Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

Act (ions) of an Apostle.

"The Gifts you had in the world are magnified
when you are saved and use them for God" ~Pastor Olison

"I AM Black Studies!"

For more than a decade, the above statement was the mantra I lived, breathed and died; I even went so far as to put in on a shirt in 2005. Black Studies was more than a academic discipline to me, it was a way of life. From the personal to the professional I sought to live out what I thought the principles of Black Studies were (which I can sum up as thus): Never substitute Black truth for white lies and always fight for the needs and liberation of my people. Friend and foe alike understood that when it came to the discipline, I was pragmatic and ruthless (although less kind folks would call me a butthole). Personal feelings rarely entered the equation. The central question for me was "How can Black Studies become relevant again and what role can I play to help make this goal a reality?" A subtext of this question was "Who would I have to mow down and walk over to achieve the goals of the first question?"

As dedicated as I was to Black Studies, as much as I tried to inculcate the lifestyle to everyone around me, I was an empty man. My zeal to serve the people was only an attempt to fill my empty soul with purpose. It seemed no matter how much I dove into the pool of the "liberation struggle" the emptier I became. Of course when you combine this with the self destructive life style I was living: whoring, drinking, and making enemies the result is pure shenanigans...and is very sad. Of course the irony of all this was that every self destructive moment made me realize I was not living up to the high ideals of Black Studies I often sold in public. In my eyes I was becoming, if I had not already become, "one of them": the elders who used the struggle to satisfy all of their lusts and appetites. For all of my talk about my people, for all of my intellectual pontifications on the "social implications of white supremacy in a post civil rights, post 9-11 society", I was really nothing more than one of the creatures the Apostle Paul speaks of at Romans 1:18-24: one who knows there is a God (either raised to know this or just by general observation) and refuses to follow God's Holy and righteous requirements for living. This type of person only is concerned with their hedonistic desires and worships everything but God. In essence, like the person in the above scripture, I ignored,(not forgot) what God required of me and put everything over his Holy standards. I only became concerned with what TLT wanted, my next sexual conquest, how I could make it to the top and where the next bottle was coming from. My self destructive behavior was compounded by my so called intellect; I was a fool who swore I was wise.

However, I would not escape sanctions. In verses 28-33 of the same chapter the Apostle gives us warning of what happens to those who behave like this. He warns:

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

*pause*
I need to stop here and offer this clarification: I am in no way implying that my dedication to Black Studies caused my downfall. I am merely saying that I used Black Studies to fill in void in my life. When that didn't work I turned to other materials, which actually was less effective and that created an inner conflict which drove me further away from the one thing that could have made me whole: God.

*play*

If I am honest with myself, and I always am, I can EASILY identify at least four of the above mentioned traits in the old me. No wonder I battled with depression and other issues. I had removed myself from the present of Jehovah and in doing so I lost myself. It wouldn't be until April of this year that I truly begin to come back and remember that I can go home and I can get back in line so my life can be what God wants and demands it to be. I also thank my friend who came behind enemy lines to get me.

Of course the devil with all his machinations wouldn't allow that. He, in moments that I am not careful, often tries to remind me that I don't deserve ANY mercy from God; he reminds me that God has put lesser men to death for lesser offenses, and I shouldn't even seek his approval, forgiveness nor dedicate my life to him.

Of course our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ reminds us at John 8:44, that the devil is the father of lies; through the study of my Word I have discerned that even entertaining this doubt will only make me leave the only place that filled me up. Thus, I looked to the word to find examples of men far worse than I, whom God forgave and used for his glory, gospel and mission.

In the ninth chapter of the book of Acts (also know as Acts of Apostles) there is a story of a man named Saul of Taurus, who by all accounts was a very talented man. Saul was a lawyer and a Pharisee. He also was an extreme opponent of the early apostles attempt to found a Christian congregation. He sought to stomp out the church before it even got fully started. He hunted men and women who followed "The Way" (what early followers of Jesus were called); he even stood by and watched as the disciple Stephen was killed by the Sanhedrin. Like most Pharisees, he swore he was doing the work of God and using this logic, he decided to wage all out war against the church (Acts 7 and 8 respectively).

While on the road to Damascus, Saul was confronted by none other than Jesus himself, who wanted to know why he was acting the fool. Literally blinded by this encounter (i.e. blinded by the truth) and realizing in that moment how wrong he was, Saul repented and changed his heart. Jesus instructed him to go to the discipline Ananias, who would heal his blindness and finalize his training as an Apostle.

Without going to much into detail, Saul became the Apostle Paul one of the most important figures in our faith. If Jesus is the foundation and instruction for Christians, the Apostle Paul helped expand the church leaps and bounds. Indeed, he is a perfect example of a man who used the gifts he had in the world: persuasion, intelligence, organization, etc and under Holy Spirit used them for God. There can be no other explanation as the Apostle Paul is the author of 13 books of the New Testament (Greek Scriptures):Romans -Hebrews respectively.

