Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.2:Knowledge and Wisdom

"But he got a righteous cause for sinning"~ Jay Z

My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I raced home, ashamed of my actions but even more surprised that I just did the unthinkable. It was the hardest ride I've ever taken, probably harder than that lonely ride home I took on April 4th; this ride was made worse because I had violated my honor code and word. Making it home was an act of Jah, a miracle, because not only did I have to fight the urge to throw up, I also had to fight a dizziness and darkness slowly overtaking me.

I pulled up in front of my house barely able to contain the bitter vomit filling my throat and mouth. As I opened the door everything I've ever eaten came up with a fury brought on by a sense of illness only a man like me could muster at a time like this. I catch my breath for a moment and I throw up again. And again. And again; each time shaking my body and hurting my stomach and throat.

Finally I got a reprieve, and I was able to compose myself long enough to get out, lock up the car and walk to the house. I make it to the door when the vomiting spells came again and I rush to my back yard dropping to my knees. This time my throwing up spells are compounded by tears flowing from my eyes, now adding the bitter taste of salt to the bile filling my mouth. I see the reflection of myself in a small puddle of water. I can't make out the image; I just see the dark silhouette of a man who had just broke one of his own commandments and now had to add that to the laundry list of things to haunt his soul.

As I try to gain composure of my body I felt hot, I felt dizzy and then I felt the darkness embrace me and calm me. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew this feeling; I knew who this was and what he wanted and this time I was afraid I may not be strong enough to fight him off. He was coming to collect on our agreement made at our first meeting.

He walked up to me right as I started throwing up, my vomit landing on his shoes. I try to turn away but can't. Oddly enough he doesn't get angry.

"Wow. These are my favorite Tims. How you gone throw up on them?" he asks matter of factly.

"My bad. Upset stomach" I respond wiping my mouth.

"Not a problem Mr. Thomas." he answers, motioning towards his shoes and erasing the nastiness like an erase on a pencil. Somehow he manages to sound like the only person to call me what without sounding like that person. It's as if he is running his nails on a chalkboard.

"Been a while since I've seen you. Last time we meet you were here..." and he pauses...his voice caring a sense of snarky irony "in almost the same state lamenting the same problem. Wow. How is that for progress?"

"Fuck you" I say struggling to get up.

"No don't fuck me. I ain't the one you wanna fuck" he says. His voice full of arrogance and crude humor.

I look him in my eye and there he stands. A mirror image of me, wearing a Black button up shirt, dark jeans and Timberland's with the sharpest haircut I've seen ever.

He's also eating a golden apple and holding a bottle of water.

"Looks like you've lost a ton of fluids. You wanna bite?" as he extends his apple to me.

"You know I don't want that shit" I say my anger boiling.

"You sure. You could use it." he pushes it towards me. This time I slowly accept it and take a bite. "Heh. That apple has gotten so many people in trouble. Folks always wanna know."

I realize that I have taken a bite of the apple that destroyed paradise, the fruit of knowledge, a bit of spiritual irony because the acquisition of knowledge (or non acquisition) at the wrong time can destroy paradise. I spit it out.

"Such theatrics. Don't be so gay. Don't you want to know?" He asks.

"No. I don't." I say as I struggle to sit on the stairs. He walks up to me and touches my cheek.

It's a familiar touch one that gives me shivers but is so uncomfortable coming from him.

"You are such a fucking liar. If you didn't want to know you wouldn't have________________. I mean wow. I expected such a thing from that lil general of yours, but your the Prime Minister. Wow!". Of course he puts "Prime Minister" in air quotes to add an effect. Shaking his head he continues. "It's only natural to want to know. I mean you're locked out. I've seen her. I'd wanna know who was touching that skin too. I assure you he's having fun."

"That's Wei Yan logic...." I say.

"And she's your mirror image" he chimes in and cuts me off. "You use the same logic too accept maybe you're a bit more.....grounded. Maybe."

I growl at him. " I am nothing like her. There are similarities yes. We're similar but NOT the same. She's crazy." I answer.

