Weathering the Storm: The Final Moments of 2009.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"~A Tale of Two Cities.

During the best of times I believed that I would have proposed by now, entering 2010 with a future wife. Then the worst of times came and I believed that I would not see 2010. During this time came a fall.

Then a Crisis.

Then a Duel.

Which lead to a search for a Better Tomorrow.

In which I had to reconstruct memory and reconnect with my true self.

And I got up from that fall, to show myself approved, to prove once and forever that now there is NOBODY who can out perform me in a big name match; that I am not the kind of muthafucker you put into the mid-card but rather one you build the company around. I am the main event.

In 2009 I lost a queen, a kingdom, an army and the best tiger general. But yet I survived. I fucking survived. This in turn lead me to understand I need to/and will live life instead of surviving. I get another chance at redemption and to live.

Howard Hughes said it best:
"I wanna thank you God for giving me one more chance to raise my voice and to say amen!"

It's a song I sing every new year. I am grateful for this. Thank you Jehovah indeed.

With this discernment instead of lsmenting a lost love, I am celebrating with like minded people in a space where my strengths are not seen as weaknesses; I am celebrating a renewed sense of purpose, discernment into who TLT really is, and a clear appreciation of my strength, courage and wisdom. Unlike this moment in NYE's past there is no sadness, but a sense of peace..long overdue and excitement over the seeds of hope that I have planted.

2009 I bid you adieu. I took your best and survived.

*outstreches arms*
Let's see what you got 2010.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-31-2009
11:59pm

The Sun of the Mourning Pt 4: The Debts of Winters Past

"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z

"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri

I do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.

It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will finally/definitely bounce back from this terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.

The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.

Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.

"Been a while. How you doing?"

"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."

I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.

"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.

"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.

"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."

He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about 'him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."

"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.

"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.

I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.

"Appreciate that. I try."

"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."

"I am fighting no war."

"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."

"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"

"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"

"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"

"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"

I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.

"Right" he quips rather bluntly.

We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.

"You're afraid to send them?"

"Yes."

"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"

"She loves em."

"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"

"Been a minute."

"Wanna see?"

I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.

"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.

"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.

Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.

He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a 'rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.

Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of 'fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.

"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.

I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.

A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.

I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me"

"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"

I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."

"Raise your head my child"

I look up fighting back tears and speak.

"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."

"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."

"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage

"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"

Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.

" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."

She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."

"Thank you." I turn to walk away.

"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."

I walk out.

As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"

"Yes it was in fact."

He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.

"Walk with me"

"I'd rather not"

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."

It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.

"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.

"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.

I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.

He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first met. Or was it that night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.

Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"

Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."

"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."

My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."

He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.

"Fair enough."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"

In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.

"Mr. Thomas?"

Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"

"You OWE me a test...."

As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "sleep" the last thing I hear.

I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.

TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?

It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.

See ya soon
~Star

To my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.

My test had begun.

To Be Continued.......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

A Better Tomorrow: Until All Are One.

"Now in the game where only time will tell, survived the droughts I wish you well. Survive the droughts, I wish you well. How sick am I? I wish health. I wish you wheels. I wish you wealth. I wish you insight so you can see for yourself."~Jay Z

"All good things they say never last." ~Prince

Happy Holidays to all,

Take a walk with me...

When I sat down to write my first piece on Blackplanet discussing how becoming a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. made me feel, I had no idea almost eight years later I would have become a budding author who had the power of the pen just as I had the power of the tongue. When I wrote that rough piece, I didn't think that the concept of blogging would ever be something I did or got into(even though in fairness blogging wasn't a big thing back then). All I was trying to do was convey my feelings to the world; I wanted my non Greek friends to understand and appreciate the sincerity and dedication of me becoming a man of Sigma.

I noticed that I like writing and while I didn't do it often, I did it enough and every now and then I put out some gems, yet I was still no where near the man I would become. Those joints were rough.

When the period of my life dubbed "The Long Night" began I wrote to help me through that. I didn't put any of that stuff I wrote on the net, but instead inside a notebook I have to this day. I really didn't have discernment nor tack back then and honestly I was afraid of what others might think of me. My fear of shame kept me from posting what was on my heart and head. However, writing helped me through that chaotic times and served as a therapeutic outlet.

