For months I've struggled with what to put here to describe this blog. I have found the words. This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.
All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:6-8 TNIV
Confession: After the fiasco of 2009, in which I fought two wars: one based on a lie and another based on a petty beef, as well as my total self destructive lifestyle and behavior I should be dead.
Yet God is so merciful he gave me another chance at redemption and to get it right.
Although broken and battered I was able to make it into 2010 with the promise and assumption that I would try to turn it around and get back to the man I used to be on my own.
However, God had a different plan for me. He proved to me that I was unable to do anything on my own and God did not allow me to be the man I used to be, but instead he allowed me to be a better man. This wilderness trek has not been easy, but yet at the same time it was what I needed in this season to reach my true calling and potential.
In a few moments, I will bring in the New Year with my sons, and for the first time not drinking and lamenting losses, but with my hands out stretched, praising him and thanking him for ALL that he has done: from giving me strength to deal with the death of my mom, helping me raise these heirs properly, putting a BFF in my space to help save me, keeping my path pure, and forgiving my trespasses.
Last year I quoted Howard Hughes "Say Amen" in describing what I felt and my gratitude for making it out of 2009. I confess I really didn't discern the truth in that song esp. when I recall killing a fifth of vodka while penning that blog. This year is different though. I think moreso than last year it is appropriate this year, because I know UNDERSTAND He didn't have to show me mercy and kindness. He could have let the LSC and the DOF be my final chapter and legacy. He didn't. He has given me another chance. He allowed me in 2010 to begin to show myself approved.
I hope truly my parents and my pastor are smiling.
More than them, I hope my walk and life are pleasing to God.
2011 is all about staying in position, living Holy and being obedient.
The line is moving. I need to be ready. While I wait, I think I'll sing a lil song.
2011, shall we begin then?
Happy New Year everyone!
Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.
In Truth and Transparency, Straight, No Chaser TLT 12/31/2010 11:59pm
"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr. "Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.
Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.
2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.
2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.
2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.
2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.
In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.
2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.
Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.
After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.
In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.
Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.
The line is moving.
I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*
Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.
In Truth and Transparency, Straight, No Chaser TLT 12-30-2010 4:15am
Author's Note: The following story and characters is taken from one of my all time favorte books Romance of the Three Kingdoms; the actual text comes from the introduction of the book "Mastering the Art of War" by Thomas Cleary. As the title suggests I think it to be a parable, possibly a prophesy, and a just a damn good read. What you think it means I live up to you. I will simply use the words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and say "whoever has ears, let them hear" ~TLT
In the spring of 208, member of the imperial family of the Han Dynasty and virtuous warrior Liu Bei, was on the cusp of total defeat. Although he was in command of three of nations strongest and cunning warriors: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Zhao Yun, he lacked a strategist who could rival the wiles of Tsao Tsao, his arch enemy.
Acting upon the advice of an former subject, Liu Bei and his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhange Fei, went to visit the Hidden Dragon, Zhuge Liang. Liu Bei was advised that Zhuge Liang was a mind unrivaled under heaven and would alter his fortunes. (As a side note he was also advised to seek out The Fledgling Phoenix, Pang Tong, should Zhuge Liang been unwilling to serve. Tong was seen as Liang's equal of sorts.)
After seeking out the reclusive genius three times, Liu Bei was finally given an audience. After sitting down Liu Bei said to Zhuge Liang "The house of Han is collapsing; treacherous officials are usurping authority; the emperor is blinded by the dust.” The warrior lord went on to solicit Zhuge’s advice.
In response, Zhuge Liang told Liu Bei the following:
“Ever since the beginning of the current power struggle for what is left of the Han empire, many prefectures and districts have been taken over by such men. If you compare current contenders for national power, one of them - the notorious Tsao Tsao was once an unknown with a small force, yet he was able to overcome another warlord with a much large following. The reason the weaker was able to prevail over the stronger is not simply a matter of celestial timing, but also of human planning. Tsao Tsao now has a million followers; he controls the emperor and gives orders to the lords - he can not really be opposed.”
