Disavowed

"Should you be caught or killed the Secretary WILL
Disavow of all knowledge of you" ~Mission Impossible

I am a man without a country.


It hurts to almost write this, but that's the truth. I am a man without a country.


When I look think back just two months ago, I was the PM ascending the throne, my crew was getting back together, I had love. My suns where happy and shit was positive.


Then in an instant or rather a slow fall it is all gone. It's totally screwed up to enter into a crisis and realize that you have nothing or no one.


My family, BFL, my crew has left me. This shit is funny to them. They don't understand my pain, they don't care about my pain. I guess I can understand. I don't think any of them truly ever had their heart broken or lost someone they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. Its a joke to them. Sometimes I feel like I've always been a joke to them. When I'm laughing and smiling then I am THE MAN, when I get sad then oh well. I'm a proud man, I don't ask for help unless I need it and honestly I don't think they want to help me through this. Or don't care. I guess it bothers me so much because when both Chris AND MAX from BFL Ver.1 lost their queens and their wives, I stood on the front lines with them and worked until it couldn't be worked any more. I didn't tell them to get over it, I didn't find their pain amusing, I didn't judge. Those dudes where hurt and as their brother and friend I fought with them and when they couldn't fight I DID, because well Diamonds are forever. Will yall fight the good fight since I no longer can?


I am saddened that I'm being ignored. I'm saddened that it seems while I had to pull over on the side of the road and reflect, my copilot has moved. To be treated like you don't exists both hurts and is kinda disrespectful. Why do sistas do that? Why do you ignore the ones who love you so? Am I such a bad person that I can't be talked to? Do I cause that much pain and suffering? How can something so beautiful be so forgotten? Silence is rarely golden. Silence is an indication of indifference. It is an indication of non concern and with one real convo out of 30 days, with no more "I love yous" or no more smiles it truly truly hurts. I havent felt this kind of pain since...it makes you question yourself.


Then there is an old enemy/friend/whatever, who goes out of her way to mock my failures, who takes joy in my pain by sending condecending messages. "I knew this was going to happen" "I told you that bitch didn't hang the moon" that kind of shit. I mean what kind of sick person revels in the sadness of others? Even I, at my vilest, never laughed at anothers pain. This makes you "the better woman"? Spiting in my face? This proves your point? If you were the better woman then you'd help, not laugh. You wouldn't compound this frustration with nonsense. This goes for all of my annoymous posters laughing. This proves nothing other than despite this current problematics I made the right choice. You didnt care for me. I was something to possess.


I wont even talk about my relationship wid Blue, they have long abandoned me, as I have left them.


As I read for today's meeting again I am embrassed that I am crawling back to Jehovah, asking him to heal me. I am asking him to stop the feelings of failure, inadequecy, and abandonment. I ask him to allow me to be important to him. It is both liberating and humaliting to go crawling back to your father.


I don't think I am asking to much of my loved ones (BFL and Queen) and even of my detractors. I am reminded by a quote from "The Watchmen" were Dr. Manhatan told Silk Spectre "You have always asked ME to see the world from your point of view. YET, you never allow me to show you how I see the world." This afternoon, this is how I feel. Nobody is seeing the world, without time, like me.


And that makes it difficult to bond and help.
That makes me lonely and isolated
Diamonds are forever, but damn.....in what why?


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-3-2009
1:15pm