I got through that and time marched on. I moved into a new phase of my life. Thanks to Myspace and their blog function, I was able to begin to write about some of the complications of "The Second Renaissance" in early 2006. This was the moment in time where I finally decided to be more than The Emperor's student but rather forge my own way in life, love and my career. I blogged a lot during that time; in fact a lot of my fans on this site feel in love with my writing then. Regrettably, I took down those blogs to appease a friend who felt I shared to much of our business in my writings. This regret is compounded when I lost the disk drive the files were stored on. I resolved never to allow myself to be edited or censored like that again.

It was not until I watched my father die in late 2006 that my writing truly developed and evolved. I was able to channel the pain and frustration of "A Death in the Family" into some powerful pieces, sadly these were lost when I deleted the aforementioned Myspace account without saving them. Only one of the original entries from that series entitled "Sins of the Father" remain. Even with that, I credit my time on Myspace with teaching me how to channel my words and make the blog cry, when I could not or would not.

Throughout 2007 and 2008 I often wrote about my personal challenges as well as political observations. I talked about returning to Black Studies and for the first time in my life outlined what I wanted in a woman. I even wrote a couple of political pieces dealing with the meteoric rise of Barack Obama en route to the Presidency and the how the initial reluctance of the Black middle class irked me to no end. This piece made me, for a moment, an internet sensation. It also affirmed to me that I have a gift for deep scholarly thought as Mr. Allen (The Emperor) had so often spoke of. Conversely, if the Obama piece made me a sensation in the political realm the equally infamous "Relationship Hierarchy for Black Folks" gave me a name in the relationship boards and on spots like Black Planet. The success of these two pieces caused me to become a pseudo celebrity and but also showed me I was a well rounded brother.

Throughout 2008, I spoke of my challenges like Wei Yan's defection and helping my sons readjust. But in my opinion, it wasn't until October of 2008 when I finally connected with (the)Queen that I truly blossomed as a writer. Without going into details of this, as many of you have been on board during that journey, I finally understood life, love, writing as well as the power of life and death in pen. I don't want to be misleading or coy with words, I was already a damn good writer. This moment just provided me with the clarity and motivation to see how it called connected which made me rise in skills.

By now you're asking "where the hell are you going with this?"

I've gone over my writing "career" to let you know how much your support over the past seven years has meant to me. I thank you for allowing my to share my world with you, to heal, to laugh, to cry. In fact, you all had insight to what probably the world's longest love letter the "Love Supreme" and "Duel of Fates" series. I will admit that at times I used to this blog to speak to her, I am not sure she heard but I felt the pen would succeed were my words and times actions had not. You had through this blog, a window into my soul as I tried to regain a piece of Eden and the one component I feel/felt would make my dynasty complete. It made many people angry, it made many more cry; I am sure she has mixed feelings about my writing but it must be stated with no hyperbole that without this blog I would have not made it. I needed this outlet. I needed the banter and exchange of ideas this blog brought.

I also retraced my history prepare you for what comes next. In January 2010, after the Zeta Phi Beta annual tribute I will be retiring the blog. While I will not delete it out of respect for those who have supported me and would like to read some of the classics, I will not post anything new.

I think this is best as I continue to heal, reconnect and reconstruct my historical memory and try to grow. I need to go do some other things, maybe finally write my book, something. I don't think I can or should spend any more time writing about my heartache. Right now I just don't have anything new to talk about and I promised myself that if Straight, No Chaser ever lost its balance I needed to hang it up. If we really want to be honest and frank, this decision about 5 months late. I appreciate the gems I dropped, even the "morbid" ones, I am happy for the lessons learned and meanings made, truly. But I want Straight, No Chaser to regain that balance and until I regain it, if I ever regain it, then its time I walk away.

I laugh at this one dimensional style my blog has taken because I remember in one of our more intimate playful moments, (the)Queen remarked on my reduced writing (as she is/was a ardent supporter) and said "You can only write when you're sad or upset. I'm quit you to make sure you keep writing." and giggle. Little did we know that horrible moment would be fall us one month later and I haven't stopped writing since. But my shit's gotten redundant. As an intellectual and creative mind I cant have that.