He cuts me off again. "No she's brilliant and she understands that these rules you've built are tired defense mechanisms of a man who truly wants to cut lose. Unlike you, for all your bravado, she is prepared to do what must be done." Then he laughs and adds "The student has out mastered the teacher."

Enraged I swing at him, but unlike our first encounter he doens't allow me to touch him. He easily deflects my sloppy punch by grabbing my hand and brings me to my knees.

"I tire of this T. You're not Jacob. You don't get to contend with this angel and live. Why can't you be honest?" he asks applying more and more pressure with each syllable.

Barely able to talk from the pain I try to formulate an answer "I have an honor code and rules. You don't break the rules". It feels like my hand is going to explode.

"Really? Interesting." he says as he loosens his grip. Suddenly he taps into my latent gift "The world without time" and he transports me to the moment when I send the Facebook message. "Where were the rules then?" He asks. I try to knock on the window and speak and tell that fool in the car to stop. But I can't. I can only cry as I watch him hit send. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on her porch, anger in her eyes and she won't listen. I try to step up and intervene but I cant move. I watch the young man leave the porch dejected, knowing he has no idea of what is to come.

He let's my hand go. I am sitting on the ground crying now.

"Where were the rules and that prepared mind then Mr. Thomas?"

I muster enough to say "Fuck you! You don't get to call me that"

"Ah Fuck me? Like he's doing her?" he asks. Then he leans closer "I wonder what she calls him?"

With a quickness I never experienced I am able to gain balance and I get one good kick into his ribs and it stuns him nothing more. He laughs.

"Excellent T. Excellent T! Now let's use this for some real shit. You owe me a test. You think you ready for it. Same terms apply."

"I catch my breath and I sigh. "Yes. I've been ready. You didn't follow up."

"You think I'm going to tell you when I am gonna test you? Nah that would make this Duel of Fates shit soooooo pointless. Oh by the way you have a message on BH2."

I look down at my phone and there is a message. I open it and it's a blog.

With as much cruelty he can muster he asks me "Still think you gonna get YOUR file review?"

I close my eyes and end the message. I say to him "whenever you're ready."

He laughs again...this time his voice like crush glass. "Nah. You need sleep" His laughter and my slumping on the stairs are the last thing I awaken an hour later sweaty and stinking of vomit.

Drained, ashamed, sad and dejected I go in the house, take a long shower and lay in the bed. I'm tired. I am. I haven't had a bad day like this in a month or so and his visit only made it worse. I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I can't. In the early stages of the Duel of Fates I have lost a friend and I will sense there will be more loses to come. He also makes sense. The probability of my file review is low, and if past is prologue and a blueprint it may not bode well even if I did. This is not the reconciliation of opposites I have envisioned.

I toss and turn for a moment when my phone beeps and I get a text message. It simply reads "Don't read to much into the blog T. I know you. In your Duel of Fates things will seem like something they are not. Just keep praying to Jah for discernment and how to handle these trying times. The best preparation is to not to focus on being prepared. With love M_________"

I close my eyes and say a prayer to Jehovah. That message was right on time. It was honest. It was his gift to me; a reminder of how to act in these moments that will surely happen again. I will need him during this Duel of Fates.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

4-28-2009

12:01pm

Yet ANOTHER Weekend Update.....

Sup Snarky Mofo Reading this...

100th Post:
With the "Past as Prologue" post, Straight, No Chaser reached its 100th blog. Man that's incredible when you consider that before October of 2008, I rarely touched this thing, not because I wasn't writing but because I posted most of my work on Myspace. As I begin to tire of Myspace, I moved my work over here and have gotten love and support that you couldn't imagine. Thank you.

This blog is my heart. It is my written testament of my life, legacy, journeys and battles. Together we survived a lot, most recently the Love Supreme Crisis. Thank you dearly for walking with me. With out question this is probably the most accurate gauge of where I am mentally. Indeed, you wanna know what's on my head and heart Straight, No Chaser is a damn good insight.

Someone near and dear to my heart told me I do my best writing when I am angry or in pain. I see that is true because in this year alone I've logged 78 posts (half of that in the first month of the crisis) in 2009. I want to work on that because while I do my best work when I am carrying a lot, I don't want (and never intended it to be) Straight, No Chaser to be a testament to sadness and pain, but rather life, love, and growth.

Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to work I go:
Yes I am back in the workforce as a case manager for a service provider hub here in Chicago. Although a temporary assignment with room to grow (and grow I shall) it feels so good to be back doing what I love: serving the people. It is a wonderful feeling to know you've impacted or tried to impact on a person's life; to know my words my have had and made a difference. As I said in an earlier post and will further clarify in a later one...I am through with side gigs just to say I have one. The last non field related gig I had helped push me to the edge and I am not doing that again. It's social service/education or bust for me. Real talk.



The Blackberry 8900:
I FINALLY got my phone. I am the PROUD owner of the Blackberry 8900! Thank you Jehovah! First he blesses me with the aforementioned new job, then he gives me the phone? For real? Man I need to study harder. Admittedly I broke the bank on the 8900, affectionately known as Black Heroin 2 (BH2) but you know what it was worth it. BH2 has a sleek design, a 3.2 mega pixel camera, updated applications, 5 hr talk time battery sweet Black Jesus this phone is great. I sleep with it and wipe it with a cloth daily. I have retired my old one, giving it a well deserved rest. It did me well. It really did.



Rebuilding:
It is what is supposed to be slow, carefully and difficult. I wouldn't want it any other way. Those whose files are under review are being done so with an open heart, prayer, and fairness. Those who I need to reconcile with have been reconciled. BFL09 still runs shit. And those who I seek to reconcile with must allow me the moment to do so. These intellectual and moral complications aside everything should be up and running at peak efficiency by end of September or early mid October...which would be utterly ironic.


Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc.
*sigh* First we making Betas, then we accept Bill Clinton and Al Sharpton as honorary members? This is their reward for standing in the way of history...as anti Obamaites? We reward them with our letters...and niggaz wonder why I rep the BFL and not the PBS. Help me Black Jesus.


Random Thought:
Does Bambi miss Thumper now they are in different parts of the forest?








My Birthday:
Since baptism probably will happen this winter I have decided to have my first and only birthday party of my life. If we're friends on Facebook you'll find it there. If not then it will more than likely be on August 8th at the Green Dolphin. I am looking to make it a color party. Any suggestions? It's funny when I think about a conversation I had last year with one of My Minister of the Interior: 33 was a defining year for me. Indeed.



Aight, with that I am gonna lay it down. The next blog "Duel of Fates" should be up by Friday.

Happy Monday Blogspot!

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-20-2009
1:25am

Past as Prologue

"If you don't know your past then you don't know your future" ~Malcolm X

In the aftermath of the "Love Supreme Crisis", (well rather in the aftermath of the more brutal parts of the storm) one of the more complicated problems presently is what to do with all of this emotional baggage and scars I have acquired, some of them red badges of courage and some of them scars of shame, but all of them very real to my existence and affirmation that I have grown immensely and that Jehovah has helped me through.

As I continue to make sense of that/this trying period and categorize memories and lessons, one of the constant piece of advise I keep getting is "leave it in the past" or "its all in the past. It doesn't matter." All good pieces of advise on the surface except for one small nagging reality:

The past is directly related to the present. To be more accurate the time line of past, present and future are interconnected. It can't be ignored, buried, hidden, lied about, altered, put behind you or any of that other nonsense we like to spew in this lovely post modern age.

It is amazing that the primary proponents of this nonsense philosophy, The Black Community gains its very strength by embracing our victories of the past as evidence of future triumphs. I mean isn't that in our national anthem: "Full of the faith that the dark past has taught us"?

I mean if the past doesn't matter why do we take pride in our college degrees, credit scores, personal victories, or career accomplishments. If the past doesn't matter then why do we want to know about the lives and past habits of our leaders, both secular and religious, as a measuring stick of their ability to lead us or govern us. If the past doesn't matter why do we even bother with resumes? Or why do employers, financial institutions and the judicial system all keep tabs on what was done as a gauge as to what we will do with sometimes eerie accuracy? If the past didn't matter why then do we always teach the story of God's deliverance of Israel and Christ's sacrifice since it happened so long ago? Why do we want reparations? Or have an on going civil and human rights movement? Or why did we cry so hard when Obama won the Presidency?

