Once More Unto the Breech

In the spring of 2008, I suffered a tramuatic loss than forever changed who I am. It altered my destiny, it altered my community and it had an impact on my spiritual journey.

Now, ten years later I find myself in a similiar battle again; though I am strong and wiser it seems so is my enemy and the stakes are higher. I'm not just a regular dude struggling this time. Now my family, minister and testiomony all are at stake...

This blog once saved my life and helped me process through those rough points in my life. I am wonder if lighting can strike the same place twice; if I am fighting a familiar battle then perhaps a familair cure.

I don't profess to know the answer to that question. What I do know is writing, prayer and God saved me ten years ago.

I pray it will save me again...

In Truth and Transparency
Giving Honor to the Creator who is Forever Praised
TLT
6-1-2018
3:18:12am

Lingering Effects

Sometimes...side effects linger....

My current realities

In Truth and Transparency

Soli Deo Gloria

TLT
5-8-2014
3:59pmCST

JJ's Grill

Just had a gentle reminder how short and precious life is...

So around the old house is a little hood spot called JJ's Grill. Last year during a lazy moment I decided to give them a try because I loathed Captain Hooks. There I meet an Indian Brother by the name of Jude. Jude was an interesting fellow because unlike other Arab/Indian Store restaurant owners in that area, he was actually polite, sometimes too polite, but still polite. I noticed this right away and thanking him for being respectful and not calling me "boss", talking down to kids, just generally not being a jerk. At the time, I was wearing my "Theology requires brains" hoodie and he asked me if I was a Christian. I got nervous wondering if our pleasant conversation was going to get nasty but in fact it didn't. Come to find out Jude was a devout Christian, to be more concise he was an apologetic. I think we chopped it up for like 40 mins that afternoon. I learned that we liked some of the same folk: Tony Evans, Ravi Zacharis, both liked Moody even if we thought they were a bit "crazy". I shared with him my goals to enroll in Seminary during the new year and he from that moment on always called me "Preacher" "Reverand" or "Counselor" no matter how much I tried to stop him, I just would bristle at those titles he kept saying it. For the next couple of months we would chop it up about different Christian topics: Being Saved in a hostile environment, being Christian Parents, the role of fathers etc. I do believe had it not been for the move, I could have seen myself trying to truly be his friend and I like to think he was beginning to see me as such.

Today, having a tired lazy moment I placed the called to JJ's Grill since they delivered to grab me and the Heirs some dinner. Jude didn't answer the phone, another voice did. Rather than explain my order to the new person I asked for Jude since he knew it by heart. I also wanted to surprise him since I didn't get a chance to tell him I was leaving the area. It was his brother who answered the phone and he shared with me that Jude died a couple of weeks ago from a heart attack at the age of 42. I offered my condolences ordered my food, one time for the road. Before we ended the call I shared how his brother was an encouragement and a breathe of fresh air and asked he continue the policy of respecting the community. He said he would.

I had been meaning for the past month to swing by the restaurant on my way home to check in, let him know how school was and chop it up. Each time I'd put it off because I was tired, had to meet with someone, or just because I was lazy. I never got a chance to tell that Brother in Christ thank you for that encouragement at a time when I felt I had zero encouragement or support. It was one more reminder to stop, slow down, enjoy this journey. All this grinding and moving and hustle hustle hustle for what? I can do this and enjoy life. Visit the people and places I love and still be effective. My man TN is right...(and I hate admitting when he's right cause he gooses me) but it's OK to relax, spend time with loved ones and just chill on this journey. No Seminary work tonight, no GO Fund Me website, just gonna hang with my Heirs and relax. This one off day ain't gonna hurt nobody. To my friend..I pray for your family, esp your two young daughters and wife. I hope you are enjoying paradise. Most importantly Jude...Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria

In Truth and Transparency
TLT
4-24-2014
6:30pm

Side Effects of You: Kill Bill

*Author's Note: 4-17-2014. This was intended to be the culmination of a five part series that lead to the Good Friday blog, however after a few Blue Moons, I think creatively, it might be best to start here posting this one first, and place it after the Good Friday Blog. Emotionally, I probably need to dump the emotions tied to the final entry as this has had the most profound impact on me. I've started this entry no less that 20 times and I think tonight in between beers sips and tears I can finish it. Let the weekend of dying and ultimately healing continue. I will return to write the author parts at a later date.
Soli Deo Gloria
TLT

"But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing

And nothing at all keeps sending him..."