I need to step back. I need that balance back.

But until that day, if that day ever comes, I am retired.

Please understand. I appreciate and thank you all.

Wishing you the best in 2010,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-5-2009
12:01am

Of Mice and Men: The Seeds of Hope and the Journey of 2009

"Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
~Elliot Ness

2009-A year I will long remember.

I had planned on proposing on New Year's Eve. I was going to do it right before the BFL toast (or whatever toast we would be having). I had every intention of starting 2010 with her as my fiance and my family life finally together.

I had begun saving for a ring. I was thinking of wedding concepts so when it came time for her to plan the wedding I wouldn't be the typical male bump on the log.

Of course as you are undoubtedly aware, those dreams were smashed to pieces in perfect storm of depression, stubbornness, mis-communication, and angst that was the LSC (and by extension the DOF), which has the dubious honor of being the darkest and most unjust time of my lfe.

Subsequently, during the months that followed and the accompanying emotions I had made the decision not to suffer any more setbacks or let downs. So depressed and heartbroken was I that it was not outside the sphere of reality for me to have made the ridiculous and equally selfish decision to commit the ultimate act of surrender. Thankfully most of despair passed and I scrapped those plans. I give credit to Jehovah for not leaving me when my faith seems to give out. That more than anything is the reason why I know I was able to scrap those plans.

Before I did understand the saying "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

Trust me I understand it now.

Even as I publish this retrospective of 2009, this piece you are reading is not what I planned. I had written something harsh, a tome to let the world know how badly I was hurt and let down by the various people whom I love(d) so dearly. It was a beautifully written lamentation of the dark year of my life. Yeah I was gonna make this blog cry as I so love to say.

However, I refuse to end 2009 like that. I will not end with the blogspot's version of Tupac's "Machiavelli" album; a well written, creatively sound, but extremely disturbed piece of work.

There is no question I lost in a major way this year. Anybody who can't discern that or questions that or even disagrees with this assessment needs their head checked. It is also a known fact I need to take time and rebuild. This is why recreating my historical memory is essential to my healing.

But at the same time I have learned so much, endured so much, survived so much and gained so much in 2009; despite my soul breaking losses I did eventually make it to one knee and I did begin my process of getting back on my feet. That in itself is a blessing. It also proves my assertion that when it matters I'm a solider. I will never surrender, quit or give in....even when I think I'm going to.

I realize even in the shadow of those losses there are rays of bright light that shine through. I FINALLY have the career I want. I have honed my skills as a writer. My new inner circle will now be full of people who share similar world views and aspirations, as well as my victories and struggles. MOST importantly I am blessed with loving, intelligent, wonderful, awe inspiring sons. Their existence continues to fill me with energy and provide me with the seeds of hope.

With those seeds of hope I know, if for no other reason that after this year I can only go up; I eagerly await the harvest of 2010. If my dream and castle burned, then out of those ashes will arise a man, stronger than anything ever seen, more focused and determined.

I will never again lose like I did this year. There is NO Greater weapon than a prepared mind. Believe you and me, I am preparing my mind.

Thank you for taking this journey with me blogspot and snarky mofo reading this.

Until all are one and restored.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-2-2009
9:10pm

A Better Tomorrow: Recreating Memory

"The Terrance I/we knew"~The Village.

A quick back drop:

As snarky mofo readers to this blog you've probably discerned that my favorite non historical cultural icon is without question "The Batman" (if the recent references to his ethos haven't been obvious clues). Seriously, if I were to start a mentoring program for young Black boys, there would be a section in there on the philosophy of Batman. No I haven't gone completely crazy and I am not making up something called "The philosophy of Batman" so stop laughing. It does exist. Check it out for yourself. So needless to say I'm influenced heavily by the icon of the Bat just as much as I am influenced by Dr. Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, David Ruffin or Zhuge Liang.

One of the things I love about the Tao of the Bat is that he is truly self reflective and takes his victories and defeats quite seriously. He is constantly reminding himself of who he is and how he came to be as well as deciding what he has to do to keep on that path. I think everybody should do this, and while you don't have to publicly blog like I do to sort out my issues, one does need that internal self check mechanism.

