"You might win some but you just lost one" ~Lauryn Hill
It's called the 7 stages of grief. In the past six or seven weeks I've gone through about 5-6 of them. Right now I am somewhere between the upturn and reconstruction. I figure by July I'll have hit acceptance. Still, that doesn't stop me from accepting a few truths a little early.
"Grief". It's amazing I use that word. I think I've used it only two or three times in my like. This is grief I believe, but I am not sure. I just know its not A heartbreak and definitely not some depression. Perhaps the realization about 4:00am helped me to this stage. The realization that on this one I lost.
I lost. It ALMOST feels good to admit that. But I lost. There was nothing that could have saved me expect being something that I was not ready to be. I honestly was so worried about the end game that I brought on the end game.
I was so excited about finally being in the big dance I forgot to dance. I accept that. This am when insomnia took over last night and I'm working on finding strength for today, I have accepted that I fucked my own self up. There is a certain peace in raising your hand and taking the foul.
I am not saying she was innocent. Pffft. Far from it. She mishandled some shit to. But we aint talking bout her. We talking bout me and I am saying that I had control over how I responded. I am saying that I know there is no GREATER weapon than a prepared mind and while my mind was "prepared" my ego and self esteem were not.
I feared losing that which I love, and in the process became very arrogant. I turned on my friends, my allies and to some extent her. It's almost ironic, because I did the very thing I often chastised W.Y. over. That is probably why I chastised her, I saw her responses and knew to a large degree I was capable of doing some of the things she did SANS the murder and chaos.
I should not have rushed to be king. Being the Prime Minister, being the teacher was so much easier, so much simpler. Yet, I saw the security in being King, I took the throne but unlike Solomon I didn't ask for wisdom.
I am stating this because I need to purge my emotions and slow down on keeping account of the evil done. I've been up since 1 am and I decided to read my blogs, just well for no good reason I suppose. Indeed, while therapeutic as fuck, it has violated the basic principles found in 1 Cor 13:4. It has kept account of the evil(s) done, and it really has become a testimony to pain. I welcome that too as if my travels (assuming more than two people read this joint) can help somebody else keep their friends and loved ones then I have served my task well.
But as for me, as I walk towards Jehovah, my God I need to let go. I need to accept that I blew it. I got myself fired and that's that. No matter how capable of putting on a five star match I am, I gotta pass the wellness test.
I need to accept I lost a woman, a lover and most importantly a friend. It is a loss I will never get over, it is a loss that hurts to the bone, but it is a loss I cant lament any more.
But snarky mofo reading this, even as the depression and sadness pass, how does one defeat the longing. As I stated earlier, I WISH this was a heartbreak, I wish this was drama because then I'd know how to combat it. I understand it. This creature before me, and the emotional compromising web that entangles me, is something new. Not misery, not darkness, but still suffocating.
Honestly, I just may be the only one lamenting. In many ways that makes me the weak one; it always has because I spend time brooding, while the other parties move on. I envy people like that because I know in this life there are regrets. You can be miss. '
You can lose. In April I lost it all.
I lost her. I lost my self respect. I lost for a brief moment my sanity. I almost lost my life the way my chest felt. I lost.
Even finally typing that brings me to a place of peace and harmony. When you accept the inevitable, then the only thing you can do is move forward.
Yesterday's talk at the Hall and subsequent discussions were about fantasies and realities I've understand that I fought a losing war. I lost the moment I showed up at her door unannounced. There was nothing I could do.
So as I am up this morning for no good god reason, with two hours of sleep. I can only appreciate the moments in between moments, the memories, the personality additions and the growth. It was a good run. I started to let the kids stay home to take my mind of of the moment.
But even ignoring the moment doesn't negate the truth.
I have lost.
Admitting that is the first part.
Now, with Jah's help I may be able to rebuild, to add on what is missing and try again.
I've been stripped to my barest essentials. What else is there to do?
Well I could start with an early morning walk.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-18-2009
9:30am
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