Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
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In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm

The Sun of the Mourning Pt 4: The Debts of Winters Past

"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z

"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri

I do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.

It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will finally/definitely bounce back from this terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.

The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.

Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.

"Been a while. How you doing?"

"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."

I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.

"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.

"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.

"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."

He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about 'him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."

"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.

"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.

I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.

"Appreciate that. I try."

"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."

"I am fighting no war."

"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."

"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"

"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"

"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"

"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"

I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.

"Right" he quips rather bluntly.

We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.

"You're afraid to send them?"

"Yes."

"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"

"She loves em."

"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"

"Been a minute."

"Wanna see?"

I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.

"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.

"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.

Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.

He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a 'rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.

Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of 'fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.

"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.

I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.

A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.

I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me"

"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"

I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."

"Raise your head my child"

I look up fighting back tears and speak.

"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."

"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."

"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage

"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"

Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.

" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."

She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."

"Thank you." I turn to walk away.

"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."

I walk out.

As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"

"Yes it was in fact."

He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.

"Walk with me"

"I'd rather not"

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."

It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.

"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.

"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.

I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.

He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first met. Or was it that night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.

Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"

Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."

"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."

My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."

He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.

"Fair enough."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"

In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.

"Mr. Thomas?"

Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"

"You OWE me a test...."

As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "sleep" the last thing I hear.

I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.

TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?

It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.

See ya soon
~Star

To my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.

My test had begun.

To Be Continued.......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm

Lonely Knight

Silent Knight Lonely

Weary alone on the field

Trying to Survive

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded from every side

There are few allies

Fickle friendships

Concerned only with their needs

Tired I grow here

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded on every side

There are no allies

Silent Knight Lonely

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

10-09-2009

12:01AM

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Duel of Fates: Dispatches From The Frontlines or Just Another Weekend Update

Morning Snarky Mofos Reading this!

I wasn't going to do a weekend update, partly because I have two unfinished pieces sitting in my drafts that I could be working on, but also I think it is uber depressing to get a dispatch from the front lines of a beleaguered, defeated army. I mean seriously you ever see those old films of generals surrendering, leaders yielding and other sorts of giving up? It makes you wanna cry. I mean look at this here. Or this here. No better yet how about this one. That is how my house looks and feels this morning. And for the historically deficient, I just compared this shit to the end of the Civil War, the Japanese surrendering on the Missouri, and the fall of Saigon. But in spite of these feelings that doesn't remove my responsibility for a weekend update.

On my current career situation:
I have interviewed with a couple of social service agencies, looking for alternative certification route and as a final option will find a MA program in either Public Administration or Political Science. As I stated back in April I aced my Basic Skills tests to that gives me a ton of negotiating room.

I would love to stay with the organization I'm with but since my current contract ends on Sept 30th, and I haven't heard anything about my status in any form I must only conclude that I am not up for renewal and have to take my skills and brilliance else were. Again, this search and mission is made easier by the fact that I am not returning to retail nor any bullshit gigs. Unlike my personal life my professional one is pretty much cut and dry.

The Wei Yan Situation
It's funny how this topic has moved to the front of the conversation since the piece "On Thy Honor"; esp when you consider that the MAIN THEME of that topic wasn't the termination of generals but rather a testimony/testament/character reference by those who knew me best and to provide a counter point to an assessment of my persona was I know was flawed by someone I so love and revere, even outside the context of an "US".

Yet a lot of people took that post as a justification of my friendship, or lack thereof with the Ret. General. One of the aforementioned drafts deals with why I ended our friendship this time around and I'm still debating on hitting the "Publish Post" button; I know the creature and I know she reads and it will only get ugly(er). But keeping true to myself I might have to file this one under the "they'll get over it tab." I think it's a story that needs to be told and a situation that requires some light. So yeah, look for that complete post in the next week and a half or so. I will say this right here and now: Yes, she helped me at a very critical moment. I appreciate that and I'm sure my love(d) ones do as well. It was that reason why I wiped her original sins clean. Let me add that I no longer see her as a villain, nor will I vilify her. There was an small element of political expediency present in my decision. I know for a fact she would have never submitted to the throne and I was also aware that had she come back (the)Queen wouldn't had tolerated her presence one bit. With that said in order to get (the) Queen back to the table, I removed the one thing I believe(d) irked her outside of my blog and drunken rambling emails. But do not be mislead: Even if you remove (the)Queen factor, Ret. Gen got her own self removed; like McCarthy during Korea she just wouldn't listen and was hell bent on me healing her way. In essence she helped then turned around and worked against the healing program because I would not in her words "forget about her". That created conflict, that brought the toxic nature back and finally a decision had to be made in the best interests of both our sanity, our family and the larger picture. Like I said it's more complex than "she vs. her" or some high school paradigm.

