"I have dreamed a dream and now that dream is gone from me." ~Morpheus
Let me state that I'm not blaming anybody. I am not putting my emotional sadness and distress on anyone. This is not a fault finding piece.
I'm just writing and venting. My eyes are swollen from tears and lack of sleep. I don't want to call any friends because I don't want to hear any platitudes.
I'm officially in trouble. I know this and at the same time I'm uncertain of how to stop it. If you take the Battle Weary feeling I had this summer, multiply it by 35 then you have the emotional depths I have sunken too in thirty days.
I realize that when my suns cant even make me smile, when I have to pull over on the Dan Ryan for ten minutes to cry that I am in trouble.
There is a battle for my soul and I am unsure of the outcome. Part of me keeps saying that I will answer the bell every round and give it my all; but there is another part of me that wants to take the gloves off and quit.
I'm frustrated, isolated (by choice), not sleeping, barely eating, suffering from nightmares, migraines, sad and Right now I feel worse than when my dad died. I am struggling.
For the first time in a looooooooooong time I honestly thought about killing myself tonight. What did Scarface once rhyme? "Bang and get it ova with. Then I'm worried free..but that's bullshit"
Fear of the unknown keeps me from walking down this dark path. What would be said the morning after? Would I be villianized further? Would it silence my shame or intensify it? And what of my suns? And its bullshit to go out that way but still......I keep thinking of them.....
My heirs, my lifeline in this sea of emotions. The only two people I can hug and not be judged and seen as weak.
or whack.
or lost.
or unhappy.
or unstable.
Because I am in serious mourning and enduring a trial.
Trials.....
I tried to read the bible tonight, but I couldn't focus. So many emotions and memories swimming in my head. So many voices.
I've lost a lot this past month. More than you or anybody will care to know or maybe understand.
I honestly can only think of one person who may understand. Irony. Its a bitch to lose a dream.
Perhaps, I just need to sleep. Then maybe my imagination will stop running wild, maybe my feelings of inadequacy will go away, maybe the memories will silence the voices and whispers.And maybe my imagnation will stop running wild.
I need to lay down. Tomorrow I have to get up and help my suns plan mothers day for their mother. I have to answer the bell.
I have to fight the darkness....but honestly, I.so.tired.
I'm going to go try to sleep now.
Goodnight my unpaid snarky mofo therapist reader(s),
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-9-2009
11:15pm
2 comments:
i hope the part about you killing yourself if for pure entertainment purposes or you hope "she" will read it and come back to you...because you are scaring me, im disappointed in you...
@annoymous:
1)According to the information on my desk, "she" no longers reads my blog. So anything I write is from the heart and not for "attention". Ok maybe disavowed was but nothing else. Wait solder and the gypsy was too.
So since she's not reading I can write a lil more grimy and honest.
2)It would be so crude to and dishonest to use potential suicide as a threat. As somebody whose been on both sides of the coin I can tell you that would only be counter productive.
I appreciate your concern and offering a critique. I assure you that I'm harder on myself than anybody else, so these feelings suck to me too. But as evidence by my current writings I answered the bell again.
TLT
Post a Comment