Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Still Struggling with the Words.....

As most of you probably know I lost my mother last week (7-4-2010). We laid her to rest on Saturday.

I am supposed to be writing a blog chronicling what happened when my mother died, writing thank you letters and filling out cards but I can't find the words.

I can't even organize the notes. I figured I was ready to take this step but I am not.

Give me time.

In the meanwhile go kiss your mother.

Rest easy Queen Mother. I will see you in the morning.


Maria "Tony" Thomas
Wife, Mother, Sister, and Servant of Jehovah.
April 9, 1952-July 4, 2010

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
(and missing mama)
TLT
7-13-2010
3:32pm

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Peace, Upgrades and Redemption: Finding comfort and solace in Faith

"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know.
Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness.
Ain't that what the good book says?"
~John Marston



I was talking with an old friend of mine about my
spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.

The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.

As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.

Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.

Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).

More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?

Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).

I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.

As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.

Ain't nothing else really needs saying...

In Truth and Transparency

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-02-2010
3:45pm

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me
"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV



I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

Monday, May 10, 2010

Consecration Camp

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."~Ephesians 6:11 (TNIV)

"This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ."
~ John 17:3 (NWT)


As I grow in my current spiritual walk (or MORE accurately the current trip around my mountain) there are two ideas that often occupy my space, one from the secular and the other from the spiritual, though both are interchangeable. First, in Philippians 3:14, the Apostle Paul exhorts us to "press towards the mark of the high calling." While Paul was speaking in a spiritual context, it can and should be applied to everyday living; in all we do we need to strive to the be the best. Just because nobody is perfect that is a horrible reason not to move towards perfection. The second is the often quoted (and abused) passage from The Art of War where the great general Sun Tzu advised us to "know ourselves and our enemies." Obviously, we can flip this to apply to our daily struggle with those things that seek to devour us on a spiritual level. I mean how can we resist and combat the devil if we don't know what he's capable or more importantly what WE are capable of doing. Sure, we can do all things through with faith and proper application, but still it's always good to know what your baseline skill set is.

*pause*
Please don't nobody tell me that as a Christian I ain't supposed to "study war no more." Our faith is adorned with the language of war i.e. "complete suit of armor (more on that later)", battling with principalities, and of course erry negro church in north America uses some variation of "onward Christan soldiers" or "Soldiers for Christ". Thanks!
*play*

With this as a backdrop, I recently participated in my new church home's "spring cleaning", a consecration and fast designed to clean out the mental, emotional, physical and most importantly spiritual garbage/junk that had accumulated in our space. As you can see I used both the terms garbage and junk because as we all know not everything we keep past the due date is inherently bad, yet keeping these things can cause just as much problems as actual garbage in terms of holding on to something for far too long. Like the proverbial spring cleaning everybody goes through we were tasked with getting rid of that stuff that has accumulated and stayed (good or bad) past its due date. We were challenged to adhere to a liquid diet the first three days, a meatless diet for two weeks, a fruits and vegetable diet for one week and finally a liquid diet for the final week. In addition we were supposed to clean up our physical space and our spiritual, mental, and emotional space via prayer and supplication. I confess I struggled with the actual physical cleaning aspects, so I won't go into that here, what I will discuss is what I learned on other levels during my time in Consecration Camp.

First, and I learned this about two weeks in is that fast and consecration is a private matter between you and God. In Matthew 6:16-18, Jesus tells us to not behave as the "hypocrites do" twisting our faces and in essence announcing it to the world. He tells us to put our best face forward, as our Heavenly Father will reward our humility and does not dig anybody's grandiosity.

Second, I learned that this really is a battle between the flesh and spirit. I've heard old religious folks say this for a coons age, but it wasn't until this recent exercise that I understood it. I didn't pick this up until the start of week three, but still it was an important lesson to gather. I mean the first two weeks were murder on me; I didn't even want to cook for my heirs. The smell and touch of meat drove me insane. I practically hid from, ran from, and was angry toward, any and all discussions about meat. I often just rolled into a ball moaning for the Lord to protect me. I realize now this is both impractical and unrealistic as it shows I didn't understand the power of prayer (or His word for that matter) and it shows I didn't have any faith. Contrary to what many Christians think, running scared from a problem isn't a demonstration of faith, it's cowardice and God, whether we want to hear it or not, hates a coward. During those moments where I was around flesh I should have prayed, meditated, asked for strength then went into my Word. This not only applies to cooking meat while fasting, but really any situation that runs counter to the will of the Creator (who is forever praised AMEN). This does not mean I should go out and find all sorts of situations to get myself into and then cry for him to help me; such a mentality is not biblical, but at the same time knowing he won't tempt me anymore than I can't bear (esp. since he doesn't temp us with evil at all), I can rest assured that when faced with these or any future crisis's that faith, prayer, and the Word will get me through or at the very least make his power perfect in my weakness.

The third lesson I learned was fellowship was extremely important. Surrounding yourself with people who share(d) your goals, spirituality, and faith (or at the very least didn't try to oppose you) makes consecration that much easier. With this cleanse I had the total support of not only my church, but it also my Baby Mama (who supported and participated with me). I didn't' surround myself with folks who were against my journey, made fun of my trying to get closer to God, or even actively oppose me. One of my favorite scriptures reads: "Do not be mislead. Bad association spoils useful habits." (1 Cor 15:33 NWT) I am thankful to God for the wonderful, new support (old support in Baby Mama) in my life now.