Shutting my blog down
Com.e.dy. Stop emailing, stop implying, stop asking. It ain't happening. I am not doing it. No way. If I didnt consider it when the Queen Mother suggested it, what change DO you have. I shouldn't have shut down the first myspace blog, but I did so trying to maintain a peace, heal a friendship and in the process lost some classic material as well as an introspective into my life at a certain point and time. I concede at times I am careless on this thing, other times I really don't think my words have that much impact. But if what I am told is true and now my blog is being debated in class that means I got a lot more folks reading than my "subscriber" tab would indicate and I need to be a tadbit careful...but not much.

The important thing to remember about my blog, even when I was writing political (which by the way I'll be doing again shortly) is it is about my life from my P.O.V. It is not a gospel, it is not meant to be a definitive statement of events but rather how I see, thought, think, feel and react to the situations in my life....Straight No Chaser. If I'm not allowed that right then damn....

The Breaking of the Dark Knight
I wrote a couple of days ago how I finally think, as painful as it is to do, gotta give up my campaign. It sucks, it's not fair, its painful, emotional, bitter, sad, not fair and whole bunch of other words that make my chest hurt but the fact of the matter is that a) I am moving towards a (re) burnout and b) My struggle is not being viewed in a proper context I believe and I am running the risk of forever losing, tarnishing (more) my legacy and at the worst being hated or disliked. Since none of those were agenda items or goals I was trying to obtain this means that I, gotta stop. I'm have to take a page out Ekklektia/Ishamariablanca's book and step back, yield and accept this is Jehovah's will even if it hurts. If there is someone on the her throne, I need to bow before it. I have seen and participated in the banning of generals who don't get with the program. Prime Ministers are not above banning either (Thanks to Soror/Sage for that ugly moment).

*sigh*

Let's remove all the hyperbole and just get blunt: True love isn't about being a bull in a china shop. If (the) Queen or anybody else *points at all you mofos* don't know my heart, thoughts and feelings then honestly...I have no words. I cant force way back and I cant debate my way back. I fought the good fight and now...it's time to...do...something. I admit I don't know. I do know though Mirrors are real and I honestly don't wanna be banned. With that said, I'm sorry if my actions or my words, or my blogs have been hurtful, or crude; as I stated above that was not my intent. I am neither phony nor fake, crazy nor bitter. I am a simple man who just simply wanted to go home.

And there will still be plenty for me to do and write about....

Aight I'm going back to play Batman...
oh wait speaking of Batman

On Batman Arkham Asylum:
This is the greatest game ever made in the history of Batman games. I swear Jehovah was in the room with the developers as they made this piece of art. I mean damn. So far I'm 66% complete, I've survived Bane's nonsense, Scarecrow's fear toxic, and Killer Croc's sewers; I wont even speak on the Joker's henchmen and the Riddler's challenges.

They even set up a website based off of a site they mention in the background: www.Arkhamcare.com/prices

If I died today I would die a happy man.

Not with THAT said

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:45am
8-30-2009

The Duel of Fates: Unintended Consequences and The Breaking Of Will

"But this time...is different"~ Batman

I felt like Biggie, wondering who the hell is this calling me at 7:15am. I didn't look at the number assuming the only lunatic to call me would be one of my young people and I honestly prayed that it wasn't because the ONLY time on of them call that early is to tell me they're either locked up or somebody died. Either way I was in the mood for it because hump day blues left me totally fucked up.

I answer half professional half sleep.

"This is Terrance"

The voice responds "Good morning Prime Minister". Instantly I recognize the voice and laugh because its my former student, lover and current great friend "Red". Red is a legend in my world a retired counsel member. Our history is quite complex; we're like the friend my anonymous poster said she had, but now really great friends. She married a great guy and all is well. Sadly the sails of life has kept communication apart and we really hadn't spoken nor seen each other minute but I know for a fact she's a snarky mofo who reads this fine piece of work I call a blog. I also know her eyes go else were.

