A Love Supreme Pt.1: Father to Sun

"When you could have saved her, when you could have gone away with her, when you could have been thinking about her, you were thinking about yourself....."
~Revenge of the Sith Novel

It is in this blazing moment you realize that you finally understand the trap of the dark side, the final cruelty of the dark side, the way of the closed fist...

My self is now all I may ever have.

Welcome to Day 5. Total sleep time thus far: 32 hrs out of 120. Total food: 2 pieces of sea bass, mixed veggies and 5 damn wings, two gallons of vodka, countless redbulls, a couple of bottles of cranapple juice. The next mofo tells me this shit gets easier I will throw hot redbull in their eyes I swear to Black Jesus.

So let's talk about Day 5.....

This morning started with a typical drive to my suns school. During the drive my oldest boy CJ asked "Hey can we have another family game night?" I hemmed and dodged answering his question. But undeterred, like his father he asked again and this time more forcibly. "Dad, can we got to [classified]'s house." I looked at him and tried to remain strong. "No son, I don't think we're going to be doing that again." Almost instantly his eyes filled up with water. "Why not?" he asked, trying to be respectful but now deeply disturbed. I shifted in my seat slightly and said "We broke up." Now deeply disturbed and about to cry he said "Was it our fault for being bad that last time?" I said told him no and that me and Z ran into grown up complications and assured him that this had nothing to do with him or Devin and that she still loves them. I swear I felt like a friggin after school special. "When parents divorce" or something corny like that. I didnt even have coffee to help me through this malarky.

My sun began to cry now and said "She was a good step mom." He then laid against the window and let the tears fall.

It was all I could not to cry out, and by this time the conversation had garnered the attention of my younger sun, who was equally upset but no less emotional. He said "Dad, why don't you say you're sorry. You make me and Centrell say you're sorry. Or buy some candy? Or take her out?" You have to love the minds of a child and preteen because they can sum up simple truths far better than we as adults can.

I held my composure until I dropped them off. My oldest asked could he call her and say good bye and I told him no, as it wasn't the right time. He got out the car now in tears. What a way to start his day and my day five. Good job there Dr. Huxtable....not.

It's called connected. All the pieces matter and now, in another moment of clarity, albeit great sadness, I see my mistakes have affected them. Our beef has now spread to my suns. I saw the disappointment in Centrell's eyes as he realized that one of the few people who connected with him was gone and probably the result of some silly shit is dad did.

I cried the entire ride home. I feel like shit and so powerless. I didn't mean for it to end like this; I all wanted was the best.

And like Anakin, in wanting the best I forgot to consider the entire spectrum, the best because what was best for me.

Hindsight is so pointless. I hate these clear moments because they bring up a ton of pain. I'd rather have the tipsy moments where I don't see and don't remember.

And generally hindsight only serves as a reminder. Like a deck of cards I saw what was going on and just was unable to stop it.

Enough pontificating. This is bad. I can no longer listen to the radio nor eat. I'm officially in mourning.

I am officially reflecting.

As I cried my eyes out I come to realization I can't dodge this convo forever and my suns will come for answers and they will want a rationale. I can't hide behind the "father role" and I will have to answer them patiently and with love, esp if there is any doubt that they, and not my ineptness caused this problem. It's ironic that their first lesson in heartbreak is brought on by losing a woman they began to see as a step mother. Isn't it ironic that while mourning I have to teach them?

And how the fluck, snarky mofo readin this, can I teach them a skill I don't have?

I think of how my father would have handled this. Honestly, piss poorly. He would have poured salt all on my wound in a form of tough love. I remember my father and how he would respond. He would tell me in the most callous way "Terry, that woman ain't thinking bout you, while you crying she's moved on. Probably got a new man. Its time to stop mourning and go on."

I shiver at the notion of telling my suns something so crass and so untrue, even if it is true about her not thinking about me. I couldn't tell them to get over it and forget her, because well I cant do it. They need to mourn and I wont stop them. I will mourn with them.

And I am going to take my time and fuck whoever doesn't understand what this lost means to me.

I didn't even mourn this hard for you dear father. In fact I'd argue your training told me not to mourn.

That makes my chest hurt. Holding this in makes my chest hurt.

Guilt makes my chest hurt.
Failure makes my chest hurt.
Looking at CJ cry...made...my...chest...hurt.

I am so sorry Sun. All of you all. I am sorry.

I keep trying to pray to Jah but I think he's not listening. He wants me to lament. I just don't know. You proved you're point big guy, so uh can we undo all of this now? Thanks.

I wish I could do it over again, but I fear I can't. I fear the worse.

So, even in my tears I have to dry his tears. Unlike my father I'm going to allow CJ to cry with me.

My arrogance cost him someone who loved him too. I am sorry. I pray more than she, CJ cant forgive me.

Thinking of Devin makes me smile. "Just say you're sorry." In his world it makes it all better, but in my world its rarely heard. But for them I will try.

I am sorry.

Nobody can fathom the remorse in my heart right now. I have learned there are regrets in this life.....

truly......

Straight, No Chaser.
TLT
4-07-2009
9:45am