Teach Me Cause I'm SOOOOOO Confused Right Now.

"But know this, in the last days
critical times hard to deal with will be here"
~ 2 Timothy 3:1

I've often wondered if I am a man outside of time, out of place. I've felt that way for a long time. I believe I first encountered this feeling around 2004, when I attended a better yourself workshop. I listened as, well at least my POV, all the keys to living a "happy" life revolved around pissing on people. DO you. Make you happy. Etc. Immediately, being the over analytical snarky mofo I raised my hand and asked "What happens if doing you hurts the community. I mean a crack head is doing what makes him happy when he robs your mama, should that be allowed." I remember the presenter hee hawing about for an answer and dismissing me as thinking too much.

I've wrestled with that notion for sometime, because I have seen and admittedly done shit that made me happy at the expense of the the community and other people. I am told to do me. I don't know.

I'm at a cross roads because I've learned that the qualities I thought made me a fine man: compassion, loyalty, honor, dignity, adherence to order and rules, loving and giving nature in fact where seen as weakness and seen as "suffocating","insecurities", "possessiveness".

This realization utterly messes with one's...man I don't even have the words. I thought that was wanted desired in a King, in a Teacher, Head, etc. To learn that those things are weird and one needs to be carefree, not give a fuck, or whatever this new post modern shit is utterly dishearting. Honestly, its shit like this that makes you stab yourself and commit seppiko me really question my dedication to the concept of Black love and wonder if I should just go straight into the ministry. I do remember a scripture by the Apostle Paul advocating we stay single and dedicate our lives to Jah in 1 Cor 7:27-34. Everyday that counsel seems more and more logical, given my qualities as a man, and the reality I'm facing in Black love. (Of course being the sex addict I am, I have no early clue as to how I could survive sans sex and not fornicate which would make the whole serving Jehovah right concept go out the window.)

All I know is in the beginning I was told "I need A, B, and C." I looked at my skill set and said "Hey I can provide A, B, C, as well as D, E, and F." I did that and now I am being made out as some kind of weak man, a villain for loving someone. That fucking hurts. Like hell. OK..I can be the villain I'll admit that. But weak? No. Pussy whupped? Debatable. Crazy? Most assuredly not.....yet.

Also in the interest of fairness perhaps it isn't the qualities but my implementation of those qualities. I might not be doing it right. But I mean how do you love? Nurture? Show admiration? Is there a text book? A cool way to do it? I'm utterly fucking confused. I really am. Musiq's song "Teach Me" comes to mind:

I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till you tired (yeah) got to provide (yeah)
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me

I just don't know snarky mofo reading this. What am I doing wrong? How can loving someone be wrong?

It has got to be implementation. But as I said how do you implement love?

It's crushing to know you gave your best and then it wasn't good enough. It's crushing to know the qualities you believe are lacking in the community are seen in such a negative light.

I refuse to believe this is the truth. I cannot. It has to be implementation. But I don't know how to implement.

Teach me Jah. Please do because I'm not understanding and lack of understanding mixed with grief can put a man's mind in a horrible place. I am questioning myself and my worth. Irony. Fucking irony. This is so familiar. I've seen this before but cant place it where. I didn't live it but I've seen it. I'd settle for the crying to come back over this feeling I swear.

This one is gonna fuck with me all day. ALL day.

I'm go try to enjoy the sun and forget.

Enjoy the day blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-20-2009
9:25am