~What a Fool Believes (The Dooby Brothers)

I debated on whether to include this final entry in this series as writing about this topic ALWAYS brings about more complications than being silent. But then I asked myself who is it more complicated for: me or the others in my space whom this topic is uncomfortable. However, the first rule in coming out of retirement was no censorship so I might as well be completely honest and write about this person that has left a side effect on me. I'm not sure side effects are even the most appropriate term. Side effects don't last a long time, unless they are residual. This is more than that. This is a gaping wound.

I thought long and hard about how to frame this situation. I kept asking myself what pop culture reference could I use that conveys the entire scope of our seven years together. Ike and Tina? Nah that's too cliched and intellectually dishonest? Batman and Talia? Close, but their dynamic was often complicated by proxy via Ra's Al Gaul. Then I remembered very simply a conversation she and I had some years ago about our dynamic and I realized I had the perfect example staring me in my face. Who we were, who we are can simply be found in the timeless love story (and yes it was a love story): Kill Bill.

For those of you who have been in a coma or living under a rock, Kill Bill is story about two dysfunctional arse people who took heartbreak and disappointment to the next level. I won't offer a full synopsis in the blog but you can either read it here or go check in out somewhere on the internet. I'll wait while you do that.

You finished? Good...now I can get started.. If you have been following this blog you know I've written about her quiet a few times as she has overlapped a number of seasons. She has been through a number of struggles. Yeah she was a major fixture in my life. Of course I'm talking about none other than Wei Yan. You can read about her here, here, and in a number of other posts. I'm sure if you goggled Wei Yan/Blackthought39 you'd get all the blogs mentioning her.   

So what makes this different. Whelp, to quote a line from the Kill Bill, I've never been able to tell the truth to her and what she meant to me. Honestly, I never told her the truth about anything regarding us to all but three people. Conversely, even now I believe she won't tell the truth about me yet that is all immaterial now. The difference is this there is nothing to be lost or gained because of one painful truth: Wei Yan got married. But more on that in a minute. Let's get started:

In our time together she was THE greatest:

• Student

• Lover

• Friend

• Ally

• Step Mother

• Confidant

• Weapon

• Source of Joy

• Source of Pain

• and ultimately enemy. 

As stated, I've written about our dynamic extensively in this space, perhaps as a way to try to make sense of how two people who loved each other so hard, so deeply could ultimately do so much harm to each other. I've put so much thought into US that this last entry in the series was actually written first. Somehow it just seemed proper and true to work on the side effect that had (and has) the greatest impact on me today. While the others do still run through my mind and spirit every one in a while,  more often and not this one keeps me awake at night. This one makes it impossible to ever listen to John Legend or even watch Kill Bill with the same lens. I've read our emails hundreds of times only last month stop reading that love letter she wrote me after my father died in 2006. Yeah. I read the same letter at least twice a month for the past 8 years.

Perhaps what makes this the so hard to process is that now with the hindsight of maturity and honesty, I can admit to myself that I truly loved her deeply. I loved her more than any other woman. Yeah I thought I loved others, thought others really were the truth and maybe a couple of them were that cold (after I this is a five part series) but Wei Yan was IT. I loved and cared for her. I just didn't know how nor want to know how to care for her by her needs. She become my "thing" and I stopped hearing her as a woman and a person. She used to accuse me of quitting whenever it got hard or whenever she didn't acquiesce to one of my demands to find something easier or as she put it an illusion of better. She often accused me of treating her as a tool or as some kind of pawn in a larger cheese game.

And you know what? She was f'n right. The interesting thing is that no matter how many times I thought I found better, the truth is none was better. None lasted. None out shined her when it counted. In all the attempts to break and replace her only one even came remotely close and ironically she's NOT one of the five. The truth is snarky mofo reading this is that I made a choice to get rid of one of the few people on this planet who loved me unconditionally (even if it was dysfunctional) and now I utterly regret it. This decision haunts my sleep and wrecks my spirit. It's par the course with me in matters of the heart. I get pissed, make an irrational decision and then I'm forced to clean up the mess. But this time there is no clean up. There is nothing. Not ever her children I claimed as my own. Nothing. I am deeply sorry for this.