*note: The Apostle Paul himself speaks of his past and how he came to be saved at 2 Corinthians 11:21-29 and Philippians 3:1-7 respectively.*

I often think about the life and times of the Apostle Paul, who next to Jesus is my FAVORITE biblical person. Paul was Christ like, Paul understood that Jesus could have punished him on that road but instead saw the truth of his character and used him to spread his message and build his church. You see there are worse men than I who God has saved and used. I truly understand that keeping myself in guilt is only a seed planted by Satan to move me out of position and out of my blessing.

I realize now I want to use all of my gifts for God like Paul. Every single one....including this blog. I am actively seeking Holy Spirit to guide me and help me develop the same zeal I had in Black Studies (and sinning) for God and the body of Christ. I don't want to half step this walk. If I gave my all for man, I can surely give my all for God. Like Paul, who undoubtedly realized that if he could give his all to try to destroy the church he most certainly could give his all to build it.

A month or so ago, my wonderful Pastor told us "The Gifts you had in the world are magnified when you are saved and use them for God. That scares me sometime. I know in Black Studies I was a zealot, yet at the same time hypocritical. I don't want to be that. I want to live for God. I want to give him everything I gave Black Studies with none of the nonsense and none of the self destructive behavior. If I could serve the temple of OH with no complaints, no second guessing and total dedication then most surely I can follow Christ, the man of God and give the H.O.G. family that same dedication.

I do believe that I will be able to do this if I continue to stay in my word, continue to stay prayed up, follow the instructions of my spiritual leaders, and closely monitor my association. I can have the actions of an Apostle even if I may never be called to be one.

While I still carry a lot of respect for the discipline of Black Studies and its contributions in my life esp in the areas of my academic skills, I understand that it will never give me a fulfilling life. It just won't happen. "The Struggle" alone will always leave me empty and struggling. While I was once "Black Studies", I am no longer. What I am now is a child of God, dedicated servant and one who is growing to make sure I have all the gifts of the spirit. This reality will ensure that I am a better father, sibling, and one day husband.

I won't have it any other way.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised Amen)
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight No Chaser
TLT
10-5-2010
9:51AM

The Longzhong Plan: Parable, Prophesy or just a great story.

Author's Note: The following story and characters is taken from one of my all time favorte books Romance of the Three Kingdoms; the actual text comes from the introduction of the book "Mastering the Art of War" by Thomas Cleary. As the title suggests I think it to be a parable, possibly a prophesy, and a just a damn good read. What you think it means I live up to you. I will simply use the words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and say "whoever has ears, let them hear" ~TLT

In the spring of 208, member of the imperial family of the Han Dynasty and virtuous warrior Liu Bei, was on the cusp of total defeat. Although he was in command of three of nations strongest and cunning warriors: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Zhao Yun, he lacked a strategist who could rival the wiles of Tsao Tsao, his arch enemy.

Acting upon the advice of an former subject, Liu Bei and his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhange Fei, went to visit the Hidden Dragon, Zhuge Liang. Liu Bei was advised that Zhuge Liang was a mind unrivaled under heaven and would alter his fortunes. (As a side note he was also advised to seek out The Fledgling Phoenix, Pang Tong, should Zhuge Liang been unwilling to serve. Tong was seen as Liang's equal of sorts.)

After seeking out the reclusive genius three times, Liu Bei was finally given an audience. After sitting down Liu Bei said to Zhuge Liang "The house of Han is collapsing; treacherous officials are usurping authority; the emperor is blinded by the dust.” The warrior lord went on to solicit Zhuge’s advice.

In response, Zhuge Liang told Liu Bei the following:

“Ever since the beginning of the current power struggle for what is left of the Han empire, many prefectures and districts have been taken over by such men. If you compare current contenders for national power, one of them - the notorious Tsao Tsao was once an unknown with a small force, yet he was able to overcome another warlord with a much large following. The reason the weaker was able to prevail over the stronger is not simply a matter of celestial timing, but also of human planning. Tsao Tsao now has a million followers; he controls the emperor and gives orders to the lords - he can not really be opposed.”

“Another warlord, in control of the area east of the river, is already
the third generation hegemon there. The territory is rugged and the
people are loyal to him; the intelligent and capable serve in his
employ. He would be a suitable ally, but he cannot be counted on”

“Here there is ease of communications and transport. It is a land
suitable for military operations. If its ruler cannot keep it this
would seem to be a boon to a general. Do you have any interest in it?
To the southwest are precipitous natural barriers beyond which lie
vast fertile plains. That land is called the heavenly precinct, and it
is where the Han dynasty really began.”

“Now the governor of that region is ignorant and weak. To the north is the stronghold of the independent Taoist cult of Celestial Masters. The people are robust and the land is rich, but they do not know how to take care of it. Men of knowledge and ability want to find an
enlightened leader.”