The fourth was a new, accurate, assessment of weakness. *smile* I won't get into that here, I mean I love yall, but sharing my weakness in this blog is a bit much. I will simply say if I don't get a handle on these thorns in my flesh then it will cost my spiritual life. Trust me when I say I am praying often (trying to make it daily) to help me get a handle on that which makes me weak. With the truth in knowing myself, I can win victories and press towards the mark of the high calling.

In the book of Ephesians (6:11-18) the Apostle Paul instructs us to "put on the full armor of God": the belt (loin gird) of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel of peace, shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. With this armor I am ready (or at least should be) for/to combat the machinations of the devil, whether I bring it on myself due to lack of discernment or the daily testing he gives us. When I decided to go back to God,seriously and with zeal, I automatically gained two pieces of this armor: the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation. Granted they needed a bit of polish and strengthening but still I got these first. The rest of the suit, however, had to be gained through consecration, and will be strength-ed through prayer, supplication and being a disciple of Jesus.

I mentioned in my last blog, my feet can not walk the path of anger, they have to walk in peace. I can't shake my fist at what I perceive to be past injustices(or real injustices), hold on to the bitterness, and claim to walk in peace. By the same token, I have to even let go of those good times; as those memories only serve to hold space in my heart and prevent God from sending me that woman who will love me deeply, honestly, and properly. This also applies not just to things of my recent past, but things in my deep past. Those memories, good and bad serve to undermine my peace; either I am lament lost or daydreaming about good times long gone. I can't have that any further.

In gaining the belt, or loin gird of truth, I accept the truth about my weaknesses. It is important that I respond accordingly. Sun Tzu said it better than Paul on this subject "if you know yourself and your enemy you won't lose in a hundred battles." Now that I concisely know what my thorns are, I need to seek Holy Spirit in developing a plan of action and do, as much as it depends on me, my best to stay out of those situations. The truth will set us free, it will also protect our most vulnerable points if we allow it.

My path, my acquiring accurate knowledge, walking in faith and following Jesus are all within God's will and thus I gained the breastplate of righteousness. In essence my path is righteous, even if I am not always such. The breastplate will keep my heart pure and just and ensure I stay righteous. Like the helmet which guards my mind, the breast plate will cover the other aspects of my emotions, namely my heart.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly is I truly learned (or am learning) how to use the only offensive weapon in my arsenal: The Word of God. It is a real military truism that no matter how sound a defense is, it will falter under a constant barrage of an enemy attack. The best defense is a strong offense and real talk you don't get better than the Word of God. I learned during this past month that reading, studying and drawing on the Word is essential. On days I did well I was in the word, either reading it or listening to The Bible Experience. On days I struggled, I neither listened to, read, nor picked up my word. Without my sword, I am finished. It is essential I kept it close to me. All the other parts of the armor won't do me good with out my Sword in which to fight off my enemy.

The past thirty days have helped me draw closer to God, understand my potential and get answers and clarity, even more so than when I use my physical intellectual mind.

Now if I could only discern what my Father wants me to do with this nagging desire to go to Seminary.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2010
11:04am

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from
going around that mountain so many times" ~CO


I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:
  • Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
  • It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
  • Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
  • the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership
Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser


Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I did too much didn't I?

"As it is You boast in your arrogant schemes.
All such boasting is evil."~ James 4:16 (TNIV)

OK...um...yeah.

So I made the brilliant (sic) decision to challenge myself to match last year's April blog output in sorta a "I'll show you" attitude which in turn led me to make some pretty bold predictions. Of course, as with most things the hyperbole doesn't necessarily meet up with reality. I guess this is what the bible writer James meant when he advised against "boasting in your arrogant schemes"

I see now the issue isn't my writing skills but rather A) the energy I was drawing on and b) how that same energy effected my time. In essence, I'm not mopping around crying over how unfair I was treated, drinking vodka and listening ad nausea to "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Whithers but rather praising, worshiping and walking with God, being with my heirs, and working with kids who make me want to do more than drink Vodka. I decided for spiritual, emotional, and mental reasons to kip up and do what the rest of the world was doing....enjoy the hell out my time on this planet.

I also made the mistake of locking myself into a paradigm. I really don't want my blog to become the 700 club, yet at the same time I'm experiencing a spiritual awaking that I never had before (even in all my years of "studying"); after sharing my pain I should and will share my joy.

You really would laugh if knew how many saved drafts I have on this thing. I will get the spirit, start writing a brilliant piece, then realize I don't want to sit in front of the computer anymore, save it with the promise of coming back to it, then go live life. Next thing I know I've gotten five or six drafts and well behind my projected outcome. Oh and on top of that I got a bold prediction to make come true. Man I can be such a queef.

Ironically though I find this to be most excellent.

I am glad Jah (who is forever praised Amen) has removed me from the place and space where my only emotional outlet was blogspot; I'm glad I am removed from the mental and emotional arena where my snarky loyal readers took more interest (even if that interest wasn't always altruistic) than those in my life.

My life...it feels so frigging good to have it back.

With all of this said, I really am not ready to abandon my personal challenge. I have 19 days left to pull out a miracle and I intend on doing just that.

But even if I don't I'm damn proud of my discoveries, recoveries and lifestyle change...

You have no clue how truly thankful I am for this.

In truth and transparency
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-10-2010
2:13pm