Don't get me wrong I've FINALLY come to peace with the fact she's married. In the back of my mind and spirit I'm rejoicing that she found someone who could do what I wouldn't do. She found someone to love her and be all that I should have been but I was either to afraid or too stupid to be. I pray her marriage be blessed and long. I'm many things. I am not a hater and I don't wish for the worst. I want this to work.

Yet I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wish this was an alternative universe. In an alternate universe, Wei Yan would walk through the doors of this Starbucks, sit at my table and I'd simply say I forgive you and yes. I'd eat the backlash. I'd eat the losses. I'd eat it all because you know what I'd be where I wanted to be. I'd do everything from giving up Facebook to dueling multiple samurai's to make sure this time would be different.

And I wouldn't give two damns to what anybody thought about it. I'd actually hope and pray she forgave me.

But there are no alternate universes at least that I know of. There is the here and now and the promise of a better tomorrow.

Recently, I ran across a picture of her and her husband on twitter. She looked happy. Genuinely happy. My immediate reaction: I got totally sick. Pucking sick. I haven't been that type of sick in years. I threw up right there on the Red line and 35th. I couldn't even cry. I just puked. Then I went home and killed a six pack of beer. Nothing happened. All was left was me and my grief. 

Grief. Brother MB from school says I gotta get this up offa me. I need to write my Lamentations and leave it at the cross. (It's bad that folks know about her in Seminary. I've discussed her in Pastoral Care, with some students in Old Testament, and with some of the Black Seminarians.) He told me to cry and let it out and tonight I'm going to do that. I've already had a healing come to Jesus moment with another dear friend and now I need to have a moment with the Lord for me. I have no other option if I'm going to close this hole in my spirit and move on with my life. This has to die on Good Friday. It has to go in the tomb. I need to mourn and accept the truth. Castles made of Sand right....boy did I make this on sand.

Wei Yan once told me that the time for honoring myself would soon be over. She wasn't lying.  If I'm using the Kill bill analogy Kiddo got her revenge. She got her justice and Bill...got what he deserved....

Giving Honor to My Creator, Who is Forever Praised Amen
In Truth and Transparency,
TLT
4/19/2014
12:15am
*Originally started 1-31-2014, edited on 3-10-2014, and 3-27-2014. Completed on 4-19-2014

Castles Made of Sand...

"So Castles Made of Sand, Fall into the Sea Eventually"
~Jimi Hendrix

If there was an apt description of what the past calendar year would look like, 2013 could best be described as a heavy wave washing away every single thing I built on my little beach called life. With the exception of my children (and even that was washed away as it related to Youngest Heir), and a few scattered allies, NOTHING remains. To give a more vivid picture if the sandcastle example isn't enough, my city (life) looks like Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped. However, I think the image of the sandcastle is most appropriate if for no other reason there is a certain theological context that I will explore. 

But more on that in a minute.

So what did this tidal wave of destruction take in 2013? What exactly was washed into the sea? A number of things which were integral to my existence and happiness: My church home, my best friend, the one person I truly loved and desired, my job, my emotions, my natural home, and in some cases my faith. I'm sure in time these things can be replaced. There will be other jobs and a career from it, my faith is already slowly being restored due to my time in Seminary. Another Church home can be found, new allies made, and even as painful as it is to type, the love I lost (or gave away) can be replaced. I even will have a better place to live. So that's good. Yet that still doesn't explain the why. Why all that transpired happened. There are two simple reasons for this: one spiritual and one not so spiritual. Let's explore them both.

