" A commanding officer must relieve himself of command if the mission at hand leaves them emotionally compromised. "
~Starfleet Regulation 619
~Starfleet Regulation 619
I am officially burned out. I realized this as I sat in the Hall last night, trying to gain control of my rolling emotions, struggling to digest the spiritual food I was being given. I was able to take in some information, I was able to give thanks to Jehovah for another day, but honestly may head and heart was in turbulence. Actually, this realization came earlier in the day, when I was talking with a friend and she said something to me and I got so upset the only thing I could do was cry. It is a known fact I don't cry openly and for me to respond that was not in my character.
I also became concerned when my anger returned. As I stated before anger is the FIRST stage of grief, and a week or so ago I was in between the forth and fifth stage, so for me to return right back to square one is clearly proof positive that I need to take a step back and heal.
Heal. Man I've been trying to do that for about 4 years now, since I lost all of my crew and ship of the Constitution Class USS Envoy back in 2005. I should have taken time off then. But in order to prove myself ready I took another command, over the Space Station Carson in the western sector. But the staff and I just didn't meld and I was transferred out.
I spent the next two years at Starfleet Academy as instructor, passing up one command post after another until I met a fine officer named Yan. Although other instructors called her arrogant, untrustworthy and reckless, I saw great promise in her. I felt she had to be the stuff legends were made of. Somehow, to this day I'm not sure, she convinced me to get back in the captain's chair. So when I finally agreed to take command off the Defiant class ship USS Joniyah, I made her my first officer. Inititally I was skeptical about serving on a ship that functioned only a warship, the lack of diversity irked me but still the call of battle lured me back. However, my colleagues critique of First Officer Yan provided correct, she was abrasive, prone to disobey orders, and overly ambitious. Yet for all these flaws, she was one of the best first officers in Starfleet so I kept her on. This would prove to be fatal at the Battle of OH, where the her disobeying a direct order would cause us to lose the ship to the Kenborg; we had to auto destruct. This got her suspended from Starfleet and got me a nice dressing down in my file after an inquiry.
For the next couple of months, I considered resigning my commission and taking time off to mentally recharge. I had come pretty close to doing so when an offer came up that I could not refuse. The newest and best ship in the Federation had finally been finished and was in need of a Captain and command crew. After a serious of fortunate events I was offer command of the Sovereign class USS Zassfrana. I immediately jumped at the chance. This command would for a time resurrect my career and renew my energy.
The problem though was that Starfleet wasn't quite ready for a cowboy Captain and wanted me to take it slow. I was ready to take the ship to warp 9 but again I was asked until all parties were tested and ready to go slow. My constant rushing and putting the ship into what Starfleet considered dangerous situations only strained my command more. Finally, after disobeying direct orders and engaging a hostile force at the Back of the yards summits, I was relieved of Command. That shit hurt to lose the best ship in the fleet. I was asked to take a few months off an return to duty, but instead..I only made things worse. Finally it was suggested that I take a medical leave according to regulation 619. I think its time.
I haven't done that in a while, creatively write. But as fun as that exercise was in, it does state a truth. Its time for me to walk away, seriously for a while and heal. For the past 60 days, I have been emotionally compromised, trying to find a solution to a new and life shaking problem, opening my heart and my mind in an effort make something work, and trying to maintain my energy and strength as a father of two beautiful sons. In spite of migraines, chest pains, depression and other maladies I kept pressing forward, I've ignored these problems for years and even after Jehovah told me to sit my arse down I kept defying him until finally succumb to my injuries. Let me be even more frank, I should have walked my ass into a hospital a month ago, but fear of appearing weak, fear of losing, not wanting to leave my sons behind with no help forced me to keep going. I knew my tank was on empty that Friday before the love lock down weekend, but I lacked the words to tell her, I felt it would run her away. I felt that my sons mother would feel abandoned by me or rather I was shirking duties; she lost both parents in 2008 and kept on going. Here I was needed to fold over a situation most people feel isn't important.
But the fact of the matter is this, and a few others are very important to me. Although she often forgets it, I was stung by Wei Yan this summer, maybe not to THIS degree but still I was upset at her dealing with Ken. Truth is when I care, I care and there is nothing I cant do about it. If not caring is part of the definition of being a true man in this era then I respectful decline the label of true man and reject the included definition. Even now I'm not sure what stops me from walking into EMHC for two or three weeks and healing, perhaps its pride, perhaps I want to truly try to learn about Jehovah's restorative powers. I just know today my grief has reset itself at one. I am no longer ashamed of this, and no longer will run from it despite cries from my "people" that I am a "pussy", "weak", "irritanting", "whinnying" or no "longer a man." Its funny from a community that professes Christian faith and love they seem to forget the counsel found at 2 Timothy 3:1 which states: "But know this, in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here." This is apart of the system of things. Hell even Jesus gives me permission to mourn in laying out the 9 happinesses in Matthew 5:1-11. In verse 4 Jesus states "Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted." I need to heal. Seriously. The warning of Nickjack came true: the patchwork healing wasn't going to last because in a face of a serious crisis, which a Love Supreme was, I would break.
So I'm doing what any true man will do. I'm counting my loses and accepting I cant answer the bell no more. I pray, dearly, that my friends and family understand. But if I never heal, my sons wont ever be properly trained.
I want to state for the record, that no matter what happens I don't hold anybody responsible. My mental health is my responsibility and while there were factors, while I do believe people could have been more considerate it is my responsibility.
Today, I'm going to call EMHC and take that mental break and deal with the fall out later. Perhaps one day, when I'm fully restored with the combination of secular and spiritual healing I will be whole again. But today..these rolling emotions show me the truth. Its time to retire.
*Lays Captain's rank on the desk*
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
5-27-2009
1:21pm
