The 2008 Awards

"The Jokes write themselves" ~Soror Sage

Before I announce the 2008 MVP, the one friend who stood above all the rest and helped me in ways no other could, I would like to send a few shout outs to the people and moment who made this year laughable, fucked up, interesting, etc. These are the highlights and low lights of 2008. Enjoy

Gayest Myspace Moment: (TIE) Terrance and Devin.

My brother Devin getting a message from some dude calling himself "Sexyboo". It worst than delicious, it worst than some random instant message, its just gay.

The other one goes to me, for adding random people for my game applications without checking profiles and discovering some of these doods were apart of National Homo Associations, advocating gay park sex and a bunch of other stuff. Indeed, I was totally shocked.

Kindest Act: Shannon Burns

After discovering my boy was giving my then Executive Assistant the Jim Dean, I was floored. His not giving a fuck and her betrayal really put me in a fucked up mood. Of course all of this went down 48hrs before my birthday. Without any plans and seemingly no one to talk to, a friend took me to dinner at 10:30pm just so I can have a birthday event.

Best Gift: The XBOX 360

As I said in an earlier blog, I was a broke ass in the early part of this year. Being Mr. Mom and having for a time no social life made me revert back to the primal stage. So I get the brilliant idea to buy me a next gen console for my birthday. But there was one small problem; I had a very limited income. So I went to several members of my online family and requested instead of the usual bottles of vodka they would usually send each person donate 50 dollars to my pay pal account. While most of my online fam scoffed at the notion, enough did put on so I could get my my Xbox360. I truly appreciated this.

Best Evening: (TIE: My Birthday, the Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour drinking session)

As I stated earlier my birthday was totally wrecked and I had planned on sitting in the house drinking and crying. However Baby Mama, lil Sister Janae, Brina D, and my boy Jarmelle all decided that was wack and put in to take me to Dave and Busters. The ensuing comedy, my Avon Barksdale impersonations and winning the shake maker made this a night to remember.

The Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour Drinking sessions are [CLASSIFIED: S3 or Emperor's Eyes Only]. Sorry bout that. Just know it won.

Biggest Flop: Baby Mama's sister.

She was supposed to come up here when baby mama's mother got sick and help out. When grandma (as the kids called her) died she was supposed to provide a stable backup and relief system for babymama. She was supposed to be a big sister. Instead she turned out to be the most negative, simple minded slack jawed yokel on the planet. From running the air 24-7, to sitting in the dark 24-7 and watching CSI, to sitting on my space 24-7 to eating 6 months of groceries in 4 hrs to running up the phone bills to one hundred thousand trillion she was just ugh. A kinder me would call her uncivilized and depressed. A less kind me would call her a sponge and a hobo. Guess which Terrance is typing this? Right. Fucking sponge

Most Perseverance: Baby Mama.

Anybody who loses both their Father and Mother in a span of six months, deal with the planning of memorial services, deal with a hardheaded baby daddy, and deal with a fucking sponge of a sister and endures a whole host of comedic characters wins this one hands down. She truly has not even had time to mourn her loses. She met each challenge well and I'm proud she is the mother of my children and a friend. Good shit Rhonda, good shit.

Best Vacation: (TIE: State of the Black World and The BMW Meet and Greet)

It was a wonderful experience visiting New Orleans, seeing the Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, looking at the rebuilding and hanging out with Maisha and Dan. It was also a classic moment when we went to the National Obama Hater Convention that was the Tavis Smiley State of the Black Union Convention. I guess my time at OH and its intellectual strength spoiled me, because there was nothing of substance of value to be found there. I'm glad Dick Gregory checked them ape coons. For real. I'm even happier Obama won. Made all them haters look stupid. We see you. Hi Haters.

The Meet and Greet was a gift from a friend and I can tell you it was one for the record books. I swear to Black Jesus its one thing to get to know someone on the net, but to party with them in person, LAWD. I'm still dying to get back to that B Smith Sunday Brunch. What a day.

Best Professional Moment: Presenting at the National Council on Black Studies Conference.

That was a weekend to remember. My Emperor was honored, I went big time and we both got mad love. Its moments like that make me appreciate him and Black Studies

Biggest Regret: The Text Message.

A trial in both patience and arrogance. I am wondering if I will ever recover from that.

The Nigga I learned to Listen to: Andre C Russell.

He warned me. He told me. I didn't listen and got burned. You'd think with all the history we have, with him being my boy I'd listened Dre. But nooo. I'm the "Prime Minister" I'm "smarter" than everybody. No I was an ass. From the facebook and myspace status messages to leaving her alone he was right, and each time I didn't listen I shot myself in the foot. I'm a hard headed fucker. Now I need his help one mo' gin.

Fucking Nerd. I love him though.

I hope you've enjoyed a quick glance into my life. These were the times that make me, well me. By no means are they all of them, just a simple glance into what made this year special.

Year 33. An interesting time indeed.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-28-2008

5:25pm

The 2008 Retrospective: Lessons in Life or Justifying my Thug

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

It’s been no secret that the past four years have helped me develop and grow in ways that I could never have imagined; each year representing a challenge to a segment of my manhood and character. In 2005 I had my whole world shattered and had to rebuild (trial of the spirit), in 2006 I had to deal with the loss of a parent and inherent his throne (trial of leadership), 2007 ushered in a fiscal crisis from which I am just recovering (trial of perseverance) and in 2008 I was forced to serve and give myself in totally to my sons and their well being during a time of death and loss (trial of character) and well as get my physical and mental health in order (trial of the flesh)

My Minister of the Interior told me earlier this year that I should endure as this year would be extra special because this was my 33rd year, and 33 is a number of importance. From the Masonic Order to Christian doctrine 33 is symbol of perfection. Indeed our lord and savior began his work in his 33rd year and it changed the world. I am often told that my time is coming and my mark will be made. I admit I'm a tad bit impatient for this, but I still await that moment and accept its challenge willing. I saw this constantly throughout the year as the previous tests resurfaced in a number of different ways. I had to make decisions which broke hearts, I had to watch the death of the Olive Harvey Black Studies Department, and I had to go to war with someone I should not have had gone to war with. Indeed when the various challenges arose I meet each one head on, successful in some, not so successful in others. Even in the final hours of 2008 I was had two trials before me: one of love and one of arrogance. Regrettably I only passed one. I need to work on that arrogance thing.

Lessons learned. Meanings made. Personality Profile updated and adapted.

2008 wasn't a total loss, and it is not my intent to make it seem like such. There were some victories. I FINALLY got the fatherhood thing down pat, I made peace with my sons mother and we became a great friends, I endured a betrayal by my then S5 (aka Executive Assistant see relationship hierarchy blog for definition) which pushed me as close to the darkness as I had come since Nicole, I got my health and depression under control, lower my blood pressure, lost weight, found a gig and discovered love again. Indeed 2008 was the best of times and the worst of times.