Let's kick this up a notch shall we? Why do we keep a sex offender registry? Why do parents check their area zip codes to find out where these people live? I mean would any of us live in a building with a convicted rapist, repeat offender or not? Would you let such a person babysit for you? Or send your child to their day care? I mean didn't these people pay their debt to society? It is in their past right? Why worry about it?

Right....as I thought. So the whole "the past doesn't matter" "let us never speak of it again" "get over it" concept when placed against a scale of logic and reason is well...bullshit. In fact Bill Cosby can sum my response best when faced with such faulty logic:

"The dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life"

Thank you Cosby Show for that lesson to grow on...moving on.

The past has helped us become who we are, and it is sometimes a great indicator of what we will become. I concede that there are times where people and institutions can change for the better or for the worse; indeed Saul become the Apostle Paul, Detroit Red became Malcolm X, and Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. But in those changes each on of those men didn't deny who they were, in fact they never could really escape it. They did however us that as steam to live a better life or leave a legacy that would erase the mistakes of the past. Not deny the past, not ignore the past, but try to correct the past.

I think this a big part of why our community is so stagnant. We've forgotten our past, we're embarrassed by our past, we've downplayed our past, and we no longer appreciate our past because of a few present triumphs...and some old "embarrassments". But look at the Muslim Community, The Jewish Community and the Latino Community. They embrace their past, both as individuals and as a group: that is why they are strong and we are no longer, well one of the reasons. But that's a convo for another day.

It's the refusal to discuss the past, to deal with the past that is a major stumbling block in several of my interpersonal relationships. Wei Yan can't accept that part of the file review is bringing up old sins as they compare to current heroics to see (as humanly possible) what the future will bring. It's a stumbling block in my attempts to save my friendship with (the) Queen I believe, an "it's all the in past and I'll leave you there" concept which caries a certain sense of irony. In this Duel of the Fates, both of these examples show me that we really don't understand the importance of reconciling our past, to hold strong to our present which will ensure victory in the future. Sun Tzu said in the Art of War that one must know himself and his enemy to be victorious; this just doesn't include present actions but rather past behaviors...factored in with present behaviors and the probability for change.

I laugh now when people tell me that I should put the "Love Supreme Crisis" behind me. It makes me giggle when I am told to get over it. I hear Dr. Huxtable's line to Theo in my head: "The dumbest thing I've heard in my life". I mean really people telling me that the past 90 plus days, which was the Love Supreme Crisis (a moment in time that redefined me and changed how I think as well as altered my way of life) is in the past and I should get over it is akin to telling residents of New York that 9-11 was in the past or telling the Black residents of New Orleans to get over the legacy of Hurricane Katrina. If you said that to a resident of New York or New Orleans you probably would get cussed out or punched in the mouth. Maybe both.

In the Da Vinci code Robert Langston points out that "nobody hates history, they just hate their own history". I think this is valid. That's why so many people want to bury it or hide it or ignore it. But it just can not be done. I can never take back that moment on the porch, an example of me in extreme weakness. I can only embrace that moment, not hide from it, and use keep the scar as a reminder of what not to do next time. Am I ashamed? Yes. But it did happen. It has helped redefine me. The events in the Summer of 2008 did happen. No amount of revisionist history will change that. It has to be dealt with, addressed, reconciled and moved on. "Let us never speak on this again" only works on The Simpsons, not in real life.

As I begin this inevitable Duel of Fates, I understand the Past will be Prologue. I accept this willingly.

Because those who don't know their past, acknowledge their past and ultimately learn from their past are doomed, with out question to repeat it. You will never know yourself, nor your enemy and that will lead to failure...

And failure is not an option..