One of my favorite Batman moments of self check came after the "Knighfall" saga. During this arc, old Bats got back broke by Bane after the latter wore him down mentally then challenged him to a fight inside of Wayne Manor. It should be noted that this was significant because Bane was the first man to beat him in mental preparation and strategy and later in direct hand to hand combat. As Bruce watched his world spiral out of control, he had to take a step back to heal, refocus and remember how to be Batman; more importantly he needed to remember who he was and how he came to be. This lead into the "KnightsQuest" and "KnightsEnd" sagas, respectively, where Bruce went through extraordinary measures to become the Bat again. In effect he had to recreate and reconnect his memory. If you are interested in the stories I've posted links; I won't go into them all here but suffice to say he re-trained, re-dedicated, remembering how to be Batman and been kicking mucho ass since.

And he still takes the occasional break to reconnect and recreate.

Right about now you're probably asking what in the blue hell does this have to do with you BT39?

I'm getting to that.

Since that shitty morning on April 4th 2009 when all sense left my life, one of the main critiques I have heard from all circles was how I wasn't acting like my true self. If I had a dollar every time I heard that I'd buy blogspot.com, which should tell you the frequency in which I heard this comment. Hell during "The LSC" and "The Duel" people would say that daily and while at the time I wrote off their critiques as malarkey. But now as I ponder over the internal and external events of the past year, I really don't think they were too far off the mark.

While I am no phony and definitely not fake, I do believe I have been in survival mode for the longest time. If you are (un) familiar with the concept of survival mode, it really means you take only what you need to survive the immediate challenges/crisis and plan to/do what you can to endure a moment/while longer. In essence the constant challenges I faced from 2005 until now placed me in a position where I shed(ed) parts of who I am for parts that I felt where needed at the moment. I mean I stopped being a "warrior" to become a politician/negotiator because I believed there was no way I could combat all of my enemies that were showing up at the time. I wanted so desperately to break into my field I stopped being an organic scholar and became "an intellect". I got tired of being seen as cold, distant and evil; thus I opened up my emotions to basically the world.

Let me simplify this...in order to move quickly I had to shed pieces of a man. It's like trying to climb mountains with 100 pounds of equipment or as Erika Badu once sung "you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff". In essence I needed to catch several buses to survive the challenges I was facing and threw off traits of mine that would prolong or worsen the crisis. Of course these traits I put aside or picked up are not problematic in themselves, they did become problematic when they aren't done in balance or in moderation. Nobody should negotiate/navigate survival as much as I've done in the past 4 years, and while those skills underline a brilliant, beautiful mind, it also cost me parts of my heart, mind and soul. Snarky mofo reading this don't let anyone ever tell you that evolution doesn't come with a price. EVER.

Recently, after relapsing to a point of anger, I had to take a step back and finally decide it was time to truly heal...at least heal what I can with the tools I posses. However, when laying out a framework to heal I discerned that I had forgotten who I was and more importantly how I came to be. I have been in survival mode for so damn long the essence and core of who I am is lost; these pieces lost to pain, frustration, enemies, political machinations and ultimately failed relationships. Like my aforementioned icon, I need look back to go forward (which is called Sankofa for my African centered folk). Perhaps, once I've recreated and reconnected memory, I will get my smile and swagger back.

I do remember parts of my swagger, even if I don't remember how to connect with it. I was reminded of this as I sat down at the computer last night and got that familiar light headedness and buzz. I smiled because I knew what it was and I was eager to see where it would take me.

I saw the world without time. It took me to exactly one year prior, when I was helping a dear friend start over, when we were sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember the look in her eyes of excitement, love and nervousness and was happy to be part of that. I see myself sit on the couch to reach out to touch her and suddenly I'm back here...in this place...struggling to recreate memories.

What is so different then as opposed to now? In spite of a few bumps this time last year I was the mutha fucking Prime Minister, not phased by anything and ready for everything. In fact I said often that "there was no greater weapon than a prepared mind."

But One year later I am getting ready to retire. I'm told this is all apart of healing and for the first time in my life I'm being forced to deal with what I have in front of me. For the first time I am forced to walk alone, deal with my own pain and inexorably deal with the truth.