The first and most obvious reason was that on some level God either caused the storm or allowed it to happened. I believe the reason for this is that God needed to see what my infrastructure was made up of in a barren season. In order to achieve this, like so many men of faith before me, God had to make me Anonymous. You see according to Alicia Britt Chole, author of Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours, every so often God needs to see what our roots and branches look like. God needs to see how sturdy we are and thus the excess in our lives (think tree leaves: are stripped away. Once my coverings and trappings were gone, would I survive this test or would I crumble. At the core lie two simple questions that would yield two simple answers: 1) On what ground did I build my faith and 2) Where did I store my treasures?  To the first, the honest answer are that I built my home/faith on sand. I did not obey God in a lot of areas in spite of being sent messengers, signs, and instructions. The response to the second question is even more direct: my treasures stored were no where near heaven. They were in that unstable beach house I put on the sand. In effect, I had become lazy. My infrastructure weak and bloated; like a corrupt city entity I had become self serving and began to take Christ for granted. Thus in essence while I was sprouting leaves I bore no fruit. As the scripture points out, I needed to be put in a whole lot of manure in order to grow. There was no better way to cover me in the mess I needed than to remove the sand castles I was hiding in. But I knew better. On these matters Jesus is clear where to build your home and where to store your treasures. So snarky one reading this, since there are NO social promotions in the Kingdom of God, since there are no sliding or curves I get to rebuild. This time one proper ground and storing my treasures where they belong. 

The second reason is more natural but no less true. Nothing was really taken from me. By not following the instructions in the manual I willingly gave it away. I was not supposed to return to my church. I was supposed to move on. I was supposed to do my best in Arkansas, I got lazy. I was supposed to be more mindful of the needs of my allies and our joint boundaries and I wasn't. I should have never let her go. But I did. I should have told EVERYBODY to fudge off and begged her forgiveness but I didn't. I chose people and a space that is now long gone. Mine was one of hubris. Mine was thinking I knew best. It was the never ending fatal flaw that has brought me to ruin before: arrogance. Nothing was really taken. I gave it all away by not following the rules. This is the truth I take to bed every night.


But what do I do with these realizations? While it is true, I survived, but as one who survived the fire (or in this case a typhoon). But survival isn't necessarily what all this is about. This is about a mature Christian using bad materials, on bad ground, which happened to store his treasures that got washed into the sea.  So the first realization that I need to rebuild, following the instructions laid out. I don't know what's best all the time, if ever really and by not following the plan I'm going to continually get my ish washed into the sea. Yet an underlying theme to in this is something I never really allowed myself to do: grieve. Part of the reason I came out of blog retirement is to write these pure lamentations so I can later write songs of jubilee. It is time that I deal with all the pain in my life; it's especially time I dealt with all the residual scars, the crushed dreams, the guilt and the utter sadness. That's what I am putting on my cross this Good Friday. This is what I am burying in that tomb so that on Sunday I can rise a different man. But I understand the process of the crucifixion. This hurts. It means part of me will have to die so the rest of me can rise. We all have to go through it in some form or another...

For me this process involved learning one simple truth:

"Castles made of sand...slip into the sea....eventually"

Giving Honor to My Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4/18/2014
8:56pm

Six Things I have learned in Seminary Thus Far....

"Seminary Ain't Bible Study"~Rev M. Allen

1) Contrary to what the old men said to me during the Men's Retreat in October (ie it’s the cemetery) this isn't a cold non spiritual place. There are "really saved" people (and even that classification is starting to be problematic for me) in this space. Interesting enough, a lot of the dialog here both in the classroom and in general revolves around my spiritual formation and developing my relationship with God during this journey. Nobody has "taken away my Jesus" but actually got me to think deeper about my relationship to him both within and outside of my own theological box. Conversely, Seminary isn't anti church. In fact I have yet to meet a person here who looks down on the church or non-seminary trained folk. This isn't to say that people like that aren't here, or that everybody here is a true believer (hell cause you find this outside of Seminary) what I am saying it isn't this cold, soulless place where we intellectualize God...although we do think intellectually about God.

2) THEOLOGY MATTERS! I know a modern refrain (esp. in Black Christian spaces) is relationship over religion, relationship over theology etc. but I am learning that this kind of thinking, in my opinion, falls short. Theology, to put it simply, is your operating system in the faith. Do you believe in retribution theology? Liberation Theology? Orthodox Theology? Hell if you say "I just do what God says" then that’s your theology. Your operating system will determine how you act out your FAITH and as such how you (me..us) shows the presence of God to others. Yeah, theology matters big time. Every question, every conversation is framed along the lines of "Where is God in this" and "What's the theology behind it."