I learned in 2008 that I still hadn't conquered my inability to handle confusion, fear, and losing. I learned I am still impatient and despite my best public persona I am not the Prime Minister Zhuge Liang, I am not James Bond, I am not Malcolm X or anybody else. While those are the ingredients of the “Perfect Terrance Martini” they are not who I am, nor do they truly tell how I came to be. Perhaps in 2009 I will listen to my friend and brother Dre who once told me “Perhaps its time I just became Terrance” It’s something to consider and truly ponder these last few days of 2008.

The most important lesson I learned that however is that I am a great man, an intellectual, a wonderful father, king and worthy of love. I learned I had limitations, I hurt, I cry, mourn. In short, I learned I am human.

Human. Hmmm an interesting concept.

Its one I've learned and earned.

I am simply Terrance.

And this year I grew stronger simply with that revelation..

That is straight, no chaser

TLT
12-27-2008
4:15pm
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

(P.S. As you can see this is the first blog written and posted via the Blackberry. God I love this phone)

A Christmas Carol

“You will be visited by three ghosts” ~ A Christmas Carol.

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and happiness; where one reflects on the family friends the meaning of life, joy, good will towards me and all that stuff.

For me however the holidays have always been a sober time, one of ambivalence on one hand and sadness on the other. I have always been distant towards the holidays because of my religious rearing. It’s not secret I was born and raised a Jehovah’s Witness, so needless to say not only are the holidays a foreign experience it is one of stiffness. When you compound this with the fact that my father passed around this time two years ago then its safe to say the time frame from thanksgiving to New Year’s generally sucks to high hell to me.

The 2008 holiday season is no different. In fact the 2008 holiday season is even worse because it was suppose to usher in a new era of change but instead it has forced me to do something I loathe and hate. I am forced to deal with ghosts, and as I said in an earlier piece I.HATE.GHOSTS.

And this year I get the honor, like a Black Scourge to go up against three ghosts, and I need to either confront or at least survive these ghosts in order to find peace and happiness within a new dynamic.

I’ll admit if I had to go and deal with the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future I’d be relived. Those are tired ghosts who really don’t pose much of a threat as they are simply the occasion annoyance. Nah these ghosts are a bit more complex and as I said before how I handle them will have ramifications I may or may not see for quite some time.

So who or what are these ghosts? Well simply they are the Ghost of Legacy, the Ghost of Institutions, and the ironically the Ghost of Future Imperfect. While all different these ghosts are part of a whole and each one is connected to the other as I will show later.

The first Ghost, Legacy is complex as it is simple. This ghost merely represents standards and legacies; a grading scale by which all others will be judged. A first glance it doesn’t sound bad when you look at it. However under deeper examination one can discern that a legacy can work both ways. It can strengthen and it can cripple. When used as a model, not a copy, legacies can help motivate, liberate and even be used as a rallying point. However when one attempts to copy or recreate a legacy, it becomes problematic in that one begins to use it as a crutch. It becomes a reason for inaction; it becomes an unrealistic standard and an excuse not to move forward. My relationship to the Legacy of Black Studies is an example. For years I refused to move out of my comfort zone or challenge myself in the name of “legacy”. Yet at the same time, that same legacy kept me honest.

The second Ghost I have to face is one of Institution. This ghost can be reflective of anything that we have built relationships, careers, friendships etc. What’s more important is that how well these institutions do will judge how we interact with future institutions. Take for example relationships. If we come from an institution that failed or hurt us, we often make the next architects pay their tab and work harder than they should. Of course if those institutions are successful, we tend to try to re-create the wheel without any foresight or adjustment of situations. Again using to offer an example, how many times do we, using the “legacy” of a failed institution to help navigate a new institution. How many times have we mourned the downfall of a failed institution and its legacy at the expense of something new and more solid? All of us have done it, and all of us have been stupid for it.

The last ghost is one of Future Imperfect. This merely means that we are afraid of imperfection. We seek that perfect love, job, friendship, organization etc. We seek this perfection when we have fallen victim to the ghosts of legacy and institution. We seek this when we are afraid of reality, but rather would like to try to build fairy tales and perfect futures.

*sigh* Now if I could only get [CLASSIFIED: S1 OR EMPEROR’S EYES ONLY] to see this, to understand that I’m not insecure or being difficult but rather trying to show that standing at the gravesite of failed institutions, or seeking to fill a legacy that can never be matched is only a recipe for disaster pain and suffering. It will leave a legacy of heartbreak and build institutions of failure. True men wont seek tolerate the mourning of failure; nor will they try to follow in another’s legacy. True men will accept the future for what is, imperfect and build their own legacy and institution.

So on this Christmas, when the kids go to sleep and the music stops and the vodka chills, I will sit down and continue my work in beating these three ghosts.

Anything less is detrimental to me.

Merry Christmas people

Straight, No Chaser
12-25-2008
9:02pm

Classified

“Love me or leave me alone” ~ Brand Nubian

From the Office of the Prime Minister

To: [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]

Dear [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]

I’ve wanted to say this for some time, however the politics and timing wasn’t right. I’ve sat on this for fear of running you off or making you angry but yet every day I sit on it I only make myself sadder and tired. I normally would eat these emotions but they require so much to maintain I feel I am losing myself by holding them in. Thus I simply must write this letter and speak truth to power. I don’t know any other way of functions. Time will reveal if I was ultimately right or wrong in doing so.

Let me preference by saying that I love you dearly. Its been a while since I’ve had the excitement and hope brought on by this dynamic we have entered. I truly feel that this has legs to go somewhere. Yet I am disheartened at the process; I am annoyed that we seem to be going no where; like a car stuck in the mud as opposed to throwing that bitch in 4wd and moving on. So this is my official record of how I feel. I’ve edited it for security and content.

[CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. I’ve tried to be patience as you go through this process of [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. Yet at the same time I feel you would rather wallow in that than build with me. I understand this is a transition, but at the same time I’m kinda tired of feeling like I don’t have a place or feeling like I gotta go thru the extended process because weaker lesser men failed their process. I don’t think that shit is fair, it’s fucked up and as of tonight its tiresome. I don’t like feeling like I’m intruding or I am an outsider begging for scraps. I remember asking you not to make me feel that way; I remember asking to help be made a part of something and you promised.

Today I don’t feel that promise. Today I am fresh out of tact, understanding, mercy, compassion and all those other words.

Today I feel you have [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] enough over [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] and seriously its time to get a grip and move forward.

Its time to put a man on the throne that’s showing you what he can do; its time for you to submit a little and do what you claim you want to do. Seriously nobody [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] about [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] when you got something right before you.