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-15-2009
3:35pm

A Love Supreme: Aftermath

*Author's Cautionary Note: Since I no longer really want them coming down my eyes, I've decided in this final entry to make this blog cry. So if you're an bitter former lover, or snarky friend, or somebody that just cant handle it please hit the red X button now and save both of us the headache. Do it now.....ok...you're still here? You've been warned. ~TLT

"Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby" ~Boys II Men

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I could very easily sum up this blog into one line that would both express my feelings and be quick and painless: I miss her so dearly. These five words would carry a dignity in their simplicity and probably would save me an emotional headache.

But as profound as those five words are they don't quite do what I am feeling this AM any real justice. I mean 90 days ago the woman I dearly love and institution we were building came to an abrupt, painful end. Everything I hoped and prayed for was, as David Ruffin once sung, "just like a broken glass shattered all over the floor to be useful no more". Like that man in his song, (titled Pieces of a Man), we had made such beautiful mutual plans, fate moved in with an ugly hand and crushed it. Indeed as I stood on her porch trying to reason through tears, anger and confusion I knew that I had become nothing more than pieces of a man.

Thus began the Love Supreme Crisis, a series of personal, professional, and emotional challenges which brought me so close to total ruin; like Hurricane Katrina did to the City of New Orleans, this Perfect Storm has forever changed my life, way of thinking and emotional maturity. Since I've discussed the impact on the general areas of my life a few days ago, I won't cover that here. On this anniversary we're going to discuss the impact of losing (the) Queen and were do I go from here.

I've thought long and hard about the Love Supreme Crisis. I've written at least three introspective pieces in real time at various points during this crisis. I think my obsession (for lack of a better word) with healing us and ending this crisis forced me (as much a depressed mind could muster) to levels of thought, critique and intellectualism only matched by my time working with Black Studies at Olive Harvey. I was finally able to sum up what happened in a critical analysis.

But I am not going to do that again. I simply am going to talk honestly about what I realize after a hospital stay, rebuilding, prayer and supplication. In fact there is really nothing new I can add to these (if I do say so myself) wonderfully written pieces. While I am thinking with a little more clarity and the rolling emotions are past (and I'm no longer in denial about being thrown into a further depression) it would only be redundant. At your leisure go back and re-read some of them. But right now I can only say on this day the 90th day "I miss her so dearly".

As I sit at this computer typing this while slowly sipping vodka I cant help but still be sad. Now before you snarky mofo's reading this get down on me I was told by the wonderful mental health professionals tending to me while I was uh...incapacitated that its OK to mourn and be sad. This was traumatic. One doesn't have this kind of loss and shake it off. I mean she was a major component to the new future, a future imperfect full of hopes and dreams, changing people's definition of love, being that Black couple and thanking Jah along the way. Indeed, in spite of it all she helped me attain the peace I sought and truly made me a happy man.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

So what makes me sad? I guess my sadness stems from the realization that neither of us really did anything "wrong" per se; there were no tradition deal breaker sins. When we were on all cylinders we made each other feel better than the best feeling. Ironically even when we missed fired there was nothing horrid about it. But somehow we reached the event horizon, a point where things fell apart and couldn't rebuild. I keep thinking this crisis could have been so avoided had I talked bluntly about my clinical depression, had I told her about my emotional challenges. I didn't. I have to live with that arrogance and that fear.

I guess we could also heal if she stopped being so fucking anger with me. Despite her lofty ideals on the past and healing its all in her words, was in her eyes on Cinco De Mayo. I pissed her off good. I really didn't understand the magnitude of her anger/disappointment until the Queen Mother explained it to me. She said "Black, I saw you guys, I listened to you guys. You made that woman high, giddy with love. I just knew she was going to be my daughter in law. I know what you can do. You took her to the top of the mountain. But you didn't take care of yourself you got unbearable, and you dropped her. That fall hurt. In short my son she's disappointed."

I've reflected on that while I was uh...incapacitated. Disappointment. I don't think I hadn't really thought of that. Now I'm sure that is a part of it. I wish I could do it over and tell her but I cant. It's amazing that two people who were planning a wedding, laughing at the future, was having amaaazing drunk sex, while blending the kids are no longer speaking, outside of short communiques. It's amazing two people who used to be unable to wait to hug each other wouldn't even hug if we bumped into each other.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

But today this is the reality and today I miss her so dearly.