The truth is my smile and confidence are gone. Sure they've been tested before. Yes they've been pushed to their limits, they've been put on the DL list but never before have I said say they are gone. Right now there are gone.

Or maybe I've forgotten them, how to smile and why to smile. I've forgotten how to have swagger and why should I swag.

Thus I have my first major task of 2010 to reconnect and recreate memories. I need to take my own mental and spiritual sourjourn, outside of blogspot, outside of my familia, outside of allies, no girlfriend, woman, executive assistant, and truly remember the legend of TLT. There is no other choice and when I allow myself to truly accept this reality I can say with no ill feelings that this is the best route.

But enough of my self reflective ramblings. Right now I'm enjoy these left overs. Today I am going to relax and smile. Today I'm remember one year ago and hopefully I will reconnect with that man who thought he was about to rule the world.

Enjoy your left overs people.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:30pm
11/27/2009

A Better Tomorrow: Yesterday's Joy, Today's Anger

"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.

I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.

I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.

Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:

I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.

With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.

I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.

I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.

I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.

I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.

I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.

I also realize I am hella lonely.

I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.

I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.

I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.

I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.

I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.

Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.

I miss my smile. I miss my swag.

I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

I miss my respect.

I miss faith.

Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.

Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen

Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.

Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.

I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.

Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.

Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.

I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am

A Better Tomorrow: Silent Knight

Sup Snarky Mofos Reading this!

Sorry I have been "Silent", but I haven't felt like writing much these days. I mean I've poured so much in the blog that was my voice when I was voiceless and my free therapy that now I don't have much to say, esp at a time when there is so much to say.

I guess I've reached an emotional impasse and a creative lull; no that's not true I just really am tired of writing about my relationship woes, heartbreak(ing), and other stuff. I mean I'm still growing and healing as much as I can from the past six months but I just don't want to write about it.

In essence I'm tired of discussing how fucked up the "LSC" and past "Duel" left me.

This isn't to say I am quiting, on the contrary. I will be back in earnest at the start of the new year.

Close your mouth. You read correctly. I am done until Jan 1 2010. Maybe then I will have something to say. So with the exception of the 2009 retrospective, the MVP blog and predictions for 2010 (all which are posted on the Dec 30-Jan 1st) no new material will be coming.

In effect this Knight is silent for now. I still have a lil more healing and growing to do.

I still need to shake off the lingering nightmares.

I still need to get my true smile back.

Until then...

In the interim, I am trying to decide which piece was my best piece of 2009. I mean I want to hear your thoughts. Which piece made you laugh, cuss, cry, wish, etc. Shot me an email and let me.

Again thank you all for your patience. I haven't forgotten my supporters nor fans....or even critics.

See ya on 12-30.

Straight, No Chaster
TLT
10:28am
11-9-2009

Lonely Knight

Silent Knight Lonely

Weary alone on the field

Trying to Survive

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded from every side

There are few allies

Fickle friendships

Concerned only with their needs

Tired I grow here

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded on every side

There are no allies

Silent Knight Lonely

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

10-09-2009

12:01AM

Quick Check In

Greetings Snarky Mofo reading this and loyal supporters.

I just wanted to drop you all a quick line letting you know that I will be back soon. I needed to take a quick blog break to put some personal things in order, re-asset some paths and continue to grow. I am pressing for the mark of the higher calling.

When I return, which will be soon will finish the Duel of Fates and Better Tomorrow Series. After that I will return Straight, No Chaser to its roots: a blog about politics and short creative stories.


In the meanwhile I will continue to be that Dark Knight I have always been and always there if needed.

With love and thanks

Of course,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10-6-2009
10:00am

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Duel of Fates: A Better Tomorrow

Author's Note: This blog is dedicated all of those who over the past week helped me believe in a Better Tomorrow, specifically four people who have in one way or another helped shape my current mind set: My Son Centrell, Brother Andre Russell, Soror L.R.Jones, and an old friend. ~TLT

"Give it a rest sir"~Author Unknown,
but a player for the opposite team

"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman

Yesterday marked the 150th day of my campaign to be heard, seen, and re-evaluated. Like my comic book idol Batman I had planned on leaving holding a solemn vigil to reflect brood on the past five months. Indeed, this situation is my Jason Todd, my Robin suit in the Batcave, forever emotionally changing me.