I don’t know if you’re aware but the clock is ticking against us. I once gave you a song that said [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY], and then asked you not to [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. Yet that seems to be the case. I’m not asking you to be [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] tomorrow, but I am asking you to make it official, provide this situation with some definition and let’s do the damn thing. I still have faith you are [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY], but at the same time the question is being raised of what kind of dynamic even has to ask certain things.

So I’m serving notice. I am tired of being the Prime Minister and I want the throne.

I don’t know any other way of putting it.

No matter your choice Beautiful One, I truly love and adore you.

Take good care

TLT

Straight No Chaser
12-23-2008
1:45am

I wonder

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”~ Robert Burns


I wonder if the Prime Minister felt a rush of jubilation and victory as he watched the Wei army burn at Bo Wang Po. I wonder if his mind thought of the end game and how he could make a brand new world.

I wonder if the Prime Minister felt a tingle of invincibility as he called forth the wind and watched the Wei ships burn at Chi Bi. To know you can do a thing and then do it is an amazing feat and I often wonder if he felt that the world was his.

I wonder how he felt watching all he worked for be set back by others mistakes and arrogance: watching Guan Yu lose the Jiang Province, watching his lord and emperor destroy everything including himself on a foolish assault and then being tasked with fixing it all.

I wonder what went thought the Prime Minister’s mind when Ma Su disobeyed at Jieting. I wonder if he at that moment realized that he was surrounded by lesser men and had to do it all by himself.

I wonder what went through his mind as he played his zither while facing Sima Yi’s army down. Did he feel a moment of possibilities? Did he feel overwhelmed or was he simply trying to re-assess the situation?

I wonder if this is how the Prime Minster felt at the Shang Fang valley as the rain began. I wonder what went through his mind as the heavens opened up and dashed his best laid plans

Did he feel rejected? Did he accept his fate? Or did he resolve to try harder.

I wonder what went through the Prime Minster’s mind when Wei Yan rushed through the tent and put out his candle. I’ve often wondered why he didn’t let Jiang Wei kill Wei Yan.

I wonder what went through the Prime Minister’s mind as he lay dying at the Wu Zhang Plains. I wonder if he thought back to all those good times when he seemed invincible and the world was his. Was there regret? Was there suffering? Or was he simply accepting of his fate.

I wonder, because I’ve experience all three in a matter of months. The early victories of Bo Wan Po and Chibi; the frustrations of Jietiang and Shang Fang Valley; watching my candle of hope dashed by outside forces; and ultimately waiting on fate to issue its final verdict. Indeed I understand the Prime Minister.

Yet, I have no idea how to stop it. I just know things will simply play as they must.

In the meanwhile, I will enjoy and pray in the rain.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-21-08

Notes on Black Politics Vol 3: Love and Relationships

"War. War never changes" ~ From the Fallout Video Game Series

A couple of definitions are in order:

First let’s define politics: Politics is the act of deciding who gets what, when, where, how and ultimately WHY. War is a function of that, as what better (sic) better way to achieve this that a test of might or diplomacy? Indeed Chairman Fred Hampton Sr. once articulated that “War is nothing more than politics with bloodshed”.

So we have a working definition of “Politics”. Stay with me, this IS going somewhere.

Next up is Love. If we combine popular love terms, from the insipid and selfish notion of in love, to the Christian agape love then we can define love thusly: The lost of self in another. The great 80’s Pop singer Pat Benatar argued quite convincingly that “Love is a Battlefield”. So for the sake of this conversation we will say Love has a War component. We fight for it. People have killed over it, and truly you’re never the same if it’s done right or wrong. Sounds like love to me. Furthermore a question is begged: How does one lose themselves in another and not come up totally void, hurt, sad, etc. I would argue a measure of politics.

So now we have two working definitions. Now let’s work on the formula.

Politics=War and Love=Wars. Therefore it is safe to say Politics=Love.

More to the point, the concepts of relationships and the institutions they build are political systems. They function not off of some higher notion, but rather they function off of the simple truth of who gets what, when, where, how and ultimately why.

Think I’m being cynical? Look at your own situation. Is your relationship doing well? If so then you’re political process is on point. There is a give and take, there is diplomacy, there is dialogue, clear lines of demarcation, roles, expectations and if necessary all parties know the other will launch an all out assault.

What if your relationship isn’t doing well? Chances are you have no political capitol, or all of the capital and it has created an imbalance. Somebody is always giving or taking, never the flip. There is constant struggle, protracted battles, lots of distrust and bitter feelings.

When you remove the emotion, when you remove the “righteous” indignation and when you put down your holy books long enough to ponder this you will see I am right.

Relationships aren’t anything more than Political institutions. It rarely has anything to do with love. Sorry. It’s true. Oh it’s true.

So you’re probably saying to yourself “Terrance, excellent formula. You are a genius and truly the Prime Minister (Thank you), but how is this related to Black politics?"

Good question dear reader, good question.

I hereby submit that our personal love life is a microcosm of Black life specifically Black politics: totally grounded in what we want,not what we NEED and definitely not what is real and devoid of any logical thought process and accountability tools.

In layman’s terms our shit is not grounded in reality. Its ground somewhere but earth isn’t it.

Well not all of us. All would be impossible. But enough of us, let’s say 85% of Black Love.

Yeah I just said that. So stop shaking your heads. Your shit sucks. Hell mine did too.

I mean seriously let’s look at it this way: How many times have we elected or supported some fool just cause he can speak like us, get into a pulpit and whop and holla and quote John 3:16 and invoke Dr. King (or Harold Washington here in the chi)’s good name. Didn't our current gov? Do that?

Doesn’t that sound like our dating process? First mofo that says the right thing, talking like their smart, can put two words together and invoke whatever is suddenly “it”.

Need more proof?

Fellaz: How many times have we chased that sister we know is gonna cause us to have a stroke, just because she fine? Or got a nice ass, or ate the cherry sensual or whatever. Yet we know she’s dumb as a back of socks, knows she has the morals of an alley cat yet we still try.

Ladies: How many times have you held on to the notion he’ll get it right, pined over your baby daddy in hopes of some non realistic future, ignored the good one in your face and then declared men are garbage? Doesn’t that sound like our political process?


I just know as of today, I’d argue our collective love life, reflects our collective politics: Fucked.

And before some smart Obama negro (like myself) points out the whole Obama thing just remember he ain't served a full term yet.

And for you overly spiritual mofos that’s finna rant and rave bout negative energy, I’m laughing at you too. Because while you talking that shit, your man/woman aint called you back in two days. Get real.

Ok…political/relationship rant done.