3) A mentor told me before I started Seminary that "It ain't bible study or Sunday school". Nothing could have been truer. This is graduate level biblical studies. In essence your churches series on say lust really ain't gonna fly here. I'm not saying toss away your Sunday school lessons per se, I'm just saying that "what Pastor had said" is not gonna get you very far.

4) Denominations aren't evil. Prior to Seminary I thought of denominations as gang banging for Christ. But having met and talked to a few folks, having begun to truly understand the rationale behind them they seem pretty cool. I'm still unsure if its something I'd do but I can say I have a much greater respect for them.

5) The Faith has a history that pre dates Constantine and the Catholic Church. I kinda knew this already and I'm not saying Nicaea wasn't an important event but there is at least a couple hundred years of history before it got co-opted for the Romans. When you learn about the great persecutions that befall the early church mothers and fathers (yes the church had women leaders in the first couple of centuries as it was developing as an institution. We got this woman pastor thing all wrong today. Totally.) by the Romans you realize there was a history and culture that pissed the status quo off and was quite different from the system that say gave us the Crusades.

6) Pastoral Care IS my calling, but that joint is hard. I've had to learn new skills and adapt to new paradigms quickly. This is my hardest class and the one that has blessed me the most. I'd be all day talking about this class but I can say God is in that classroom as I learn the art and science of helping people in a Christ like (and professional) way. :-)

Giving Honor to my Creator, Who is Forever Praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,
TLT
3/4/2014
1:29pm

Revolutions and Rotations: Starting Back at One

So you been on fast train, and it's gone off the rails" 

~Fast Train by Solomon Burke

This month I celebrated my 38th birthday. Like countless birthdays before it, I am celebrating the revolution and rotation in the aftermath of a crisis, specifically losing my gig at Philander Smith College and having to reverse relocate back to Chicago. While my birthday itself was fabulous, the rest of this season has left me lacking words. I just know that  I am wounded, hurt, and embarrassed.

 Yet at the same time I don't understand these feelings. Surely I have overcome so much and beaten odds worse than this. In fact in my entire life I have only failed to "answer the bell" once, and that was the heartbreak courtesy of the Gypsy Soror (that lead me running to Christ). I survived two parents death,  I have been fired before, and I have been on the bench before. So why is this current situation thisclose to making me tap out? What the hell is wrong with me that I am in a funk and depression over a relatively light situation?

Is it because I fell like a total failure? I never expected to return to Chicago with everything reset to zero. I always expected to return at the top. I cried for years to get to the big dance and when I did, after two years I wash out? What is going through the mind of my natural and adopted children? My peers? My enemies? I am afraid to know. I won't discuss this with my heirs and I haven't reached out seriously to any of my PSC babies. I worry how I look in their eyes.

I am struggling with the notion of pride. My sons and I are in need yet I won't ask for help. Serious help. I can bs ask for stuff on Facebook all day, but real stuff I just can't. Men don't ask for help right? We solider through. We press. All we got is our word, our rep, and our pride. Yet the Bible teaches pride is a bad thing. God hates the proud. I am confused by this. Can I ask for others hand and it not be tossed back in my face? My manhood and competency questioned? What lesson is this for the boys? I don't know.

I am struggling with anger. Yeah I made some mistakes, naturally and spiritually, but did you have to reset it back to zero Lord? What did I do to have to return to a place I ran from, and return broken and defeated no less? I know I thought about moving back at one point but I could have sworn you said no. So why bring me back now? Like this? Clearly I missed a lesson so what is it?  I get my calling isn't on that front of struggle anymore. I know what you want me to do with my gift and talents. But how can I do it now? 

I swear this must be how Barksdale felt in season 3 of The Wire. Or more historically this gotta be how Liu Bei felt as he laid depressed and dying at Bai Castle after the battle of Yi Ling. How can one be so close yet so far from the title? Man this stuff can wreck faith and that's the one thing I can't afford to lose as it will undoubtedly lead to the sickness unto death. But I swear if this was The Wire...the montage from season 3 would totally fit my mood (Solomon Burke's "Fast Train").  