“Another warlord, in control of the area east of the river, is already the third generation hegemon there. The territory is rugged and the people are loyal to him; the intelligent and capable serve in his employ. He would be a suitable ally, but he cannot be counted on”
“Here there is ease of communications and transport. It is a land suitable for military operations. If its ruler cannot keep it this would seem to be a boon to a general. Do you have any interest in it? To the southwest are precipitous natural barriers beyond which lie vast fertile plains. That land is called the heavenly precinct, and it is where the Han dynasty really began.”
“Now the governor of that region is ignorant and weak. To the north is the stronghold of the independent Taoist cult of Celestial Masters. The people are robust and the land is rich, but they do not know how to take care of it. Men of knowledge and ability want to find an enlightened leader.”
“General, you are a descendant of the imperial family, and are known everywhere for integrity and justice. You gather heroic men and eagerly seek the wise. If you occupy this whole region, guard the crags and defiles, establish good relations with the foreign tribes to the west and south, make friends with the warlord east of the river, and work to perfect internal organization, then when there is a upheaval in the total political situation and you mobilize your armies, the common people will surely welcome you with food and drink. If you can really do this, hegemony can be established, and the house of Han can be revived.”
A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).
Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).
However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.
No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.
Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.
Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.
Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:
*pause* Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this. *play*
...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.
All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser
Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.
But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."
OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies." That's a little closer.
Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."
We're getting there.
Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:
This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.
Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*
But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...
Not as bad as some, but better than enough. And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.
In truth and transparency, Straight, No Chaser TLT 4-11-2010 6:23pm
I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.
I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.
Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.
Ask The Tech.
Ask C.V.
Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.
I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.
Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.
But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.
But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:
1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?
2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?
3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"
If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.
If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.
It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.
I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.
It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.
It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.
As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.
I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.
"Now in the game where only time will tell, survived the droughts I wish you well. Survive the droughts, I wish you well. How sick am I? I wish health. I wish you wheels. I wish you wealth. I wish you insight so you can see for yourself."~Jay Z
"All good things they say never last." ~Prince
Happy Holidays to all,
Take a walk with me...
When I sat down to write my first piece on Blackplanet discussing how becoming a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. made me feel, I had no idea almost eight years later I would have become a budding author who had the power of the pen just as I had the power of the tongue. When I wrote that rough piece, I didn't think that the concept of blogging would ever be something I did or got into(even though in fairness blogging wasn't a big thing back then). All I was trying to do was convey my feelings to the world; I wanted my non Greek friends to understand and appreciate the sincerity and dedication of me becoming a man of Sigma.
I noticed that I like writing and while I didn't do it often, I did it enough and every now and then I put out some gems, yet I was still no where near the man I would become. Those joints were rough.
When the period of my life dubbed "The Long Night" began I wrote to help me through that. I didn't put any of that stuff I wrote on the net, but instead inside a notebook I have to this day. I really didn't have discernment nor tack back then and honestly I was afraid of what others might think of me. My fear of shame kept me from posting what was on my heart and head. However, writing helped me through that chaotic times and served as a therapeutic outlet.
I got through that and time marched on. I moved into a new phase of my life. Thanks to Myspace and their blog function, I was able to begin to write about some of the complications of "The Second Renaissance" in early 2006. This was the moment in time where I finally decided to be more than The Emperor's student but rather forge my own way in life, love and my career. I blogged a lot during that time; in fact a lot of my fans on this site feel in love with my writing then. Regrettably, I took down those blogs to appease a friend who felt I shared to much of our business in my writings. This regret is compounded when I lost the disk drive the files were stored on. I resolved never to allow myself to be edited or censored like that again.
It was not until I watched my father die in late 2006 that my writing truly developed and evolved. I was able to channel the pain and frustration of "A Death in the Family" into some powerful pieces, sadly these were lost when I deleted the aforementioned Myspace account without saving them. Only one of the original entries from that series entitled "Sins of the Father" remain. Even with that, I credit my time on Myspace with teaching me how to channel my words and make the blog cry, when I could not or would not.