“General, you are a descendant of the imperial family, and are known everywhere for integrity and justice. You gather heroic men and eagerly seek the wise. If you occupy this whole region, guard the crags and defiles, establish good relations with the foreign tribes to
the west and south, make friends with the warlord east of the river, and work to perfect internal organization, then when there is a upheaval in the total political situation and you mobilize your armies, the common people will surely welcome you with food and drink. If you can really do this, hegemony can be established, and the house of Han can be revived.”

Liu Bei agreed, and it turned out as planned.

Zhuge Liang became his top strategists.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised AMEN)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-18-2010
12:10pm

Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm

Revolutions and Rotations: Broken then Healed

"God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
once you trust Him, you will receive."
~Broken, But Healed by Byron Cage

Today is August 10th and it my 35th birthday.

I have survived and grown another year.

Like the past five birthdays, this one comes after a major tragedy: the death of my beloved Queen Mother Tony Thomas. Her untimely passing on the 4th of July has left this something of a solemn birthday; she not being here physically to celebrate 35 years of life, love and friendship does kill my mood just a bit.

Comparatively speaking, as unjust, unfair, and down right horrid as the "LSC" and "DOF" was, losing my Queen Mother is far worse. Despite my best efforts, NO words can accurately give life to this lost (and honestly I don't want you to know how this feels). However, unlike the aforementioned tragedy (and the birthdays that followed), I am NOW equipped with something I never had (or rather never thought to use): belief in God and faith in the promises set forth in his word. In this season of EARNESTLY putting God first and trying to live right, I am becoming "fully competent, completely equipped to handle every good work (2 Timothy 3:17 NWT)." For the first time since my 29th birthday, I woke up feeling blessed. I will continue to smile and thank Jehovah (Yahweh) for another year and press towards the mark of the high calling (Philippians 3:14 KJV).

Despite feeling blessed, I woke up with thankful tears in my eyes that God delivered me from myself, from the machinations of the devil, and the swamp of despond. I think back, with a bit of shame, to where I was emotionally and mentally last year: drunk, vulgar, angry at the world for an injustice done to me, giving lip service to God but with no real dedication, crying over one woman who didn't want me and seeking comfort in the arms of another woman who I had no business with nor should have used like that. What a wretched man I was; though I am still far from perfect.

I am under no illusions that my change was through the power of Holy Spirit and the grace of God alone. As I stated many times (and you all agreed) I am a highly intelligent brother, full of perseverance, full of honor, and full of strength. Yet under my own...whatever, I was unable to tap into anything in my repertoire to overcome the challenges before me. I was powerless. But, as the Apostle Paul writes, at just the right time when I was powerless, God stepped in, healed my mind and heart then guided my steps to him; God has given me all what I need to get up and press forward, and if I continue to seek Him first then He will give me what I need to conquer so much more (Matt 6:33 TNIV).

But now, on this my 35th birthday, I will go visit my mother's grave and lay flowers. I will hug, kiss and play with my sons. I will go to church and praise the Lord for all he has done for me: He kept me from sinking. Instead of a vulgar party I can barely afford, being drunk and full of bitterness or any of that other stuff, I will spend my 35th birthday surrounded by the things and people of God, behaving in a manner of a man who is walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22 TNIV).

I can not predict or even stop challenges from happening in my life. I can and will however be responsible for how I respond. I am decreeing in this season of change that last year was the last time I will spend the day of my birth in mourning, angry, a drunkard, or even bitter over the wrongs I have been dealt. From this year on, no matter the challenges that come prior, on this day I will celebrate family, love, life, and most importantly I will Bless the Lord.

Byron Cage was so on point with his song. He CAN mend your (and mine) brokenness..once you trust him you WILL receive.

I love progress. Now, if he finds me worthy, I hope next year I am blessed with a wife to spend this day with. I have faith that he will.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is FOREVER praised Amen) for the lessons learned, meanings made and healing experienced this year.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
8-10-2010
8:15am

Still Struggling with the Words.....

As most of you probably know I lost my mother last week (7-4-2010). We laid her to rest on Saturday.

I am supposed to be writing a blog chronicling what happened when my mother died, writing thank you letters and filling out cards but I can't find the words.

I can't even organize the notes. I figured I was ready to take this step but I am not.

Give me time.

In the meanwhile go kiss your mother.

Rest easy Queen Mother. I will see you in the morning.

Maria "Tony" Thomas
Wife, Mother, Sister, and Servant of Jehovah.
April 9, 1952-July 4, 2010

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
(and missing mama)
TLT
7-13-2010
3:32pm

Peace, Upgrades and Redemption: Finding comfort and solace in Faith

"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know.
Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness.
Ain't that what the good book says?"
~John Marston

I was talking with an old friend of mine about my
spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.

The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.

As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.

Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.

Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).

More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?

Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).

I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.

As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.

Ain't nothing else really needs saying...

In Truth and Transparency

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-02-2010
3:45pm