I get as long as I am alive I have another day to do it right. I get the story isn't finished. I get something greater later and all that, but right now I am so disconnected it aint funny. I have no clue where to start and can't get enough quiet time to think. I need to figure this thing out because my familia, my friends, and my heirs are watching. My testimony is on trial here. Yeah in the natural and in the spiritual streets are watching. I just gotta figure out where to start because as of this writing I am at zero on all levels and descending rapidly. 

I guess I can start here:

Thank you God for another year. Thank you for my heirs and heiress. Thank you for my PSC babies. Thank you for my network.  Thank you for people who love me. Thank you for an awesome first six months. Thank you for giving me a blessed and special birthday. Just thank you. I love you. I am yours. 

Giving honor to my creator, who is forever praised amen,

In truth and transparency 

Already

TLT

8-25-2013

8:15pm 

To Write or Not to Write

 "This used to be my playground"

Man, this space is old and abandoned. It used to be my safe house, my refuge, my open letter to the world now long forgotten.

Sometimes I miss it. Sometimes, I wanna come back and write. But after that craziness with with "She who shall not be named" and our "true rebound love", I just don't know. You see for as much as I love, this space I also at times loathed it. It was often violated and attacked. It was disrespected. But most importantly it was misunderstood.

There is so much to share, new victories, new set backs, and interesting enough a new disappointment in love, or rather what I thought was love. I guess that's the story of my life.

Anyway, I'm considering dusting off the keyboard and going once more into the breach.

Either way, it was good to visit this place one more time....

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

TLT
11/28/2012
10:45pm

Revolutions and Rotations: Past as Prologue

Gen. Ross: How old are you, Blonsky, forty-five?

Blonsky: Thirty-nine.

Gen. Ross: That takes a toll, doesn't it?

Blonsky: Yes, it does.

Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.

Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight

Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...

~The Incredible Hulk

There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:

• The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
• Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
• My birthday (Summer)
• The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)

It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:

• that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
• listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
• stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
• that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
• spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
• stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
• listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
• protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
• don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
• follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
• let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
• stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.

There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8/10/2012

5:31pm CST

Quick Check in

So much has happened since I last posted it ain't funny. I know I've been MIA and that has been for good reason: I needed to grow spiritually and heal. I also needed to make myself NOT write or rewrite about exes, Black Love or failed relationships.

It is a new season. I'm in a new city and its time for a reboot.

I'll return in September.

Love and Miss you All!

Giving Honor to the Creator, who is forever praised AMEN!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-17-2011
5:21:12pm CST

Saying Amen while waiting in line: The Final Moments of 2010

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
~Romans 5:6-8 TNIV

Confession: After the fiasco of 2009, in which I fought two wars: one based on a lie and another based on a petty beef, as well as my total self destructive lifestyle and behavior I should be dead.

Yet God is so merciful he gave me another chance at redemption and to get it right.

Although broken and battered I was able to make it into 2010 with the promise and assumption that I would try to turn it around and get back to the man I used to be on my own.

However, God had a different plan for me. He proved to me that I was unable to do anything on my own and God did not allow me to be the man I used to be, but instead he allowed me to be a better man. This wilderness trek has not been easy, but yet at the same time it was what I needed in this season to reach my true calling and potential.

In a few moments, I will bring in the New Year with my sons, and for the first time not drinking and lamenting losses, but with my hands out stretched, praising him and thanking him for ALL that he has done: from giving me strength to deal with the death of my mom, helping me raise these heirs properly, putting a BFF in my space to help save me, keeping my path pure, and forgiving my trespasses.

Last year I quoted Howard Hughes "Say Amen" in describing what I felt and my gratitude for making it out of 2009. I confess I really didn't discern the truth in that song esp. when I recall killing a fifth of vodka while penning that blog. This year is different though. I think moreso than last year it is appropriate this year, because I know UNDERSTAND He didn't have to show me mercy and kindness. He could have let the LSC and the DOF be my final chapter and legacy. He didn't. He has given me another chance. He allowed me in 2010 to begin to show myself approved.

I hope truly my parents and my pastor are smiling.

More than them, I hope my walk and life are pleasing to God.

2011 is all about staying in position, living Holy and being obedient.