Throughout 2007 and 2008 I often wrote about my personal challenges as well as political observations. I talked about returning to Black Studies and for the first time in my life outlined what I wanted in a woman. I even wrote a couple of political pieces dealing with the meteoric rise of Barack Obama en route to the Presidency and the how the initial reluctance of the Black middle class irked me to no end. This piece made me, for a moment, an internet sensation. It also affirmed to me that I have a gift for deep scholarly thought as Mr. Allen (The Emperor) had so often spoke of. Conversely, if the Obama piece made me a sensation in the political realm the equally infamous "Relationship Hierarchy for Black Folks" gave me a name in the relationship boards and on spots like Black Planet. The success of these two pieces caused me to become a pseudo celebrity and but also showed me I was a well rounded brother.
Throughout 2008, I spoke of my challenges like Wei Yan's defection and helping my sons readjust. But in my opinion, it wasn't until October of 2008 when I finally connected with (the)Queen that I truly blossomed as a writer. Without going into details of this, as many of you have been on board during that journey, I finally understood life, love, writing as well as the power of life and death in pen. I don't want to be misleading or coy with words, I was already a damn good writer. This moment just provided me with the clarity and motivation to see how it called connected which made me rise in skills.
By now you're asking "where the hell are you going with this?"
I've gone over my writing "career" to let you know how much your support over the past seven years has meant to me. I thank you for allowing my to share my world with you, to heal, to laugh, to cry. In fact, you all had insight to what probably the world's longest love letter the "Love Supreme" and "Duel of Fates" series. I will admit that at times I used to this blog to speak to her, I am not sure she heard but I felt the pen would succeed were my words and times actions had not. You had through this blog, a window into my soul as I tried to regain a piece of Eden and the one component I feel/felt would make my dynasty complete. It made many people angry, it made many more cry; I am sure she has mixed feelings about my writing but it must be stated with no hyperbole that without this blog I would have not made it. I needed this outlet. I needed the banter and exchange of ideas this blog brought.
I also retraced my history prepare you for what comes next. In January 2010, after the Zeta Phi Beta annual tribute I will be retiring the blog. While I will not delete it out of respect for those who have supported me and would like to read some of the classics, I will not post anything new.
I think this is best as I continue to heal, reconnect and reconstruct my historical memory and try to grow. I need to go do some other things, maybe finally write my book, something. I don't think I can or should spend any more time writing about my heartache. Right now I just don't have anything new to talk about and I promised myself that if Straight, No Chaser ever lost its balance I needed to hang it up. If we really want to be honest and frank, this decision about 5 months late. I appreciate the gems I dropped, even the "morbid" ones, I am happy for the lessons learned and meanings made, truly. But I want Straight, No Chaser to regain that balance and until I regain it, if I ever regain it, then its time I walk away.
I laugh at this one dimensional style my blog has taken because I remember in one of our more intimate playful moments, (the)Queen remarked on my reduced writing (as she is/was a ardent supporter) and said "You can only write when you're sad or upset. I'm quit you to make sure you keep writing." and giggle. Little did we know that horrible moment would be fall us one month later and I haven't stopped writing since. But my shit's gotten redundant. As an intellectual and creative mind I cant have that.
I need to step back. I need that balance back.
But until that day, if that day ever comes, I am retired.
Please understand. I appreciate and thank you all.
Shut up snarkymofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.
I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.
I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.
Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:
I am angry. I am bitter. I am alone.
With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.
I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.
I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.
I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.
I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.
I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.
I also realize I am hella lonely.
I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.
I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.
I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.
I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.
I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.
Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.
I miss my smile. I miss my swag.
I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.
I miss my friends. I miss my life.
I miss my respect.
I miss faith.
Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.
Few Friends No BFL No Generals No (the) Queen
Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.
Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.
I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.
Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.
Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.
I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.
"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln
I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...
"You don't look well. What's wrong"
"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."
"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"
"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."
"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."
"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"
"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."
"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"
"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"
"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."
"But I am right."
The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.
"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"
"Don't you think you've had enough?"
"Nope. There is never enough."
"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"
"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"
"It wasn't time."