Enjoy your day

Straight, No Chaser
12/18/08
8:23AM

The Beautiful Ones

“Paint a perfect picture, Bring 2 life a vision in ones mind” ~Prince

I was helping my son with his King Tut project when it hit me. It has been months since it happened. I almost didn’t realize it was happening. Then I got that familiar light headedness and buzz.

I saw the world without time. It’s a gift I swear I have. I see things clearer, I remember facts hidden. My aunt swears this is God talking to me, I just think my rationale brain kicks into overdrive, but either way time stops.

And suddenly I’m talking to my father, two years ago. He’s sitting on the side of the bed, right before he bottomed out; right before he gave me my final task. I remember it like it was yesterday. My father said to me:

"Terry, you are the smartest man I know. When you’re thinking clearly there is no better tactical mind. I wish you would get into politics. You’d be great. But you get into so much trouble when you deal with emotion, any emotion. Love, hate, anger, happy, sad, you just don’t do emotions well. If you can step back, and stay away from emotions you’ll be alright.”

And just like that I was back in the living room helping my oldest son with his project. After we finished, I sat down, pulled out a notepad and begin to write things down, piece by piece line by line. I didn’t deal with love or sadness, just hard facts. There was no hyperbole, no wishing just facts. And while I was doing that a song played in my mind.

The Beautiful Ones…by Prince.

And on the bus ride home, there was no emotion, only peace; no lies just truth. And when I walked in the house and sat at the computer there was no bullshit. Just hard logic, and then suddenly I found the answer, hidden in plain sight.

And the lyrics to the Beautiful Ones went through my mind.

I read the words and then I threw up. All over my work clothes. My mother asked if I was alright and I down played it as something I ate. I regained my balance, cleaned myself up and re-read it. And I read it again. And again, each time with less and less emotion until finally I faced the hard truth:

And when I understood the truth, the words to the Beautiful Ones rang louder in my head.

And I threw up again. But this time I had the strength to make it to the bathroom.

I start to dial the phone but think better of it. I hang up. There is no point. I can never build. My institution just can’t match the legacy. Love and logic just don’t mesh.

My stomach does one more flip and I get it under control. I don’t throw up this time. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I remember a basic rule: There is no emotion there is peace.

I lay out my clothes for tomorrow and prep my bag. It doesn’t matter though. I won’t sleep for days now, but hey sleep is overrated.

All while I hum the Beautiful Ones…

I sit back down at the computer to write this blog, to try to clear my head some more when I realize that the space by my keyboard is wet. Am I crying? Damn I am. I’m crying. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. Yeah. I’m human. Shit stings ya know, but I’ve been through worse and I still am a solider. So I get up and fix a drink. I dry my face.

And I play the Beautiful Ones.

Then reality sinks in. No amount of time, healing or mourning would ever resolve this.

I’ve lost. I hate losing.

And for all the prayers, talk, well wishes and hyperbole, I really was only…..


I feel so sick

The Beautiful Ones indeed.

Straight, No Chaser.
12:30AM
TLT

Gods and Generals Part II: "The Kobayashi Muru"

“How we deal with death is as least as important as how we deal with life”
~Admiral James T Kirk.

It is called the Kobayashi Muru. In the Star Trek universe, it is the ultimate test of character, a no win scenario designed to test ones reaction to an unwinnable problem, creative thinking and ultimately how one deals with winning and losing. The Kobayashi Muru was the last test a cadet took before graduating Starfleet and was look at with the most serious of eyes. Here Wikipedia offers a concise definition of what the test entails:

In this final exam a cadet is faced with a decision:
• Attempt to rescue the Kobayashi's crew and passengers, which involves violating the Neutral Zone and potentially provoking the Klingons into hostile action or an all-out war; or
• Abandon the Kobayashi, potentially preventing war but leaving the crew and passengers to die.

If the cadet chooses to save the Kobayashi, the scenario progresses quickly. The bridge officers notify the cadet that they are in violation of the treaty, which is duly noted in the log. As the starship enters the Neutral Zone, the communications officer loses contact with the crippled vessel. Klingon starships then appear on an intercept course. Attempts to contact them are met with radio silence; indeed, their only response is to open fire, with devastating results. There is no way to win the resulting battle, especially as the computer is allowed to "cheat" to guarantee victory; the simulation ends with the understanding that the cadet's ship has been lost with all hands. The objective of the test is not for the cadet to outfight the opponent, but rather to test the cadet's behavior and thought processes in the face of insurmountable odds or circumstances.

I’ve always been fascinated by the notion of a Kobayashi Muru; in fact most sci fi nerds and fans still use it as a phrase to describe a fucked up situation. I know I do. But more important it fascinated me because I have two flaws that really make me an interesting character:

I don’t handle fear well

AND

I hate losing.

And right now, this AM I have both of those emotions.

Right now I’m trying to build an institution, trying to make it do what it do as Ray Charles would say, yet fear of losing (how’s that for a combo) is clouding my thought process. Sometimes I wonder, with all of the ghosts around am I engaged in a Kobayashi Muru, because the more I sit and think the more I am wondering if failure is what awaits me at the end of the tunnel.

Fear of losing. Man those compound emotions suck.

But here’s the catch to the Kobayashi Muru. You had to do something. Not responding or not acting wasn’t an option, you either helped or you didn’t. There no ignore option or change your mind option.

Love is like politics and politics is war. Therefore, love is war. It’s almost funny when you think about it; the notion that in love there can be a Kobayashi Muru.

It’s scary.

But like the cadets of the academy, I must take this exam. I must see where this goes. My love is real and my dedication is real and even if I lose I must be able to say I gave it my best.

But who the fuck wants to lose? Or even ponder it.

I wonder if I can alter this test like Admiral Kirk did.

Nah, unfortunately I can’t. However I can be brave in the face of all this.

What more can I do…

“Helmsman make course for the neutral zone and the Kobayashi Muru”

Straight, No Chaser.

TLT
11-26-2008
11:45pm

Ghost Rider

“The things he chose to leave behind were sorrows of the past”~
A Line from the poem “The Race” written by Terrance L Thomas circa 1991.

I HATE GHOSTS.

No, I’m not talking about the kinds of ghosts that occupy your typical horror movie or quack job’s fantasy; I am talking about the ghosts that occupy our mental space and emotional sphere. I am talking about the kinds of ghosts that find strength and solace in our memories.

Indeed I hate ghosts.

I think that is why I’ve spent my days battling ghosts. I find them troublesome and rude. I think they occupy too much time. They hold back progress. Ghosts in effect suck. My best friend thinks it’s a futile effort to battle them, but not me. I see this as a natural progress in our growth.

I.hate.ghosts.

I’ve gone up against plenty of ghosts in my day, some easy to beat other which have beaten me, but somehow I’ve always managed to walk away. Indeed, I hate ghosts.