However, in the best laid plans of mice and men that was not to be....

I got a text message yesterday morning from my dear Brother Andre informing me that the woman that helped raise him, his grandmother, had made her transition. Brother Andre is one of my dearest friends, a council member, and we have gone the entire circle of ambivalence, enemies and ultimately allies. If I can use pop culture as a reference: He is Superman to my Batman. In a sense of life imitating art our friend has evolved as such. So naturally when I learned he lost his grandmother, it immediately put my "mourning" on hold. Dre faced this day with dignity and courage; while he is undoubtedly in pain he has kept his cool, something I haven't done often enough, and stood tall. We had drinks last night and he accepted his reality, no matter how shitty it makes him feel. In our conversation he reminded me that he and I had gone through so much more, that while we are hurting at all times we must remember that we are Black Studies, we are a part of a legacy and we are children of Armstead. That only requires we hold our head high, even in the face of utter defeat and swag. Pity and self loathing rarely are sexy qualities in a Prime Minister. I have done, I think, a little too much of pity and self loathing. I can only reflect so much before it turns into brooding and brooding is never good for the soul. Until all are one I'm going to drink with my friend, remember his grandmother who supported our work in Black Studies with a gentle smile and kind words, remember how he hugged me when my own father died and do what I do best, Stand by my friends.

At the same time in the same place:

My new friend, Soror Shulamite Woman (L.R.J) is leaving for a fresh start in MS. It's funny to type my new friend because this Soror used to loathe me; rather she hated my public persona of a rebel without a cause and pause I use to hide behind during the Nicole era. Somehow we began speaking on FB, my status messages showing her that I was no longer a rambunctious ass, but a multifaceted brother. During the next two months, we have drawn close, sharing joys and pains; secrets and insight. In looking at my Soror celebrate her departure, I realized that our friendship was another chance at redemption; another chance to do it over and right, another chance to affirm my word is bond. I succeeded in doing all of those things and earned another night of sleep. I will forever love my Soror for this moment, a chance to go from Saul to Paul and to heal wounds. More importantly her leaving reminded me of a time past, when I got real scummy at a neighborhood party with some of the local "organization members" and just was off my square. One of the elders of the group, walked up to me put his arms on my shoulders and said "Lawyerman (my old hood nickname) this aint for you. You had enough and its time to go." He walked me through the gang way that lead to our houses and I went home. Last night I used same story to convey to her that I was proud she was stepping and out leaving all the hurt behind, and the nonsense and starting over. Touching her on the shoulders I echoed the same words and wished her godspeed and let her know what this friendship meant to me. In a moment of brilliance she looked at me and repeated me back "it's not for you T." I understood. Later in the evening she sent me a text reminding of my worth and quality. It's heartwarming when people truly see you for who you are and not what they want you to be.

It's funny that while we were celebrating, a friend of hers, one who wishes to be her king became upset at the fact she's leaving and he never got his chance. Instead of forgoing those emotions to celebrate with the woman he loves and enjoy that moment he sat outside and in the corner, he sulked, he brooded, he pouted and outside of the moments of compassion and concern when she went and checked on him, she was not going to allow that to stop her night. She was sadden by the fact he was hurt, but she had to move on.

I thought about me and (the) Queen (my Black Butterfly) and wondered if that is how she sees me...a brooding giant who can't/couldn't stop long enough to enjoy the moment. I wondered if that was how the village saw me, an annoying whiner who just couldn't accept reality. Either way I didn't want to be like that and seeing how it looks from a difference perspective made me understand that like all those years ago I have had enough, this may not be for me and it is time to go home.

I will miss my friend's physical presence, but thanks to Facebook and Blackberry we will never be apart. I pray MS is good to her; Jehovah knows she earned it. More importantly I will NEVER forget how she gave me hope and redemption when I didn't quite have either. She proved to me that when given a chance at redemption I could and would indeed show my worth.