"Man go on with that mess"
The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....
"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."
"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."
"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"
"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."
The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......
"What is to be done brother?"
"Nothing."
"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"
"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"
The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....
"Rule 99"
The other brother shakes his head
"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."
"Why cant it be that simple sir?"
"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."
"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."
"I do believe I answered it."
The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....
"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."
The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest
"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."
"Get your hands offa me...."
"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."
The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...
"You're full of shit"
"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"
The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...
"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"
The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...
"Sir are you ready to order?"
I look up and the waitress is staring at me.
"I think so."
She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."
I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.
"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".
The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."
"If only it were that simple."
"It is that simple. Do you pray?"
"Sometimes and other times I try"
"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."
I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.
This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.
I wasn't going to do a weekend update, partly because I have two unfinished pieces sitting in my drafts that I could be working on, but also I think it is uber depressing to get a dispatch from the front lines of a beleaguered, defeated army. I mean seriously you ever see those old films of generals surrendering, leaders yielding and other sorts of giving up? It makes you wanna cry. I mean look at this here. Or this here. No better yet how about this one. That is how my house looks and feels this morning. And for the historically deficient, I just compared this shit to the end of the Civil War, the Japanese surrendering on the Missouri, and the fall of Saigon. But in spite of these feelings that doesn't remove my responsibility for a weekend update.
On my current career situation: I have interviewed with a couple of social service agencies, looking for alternative certification route and as a final option will find a MA program in either Public Administration or Political Science. As I stated back in April I aced my Basic Skills tests to that gives me a ton of negotiating room.
I would love to stay with the organization I'm with but since my current contract ends on Sept 30th, and I haven't heard anything about my status in any form I must only conclude that I am not up for renewal and have to take my skills and brilliance else were. Again, this search and mission is made easier by the fact that I am not returning to retail nor any bullshit gigs. Unlike my personal life my professional one is pretty much cut and dry.
The Wei Yan Situation It's funny how this topic has moved to the front of the conversation since the piece "On Thy Honor"; esp when you consider that the MAIN THEME of that topic wasn't the termination of generals but rather a testimony/testament/character reference by those who knew me best and to provide a counter point to an assessment of my persona was I know was flawed by someone I so love and revere, even outside the context of an "US".
Yet a lot of people took that post as a justification of my friendship, or lack thereof with the Ret. General. One of the aforementioned drafts deals with why I ended our friendship this time around and I'm still debating on hitting the "Publish Post" button; I know the creature and I know she reads and it will only get ugly(er). But keeping true to myself I might have to file this one under the "they'll get over it tab." I think it's a story that needs to be told and a situation that requires some light. So yeah, look for that complete post in the next week and a half or so. I will say this right here and now: Yes, she helped me at a very critical moment. I appreciate that and I'm sure my love(d) ones do as well. It was that reason why I wiped her original sins clean. Let me add that I no longer see her as a villain, nor will I vilify her. There was an small element of political expediency present in my decision. I know for a fact she would have never submitted to the throne and I was also aware that had she come back (the)Queen wouldn't had tolerated her presence one bit. With that said in order to get (the) Queen back to the table, I removed the one thing I believe(d) irked her outside of my blog and drunken rambling emails. But do not be mislead: Even if you remove (the)Queen factor, Ret. Gen got her own self removed; like McCarthy during Korea she just wouldn't listen and was hell bent on me healing her way. In essence she helped then turned around and worked against the healing program because I would not in her words "forget about her". That created conflict, that brought the toxic nature back and finally a decision had to be made in the best interests of both our sanity, our family and the larger picture. Like I said it's more complex than "she vs. her" or some high school paradigm.
Shutting my blog down Com.e.dy. Stop emailing, stop implying, stop asking. It ain't happening. I am not doing it. No way. If I didnt consider it when the Queen Mother suggested it, what change DO you have. I shouldn't have shut down the first myspace blog, but I did so trying to maintain a peace, heal a friendship and in the process lost some classic material as well as an introspective into my life at a certain point and time. I concede at times I am careless on this thing, other times I really don't think my words have that much impact. But if what I am told is true and now my blog is being debated in class that means I got a lot more folks reading than my "subscriber" tab would indicate and I need to be a tadbit careful...but not much.