For the first time in a while I’m ready to truly love again, to truly be happy and do the damn thing. I am smiling. I think this is truly “it”. Yet before I can move forward I have to battle one more time against a ghost I’ve never battled before, for this ghost is not just any ole phantom but rather one with a legacy and institution.

And how do you fight those things?

I’ve always argued that politics and relationships are really the same thing. Consider how hard it must be for a man like Obama to come after a man like Bush. The expectations are so high it has got to kill him. Or think of what it was like for Truman who came after Roosevelt, a President so popular he was elected 4 times. Those ghosts ran amuck. I know they are running amok now.

And this is where I am, coming behind a flawed and failed institution, trying to build a new one. Yet those ghosts occupy my hallway. They are like a suffocating cloud invading my every breath. They are problematic.

I was told that I shouldn’t worry about my predecessors, as we each are different. I was told that will only prevent me from doing my job, and complicate matters. I don’t see it like that though, because only be overcoming the past can I move into the future.

I hate Ghosts. I hate battling them. I hate they are here.

But if I don’t vanquish them…who will.

Straight No Chaser,
TLT

11-24-2008
3:15pm

731 Days to Mission Accomplished

“Olympic Torch Flaming Burns so sweet; the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”

~U-God “Triumph" from the album "Wu Tang Forever" 1999

Two years. That’s how long it has taken me to get to this point. Two years. Do we realize what happened in two years? How much time is that in the world? Shit two years ago Obama wasnt even being taken serious enough to be a long shot for the Presidency. He was laughed at. Now he’s the President-Elect. Two years ago gas prices had just hit 3 dollars, now its back down to just under 2. Two years ago, Black Studies was alive at Olive Harvey, now it’s a faint memory.

Of course this blog isn’t a retrospective of history, but rather to show how much life has evolved in two years. So imagine, in spite of all that has happened in those two years, to dedicate oneself, either actively or passively to such a goal. Image you are always thinking of obtaining that which you crave for; (even while you engage in other ideas or actions on a daily basis.

Now imagine if you will finally being in striking distance of that goal. Imagine having a chance to touch and hold what you prayed for. What would you do to be successful?

This is the question I am wrestling with now, trying to find a balance between faith and fate, taking a chance and taking charge. My life, esp. in recent seasons has seen its shares of sweet victories and agonizing defeats. Simply put I understand what drives the flame of that torch.

After two years of struggle, ups and downs, set backs, etc I am finally in a place to build that institution. Yet I am afraid. I am afraid I will lose out. I am afraid I will blow it. I am afraid that when it’s all said and done my vision my not be shared and I may be, as an old friend used to say, putting two on ten. Its humbling as it is painful.

So how does an old solider like myself find the balance in understanding what is in my ability to control and what is not. I keep thinking of that serenity prayer…something about god giving me the strength to change what I cant, leave alone what I cant and knowing the difference.

But do I truly understand “Knowing the difference”? LOL. I really don’t think I do. I just know my head and heart are dedicated and I want to build. I’ve accepted I will make mistakes, annoy, falter, cry and bleed. I accept that as part of the process.

But still I didn’t wait two years not to give it my all; not to try to go all out.

A new chapter is beginning and I didn’t get resurrected to fail. I didn’t find the fountain of youth to remain the same place.

So I close my eyes and press on. Either this is the correct action or the wrong action. Either way I will know the morning after.

That is Straight, No Chaser.

TLT

11-22-2008

3:58:34pm

Revolutions and Rotations

You haven't been "T" in quiet some time and honestly Terrance I miss my friend."~Simply Red

A friend from high school asked me a very simple question, but knowing him it had a deeper meaning (as he was always a deep thinker): " really in to Star Wars, huh? ". Of course the answer is yes. I am not just a fan of movies and the occasional game, but I also watch the lil cartoons, read novels and give George Lucas extra money as a member of the hyperspace fan club. So yes I'm familiar in with the tales of the Jedi vs Sith.

But it isn't that love that dictated my name change, but rather conversations with people close to me, the village, that has forced me to step back and re think some major things in my life. It has forced me in this special year of 33, to ask what have I done, and more importantly have I forgotten who I am.

Who am I. Three simple words, asked as a question or made as a statement, carry implications and power. They force you to look deep within your self and face demons.

In truth, I haven't "been" The Prime Minister in quite some time. I lost my confidence before I became The Emperor's Prime Minister. My brothers warned me, urged me to step back. Dre urged me to smile and laugh, Buck urged me to get my mean streak back, hell Dan urged me to look at my legacy. In truth I listened when it was comfortable, and discounted it when it was not. In doing this I forgot the first rule of of seeking sage advice "knowing when to take advice is the first part of seeking advice". As I reflect on 33 years, in particular the last 5-10, I realize that in short I may have lost my swagger.

No, that's not honest. I have lost my swagger. And my smile.

Therein lies the reason for the name change. Its obvious that I am no longer capable of being "Prime Minister". The only person I was fooling was myself. It is time I am honest about who I am. Most importantly it is time I stepped back and asked what do I need to do to get back to being "The Prime Minister".

The very first Tiger General, Simply Red, called me for my birthday. Yet in her well wishes she expressed worry, she expressed sadness. She asked where was that man who walked into a room and commanded respect. She asked where was that man who went after what he wanted. She asked where was that profound positive thinker who had confidence. She even told me that Wei Yan's defection, while partly my fault, was part of a bigger problem: My lack of discernment since the Nicole era in who I let in my heart and inner circle. She told me to take some time to think it over and get back to that man.

*pause* Thank you Red. The bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and Will has found a good thing! I wish you all many years and blessings"

*play*

I needed time to reflect on all of this anyway. Honestly I have no answers and that is probably the most frustrating part in all of this. A lack of why.

But its time I found out why.

Being the Leo that I am I need to do something with a flair of the dramatic, but at the same time was symbolic at least to me. I thought about using "Afro Samurai", yet I found that symbolism to be to sad, (at least at this stage) and empty, outside of his quest for revenge. It is not revenge I am seeking but true healing. There were other symbols, but I felt the Jedi and all it stands for was the perfect symbol of where I am. Yet in even a Jedi knows when to hide and when to remain still. This is what makes the story of Obi Wan waiting in the shadows for Luke to come of age so enticing. He waited. He watched, he listened, he reflected, then he acted. I need to follow that course as I come to a point of introspection, growth and finally some healing and closure.

Of course, somebody is gonna ask me about the church and why not use Jesus or some other religious icon. That's fair question and here's an honest answer: While those things carry power and are real, they are also clichéd. Every negro in trouble grabs a cross, posts John 3:16 or something else. Even in my state of transition "clichéd" is not something I can muster. More importantly this symbolism needs not be "powerful" for the masses, it just needed to be for me. I have no qualms about explaining what it means (which is the next blog) but at the same time....well you know ;-)

One day, hopefully soon, I shall return to being the Prime Minister. I will fulfill all that I need to fulfill. But today I am not the "Prime Minister". I am a Jedi, listening and watching, reflecting and growing.