Bye my dear Soror. You are loved and will be missed.

Earlier that day...

My oldest heir came to me with a couple of problems. He was having the good old 7th grade relationship complications; you know the kind of relationships where they like you at 8am but by lunch time thanks to friends and grade school politics they no longer like you. He confided in me that his feelings were hurt and that he didn't know what he did wrong. In short he told me all he did was like the girl and be nice and now he was having the worst two days of his life. He asked me what should he do. I offered a number of suggestions for him and to him, but the irony was that after listening my advice he asked did any of this work on (the)Queen. Taken aback, I realized that I had not been a good role model for him in the area of love. I have spent so much time lamenting my issues I have not properly begun his training on Black love and its its complicated forms. Seeing him hurt and not having any definite answers he felt he could trust made me realize that I needed to increase his training and move him towards manhood before he gets to deep into the madness that is teenage relationships.

The second problem he encountered was one of betrayal. We learned his new "friend" and locker partner stole his phone and then later came back and stole his replacement sim card. Again he came to me with answers on why friends hurt each other, why friends can't stay/be nice and how should he get over it. Again I realized I have not imparted wisdom on him, more importantly what answers have I discerned while all of the meditations brooding I have done. I have a son about to enter his teenage years in the City of Chicago and as hurt as I am; as tired as I am I can no longer afford to not pay attention to (or pay more attention) to his training as the trials he will face. My sons deserve no less than my full attention.

Indeed all the pieces matter....

I spoke with my therapist on Wed, who understands my inability "get over it", in fact she gave me the Maze song to help verbalize some of my emotions. As I lamented and talked about the (un)fairness of this situation, she asked me a simple question: "Terrance did you and have you done everything possible to make this situation work. Answer that honestly then the rest will come you." So over the next two days I scoured my old emails, cards, and letters over and over and each time I removed more and more emotion. I realized I made some mistakes. I fucked somethings up, but at the same time none of them were "crimes of intention". They were as I have always said out of ignance than malice. Still in spite of those snafus I gave it all my love with every fiber of my being. I still love it with every fiber of my being. I had nothing to work out and I was ready from day one to build the kingdom. Even as the Black hounds of depression slowly caught up and ultimately over taken me I reminded dedicated to the kingdom and nothing not even the rebellious generals, potential "responsibilities" or unsupportive friends and family altered that truth or made me waiver from that. In short I would have died for that kingdom but ultimately lived for the kingdom that was to be built. This isn't to say that other parties wasn't equally invested; I shant speak for or try to speak for them as tempting as it may be. I believe in my heart they were and evidence supports this. My issue these past 5 months, esp the last month or so was the refusal to see the paradigm with new information; in spite of all that was reveled my honor code and my character was challenged and my integrity was still called in question. Once I asked a former lover with whom I had difficulty (or it was asked of me) "If an imperfect dynamic can make one feel perfect or great what happens if both parties perfect that dynamic?" That was my central question now and IT remains my question now . If I made you feel that good (better than the best) and I wasn't even 60%, what would happen now at say 85%? It's a valid question. It deserves(d) a valid answer.

Yet it needs two people to explore and the hard truth is I have been told that the other party isn't interested in reviewing or answering that question. When compared to the revelations I've seen in the past day I am forced to agree with my snarky mofo comment. It is time to seriously give it a rest. My war to be heard has had a negative effect, it has been seen as character flaw, it has been seen as everything but what it's supposed to be and it honestly the only person who is caring on this level is me. I say this not out of arrogance or snark; it's just a simple truth I am helluva lot more intense than most people. Thus it stands to reason this would effect me in greater detail. But at the same time I can't really apologize for my war or my pain. I can't apologize for my feelings esp when all I heard constantly is the notions of "my, me, mine." Thus in real time and talk fuck whoever cant and wouldn't understand this. I know when I stand before Jehovah and he asks me about the LSC and the Duel I will be able to say to him that I succeed in some areas, faltered in others but I gave it 100 plus 10.