"Do you realize what time it is?

"Yeah it's the time when normal people get up"

"We both know I ain't normal people"

"LOL. No. You're not. But look wake up, we need to talk".

I sit up on the couch, having feel asleep playing Batman: Arkham Asylum for the XBox360 (good ole product placement) and I tell her to shoot.

"T, you know I love you. But I'mma need to you stop"

"Stop what?"

"Don't be an ass"

"You know I can't do that"

"Actually you can but you don't want to. But you really ain't gotta choice no more."

"Red"

In anger she cuts me off. She begins to layout her concerns for me and my health. She lays out why it won't work and tells me the obvious answer is none of the above. In essence she is pleading with me not to continue and for good measure she tells me how I am mentally killing myself.

I absorb her pleas and I listen; but my response was as it has always been. "Thank you, but my mind is made up. I have no choice but to fight"

By now she is crying and I can hear it in her voice she is worried.

"Nothing can be gained from this battlefield. You remember telling me that when me and his name who isn't spoken broke up. It hurt, but you were right. So now I'm telling you my old teacher "nothing can be gained here".

"Its too early in the AM. Can we finish this later?"

"No. Have you seen the latest piece of intel?" she asks in a flustered voice.

"No, contrary to popular belief that isn't the first thing I do in the am"

"I think you should check it out now. I'll wait."

I go to my laptop which snary preteen left up and I gather my intel"

"You there?"

"Yeah I'm here. I'm reading now"

At this point I am now wishing it was a lunatic or one of the kids. The shit hits me like a ton of bricks and I taste traces of vomit but I fight it off.

"T?"

"Unintended consequence of war. Balance will return"

"Isn't that present in all wars PM? Yours was no different. So you ain't said nothing. Wait are you shittying me? It's is there in black and white. What more do you need to hear and read? Will seeing make you a believer? Or maybe another breaking point. Look, if you continue would you be any different from Yan? Only a fool keeps knocking on a door where he ain't wanted. There are sisters who would love to fuck with you, die to be with you. Why then fight for the one who ain't feeling you ever? You know better. I know you know better cause you trained me"

"It's a little more complex......"

"Yi Liang. You're now fighting an unjust and immoral war"

"That's not fair"

"But it applies. Or better yet, you can run all of Baltimore, but Avon gotta have his corners."

I sit silently. I look at the screen one more time and I log off.

"PM?"

"I'm here. I need to go so I can get the kids off for school."

"I understand, and I'm sorry. You are a godsend Terrance. I just need for you to remember it. Go heal. I love you bro"

"Thank you and I love you too..."

In just 7 mins and 42 seconds Thursday August 27th 2009 is officially shot to hell.

I go through my morning ritual as if in a trance....my mind cant even think straight.

I make coffee.

I take a shower.

I help my heirs get organized.

I try to eat a bagel. I can't

My coffee tastes bitter.

My youngest heir wont cooperate.

I call off work. Don't wanna do it today.

My heirs leave and I go sit on a back porch...the drizzle annoying me. I reflect on all that I have read seen and done.

I reflect on this blog, my conversations her, my debates with Yan, the counsel of BFL, Rev Dr, my bible study, every moment of the past 142 days and it finally hits me...summed up in one line...

Finally I throw up.

By now I've gotten two text messages asking me am I alright and what my next move will be.

My next move..will...be...to...use the advice I gave Yan....

Of 36 Stratagems, only one will work....36 itself.

I walk in the house and the Queen Mother is up.

"You look tired. Is everything alright?"

I kiss her on the forehead and tell her as good as its going to be and smile at her. I turn and walk to the den she yells to me "Pray to Jehovah!"

I try to pray but I can't. I can't find the words. Perhaps I will later..they always do come to me.

I do think I've picked on helluva time to try to quit drinking. Jackass.

Instead and fittingly considering my fixation on this damn game (which I'm about to play now) I remember Batman #497......and the images therein...which describes how this "Bane" of hurt and frustration (even if unintentional) has managed to break this Dark Knight.


It's over..............

And somewhere the "Star" is laughing his ass off.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-27-2009
9:45am