My mind drifts back to our initial meeting were Jehovah only knows what I said in my drunken stupor. I vaguely remember us talking about Jehovah, Black Studies, Vodka, Pussy eating and a bunch of stuff. I remember offering to go get our frat brother who is a reverend to marry her on the spot. LOL. For the longest time I thought that was the vodka, but I realized that I was serious. Something in that angel's eyes relaxed me. Now it drifts to our many chats...emails...debates about what Black Love is and should be.

My mind drifts to our first kiss. It drifts to that Sunday afternoon in October when we held each other for what seems like an eternity. It's now jumping to that late night in November when she came by after a party to hug me...and got out of the truck and said in the most loving voice as she kissed me "I love you". I remember being so scared the first time I cooked for her I burnt the food, but I also remember the last meal I fixed when I slammed that Catfish and Spaghetti. I remember her and CJ's banter. I remember loving my Black timbos and I remember her excitement when she officially became the flyest Zeta in the game rockin my chain. I remember standing on the porch wanting to hug and beg, and I remember her face. I remember Valentine's day and the gifts. These memories are a blessing and yet that can weigh one down. Indeed neither of us did any wrong, we could have done things differently of course but there was no sin here. It seems we were unjustly done in by triple D's: Depression, Disappointment and Defiance. These things can kill Black Love.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss her so dearly.

I was asked by a snarky mofo reader what would be different if we could hook back up. A lot. I would make sure my mental health is in order. I wouldn't spend time fighting with blog vandals. I wouldn't worry so much about her co parent. We WOULD go to the Hall. We would take it slow.

We would heal.

But this kind of wishful thinking isn't the healthiest, the fact is she is gone right now and I have to deal with that reality. I have to accept that I will may never get that review with all the evidence presented; a chance to get my conviction overturned and to reclaim my throne. To quote the Apostle Paul this is my thorn in the flesh, I have entreated Jah to help and he isn't either answering or basically telling me his undeserved kindness is enough. I understand I do. But still Jah...I wonder if we're both making this hard. I wonder if lil Devin's suggestion was correct? I remember him saying "Dad, why don't you say you're sorry. You make me and Centrell say you're sorry. Or buy some candy? Or take her out?". Or as my snarky preteen said "If you guys loved each other so much then why don't you just go for a long walk." Jesus was right. Children can sum up the truths much better than we stubborn complicated adults.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss her so dearly.

On Monday I start a new job as career counselor and I have to make sure my game face is on. I cant serve the underprivileged if I am in a funk. So I guess this weekend while the rest of you snarky mofo's are eating barbecue and acting like yall got your Independence on this day too (Obama's election not withstanding), I'll be trying to finish re centering myself, polish up those timbos and heal. I'll even smile once and a while and reflect on the lessons learned and meanings made during this perfect storm. Then Monday, I start to rebuild. Still though..it's hard.

*Sigh* This blows. Wasn't supposed to be like this. At.All.

I miss YOU so deeply!

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
07-04-2009
3:30am

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.5: Aftermath

"Thank God for Granting Me this moment of Clarity" ~Jay Z

This is going to be a long post so let's get right to the heart of the matter:

Let's take inventory of the impact of "The Love Supreme Crisis": 90 days in duration, 1 hospital stay, a weight gain of 30+ lbs, copious amounts of vodka consumed, 4 lost friends, one friendship under review, a strained network, and of course a major love lost.

"The Love Supreme Crisis" has become/was/is the most difficult time in my life to date, harder than when my father died (A Death In Family/Sins of the Father) more painful than my breakup with Nicole (The Long Night) and more confusing than the 2006-7 year (The Second Renaissance). My faith, my maturity, my dedication, my reason, my intellect, and my courage has been/is being tested. Some of these tests I passed (even if at times I bent the rules), some of them I didn't (when I should have bent the rules); indeed the very definition of who I am already and who I will become may be very well grounded in this moment in time.

