine and theirs who need the bond and needed my guidance. I never thought that I'd be seen or had been saw as some kind of person to aspire too.

The fact is I was a role model and something different, a break from the norm, a window to a world they may or may not ever see.

It was in this revelation that I also figured out how I can break a cycle and win a war. If you remember snarky mofo reading this, when the Israelites got on Jah's nerves bitching about hardships of freedom and had no faith he decreed none of the adults save for Joshua and Caleb would see the promise land. To be concise Jah vowed that none over the age of 20 would see the promise land. These two facts have helped shape my new policy on my father's people.

First, as of this past weekend I no longer will hold any amenity to an entire group. To be exact like Jah, nobody under the age of 22, (as of his death) will be punished for the mistakes of the elders. I also believe at their age they lacked discernment and maturity to understand what was going on and to make decisions themselves. I also am not applied my beef to four of my cousins, Yogi, Shawn, Tanya, and Antonio who is locked up but managed to write my mother ever day. In terms of my aunts the two that paid her respect will also be forgiven.

Wow that is such a weight off of my chest.

I also realize the greatest insult in a sick way to them is to help the next generation be better. Help Queeny go away to school and escape the madness she wants to escape. I want Bre to be an honor roll student. I want them to be fine young men and women. Wouldn't it be ironic that the one person they cant stand is the one person who helps their children grown?

I want all of them, esp Queeny to grown into fine adults. I want the ignorance in that family to die.

I think its a win win.

This weekend I am going to go to lunch with Queeny. We're gonna sit down and discuss life, dating hopes and dreams.

Maybe helping her will prepare me for mine.

Maybe helping her will heal my heart. I don't know.

I do know is I'm sorry I made the youngins suffer. War clouds judgment.

Indeed it does.

I wonder if Queeny would like Chinese food?

Time to expand her world view

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
11:30am

Sins of the Father: A Historical Review

"There will be NO further negotiations on this matter.
Deal with it or dont" ~
Me to my Aunt Louise after they tried to punk my mother.

First a historical review: Before I post the on the topic dealing with my family I feel a need to give you a back story. I know my long time readers and personal friends might be familar but you new folks are gonna love this story. Here we go.

As you all may know (or should know) by now on Dec 16th 2006, I lost my father to cancer. It was an emotional time that I had documented via a series of blogs posted on Myspace at the time called "Sins of the Father". This series chronicled everything from my frustration at my mother for her decisions to the night they took him out the house one final time to his to the plots of my aunts and other family members, to this funeral and the aftermath. In my opinion this was my best written work but sadly, a crashed computer and a deletion of Myspace page made it unable to retrieve any of that work. I found a few files on Gmail and I have them stored on a lil pen drive that wont read, but other than that the only Sins of the Father that remains is part 5, the account of his funeral (which can be found under the Dec 2006 section of my blog or by clicking on the link).

Just prior to his death, my father converted to become a Jehovah's Witness, a decision that did not sit well with his sisters, whom happen to be...yup you guessed it baptists. They did/do not like my mother as they felt she was uppity, and didn't engage in the mass niggerdoms that seem to uh dominate my father's side of the family. I do believe only his children are the only ones college educated, free of felonies and can read and or write. So needless to say my mother's Hyde Park reared arse did not mesh well with the slack jawed yokels of the Bailey clan.

Damn, my biases are showing and I am not objectively reporting the account.

Sorry. Let us move on...

When he was diagnosed as terminal my father wrote each of his siblings a letter telling them that he wished his funeral and burial be in accordance with the way a Jehovah's Witness would be held, my mothers word was law and he tasked me to enforce this by any means necessary short of murder.

I wont bore you with the intricate plots but basically my aunts with "assistance" from two of my brothers actively worked to undermine my mother's every decision including trying to buy an extra night and service from Gatlin's. Yes these "women" raised about 3G's to hold a special service as opposed to say um...giving it to my mother. Basically the end result was me using every political trick in the book to make sure my mother under grief didn't violate my father's wishes and I almost turned Wei Yan lose on a few of them.

Indeed good times by all eh?

Defeated, two thirds of my father's people "missed the funeral", as Monday was Christmas, his funeral was a Friday and they chose holiday pay over paying respects. Those that didn't go to work refused to come to a "Jehovah funeral" hell my aunt went back to Atlanta rather than come into a Kingdom Hall.

Did I mention that those who did come and show up sat with his first wife and comforted her. My mother sat in the corner alone with only a few friends from the hall making helping her, that and her granbabies.

Even typing this account makes my chest hurt.

Only 2 aunts out of 5 showed my mother any kind of respect.

Had it not been for the lovely women of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. we would have had a shitty repass. This is why I haven't left the table of Blue, my sorors..during this time. I can never repay that. Ever. One day I'll tell you how the Sigmas reacted.

You know I got a ugly bitterness in my mouth over this era.

OK moving on.

So this week, which still holds the record as worst.week.ever. had a number of implications:

• It caused a rift between my brothers that really still hasn't healed. Honestly it wont fully heal until they offer my mother an apology for treason
• It caused me to be utterly weary and distrustful of baptists. Think racial profiling but instead of race think denomination.
• Zetas have a lifetime commitment from me.
• I refused to talk to everybody on my father's side for any reason.
  

This last point is important because I've missed funerals, birthday parties, weddings, births, damn near everything. My suns weren't allowed to communicate. I mean I saw folks on myspace and facebook and just wouldn't fox with them at all.

I know snarky mofo reading this you're asking "Was it that serious?"

Yes it was.

I was given a task by my father. No compromise. My mother was disrespected. My parents faith was disrespected. I mean, I won't name who but one of the conspirators whispered in his ear something to the effect if he didn't renounce Jah he would burn in hell. My father being the ADD filled creature he was later in the day blurted out "Please no I don't wanna go to hell".

Since when does a JW...never mind. Heart pumping faster. But this should give you a lil more insight as to why I am the way I am. Moments like this.

Oh my favorite. My mom was trying to fix my dad's oxygen, wipe his face or something and clearly it was bothering him so he managed to put his hand up. My ignant aunt replies "He do it again smack his hand." Or was it spank his hand? I forget.

The point is since when do you slap a dying man's hand? Or spank a grown man? Ignant ba...

Give me a moment. Lemme think a happy thought.

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Ok, there. As I was saying it was made niggerdoms and I wrote it all down. Sigh. But something happened over the weekend that I will post in another piece that softened my heart, even if it didn't totally reverse my position.


Lemme make some breakfast and I'll post the second half. I'm break this up into two pieces as this one has gone on way too long and there is just too much emotion in this piece.

Brb
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
9:30AM