The important thing to remember about my blog, even when I was writing political (which by the way I'll be doing again shortly) is it is about my life from my P.O.V. It is not a gospel, it is not meant to be a definitive statement of events but rather how I see, thought, think, feel and react to the situations in my life....Straight No Chaser. If I'm not allowed that right then damn....
The Breaking of the Dark Knight I wrote a couple of days ago how I finally think, as painful as it is to do, gotta give up my campaign. It sucks, it's not fair, its painful, emotional, bitter, sad, not fair and whole bunch of other words that make my chest hurt but the fact of the matter is that a) I am moving towards a (re) burnout and b) My struggle is not being viewed in a proper context I believe and I am running the risk of forever losing, tarnishing (more) my legacy and at the worst being hated or disliked. Since none of those were agenda items or goals I was trying to obtain this means that I, gotta stop. I'm have to take a page out Ekklektia/Ishamariablanca's book and step back, yield and accept this is Jehovah's will even if it hurts. If there is someone on the her throne, I need to bow before it. I have seen and participated in the banning of generals who don't get with the program. Prime Ministers are not above banning either (Thanks to Soror/Sage for that ugly moment).
*sigh*
Let's remove all the hyperbole and just get blunt: True love isn't about being a bull in a china shop. If (the) Queen or anybody else *points at all you mofos* don't know my heart, thoughts and feelings then honestly...I have no words. I cant force way back and I cant debate my way back. I fought the good fight and now...it's time to...do...something. I admit I don't know. I do know though Mirrors are real and I honestly don't wanna be banned. With that said, I'm sorry if my actions or my words, or my blogs have been hurtful, or crude; as I stated above that was not my intent. I am neither phony nor fake, crazy nor bitter. I am a simple man who just simply wanted to go home.
And there will still be plenty for me to do and write about....
Aight I'm going back to play Batman... oh wait speaking of Batman
On Batman Arkham Asylum: This is the greatest game ever made in the history of Batman games. I swear Jehovah was in the room with the developers as they made this piece of art. I mean damn. So far I'm 66% complete, I've survived Bane's nonsense, Scarecrow's fear toxic, and Killer Croc's sewers; I wont even speak on the Joker's henchmen and the Riddler's challenges.
They even set up a website based off of a site they mention in the background: www.Arkhamcare.com/prices
"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.
In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.
Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.
Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?
The issue at hand is one of integrity.
My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.
But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.
So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"
It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.
But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.
I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."
I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.
The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."
The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.
The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.
The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.
I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.
It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.
*pause* And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW TLT *play*
It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.
I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them. A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.
To all those affected by my inconsistencies, hurt by my choices and unsure of my integrity esp (the) Queen. It's a small gesture, harder than you may think to accomplish, that I remembered from a time when life was simple and I'm sorry fixed problems. May this innocent gesture soften your hearts to complex problems.
1.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
2.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
3.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
4.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
5.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
6.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
7.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
8.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
9.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
10.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
11.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
12.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
13.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
14.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
15.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
16.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
17.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
18.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
19.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
20.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
21.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
22.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
23.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
24.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
25.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
26.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
27.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
28.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
29.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
30.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
31.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
32.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
33.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
34.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
35.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
36.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
37.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
38.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
39.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
40.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
41.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
42.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
43.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
44.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
45.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
46.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
47.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
48.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
49.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
50.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
51.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
52.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
53.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
54.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
55.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
56.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
57.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
58.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
59.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
60.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
61.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
62.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
63.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
64.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
65.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
66.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
67.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
68.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
69.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
70.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
71.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
72.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
73.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
74.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
75.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
76.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
77.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
78.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
79.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
80.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
81.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
82.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
83.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
84.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
85.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
86.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
87.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
88.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
89.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
90.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
91.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
92.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
93.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
94.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
95.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
96.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
97.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
98.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
99.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
100. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