When placed in context of the lessons of standing tall, knowing when it's no longer for you, and the reallocation of resources to a more important objective, I think that it really is time to move forward. I'm not predicting over night, but I am saying it's time. No need to retreat to mountains or hide. No need to be bitter. No need to keep knocking at doors that slam in my face. She is loved..(present tense "ed" not past tense "ed") and if she ever wanted to come back I would do it in a heartbeat, (shame and pride and all that other Post Mod b.s. be damned) but the fact of the matter is this quest has the potential to spin out of control and even though I've mostly blogged and self lamented it still has had far reaching effects. A supporter of writing suggested that I no longer count the days of my lost, but instead count the days of aspiring for "A Better Tomorrow". I think that's the goal esp when I have sons that need me at my best.

One moment and day at a time that will be my goal.

A Breaking Point

Late last night I sat down with an old friend to have a drink or two; it was my way of giving that person a final goodbye that I believe I deserved and was denied during the LSC: a quiet one on one relaxed discussion over drinks; a goodbye date if you will. There were no delusions or false expectations that person would be allowed back into my life. We were not going to discuss us and I might have even given her some had she acted right. It was my intent to give that person one normal night the last night to end on a positive note as a counterbalance to all the negativity we had given each other.

As we sat in the car during that moment of silence that comes with these situations I did the drunk people nod, I closed my eyes for a moment. I slumped in my seat as I had done hundreds of times before hoping to catch a quick catnap to sleep some of the copious amounts of vodka off and to give her a chance to collect her thoughts. Suddenly my old friend who was sitting behind me (she had stated earlier she didn't want to sit next to me and I thought nothing of it) grabbed me in a martial arts choke hold, one I taught her and one that is quite lethal. Normally I could have escaped but my condition and my seating position gave her the higher ground, the weight advantage and basically she had me.

She had me dead to rights.

As air left my body, my thoughts went to my sons, my family, (the)Queen. I said a quick prayer to Jehovah to protect my loved ones and to have mercy on her. I accepted the finality of the situation. She slightly let her grip go, enough for me to speak, barely, but not enough for me to get free and damn sure still lethal, albeit slowly. She then whispered to me "I hate you. Why? After all did you chose her. Will you die for her now?"

I didn't respond. She tightens the hold.

"Answer me Prime Minister !"

"Because of shit like this." I barely can get the words out.

She leans back and I feel my larynx crushing...slowly...and painfully..

I manage to speak into the universe "I love you sons. I am sorry" This angers her.

"You wanna die?" asks as she begins to lean back.

"NO" I whisper. I now realize her grip is again loosened some more. Now its just cracking my neck as opposed to chocking me out right quickly. However, I am getting dizzy and I am losing consciousness.

"You wanted to die for her, you won't die for me"

"No. Tell my boys I'm sorry". She now puts her full weight and strength into the hold.

"This isn't about them you self righteous bastard. This is about us. Look at what you've done to me"

The pain begins to be too much. I utter what I believe will be my last words. "This hurts. Do it or don't."

There is a pause and I believe she gets ready to do it when she lets me go.

Crying hysterically, she asks "Do you hate me?"

By now I've managed to crawl out the car, neck hurt and bruised thankful for the air.

"No. Now leave...." I gasp.

Tearful she stands over me and says "Train them not to be like you." She then disappears into the night.

I decide not to press charges, a decision most will not understand. I created that monster and I realized that I moved her into further insanity with my decisions. The truth is very second I brought her back I set myself up for this moment and I only survived it through Jehovah and a pang of consciousness.

Last Night the General had me. One more snap and this blog becomes way more popular than it is. My sons don't have a dad and her children don't have a mom.

I can not and will not vilify a hurt woman, when I know I've played a part either intentional or unintentional. I understand her mental state and should have taken certain precautions and let her go. I hope today she is seeking professional help, I hope she prayed hard. I hope she has, for her children's sake realized that there is nothing here any more and I truly hope for her she has a Better Tomorrow. As for me I've learned my lesson and it affirmed my decision was right and proper. More than I, she needs to heal and strive for that better tomorrow.

A Better Tomorrow. That's one helluva goal for me to strive for. After the last two days/nights I realize that any other goal is crazy and will undoubtedly bring me to ruin.

I can't have that. I'm better than that and its time I once again find a way to show it...one moment and day at a time

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-5-2009
1:05pm