"Two Truths and Lie" or "Uh Let me Explain"

"Just let your word YES mean YES, your NO, NO
for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one." ~Matthew 5:37

War.Clouds.Judgment. I've said that over a hundred times this past month. It is a lesson I've learned but sometimes forget to apply; honestly after losing big this month I had better gain discernment in the matter because for every moment I allow these clouds to linger is another moment I can and will make irreversible mistakes.

With that said....

I've been blogging for some time now, first on Myspace and then on Blogspot. My writing has been a source of therapy for me and I'm sure a source of entertainment for the dozens of my snarky mofo fans out there. When I write, it's how I feel at the moment, my rawest emotions, sometimes well thought out, sometimes a rant equivalent to Tupac's Hit em up, but its still none the less me. I realize moments pass and moods switch, but I love to see what my thought process was during a trial, happy moment, victory or defeat. It is for this reason I refuse to apologize for the contents of my blog, and will clown you if you attempt to put any kind of censorship on my blog. I also believe that once I hit this publish post button, what I've put out there is accepted as truth and no amount of explanation or clarifications will change the initial reaction. This is what started the whole shty storm in the first place, me sending an email that said both some harsh things and some loving things. As per the right of the receiver, she told it how IT MADE HER FEEL, even if I cleaned it up a bit.

This is why I've NEVER written a retraction or even a sincere apology because well these are my words and feelings and honestly people are going to take it how they want.

Yet for all the talk about MY words, MY blog, my, my my, I forgot a simple truth found in both Proverbs 15:1 and in Matthew 12:34. Look them up. Both of these scriptures tell us how to speak, how to defuse tense situations and most important that what comes out of your mouth reflects whats in your heart even for a moment. Since I am walking closer to Jehovah and the light of truth, I have to remember that in my future writings and even on occasion review some older posts which may have stung.

In doing this I realized my recent entry DISAVOWED, was really nothing more than a self indulgent artist expression sorta like Erykah Badu's last album, but without all the bs philosophies and knee deep in pity party emotions.

In that piece I lamented how: my crew turned their backs on me, how Queen left me for dead, and how folks where unjustifiably taunting me. Those were my feelings for that moment.

Yet in that moment of pity, or rather pity seeking, I wasn't totally honest and took a lot of creative liberates. I feel back on the notion of "a certain point of view" and in doing so I upset a shit load of people.

The truth is BFL didnt rally to my side not because they didnt care, but they understood as painful as this situation was, as hurt (not heartbroken) as I was, I had come through more. As I was told at the Cinco De Mayo celebration on Tuesday, I was a survivor, a fighter, and a scholar. They simple thought that once I got it through my thick arse head to fall back and chill, I'd save my kingdom. So what I took as "abandonment", was nothing more than "I know you can beat this champ" kinda encouragement. Had I taken the time to stop, pause, think, ask, and then write I wouldn't have hurt my crew who has loved me for ten plus years.

My queen hasn't ignored me, she just hasnt responded how I wanted and said what I needed to hear. Honestly when I saw her at the celebration, I saw the sadness in her eyes and understood why she stays away and why she doesn't respond in the manner I want her too. That is key because she does/do/will respond if I truly need her, but she is doing something I never learned to do and that is protect the emotional and mental investment of her heart and mind. Her eyes was not of hate and scorn but disappointment and confusion. Where was the King she longed to see, the king that she hopped of the truck that night to see and gave the most passionate I love you and kiss too.

He's been missing since Feb 28th. He's been focusing on all the wrong things and he's just been plain whack. I'm not saying she didn't make mistakes or hasn't been a bit stubborn, but what I am saying is the Teacher she feel in love with was supplanted by the King and he was a total asshole. Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. But yet she keeps subtly reaching out. As painful as it is to type and admit this, if she has moved on she has deserved it. If she has forgotten about me then I have deserved it. Nickjack once told me that I push and push and push and sometimes I push the wrong button and then damn, I'm here a month out typing this instead of enjoying the weather with her and my suns. Lessons learned, meaning made, personality profile updated.

Lastly, I can't be mad at W.Y, S.B. or anybody else who is laughing at my utter fall out. I willfully shitted on a lot of folks for Queen, and its pretty arrogant to think I wasn't going to have some kind of repercussions. I'm lucky, to be honest, one of them didn't plant a blade in my neck. So while I whined about how their mocking me, I need to remember that I threw their championship belt in the trash on Monday Nitro. (Hmmm, that analogy just gave me an idea for my next blog series. Good job at self motivation) I acted careless and this is simply the consequence of my actions. I'm not saying I made a mistake in leaving, that was still the best decision I've ever made, what I am saying is I could have been a little more respectful and careful and for that I apologize.

With this blog, the entry disavowed is retcon'ed. Its from an alternate history. Its like Bobby Ewing in the shower. It didn't happen.

To BFL I'm sorry, to the scorned ones I'm sorry and to Queen well I would say I'm sorry but I've apologized so much its almost meaningless. Oh what the hell. I'm deeply sorry.

Now I need to go lay down, this flu is killing me

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-7-2009
8:45pm