The Prime Minister will return..soon, but not yet.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

Battle Weary

By even fighting at all, the Jedi lost~Star Wars Revenge of the Novelization

I am tired. So tired. I have been at war for as long as I can remember. I am tired of the dark thoughts, betrayals and disappointments. I am tired of let downs and set backs. I am just tired.

Its hard to be betrayed, its hard to be abandoned. Its hard to lose, esp on a consistent basis. It gets tiresome. It really does...

There was a time, I could close my eyes, see the world without time and discern what was going to happen. I could tell friends from foes, those who truly loved me from those who didn't. I was able to smile.

Now when I close my eyes I feel nothing but sadness. I feel empty. I feel as if God has left me, and in the place of his spirit is an empty shell alone. I try to touch the power I once had, call upon my gifts and there is no response. War drains a man and dirties up the universe I suppose.

The ancient Samurai believed in the concept of Seppuku, also know as Hari-Kari. It was an act given to a defeated General to regain their honor. It is something most people don't understand, but yet there is something beautiful about it.

Part of me wonders if I ever really recovered from the fall out in 05. I know Nickia would argue I've been runnin on fums sine then, only rarely refilling my tanks, and never past a quarter. I am wondering if that is correct. I never have even truly mourned the lost of my father, whom I miss dearly.

People expect so much from me. It is a fugged up burden of intellect and ambition. They expect me to always get over it, deal with it, think of a plan. I am not supposed to hurt or be wounded. My friends think I should be knocked down a beg. I guess that is why my boy turned on me recently. His betrayal, as well as that of Wei Yan's only affirmed that maybe I am an outdated model. I don't know. Time as always will tell. I do know today, on the eve of my 33 birthday I can take it or leave it.

I'm tired of losing, esp that which I love. I am tired of people forcing their desires on me. I am tired of over bearing expectations, women who don't love enough, women who love to much, other people's kids, bills etc.

Shit I am tired.

Maybe if I had a playstation I wouldn't think about this stuff. I doubt it. But maybe.

But I don't. Today I have memories and pain. Vodka and headache medicane. Revenge and passion.

I also have an understanding of the Bushido.

and I wrestle with the obvious truth.

I am tired

That is Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-9-2008

Notes on Black Politics Vol 2: How Obama Taught Me How to Hate Blacks

“Sometimes the acquisition of knowledge can destroy paradise” ~Professor X

Her name was Leanita McClain.

By all accounts, she was intelligent, upwardly mobile, beautiful and one helluva writer. She was the first Black person to sit on the Chicago Tribune editorial board and by any standards a very successful person. Indeed, she was a product and reward of the civil rights movement. I confess I never read her work back in the day, as in the early 80’s I was more into Star Wars than Chicago politics. I did get a chance to read and learn about her while studying the Harold Washington era, specifically the wins and loses attributed to it. I also wanted to learn why my late father used to look upon that time with detail and pride.

However, more than anything else Leanita McClain is best known for an op-ed piece she wrote entitled “How Chicago Taught Me To Hate Whites”. In this classic essay, Leanita McClain wrote about how the ugly racial polarization and attitudes of Chicago ’s whites toward the late Mayor Harold Washington in specific and Black People in general all but drove her to hate. She questioned her sanity and the sanity of whites, as well as the value of all she had obtained as a product of the civil rights movement. Leanita came to a devastating conclusion, one that never really changed but that she admittedly forgot. Leanita remembered than no matter what she was still a nigger albeit an educated, soft-spoken one. But, it was deeper than that for her. Leanita McClain often wrote of how she felt torn between her success and her people. She lamented how whites never really trusted her and Blacks never forgave her for her success. This complicated her angst, as she felt she had lost the love of her people for being successful; you know we have created the myth that in order to be truly Black, one has to be poor and in the muck with the people. This account touched me dearly. I remembered (during my transition to the man I am now) the many nights with tears in my eyes and confusion as Nickjack tried to explain to me that being successful would not null my commitment. In fact, it would increase it, as I would be truly pissing off the power structure by advancing, being successful AND Pro Black. The other narrative, she argued only affirmed white supremacy in as much as it kept us mediocre and low. I thought about Dan’s explaining wealth to me; showing me that we are the only people who didn’t understand wealth, power and politics. I also realized something else when I reflected upon Leanita McClain troubles and my growth.

Leanita McClain seemed to suffer from the mixed blessing that is “The Gift”, the ability to see the world without time. I doubt if she knew it, but she saw the upcoming battle of the new millennium, as Black people would still have to face American racism, and at the same time begin to question the concepts and notions of what Black is. This had to be hell for a product of the civil rights movement because Black in 1983 had a linear meaning and she defied that meaning. That is why this sorrow and guilt was always a central theme of her writing. This gift, can either take you to great heights, or drive you to unbelievable lows. I know, I have this gift and I am still trying to figure out where it is going to take me. Sadly, I know where it took Leanita.

On Tuesday, May 29, 1984, at the age of 32 Leanita McClain took her life.

This blog this is not about gifts, but rather politics and Black Life. I have come to a very scary conclusion and in some areas, it makes me wonder if I will wind up like Leanita McClain.

So why does Leanita McClain’s story touch me? It touches me because I understand. You see like her I have the gift, the ability to see the world without time and I realize that Black people are missing the boat on some thing major right now. I believe we are so afraid the possibility of winning that we are actively trying to sabotage our own success. We are in at a place in history where our community is going to change forever. What is this defining moment? In a name, it is Barack Obama.

If the Harold Washington campaign taught Leanita McClain to hate whites, then the Obama campaign is teaching me to hate Blacks. Yes, you read that correctly: The Obama Campaign is teaching me to hate Blacks. The curious thing is Obama is not saying anything to force me to be ashamed of myself, but rather our collective response is teaching me to be ashamed, making me ashamed and ultimately moving me towards hate.

From the Black Feminists who somehow think a southern pseudo conservative white woman has their interests at heart over a Black man, to the civil rights leaders do afraid of being obsolete, to the Black Elite who are afraid of their own, to the nationalist who are just plain hating, our response has not been were it should be. Every time I hear one of those darkies, pontificate on how Obama “doesn’t have experience” to “his drug (sic) usage” to “he doest talk about Black problems” I fucking throw up and damn near Black out (no pun intended). Every time I see some coon on TV screaming for Hilary, I go batballs crazy. Are we that fucking insane? Really?