The line is moving. I need to be ready. While I wait, I think I'll sing a lil song.



2011, shall we begin then?

Happy New Year everyone!

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12/31/2010
11:59pm

The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

The 2010 MVP

Ambassador Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...
Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.
Ambassador Sarek: But at what cost ? Your ship. Your son.
Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.
~Admiral Kirk to Ambassador Sarek on why he risked everything to save Captain Spock, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I wrestled with writing this little ode because the person it honors abhors loud and extra behavior by Negroes, and having seen her check such Negroes I really didn't want to draw her ire. Yet, I felt willing to risk it because I wanted to pay her as much respect in public as I do in private; I'm a firm believer in giving both public and private props where applicable. But still I debated a whole week (two if you count the bout of writers block) if writing this was appropriate.

Yet, not to write this would be a travesty of sorts considering I have written about MVP's who a) in retrospect shouldn't have gotten the award and b) ain't done half of what this person has done in my life. So this year's winner is gonna have to suck it up and endure this moment of extraneous and read (while smiling) their tribute blog.

In fairness this one was over before it really began....which is shocking because I honestly thought it would be impossible to top last years winners. Yet, by May this competition was in the bag; actually it wasn't even a competition it was just me completing the process so nobody could cry foul. It was sorta like the Rahm ballot hearings but on a more personal and meaningful level.

When I think of the 2010 MVP, I often ask myself why I didn't select this person sooner. She is intelligent, wise, caring, a Woman of God, giving, a great reader of people and (with no disrespect) blunt to the point being rude. I could go on about her qualities but then that would only be redundant; just know this sister is as good as they get.

While I was brainstorming this blog, I realized though I didn't see her skills or understand our friendship because I wasn't ready. I would not have recognized the wisdom and favor that my friend has brought on my life. I needed the soul breaking of 2009 to make me ready to listen in 2010. I guess this is what the Bible means when it speaks of a (set) time for favor to come (Ps 102:13 KJV). It wasn't time and I needed to be in a position to receive and finally get it.

NOW, I am aware AND appreciative of what this friendship means to me. This year's MVP is not only my BFF but my Chief of Staff. I once told her father that if I ever got my own company or became an Alderman (or something) that she would be my COS in theory as well as reality; she would be my right hand because there isn't anyone I believe I trust as much on the planet. Our friendship proves that men and women can be friends, there is love in the Kingdom and that truly virtue and wisdom come from a woman.

So without further adieu: Congratulations to 2010 MVP: Nonie Olison.

Per the custom, here is your thank you note.

COS,

I owe you. Words can not express my gratitude for you coming back for me. I mean it. Thank you for coming back for me. At a time in my life when folks didn't know how to help me, when people seemed to think I lost it, when I thought I lost it, you never quit on me. I know you don't like it when I say this, but I swear had you not been on maternity leave the LSC and DOF would not have happened. I would not have experienced that soul breaking moment. You would have saw through her/it/our nonsense and called it. But I guess then we wouldn't have be here? I guess you are right: I needed that to get to this place. So I'll accept 2009 as a corner needed to turn and in the process I can hear my BFF's and God's voice.

I love our how friendship has evolved and grown. I love how we can have open and honest dialog. I appreciate how you keep me honest without condemnation, yet you are straight forward enough to offer insight on actions that don't represent God,the Kingdom, my heirs, or myself. This is rare among people our age. I was laughing with a friend last night and she acknowledged that truly you are the COS and all roads to the throne come through Olison town.

I couldn't agree more.

I know at times I can be difficult and appear selfish to you and your needs as my bff; I can be too Terrance-centric. Trust and believe that is not the case. I am well aware you need encouragement and uplifting as well, but at times I make the mistake of forgetting even the best needs a hug and a Word every now and then. I've been working on that and hopefully it has manifested itself.

Dear friend I know right now you are going through a difficult season. This season is going to test you and push you. I have been there twice. But as God and those three elders are my witnesses, I will stand with you and help you through as you have done with me. The hubby and the kids are blessed to have you and I hope if God sees fit he will bless me with a wife of your caliber. Just as you stood tall with me on both occasions, I will stand tall with you. Your family, esp our Pastor Mama CO has my loyalty and best performance of duty.