I had no idea that when I went to bed on April 3rd 2009 the world I would awaken to would be forever changed, that I would be forever changed. I had no idea that the depression would engulf my like a singularity in space (Black hole for you lay people) and change history. Granted, the seeds and signs of the storm had been coming long before April 3rd. But like the Federal Government, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of my personal hurricane Katrina, that perfect storm of personal, professional, and emotional crisises. Now like how this nation must live with the aftermath and legacy of Hurricane Katrina, I am trying to live with an sort out that Perfect Storm that was the Love Supreme Crisis and the after waves and shocks that ripped through my life.

The eye of the storm has passed and the most difficult times are over. I am able to sit back and think with some degree of clarity. This enables me to petition Jehovah for discernment in matters where I had no discernment. My time uh....incapacitated was well spent. I was able to make some very difficult decisions on my life. It is fitting that I end this series with this entry, I think it brings it full circle. I hope this post will clear up any misconceptions, answer any questions and ultimately set a policy on who I am and how I came to be. This also will serve as an apology of sorts, to my loved ones and loyal readers. I apologize for not taking care of myself, for being ashamed of my illness and not taking time out sooner. I am working to correct the aftermath of this very difficult time in my life.

So let's get on with it:

On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.

On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.

On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.

On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.

On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.

On My Potential "Responsibility":
Second only to the impact of losing (the) Queen is the news that I have a new responsibility. I heard rumors of this situation for sometime, but paid them little to no mind because I was at a place in life where I simply thought it was a case of the devil being hella busy to derail my happiness. Well come to find out the devil was being hella busy and still managed to disrupt my happiness. All I can say is if it is true, then I will embrace this new responsibility with open arms and full dedication: with the condition that the other party understands there is a system in place that works, its a damn near perfect system and they (the new responsibilities) must adhere to the rules already in place. In short the system will not bend for them, they will have to conform and adhere to the rules of the system. If that can not be done then I will only do the legal minimum. The idea that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one definitely applies in this context.

On My Next Career Moves:
I would like to announce I am officially broke again, so I need to get back on the hustle. HOWEVER, working that dead end gig at CS helped drag me into a depression, so I've decided to throw myself into getting into the education/social service field. I realize its going to be problematic not taking any ole job to work, but honestly I'd rather be broke than crazy. So I am no longer allowing myself to be sidetracked just to say I have a job. Right now its teacher/counseling or bust.

On Dating and Black Love:

This is going to be tricky, as I don't want to put too much in this section because of the upcoming 90 day Love Supreme blog. However, I will say that I am currently not interested in entering another committed relationship. I need time to heal from a MAJOR LOVE LOSS, to recenter and work through some lingering hurt and confusion. I don't think it would be wise to even entertain the notion of "relationship". I said and did a lot of things which need to be reconciled; to wit I declared (the) Queen to be my soulmate and the one in public and in private. I was moving towards making that a reality in my personal life. She was given stop mom responsibilities among my children. All of this needs to be reconciled. So then in this context how can I, a mere three months after the storm/crisis begin(an), be ready to move on and love another? To me that is so....ugh. That is not my style. My honor code believes that if I were to just get over it and move on with ease then I really didn't mean shit I said and did to begin with. Real Love can't be dismantled in 90 days, you cant just forget about something that powerful and move on to the next conquest. That's like falling from a 9 story building then getting up and walking away. That shit ain't happening. So at least for me, because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other kind of "al" investment, I need to heal, rebuild then contemplate moving on, but because of the level of emotion I poured into that dynamic, it certainly ain't gonna happen in 180 days, let alone 90 days. Again to do so would show I didn't mean it to begin with (in my eyes). This time has also forced me to rethink some of my theories on Black Love, primarily is it unconditional and will the notion of struggle ever return. I am forced to answer the question of "what happens when you learn a complication wasn't the fault of anyone?" "Do you give it another chance, a fair review or do we stick with our convictions because it is the easy path?" "Can we really stand the rain esp when its something like mental health?" "Do we consider the strength of our words to our loved ones?" I really have a lot of thinking to do this summer on this. But as of right now in spite of the complications I am still convinced the key to saving our community lies in Black Love and the dynamic between men and women.

Aight I gotta run.

I'll see you again on the 4th.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

7-01-2009

2:35pm