Man if Obama were J ewish or Irish this would be a no brainer. Think I am lying, look at the State of Israel and Mayor Richard Daley. You don’t think J ews find problems with Israel ’s foreign policy worldwide. Hell yeah they do, but generally they don’t SHIT WHERE THEY EAT. You don’t think white Chicago is tired of Richie? Hell yeah, but it will be a COLD DAY IN HELL before they publically flog him and let another one of us in office. But then again this is why they have power and we crave it. They get the joke. We don’t.

Obama destroys notions and conventions that most sambos don’t get or wanna get. He is a threat to their comfort zone. Instead of understanding this, instead of supporting him and seeing where this goes they just hate. I mean like sickening kinda hate. Consider the following groups.

To the Black Elite, Obama breaks the rules. He is in their club, but didn’t have to sell their soul or whore out to do it. He learned the political game and made it work. He didn’t their money nor their ignorance. All he needed was Oprah, the mama of the Black Elite and he has made his shit work. He didn’t need to open a bunch of shitty theaters, marry outside his race, have a horrid TV network or any of that nonsense. He just did what he needed to do.

To the Civil Rights Leadership/Black Intellectual, he represents unemployment. They have milked the whole voice of the voiceless, dictionary to white folks, power broker routine to the point of in effectiveness. They have no new solutions and no new ideas. Hell, they don’t even have new problems. Its just a bunch of tired negroes who’d rather be an overseer on a Clinton plantation than retire on an Obama oasis. Seriously, why would Obama need these tired negroes? Translate what for whom? He comes from the activist community. He’s been in the muck. Oh wait I forgot, that don’t count because he’s not a preacher. He didn’t “mawch wif dawtar king” He doesn’t talk about “white supremacy as it relates to the underclass and the destruction of ancient Kemit in the lowe nile valley”. He doesn’t give “uh duh” speeches. Pffft. No these dudes don’t wanna have to file for unemployment and would rather kill our next level of existence than accept the change. Fun fact people: He is a politician first, an activist second and he is working the political scene not the activist scene

To the Black Middle Class, Obama answers the question that killed Leanita McClain: Can on be upwardly mobile, successful and still connected to your people? Hell yeah! He is upwardly mobile and still connected. He didn’t forget. He married a Black woman with hoodish tendencies. His daughters are Black. Yet, he aint poor and he aint trying to be poor. To the Black Middle class he’s a critique: You can be successful and connected.

To the lower classes, Obama means no more excuses. Nobody is gonna wanna hear shit about the man, racism, white supremacy, no fathers etc (and these problems are VERY real). Every brother or sister who doesn’t do the damn thing will hear “it didn’t stop Obama”. In short, we are gonna have to figure out new ways to resolve our inequities without pointing to the man. Nobody is hearing that and to keep shouting it is like yelling in the wind. Obama is forcing us to address things differently.

This past week I taught a class on politics and culture at a Chicago High School . In this, I told them the final lesson was adaptation and survival. While this may be a scary process, it is an essential process.

So what are we going to do? Are we going to seize this time, adapt and survive? Or are we gonna continue to try to recreate the tired battles of the sixties, that really cant be re-fought in 2008.

What are we prepared to do? That question remains.

I asked earlier if would I end up like Leanita McClain. This shit IS depressing. It is stressful and I am the same age as she when she lost. Is this Melodramatics on my part? Perhaps, as I don’t think I’ll die. I DO have hate in my heart.

I hate my people for not doing what needs to be done.

This is Straight, No Chaser.

TLT

PS: For more information on Leanita McClain check out this site and excellent tribute:

http://www.blacknla.com/news/Articles/VHNightLite.asp

To read her classic essay "How Chicago Taught Me to Hate Whites" go here:

http://condor.depaul.edu/~chicago/primary_sources/LMcclain.html

Notes On Black Politics Vol 1: Morals and Power

What are you prepared to do? ~Jim Malone

One of my favorite movies of all time is The Untouchables. Now unless you've been living under a rock, and totally devoid of any popular culture sense, then you know the premise of this movie as it revolves around Elliot Ness's campaign to capture Al Capone and tell how both sides fight to ensure their agendas reign supreme.

Perhaps, though the most significant line of the movie is when Malone (Connery) tried of Ness (Costner) pontification and moral tirades simply asks "what are you prepared to do".
What are you prepared to do? It's a simple question but one whose answers have a wide range of implications.

You see, as the Prime Minister of a sect of Black Studies here in Chicago, I have come to realize that we are losing because we never really asked ourselves what are we prepared to do. We never asked ourselves how are would we go and what are the wins and loses. I think we got so tied up into moral arguments and doing what's right and honor that we actually handicapped ourselves. I don't think any groups of Black folks at any time really have asked tried to answer this question.

Consider: Did slaves truly know what freedom meant? Did they understand that they now had to create an economy for themselves and set up other social networks to survive? Or was freedom simply to them the ability to come and go, live and love as they pleased?

Consider: Did the civil rights activists consider what happens at integration? Or was it simply the goal to be able to choose where they could take a shit. Did they ponder what integration meant?

Consider: Did the Panthers and other Black Power advocates really understand what revolution was? Did they really think that the power structure wouldn't fight back? Or did they just do what needed to be done?

Consider: Did we at OH do all that we could to protect the Emperor and our institution? Did we consider the implications of our actions? Did we really do everything we should have done? Or did we assume that people would support us because we are right, good and true?

Resolved: We did not do everything we could have done. Like Ness, we were more concerned with doing what is right, than doing what we had to do to win. We were so afraid of being like "them" that we became inept, weak and stagnant. We played fair. They played to win.
And it looks like they did.

Politics and war have nothing to do with right or wrong. Those things depend on ones point of view. No these entities have everything to do with power. One group has it. The other covets it.

What is one willing to do to get it?

This new battle is a test ground for my theory. I believe we have so been oppressed that we can't fathom playing to win. No we need for somebody, some force to help us win: be it god, the moral code of our enemy, the white man, a savior, a leader etc. The other thing is when we do fight it's with the goal of looking good while losing. The church calls that fighting the good fight. We hope that in our "sacrifice", our defeat others rally to the cause: martyrdom I believe it's called.

That's a flawed concept though. I mean people like the underdogs for a time, provided they can pull out a win here and there. But constant defeats, for whatever reason, make you a loser.

Nobody likes a loser.

I am not really interested in fighting the good fight. Those fights, by design, always end in defeat. It can be nothing else. It's based in the Christian ethos, i.e. suffer for the cause.
Naw, I'm interested in fighting to win. Suffering for the cause is over rated.

We need to look at this shit like a chess game. All the pieces matter and nobody except the king are more valuable than the next. We all are expendable. I submit we should have been playing people and situations to our benefit.

The game is about power, not morals. Once you acquire power you can dictate the morals.

Think I'm lying. Ask the Jedi.

They understood Morals; the Sith understood power. The results: one helluva ass kicking.