I am not sure if you are a Trekkie but I picked the above quote from Star Trek because like Admiral Kirk going back for his friend Captain Spock, you coming back for me was a great risk also. I was as self destructive as it got and you reaching back could have gone so many different ways. But that kind of selflessness is what defines you and your family; you saw the best in me and figured out how to get your friend to press towards the mark of the high calling. Again, thank you dear friend.

COS, I don't want to be overly long, in part because there are no words to stress what you mean to me. I just needed to say and write to you dear friend what I promised. I look forward to big things in 2011 and I am glad we are going to make this journey together. Indeed, the line is moving.

One more time, Congratulations 2010 MVP!

*pause*

And before you ask Naw Negro ain't no U.S. money is attached to this award like in sports. I mean I can pay you in link dollars but mostly your financial compensation is in Kingdom money.

*play*

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
12-29-2010
1:31:15AM

Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

The Longzhong Plan: Parable, Prophesy or just a great story.

Author's Note: The following story and characters is taken from one of my all time favorte books Romance of the Three Kingdoms; the actual text comes from the introduction of the book "Mastering the Art of War" by Thomas Cleary. As the title suggests I think it to be a parable, possibly a prophesy, and a just a damn good read. What you think it means I live up to you. I will simply use the words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and say "whoever has ears, let them hear" ~TLT

In the spring of 208, member of the imperial family of the Han Dynasty and virtuous warrior Liu Bei, was on the cusp of total defeat. Although he was in command of three of nations strongest and cunning warriors: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Zhao Yun, he lacked a strategist who could rival the wiles of Tsao Tsao, his arch enemy.

Acting upon the advice of an former subject, Liu Bei and his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhange Fei, went to visit the Hidden Dragon, Zhuge Liang. Liu Bei was advised that Zhuge Liang was a mind unrivaled under heaven and would alter his fortunes. (As a side note he was also advised to seek out The Fledgling Phoenix, Pang Tong, should Zhuge Liang been unwilling to serve. Tong was seen as Liang's equal of sorts.)

After seeking out the reclusive genius three times, Liu Bei was finally given an audience. After sitting down Liu Bei said to Zhuge Liang "The house of Han is collapsing; treacherous officials are usurping authority; the emperor is blinded by the dust.” The warrior lord went on to solicit Zhuge’s advice.

In response, Zhuge Liang told Liu Bei the following:

“Ever since the beginning of the current power struggle for what is left of the Han empire, many prefectures and districts have been taken over by such men. If you compare current contenders for national power, one of them - the notorious Tsao Tsao was once an unknown with a small force, yet he was able to overcome another warlord with a much large following. The reason the weaker was able to prevail over the stronger is not simply a matter of celestial timing, but also of human planning. Tsao Tsao now has a million followers; he controls the emperor and gives orders to the lords - he can not really be opposed.”

“Another warlord, in control of the area east of the river, is already
the third generation hegemon there. The territory is rugged and the
people are loyal to him; the intelligent and capable serve in his
employ. He would be a suitable ally, but he cannot be counted on”

“Here there is ease of communications and transport. It is a land
suitable for military operations. If its ruler cannot keep it this
would seem to be a boon to a general. Do you have any interest in it?
To the southwest are precipitous natural barriers beyond which lie
vast fertile plains. That land is called the heavenly precinct, and it
is where the Han dynasty really began.”

“Now the governor of that region is ignorant and weak. To the north is the stronghold of the independent Taoist cult of Celestial Masters. The people are robust and the land is rich, but they do not know how to take care of it. Men of knowledge and ability want to find an
enlightened leader.”

“General, you are a descendant of the imperial family, and are known everywhere for integrity and justice. You gather heroic men and eagerly seek the wise. If you occupy this whole region, guard the crags and defiles, establish good relations with the foreign tribes to
the west and south, make friends with the warlord east of the river, and work to perfect internal organization, then when there is a upheaval in the total political situation and you mobilize your armies, the common people will surely welcome you with food and drink. If you can really do this, hegemony can be established, and the house of Han can be revived.”

Liu Bei agreed, and it turned out as planned.

Zhuge Liang became his top strategists.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised AMEN)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-18-2010
12:10pm

Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm