Resurrection Sunday

"Happy Anniversary" ~T.G.S.

HAPPY RESURRECTION SUNDAY AND WELCOME BACK!

Let's get into it.

On this day, one year ago, I died. No it wasn't a physical death although I came close on numerous occasions. Instead I died in the worst way possible. I lost the essential three; it was a spiritual, mental, and emotional death.

With the lost of the essential three I entered THE darkest moment of my life, one that would go on until mid January. I was lost. I had no faith. I had little hope and the love I was receiving wasn't enough to sustain me. Truly it was a soul breaking moment.

I won't recount all of it here. This blog chronicled those events from the day of until the final moments. If you feel so inclined you can go back to read it.

I also will not explore what went wrong. That also was done ad nausea. Indeed I brought some of it on myself, in other spaces I wasn't treated fairly or given a fair chance, and other times it just was piss poor communication. Regardless of what happened all parties will have to stand before the Creator of worlds and give an account. Either way the time for reflection over the "cause" has past. Instead I would rather take the positive lessons, the moments when I was "better than the best" and transform them into a blueprint for how to be a true God filled, God fearing, husband, father, brother and leader.

I won't even discuss the friends lost, enemies made, and reputations tarnished. In this regard I will simply say I do not expect my friends to remain my friends, nor my enemies to remain my enemies, but I do expect me to, hence forth, prepared either way. As far as my "honor" and "reputation" I can only say that I have made peace with my God, I have been given his grace and forgiveness. I will show that his mercy is justified by changing my works and doing better. I have nothing to prove to anybody. The one person I needed to apologize to, outside of my sons, has been apologized too and if given a chance atonement and restitution will be made. Other than that everybody else will be alright.

What I will discuss is how this indeed is a "Happy Anniversary". I confess when the idea was tossed at me earlier today in a text message I was taken aback. I mean at that moment I thought it was pretty rude and morbid to think of a day so full of sadness and pain, a day that lead to so much darkness be considered happy. Really did folks think so little of me and what WE went through that they thought it was a cause for celebration? I was really appalled.

Then I prayed on the matter, asking for discernment and guidance. I checked my emotions. I held my tongue and I was slow to speak. As promised, Holy Spirit comforted and reveled the answer to me, although in the most unusual way.

This day, so personal to me, is no different than Resurrection Sunday. In fact there are several similarities, several lessons that can and SHOULD discerned from the ransom sacrifice and rising from the dead. I just needed to step back and listen.

Consider: Today marks the resurrection of OUR Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is about so much more than pain, suffering, and death. It is about Victory. It is about how Jesus defeated Satan, conquered death, and gave us a way to be in God's grace. While we acknowledge and see his death as an important component in the equation for our salvation we don't harp on his death, it is not the most important moment, the resurrection is. Jesus understood this. This is why, while on the cross, he asked God to forgive them " for they know not what they do." He didn't lament his death but instead awaited his resurrection, the fulfillment of prophesy and his time on the throne.

Likewise, while I am no Christ, today marks a spiritual, emotional, and mental (and in some ways a physical one) resurrection for me; I have arisen from my tomb of despair, discomfort, lack of faith and sorrow. I had to let, now and forever, that pain go. While there are lessons learned and meanings made in what happened, the greater story is what comes next. The story will be in what springs from the seeds of hope that were planted for by me and watered by God through my faith in him.

The LSC and DOF made me a better man. Nobody said my process to be a better man would be easy or smooth. To be concise life is struggle, evolution is struggle, and growth is struggle. While God does not bring evil or tempt with evil, he will use such moments as a teaching experience, to get us to draw close to him. I now believe I needed such a moment. This moment showed me my strengthens and weaknesses. It showed me what I could do and what I could handle. It showed me who my friends and enemies are.

Most importantly it re-affirmed my faith. I am back in God's mercy and grace and I am walking the proper path. Indeed, I am smiling and happy. I have risen from the darkest moment in my life, I have shaken the lingering effects of that time off and ready to use those lessons to be a better man.

When viewed through this lens this is a "Happy Anniversary", not for the love lost, for true love cant be lost, but rather for the dying and resurrection cycle all Christians must go through in order to be complete and healed. It is a "Happy Anniversary" because I understand, I get it and won't ever forget.

With these lessons, with the renewed sense of faith, hope and love, with the renewed connection to my Creator who is forever praised Amen, I can now truly press towards the mark of the high calling.

May you all be blessed on this Resurrection Sunday!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight No Chaser
TLT
4-4-2010
7:13pm

On Rethinking Black Love: Baby Daddy Blues

~Author's Note: I am not completely back from hiatus but I had to drop this in honor of the up coming Valentine's Day to express some frustration. I wont be back full time until around April~ TLT

"They gotta place self on the main throne before they can have a co-regent... otherwise, they'll keep on fuckin with the Joker"~Ekklektia

Happy Early Valentine's Day!

Sup snarky mofo reading this. I've missed yall so let's get right into it.

I.hate.baby.daddies.

I know what you are thinking: "Um, TLT aren't you a baby daddy?"

I am but at the same time I'm not. I'm not making sense? Well let me explain:

I used to be a baby daddy. I was that nigga who wouldn't treat J-Hawk, my BM, right to save my soul. I was a young cat and honestly I didn't know how to make heads or tails about family, being the man etc. So I messed up, she would get fed up and would try to move on. I really didn't care that she left until she started liking somebody. Then all of a sudden I wanted my family back, I cared, I needed her love etc. I kept these "emotions" until her new interest was dismissed or left and then when I felt what was mine was secure, I went right back to the same shit. This cycle continued until she got fed up and ended it; a few weeks later "The Long Night" hit and I had to grow up and accept some truths about myself and among those truths was that J Hawk and I were better friends and parents than lovers. So we evolved, created an atmosphere of truth and transparency and we made a situation that rivals what Will Smith, Jada Pinket and his baby mama got. It's real, peaceful, and honest. More importantly it has boundaries. Neither of us interferes in the others personal relationships unless: a) Money or property has been stolen/damaged, b) there is some kind of abuse or c) our children are disrespected or harmed. Outside of that, I can say with no hyperbole that neither of us gives two shits what the other does. I mean during the "LSC" and "DOF", J-Hawk didn't interfere or say one word until I went into the hospital for seven days. Then it became her issue because my mental health had failed, and that impacted my ability to be a father to those two heirs. She was concerned and wanted the situation resolved, not for her own gains but for our children. This is the kind of balance and respect I seek when I meet any woman especially after recent events. After the shit I am currently seeing and a meeting I had a lil over a month ago, I've discerned that sisters may not be totally emotionally honest when it comes to being over their baby daddy and that is hella problematic.

I love yall Sistas, but I need for yall to make up your minds. Seriously, this shit with the baby daddy(ies) has gotten outta fucking control. I mean really why do yall even claim single and start looking when you know damn well you still attached to this dude either fiscally, physically, or emotionally. I mean why even start something new when you know damn well as soon as this ass-clown figures out what string of words to put together you're gonna go running right back to him like rats to his pied piper?

It's not fair to the men who seek to build something meaningful with you (and possibly your children) and honestly it really begs the question of your integrity. I mean just be honest. There is no shame in truth and transparency. If you wanna wait 15 years for him to finally ask you to marry him, be truthful. If you really need his money to survive or pay your rent, be truthful. If you think no other man knows you but him and you know you're gonna forgive every sin he does because hey its all in the past, be honest. Stop acting like you through when you know you're not. That shit makes me cuss.

Now that the emotional clouds have been lifted, I am thinking/processing on all cylinders and honestly some of the shit I'm hearing, seeing, and living defies logic. Why do you need to have access to his money? Why do you need that information? That is some married couple shit right there. J-Hawk is my G, my buddy and one of my best friends, but I am sure she'll laugh in my face if I asked for access to or information about her money and would press charges if she knew I had such access/information to her money and vice versa. Tell me again why it fucking matters what he thinks about us dating? Why would should we/I be concerned about what he thinks about me/us when the last time we spoke was almost 20 years ago? Again I'm sure J-Hawk would utterly spit hot coffee at me if I crossed such a boundary. Why is he living in your house for the past six months? Ha comedy. If I stayed at BM's house more that two days she's putting my shit on the back porch. I'm a pretty fucking intelligent dude, so explain to me why I can't express love in front of your family cause it would get back to him? If you wanna marry me then why does it matter what he thinks? I can only imagine the look BM would have is somebody suggested she hide an important (sic) facet of her life to make me, the fallen king, happy or kept ignorant or both.

I guess what bothers me is that as a former scummy baby daddy, I know for a fact these niggraz don't want yall and just get a thrill knowing they can have this measure of control over your lives. They (and I when I was doing this) could give two fucks about putting the "family" back together or any of that other bullshit. This shit is about territory. He can't deal, like I couldn't deal, with another niggra all up in the woman he believes is his. So in order to remove that man, he plays on the one aspect that you are soft for, the kids, and you just give in. You shit on and shit can the brother who is doing right, for the one who promises to do right? So he gets back and does what? The same shit he did when you left. He's right back to lying, slapping you around, texting his ex, pissing away the money, ignoring your emotions, ignoring you, not fucking you right, blah blah blah and he's now even more extra because he knows you will get rid of a true king to eat his shit. He knows he has a infinite get out of jail free card. He knows he can fuck up, let you think you wanna leave, come back with tears and pleas of family and in a week you'll be sucking his dick and the cycle continues: wash, rinse, repeat.

Yeah our love life does reflect our real politics. I digress though.

Really Queens how many Kings are you gonna let go in your life because you can't stop fucking or fucking with the Joker? How many second, third, fourteenth chances you gone give the negro who has shown he can't do it and at the same time deny the brother who is doing it real chances? It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine and honestly if he was going to do right and wife you up he would have done so. You don't fight to get back into a place to stay "babydaddy". Let me give you an example: There are three exes I have that if I ever got back with (assuming I am single if the chance arouse) I would marry a week after reconnecting. Why? Because you don't come back to be in the same spot. You come back to do better. Brett Farve didn't come back just to play football. He came back to win a fucking ring. So when you give him his fifty-fifth chance is he talking the championship? I seriously doubt it. I am willing to bet these convos ain't even happening. If these talks are happening, I'm sure it's the whole "when I'm ready/ I aint ready" type convo. As a former scummy baby daddy I can tell you that nothing makes his dick harder than to know he got control over you like that. He's laughing, your delusional and the good dude is kinda salty.

After taking time off to reflect after an emotional meeting (well it was emotional for me) I recently with an old friend, (in this meeting it was confirmed that she decided to give her baby daddy chance number 4,591) I was forced to take stock and look at my last committed relationship, my last few dating experiences and last attempted dating experiences. What I have discerned is that the these damn baby daddy dynamics are the major obstacles to anything serious I want to build, and its forcing me to put further barriers in place to prevent me from being hurt again or given the short end of the emotional stick. I am tired of the Baby Daddy Blues and I need to figure out a way to stay out of situations that will lead to me having BDB. But by putting up these barriers I am shortchanging possibly a good sister who might really want to be true, and might truly have an understanding of how this shit is done like me and J-Hawk has figured out.

Shit maybe Mary Mitchell is right. Maybe yall do need to just marry your baby daddies and get it over with. Oh wait. He's bullshitting on that. My bad.

I don't know. I am trying to figure all this out. I guess right now all I am asking the sisters I encounter (past, present and future) if you know you still got hopes and dreams for that Joker to be the King, don't waste my time, energy or emotions. Don't talk about building anything with me if you even got a minuscule hope that he comes around. Just leave me the along and wait around for him to do whatever he will do and let me be on my way.

Let's all act in truth and transparency.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
2-06-2010
9:16AM

Weathering the Storm: The Final Moments of 2009.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"~A Tale of Two Cities.

During the best of times I believed that I would have proposed by now, entering 2010 with a future wife. Then the worst of times came and I believed that I would not see 2010. During this time came a fall.

Then a Crisis.

Then a Duel.

Which lead to a search for a Better Tomorrow.

In which I had to reconstruct memory and reconnect with my true self.

And I got up from that fall, to show myself approved, to prove once and forever that now there is NOBODY who can out perform me in a big name match; that I am not the kind of muthafucker you put into the mid-card but rather one you build the company around. I am the main event.

In 2009 I lost a queen, a kingdom, an army and the best tiger general. But yet I survived. I fucking survived. This in turn lead me to understand I need to/and will live life instead of surviving. I get another chance at redemption and to live.

Howard Hughes said it best:
"I wanna thank you God for giving me one more chance to raise my voice and to say amen!"

It's a song I sing every new year. I am grateful for this. Thank you Jehovah indeed.

With this discernment instead of lsmenting a lost love, I am celebrating with like minded people in a space where my strengths are not seen as weaknesses; I am celebrating a renewed sense of purpose, discernment into who TLT really is, and a clear appreciation of my strength, courage and wisdom. Unlike this moment in NYE's past there is no sadness, but a sense of peace..long overdue and excitement over the seeds of hope that I have planted.

2009 I bid you adieu. I took your best and survived.

*outstreches arms*
Let's see what you got 2010.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-31-2009
11:59pm

"Reflections, Retirement and Star Trek" OR "A Creative Way To Admit It's Time For A Mental Health Break."

*Author's Note: In celebration of my renewed love for the Star Trek Franchise, I am going to be using a lot of analogies from the Star Trek universe. Where possible I will include a link to make it a little more digestible. ~TLT*

" A commanding officer must relieve himself of command if the mission at hand leaves them emotionally compromised. "
~Starfleet Regulation 619

I am officially burned out. I realized this as I sat in the Hall last night, trying to gain control of my rolling emotions, struggling to digest the spiritual food I was being given. I was able to take in some information, I was able to give thanks to Jehovah for another day, but honestly may head and heart was in turbulence. Actually, this realization came earlier in the day, when I was talking with a friend and she said something to me and I got so upset the only thing I could do was cry. It is a known fact I don't cry openly and for me to respond that was not in my character.

I also became concerned when my anger returned. As I stated before anger is the FIRST stage of grief, and a week or so ago I was in between the forth and fifth stage, so for me to return right back to square one is clearly proof positive that I need to take a step back and heal.

Heal. Man I've been trying to do that for about 4 years now, since I lost all of my crew and ship of the Constitution Class USS Envoy back in 2005. I should have taken time off then. But in order to prove myself ready I took another command, over the Space Station Carson in the western sector. But the staff and I just didn't meld and I was transferred out.

I spent the next two years at Starfleet Academy as instructor, passing up one command post after another until I met a fine officer named Yan. Although other instructors called her arrogant, untrustworthy and reckless, I saw great promise in her. I felt she had to be the stuff legends were made of. Somehow, to this day I'm not sure, she convinced me to get back in the captain's chair. So when I finally agreed to take command off the Defiant class ship USS Joniyah, I made her my first officer. Inititally I was skeptical about serving on a ship that functioned only a warship, the lack of diversity irked me but still the call of battle lured me back. However, my colleagues critique of First Officer Yan provided correct, she was abrasive, prone to disobey orders, and overly ambitious. Yet for all these flaws, she was one of the best first officers in Starfleet so I kept her on. This would prove to be fatal at the Battle of OH, where the her disobeying a direct order would cause us to lose the ship to the Kenborg; we had to auto destruct. This got her suspended from Starfleet and got me a nice dressing down in my file after an inquiry.

For the next couple of months, I considered resigning my commission and taking time off to mentally recharge. I had come pretty close to doing so when an offer came up that I could not refuse. The newest and best ship in the Federation had finally been finished and was in need of a Captain and command crew. After a serious of fortunate events I was offer command of the Sovereign class USS Zassfrana. I immediately jumped at the chance. This command would for a time resurrect my career and renew my energy.

The problem though was that Starfleet wasn't quite ready for a cowboy Captain and wanted me to take it slow. I was ready to take the ship to warp 9 but again I was asked until all parties were tested and ready to go slow. My constant rushing and putting the ship into what Starfleet considered dangerous situations only strained my command more. Finally, after disobeying direct orders and engaging a hostile force at the Back of the yards summits, I was relieved of Command. That shit hurt to lose the best ship in the fleet. I was asked to take a few months off an return to duty, but instead..I only made things worse. Finally it was suggested that I take a medical leave according to regulation 619. I think its time.

I haven't done that in a while, creatively write. But as fun as that exercise was in, it does state a truth. Its time for me to walk away, seriously for a while and heal. For the past 60 days, I have been emotionally compromised, trying to find a solution to a new and life shaking problem, opening my heart and my mind in an effort make something work, and trying to maintain my energy and strength as a father of two beautiful sons. In spite of migraines, chest pains, depression and other maladies I kept pressing forward, I've ignored these problems for years and even after Jehovah told me to sit my arse down I kept defying him until finally succumb to my injuries. Let me be even more frank, I should have walked my ass into a hospital a month ago, but fear of appearing weak, fear of losing, not wanting to leave my sons behind with no help forced me to keep going. I knew my tank was on empty that Friday before the love lock down weekend, but I lacked the words to tell her, I felt it would run her away. I felt that my sons mother would feel abandoned by me or rather I was shirking duties; she lost both parents in 2008 and kept on going. Here I was needed to fold over a situation most people feel isn't important.

But the fact of the matter is this, and a few others are very important to me. Although she often forgets it, I was stung by Wei Yan this summer, maybe not to THIS degree but still I was upset at her dealing with Ken. Truth is when I care, I care and there is nothing I cant do about it. If not caring is part of the definition of being a true man in this era then I respectful decline the label of true man and reject the included definition. Even now I'm not sure what stops me from walking into EMHC for two or three weeks and healing, perhaps its pride, perhaps I want to truly try to learn about Jehovah's restorative powers. I just know today my grief has reset itself at one. I am no longer ashamed of this, and no longer will run from it despite cries from my "people" that I am a "pussy", "weak", "irritanting", "whinnying" or no "longer a man." Its funny from a community that professes Christian faith and love they seem to forget the counsel found at 2 Timothy 3:1 which states: "But know this, in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here." This is apart of the system of things. Hell even Jesus gives me permission to mourn in laying out the 9 happinesses in Matthew 5:1-11. In verse 4 Jesus states "Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted." I need to heal. Seriously. The warning of Nickjack came true: the patchwork healing wasn't going to last because in a face of a serious crisis, which a Love Supreme was, I would break.

So I'm doing what any true man will do. I'm counting my loses and accepting I cant answer the bell no more. I pray, dearly, that my friends and family understand. But if I never heal, my sons wont ever be properly trained.

I want to state for the record, that no matter what happens I don't hold anybody responsible. My mental health is my responsibility and while there were factors, while I do believe people could have been more considerate it is my responsibility.

Today, I'm going to call EMHC and take that mental break and deal with the fall out later. Perhaps one day, when I'm fully restored with the combination of secular and spiritual healing I will be whole again. But today..these rolling emotions show me the truth. Its time to retire.


*Lays Captain's rank on the desk*

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
5-27-2009
1:21pm

In the middle of the Night.....

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write.....

Heirs to the throne:

I gotta thank Jehovah for my children. I mean they truly inspire me and motivate me. After the Saturday I had, I just wanted to lay in bed and well I wrote how I felt and wont sully this blog with those thoughts. It's amazing that no matter how down I get Snarky Pre Teen and Wild Child are there to pick me up and encourage me. You combine that with the wisdom that is my Queen Mother Tony and it is very had to stay in a dark place. I managed to get out a smile or two, I even managed to eat a bite with my fluctuating appetite. I truly love my suns, my sons, my heirs, my legacy my polar opposites. Sometimes, while asking where would I be if...I need to remind myself that life with them is a never ending blessing. I don't want them to use their young energy to restore me all the time, but I ain't gonna lie days like yesterday was a welcome jolt.

Thanks Guys....


Who Do I write for...

A comment was left on my blog asking if I write for attention or if I write hoping she's reading. Well I guess the answer is in an albeit snarky manner is yes I write for attention and yes I hope she's reading and no I don't write for attention and I hope she's isn't reading.. Confused? I figured you would be. Let me explain. I'm a blogger, so by definition I want people to read what I write, I have what I believe to be insight on the notion and institution of Black love and want to share with all you people who may or may not be reading. But even if nobody does read this or stops reading this blogging is a very therapeutic release for me. 9 times out of 10, I feel a helluva lot better once I finish blogging. In terms of her, well yes I hope she reads. Since we're not speaking and I seem to always say something overly emotional or gay when we talk I think the blog is, as of right now, the best insight into my mind. This blog is an insight in to my heart, mind, conscious and soul. But at the same time its not a propaganda tool, and I'd rather she not read often or any of my other "subjects" because the Hawthorne Effect is real and when you know people are watching you tend to say and do the right thing in order to achieve a goal. Straight, No Chaser is not a political tool, nor a propaganda item. It's my free therapy and I will do whatever to keep it that way. Speaking of her...

She really don't love you, let her go...

I hear this often and honestly I need to stop letting folks tell me that. I am a firm believer that love is not created overnight, nor can it be destroyed. So while we aren't talking, while my imagination is running wild over here on the South Side, I can't honestly say she don't still love a negro to death. This ain't about love but...about...honestly...I ain't figured that part out. I am going to have to be very careful who I accept council from because the last two times I've listened to this hearsay I've gotten in trouble big time (the situation with Nickjack and the situation with W.Y.). Sometimes you gotta follow your gut and my gut tells me......
well never mind that snarky mofo reading this. Now if I can only get my ADD under control long enough to fix...whatever...I don't know it's 3 in the am.

Just get over it...

Another of my recent favorites and it took an old (new) friend to remind me that our spirits and emotions react to things differently. I could be more positive, less dramatic and listen more but these "minor" flaws do not negate the validity of my emotions and anybody who minimizes how I feel and the pain I'm in now really ain't down for me. I'll keep that in mind...

Technology

I FINALLY MASTERING BLOGGING FROM THE BLACKBERRY. It's linked together. So now I can stop using voice recorder and napkins to jot down ideas. Man you gotta love technology.

OK, my cocoa just kicked in. I'm lay it down again.

Nite Blogspot

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-11-2009
3:45am

Sins of the Father Pt. 8: Dreams

"I need you to protect my wife and protect this house" ~LeMar Thomas

For the third time this month I've dreamt of my father. Not just any dream but a lucid dream, where he is sitting there, or cooking or laughing. In this last dream, he just walked through the front door in his funeral suit, upset that we buried him and didn't even leave him a sandwich. He sat in his favorite chair and told me to get off the computer.

He also lowered his head and told me he was SO disappointed in me. He then proceeded to assign me some menial tasks to complete for him, "favors" he used to call them and he asked these favors when he was annoyed with you and wanted you out of his sight.

Needless to say I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I woke up with asking myself what WOULD he say if he walked through that door right now. Would he be proud of me? Would he be satisfied with the outcome of the tasks he asked me to complete? Would he be glad I'm carrying his name? Would I get that smile that I so often sought as a little boy and adult man, but rarely got?

If I were to answer this question honestly then I would have to say no. My father would be very disappointed in me. I haven't been protected his family, I haven't held my mom down as I should and I haven't..well shit there's a lot of things I haven't done.

I know for a fact he would be thoroughly disappointed in how I've made a mess of some many things, both professional and personal. He once praised me for being the best tactical mind he knew, the one person to stand tall and calm during the storms and the one person who would know what to do when it needed to be done. He truly would shake his head in disbelief at how I've operated the past two years. This morning, this gloomy morning it gives me a lot to think about as I talk with Jehovah and as I take a morning drive.

I read that I could be experiencing an early midlife crisis. I'm at the half way point and I'm looking at my victories, defeats and draws. I'm looking at where I wanted my life to go as opposed to where it has gone. I've looked at loved lost, esp this past month and I think I'm up to the third woman that was supposed to be a slam dunk in the wife category. Or at the least the second. I look at my credit score and.....

and I realize this is all the trick of the devil to slow me down and make me gloomy. But still I struggle with things. I mean the skills and qualities once revered: Intelligence, cunning, passion, and persistence, are now seen as flaws. There was a time me fighting for Queen would have been seen as beautiful and inspirational, now its gotten me cleanly put into the crazy box, even if it is beautiful and inspirational. There was a time where my intelligence and cunning made me the center of attention, now its isolated me.

I don't know. I just know today I gotta lot to talk to Jehovah about, a lot to cry about and even a lot to smile about.

I can smile at the fact that I've given CJ and Debo my all. He would be proud of that. I can smile that my sons and I share a bond, and they often give me the well needed boost. I can smile that they are well behaved, happy, handsome and smart. He would smile at them too.

Esp Devin ;-).

Still, in the morning, I will have to talk to my dad. He will want answers as to why I haven't completed some tasks. He will want to know why I stopped thinking and acting and became reactionary. LeMar will want answers and as a former CPD detective he will get them. He also had that gift.

Hopefully, I'll have better answers by the time we meet.

I miss you LeMar.

Straight, No Chaser
5-9-2009
10:39am

Sins of the Father Pt. 7: Resolution

"What greater weapon is there than to turn an enemy to YOUR cause?
To use their own knowledge against them?" ~Bastila Shan

OK, I've whipped up a breakfast worthy of a Black College student: reheated Swai fish, oriental vegetables in teryikai sauce with red beans and rice; to wash it down I've got a bottle of cran-apple juice that was left over from my vodka splurge. I also uh..."mediated" while listening to the rain. I really wonder if I am going to be able to make it. I still sad.

So I've eaten, drunken and am merry, let's get back to my story.

OK to the story...

So I haven't spoken with anybody on my father' s side since Dec. 22 2006, I've ignored numerous requests to build, to sit down, to talk. Honestly there wasn't anything to discuss, my mother was disrespected at my father's funeral no less. There was nothing to talk about.

Fast forward a couple of years....I am in the process of transferring my sons out of their suburban schools and into a new CPS school. Since my wonderful boys are uppity suburbans kids I was looking for a way to give them a lesson in negro-ology; helping to them to learn rather quickly the norms and ways of the hood and niggerdoms so they can survive this transition and so I wont kill somebody's child or some child's parent.

I spent the weekend with my boys, technology free pondering this problem; I needed to find a resolution quickly and low and behold an answer would appear in the form of my brother. I had all of the children this weekend and he wanted to me to bring my niece by so they could go to a party on my cousins on dad's side was throwing. He also asked if I could end the embargo and at least let the boys come.

This provided the perfect opportunity to train them in the ways of niggerness. I said I would come along to monitor, but not participate.

Upon my arrival my two older cousins broke down in tears. They were happy to see me and pleaded with me to end my embargo. I told them no, I would not be returning on a full time basis, however I would be around as long as it took my suns to be integrated into the family and then I would be ghost.

But then I saw someone who shook me to my core, to made me re-think all of my bitterness and anger and hostility. I saw my younger cousin Quenisha, aka Queen, who has been on my hip since she was a baby. If there is a family member who probably can soften my heart it is Queeny.

We hug and she begins to cry. She asks me where I have been, letting me know my presence was missed by the younger cousins. "We really didn't have nobody to talk to. You the smartest one." That kind of compliment both warms your heart and weighs on your soul as you reflect on your actions.

We sit down, still teary eyes and I ask Queeny how she's been and she process to tell me her life over the past 2 plus years. She had school problems, she was rapped and my older aunts refused to get her therapy so she "wont relive it", she needed advise on men, and she wants to go to college next year when she graduates but is being dissuaded from doing so.

I shook my head. Then I remembered the lesson from this past week: War clouds Judgement. In waging my war, I didn't think about the children, mine and theirs who need the bond and needed my guidance. I never thought that I'd be seen or had been saw as some kind of person to aspire too.

The fact is I was a role model and something different, a break from the norm, a window to a world they may or may not ever see.

It was in this revelation that I also figured out how I can break a cycle and win a war. If you remember snarky mofo reading this, when the Israelites got on Jah's nerves bitching about hardships of freedom and had no faith he decreed none of the adults save for Joshua and Caleb would see the promise land. To be concise Jah vowed that none over the age of 20 would see the promise land. These two facts have helped shape my new policy on my father's people.

First, as of this past weekend I no longer will hold any amenity to an entire group. To be exact like Jah, nobody under the age of 22, (as of his death) will be punished for the mistakes of the elders. I also believe at their age they lacked discernment and maturity to understand what was going on and to make decisions themselves. I also am not applied my beef to four of my cousins, Yogi, Shawn, Tanya, and Antonio who is locked up but managed to write my mother ever day. In terms of my aunts the two that paid her respect will also be forgiven.

Wow that is such a weight off of my chest.

I also realize the greatest insult in a sick way to them is to help the next generation be better. Help Queeny go away to school and escape the madness she wants to escape. I want Bre to be an honor roll student. I want them to be fine young men and women. Wouldn't it be ironic that the one person they cant stand is the one person who helps their children grown?

I want all of them, esp Queeny to grown into fine adults. I want the ignorance in that family to die.

I think its a win win.

This weekend I am going to go to lunch with Queeny. We're gonna sit down and discuss life, dating hopes and dreams.

Maybe helping her will prepare me for mine.

Maybe helping her will heal my heart. I don't know.

I do know is I'm sorry I made the youngins suffer. War clouds judgment.

Indeed it does.

I wonder if Queeny would like Chinese food?

Time to expand her world view

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
11:30am

Sins of the Father: A Historical Review

"There will be NO further negotiations on this matter.
Deal with it or dont" ~
Me to my Aunt Louise after they tried to punk my mother.

First a historical review: Before I post the on the topic dealing with my family I feel a need to give you a back story. I know my long time readers and personal friends might be familar but you new folks are gonna love this story. Here we go.

As you all may know (or should know) by now on Dec 16th 2006, I lost my father to cancer. It was an emotional time that I had documented via a series of blogs posted on Myspace at the time called "Sins of the Father". This series chronicled everything from my frustration at my mother for her decisions to the night they took him out the house one final time to his to the plots of my aunts and other family members, to this funeral and the aftermath. In my opinion this was my best written work but sadly, a crashed computer and a deletion of Myspace page made it unable to retrieve any of that work. I found a few files on Gmail and I have them stored on a lil pen drive that wont read, but other than that the only Sins of the Father that remains is part 5, the account of his funeral (which can be found under the Dec 2006 section of my blog or by clicking on the link).

Just prior to his death, my father converted to become a Jehovah's Witness, a decision that did not sit well with his sisters, whom happen to be...yup you guessed it baptists. They did/do not like my mother as they felt she was uppity, and didn't engage in the mass niggerdoms that seem to uh dominate my father's side of the family. I do believe only his children are the only ones college educated, free of felonies and can read and or write. So needless to say my mother's Hyde Park reared arse did not mesh well with the slack jawed yokels of the Bailey clan.

Damn, my biases are showing and I am not objectively reporting the account.

Sorry. Let us move on...

When he was diagnosed as terminal my father wrote each of his siblings a letter telling them that he wished his funeral and burial be in accordance with the way a Jehovah's Witness would be held, my mothers word was law and he tasked me to enforce this by any means necessary short of murder.

I wont bore you with the intricate plots but basically my aunts with "assistance" from two of my brothers actively worked to undermine my mother's every decision including trying to buy an extra night and service from Gatlin's. Yes these "women" raised about 3G's to hold a special service as opposed to say um...giving it to my mother. Basically the end result was me using every political trick in the book to make sure my mother under grief didn't violate my father's wishes and I almost turned Wei Yan lose on a few of them.

Indeed good times by all eh?

Defeated, two thirds of my father's people "missed the funeral", as Monday was Christmas, his funeral was a Friday and they chose holiday pay over paying respects. Those that didn't go to work refused to come to a "Jehovah funeral" hell my aunt went back to Atlanta rather than come into a Kingdom Hall.

Did I mention that those who did come and show up sat with his first wife and comforted her. My mother sat in the corner alone with only a few friends from the hall making helping her, that and her granbabies.

Even typing this account makes my chest hurt.

Only 2 aunts out of 5 showed my mother any kind of respect.

Had it not been for the lovely women of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. we would have had a shitty repass. This is why I haven't left the table of Blue, my sorors..during this time. I can never repay that. Ever. One day I'll tell you how the Sigmas reacted.

You know I got a ugly bitterness in my mouth over this era.

OK moving on.

So this week, which still holds the record as worst.week.ever. had a number of implications:

• It caused a rift between my brothers that really still hasn't healed. Honestly it wont fully heal until they offer my mother an apology for treason
• It caused me to be utterly weary and distrustful of baptists. Think racial profiling but instead of race think denomination.
• Zetas have a lifetime commitment from me.
• I refused to talk to everybody on my father's side for any reason.
  

This last point is important because I've missed funerals, birthday parties, weddings, births, damn near everything. My suns weren't allowed to communicate. I mean I saw folks on myspace and facebook and just wouldn't fox with them at all.

I know snarky mofo reading this you're asking "Was it that serious?"

Yes it was.

I was given a task by my father. No compromise. My mother was disrespected. My parents faith was disrespected. I mean, I won't name who but one of the conspirators whispered in his ear something to the effect if he didn't renounce Jah he would burn in hell. My father being the ADD filled creature he was later in the day blurted out "Please no I don't wanna go to hell".

Since when does a JW...never mind. Heart pumping faster. But this should give you a lil more insight as to why I am the way I am. Moments like this.

Oh my favorite. My mom was trying to fix my dad's oxygen, wipe his face or something and clearly it was bothering him so he managed to put his hand up. My ignant aunt replies "He do it again smack his hand." Or was it spank his hand? I forget.

The point is since when do you slap a dying man's hand? Or spank a grown man? Ignant ba...

Give me a moment. Lemme think a happy thought.

.
..
....
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Ok, there. As I was saying it was made niggerdoms and I wrote it all down. Sigh. But something happened over the weekend that I will post in another piece that softened my heart, even if it didn't totally reverse my position.


Lemme make some breakfast and I'll post the second half. I'm break this up into two pieces as this one has gone on way too long and there is just too much emotion in this piece.

Brb
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
9:30AM