Sins of the Father Pt. 8: Dreams

"I need you to protect my wife and protect this house" ~LeMar Thomas

For the third time this month I've dreamt of my father. Not just any dream but a lucid dream, where he is sitting there, or cooking or laughing. In this last dream, he just walked through the front door in his funeral suit, upset that we buried him and didn't even leave him a sandwich. He sat in his favorite chair and told me to get off the computer.

He also lowered his head and told me he was SO disappointed in me. He then proceeded to assign me some menial tasks to complete for him, "favors" he used to call them and he asked these favors when he was annoyed with you and wanted you out of his sight.

Needless to say I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I woke up with asking myself what WOULD he say if he walked through that door right now. Would he be proud of me? Would he be satisfied with the outcome of the tasks he asked me to complete? Would he be glad I'm carrying his name? Would I get that smile that I so often sought as a little boy and adult man, but rarely got?

If I were to answer this question honestly then I would have to say no. My father would be very disappointed in me. I haven't been protected his family, I haven't held my mom down as I should and I haven't..well shit there's a lot of things I haven't done.

I know for a fact he would be thoroughly disappointed in how I've made a mess of some many things, both professional and personal. He once praised me for being the best tactical mind he knew, the one person to stand tall and calm during the storms and the one person who would know what to do when it needed to be done. He truly would shake his head in disbelief at how I've operated the past two years. This morning, this gloomy morning it gives me a lot to think about as I talk with Jehovah and as I take a morning drive.

I read that I could be experiencing an early midlife crisis. I'm at the half way point and I'm looking at my victories, defeats and draws. I'm looking at where I wanted my life to go as opposed to where it has gone. I've looked at loved lost, esp this past month and I think I'm up to the third woman that was supposed to be a slam dunk in the wife category. Or at the least the second. I look at my credit score and.....

and I realize this is all the trick of the devil to slow me down and make me gloomy. But still I struggle with things. I mean the skills and qualities once revered: Intelligence, cunning, passion, and persistence, are now seen as flaws. There was a time me fighting for Queen would have been seen as beautiful and inspirational, now its gotten me cleanly put into the crazy box, even if it is beautiful and inspirational. There was a time where my intelligence and cunning made me the center of attention, now its isolated me.

I don't know. I just know today I gotta lot to talk to Jehovah about, a lot to cry about and even a lot to smile about.

I can smile at the fact that I've given CJ and Debo my all. He would be proud of that. I can smile that my sons and I share a bond, and they often give me the well needed boost. I can smile that they are well behaved, happy, handsome and smart. He would smile at them too.

Esp Devin ;-).

Still, in the morning, I will have to talk to my dad. He will want answers as to why I haven't completed some tasks. He will want to know why I stopped thinking and acting and became reactionary. LeMar will want answers and as a former CPD detective he will get them. He also had that gift.

Hopefully, I'll have better answers by the time we meet.

I miss you LeMar.

Straight, No Chaser
5-9-2009
10:39am