Put it another way: less Dr. King, more Marlo Stanfield.

Malone, I realize what I am prepared to do.

And that is Straight, No Chaser.
TLT

1-29-2008

2:15pm

Happy Founders Day Zeta Phi Beta 2008!

Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is love ~Apostle Paul

I opened the Friday (1-11) Chicago Sun Times business section and I read something that I found humorous and at the same time utterly disturbing. It seems that Mattel and Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc (AKA) in all of their infinite wisdom opted to create a Barbie doll to commemorate AKA’s centennial.

A Barbie doll. For the AKAs. Sweet Jesus. First it’s Hilary, now Barbie? It seems AKA has a white woman fetish that would make Uncle Ruckus blush.

The jokes write themselves. Never have truer words been spoken to me.

Outside of the problematic of this probably going to be AKA’s only real contribution to the world, (well outside of the formation of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc.) I can just see this slightly darkened Barbie model, devoid of any African features and dressed in white girl clothes being sold as some kind of milestone in Black America. I mean you think that they would launch an Obama doll or hell even a Condie Rice doll, but instead we get AKA doll. You have to wonder what board member of AKA who works at Mattel (or what Mattel Board member who is an AKA) thought that this would be a good idea.

Somebody should have told them that everything that looks good on paper isn’t good in real life. Some stuff needs to remain a dream, thought only during your darkest moments and said in confessionals. This idea was one of them.

While I was reading this article and sighing in disgust, a friend of mine told me “You just mad Mattel would never invest in a doll of for Zeta”. I sat back and thought. When you’re right you’re right. I nodded in agreement and said “Yeah. But Zetas wouldn’t allow that. They are better than that.” I don’t think Mattel would fancy having to make a true doll that represents Black women, with hips, lips, asses, and breasts. I don’t think they would fancy having to make one with natural hair.

But more importantly, dolls like the color pink, is for girls.

Women, specifically Finer Women engage in ideas and activities far deeper than being made into dolls.

Happy Founders Day to my lovely Sorors of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc.

88 years in the game. Jesus, each year it gets better. There were some scares in ’07. But like soldiers and finer women that you are, you pulled through. In personal life and in business Zeta shined brightly. As I continue to heal and understand Sigma, it is your love, like the love of a mother, sister and wife that keeps me close to the table of Blue, and makes sure the dove always stays near and dear to may heart. I pray that this love continues to grow and develop for many years to come.

This blog is dedicated to you, to express in the strongest terms possible that I love you and my loyalty and oath is as real today as it was on that early April morning in 2002. It’s no secret to anybody who knows me that my relationship with my frat brothers has been iffy (but I admit its getting much better), yet my relationship with my Sorors (outliers notwithstanding) has been phenomenal. Throughout my various ups and downs, Sorors have been the constant support and it has been the Sorors who have helped me through it all. It was a Soror by my side during the era of Nicole (my pledge mom), it was a Soror who called me nightly to make sure I didn’t snap at the beginning of the long night (Lillet), it was a Soror who helped bring me out of that mess and pressed me to strive harder (Nickia) and it was recently a Soror who showed me how to get my career back on track (Noelle). These are just a few examples as to why I feel I need to state publically what Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc.means to me.

Sorors this dedication is for you.

To the fallen soldiers of Zeta, like my friend Lisa Ray, you will be missed. Please look after my father, as he is prone to get into stuff all the time. I’m sure heaven has a play ground and he will be there. Keep him out of trouble as you kept me out of trouble.

To the insight full Sorors like Amber and Joy: I appreciate your words and you thoughts. I thank you for helping me walk away from drama when I clearly was missing a sign or too. Thank you. Amber I wish you and Mark many more years of happiness and Joy, you’ve only just begun.

To the chat Sorors: I know I irk yall, but there have been many nights when our conversations and fights helped turn my evening from a boring mess to one that made me think, laugh and even cry sometimes. Ok not cry, but definitely think and laugh.

To my former Padawan Katina: The game has changed for you, as you now have a responsibility bigger than Zeta or your needs. You are now directly responsible for the life of another human being. I pray you keep this in mind always.

To my attorney Lillet: We don’t talk like we used to, and truth be told we don’t need to. Our bond is a genuine as a brother and sister can get. I appreciate you coming to get me in DC. I appreciate you making sure the love was there when pops died, and I appreciate your constant encouragement. This year was rough for you, but do know it only gets better.

To Rev. Dr. BJM: I get it. Before you proclaim everything under the sun to and for a person make sure you know a person. Really know a person. Really know a person. I also will never allow anything to fester that long that it infects me or the people around me.

To my Soror Cretia: My arrogance was my undoing. I appreciated the critique and I understand. My loyalty to these transcends all personal responsibilities. Yeah, I’m coming back better.

To my Cali Sorors: It’s been a minute since we’ve spoken, but do know the love is still there. I aint forgot. I never will forget. I am phone call, email, or text away. Believe that.

To my Tau Psi Zeta Sorors: I have never forgotten Dec. 22 2006, and I never will. If there is one group of Zetas who got a lil more suction than the Cali Sorors is yall. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, just call email and text and I will be there.

To my Dear Sister AJ: You know I’ll be there front and center when you and Ben take that walk. I will be there laughing and crying, happy because we talked about this day for both of us for so long. Do you really think ATL will be able to handle us? I didn’t think so either.

To my new Soror Noelle: My minister of the interior, a good friend who helped make the end of 07 on point, and helped get ’08 off to a good start. I have come to appreciate your quirks, candor, dedication to this bond and to education. I appreciate your help in getting me in the right circles, and I damn sure appreciate your countless nights given up listening to me babble on in pseudo drunk tirades about her, Obama, the frat or anything else. I am glad to have you as my friend, confidant and mentor. We gone do big things in 08.

To the Greatest Zeta of them all Nickia: What can I say that hasn’t been said a million times in a million different places. By now the world knows you saved me. By now the world knows the comeback missions were originally implemented as a means to win you back. Everybody knows that you trump 95% of the population. Everybody knows. But in the past year, you have gone from being a goal to a true friend. You have gone from being someone I desire to someone I understand, respect, and adore. I am your biggest fan and your biggest headache. Indeed, it seems we didn’t have an exit strategy after all. Thank you for all that you have done and continue to do.

To my Sorors world wide, on this day represent and do that damn thing. After 88 years in the game, I think you’ve earned the right to. Indeed, I have faith that the next 88 years will be just as good as the first, hope our bonds will continue to grow, and I will continue to love you all through the entire journey.

Oh, back to the doll. I was gonna order it just to laugh at it one day years from now. But after writing this, I think I’ll pass.

Why do I need a shitty doll? I got the greatest bond a brother could ask for.

And that is

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

1-16-2008