On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 4: Things Fall Apart and the Rebuilding of Self

"These walls have a sobering effect" ~TLT

I knew it was going to happen. I was warned that if I continued to fight this war and push myself my engine would finally conk out. I was told to accept the changes and get over it; to accept that she wasn't coming back and to pray until I healed. I was advised to monitor my associations, not to make deals with devils and to take some time off.

I didn't listen and finally the Battle Weary Solider fell. My engine gave out. I was broken.

Almost 2 months past the time when I should have I finally took the mental health break I needed and had to and checked into a "facility", nothing high tech or overly locked down, but someplace where I could restore my mind, cry and heal...in peace.

It is now time to truly begin the long (perhaps) and much needed (indeed) process of healing. The Love Supreme Crisis and all of its contents and variations almost killed me; rather I almost allowed it to kill me.

S0 what finally pushed me to the point, that point where I was about to do something I would regret, do something that would leave a legacy I could never erase?

I simply read something and it hurt. To keep with my Star Trek motif: I took a shot to my hull that basically wrecked my ship, the thought of "him" in that place drives me crazy...rather it did. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't believe that after all the assurances to the contrary, the ultimate mind fuck had happened, that she went back. In essence I felt devastated, I assumed the worst case scenario had happened and I just lost it. I was hurt beyond repair and I just couldn't function. You add this news to of my new "responsibility" to my life, the mounting debt and my already depressed mental state and you have a fall. But you know what: I needed that fall, I needed to finally give out and I needed to go. My emotions were rolling and I was making myself sick and tired.

So I begin to put my machinations in order, called two friends and just left. For six days I didn't have any contact with the outside world, no Blackberry, no Facebook, no blog. It was just me, Jehovah, therapy and some real good cries.

It was a well needed respite, a moment to begin to heal in earnest; to reevaluate old and develop new coping skills. The last point is important as sometimes our lives and coping skills become like our shampoo; use them long enough and they no longer get the job done like they should. I was able to re-set some buttons. While I was uh...immobilized I took a personal inventory. I was able to assets my strengths and weaknesses; to truly find out who I am and how I can to be. I learned that my emotions are one my strengths, a source of incredible power, second only to my logic. I learned that I am a natural leader. And I learned that when most people scream "to blessed to be stressed" that usually means to scared to care.

But I also learned that my greatest weakness is my arrogance, that I am too bound by rules and traditions and there are times were the needs of the many don't outweigh the needs of the one. I can and should say no; and while I have been hurt by people carrying flagging the "individualism" banner, not everybody who does so will hurt me, nor is it a reason to abandon my individuality. I have accepted that being broke sucks, yet it doesn't make me less of man, that new responsibilities aren't bad and that despite what the Black Community and Church says depression is real.

I also learned that is OK, perfectly OK to mourn (the) Queen, her loss has reverberated through my life. It is OK to take my time to heal. It is OK to cry and not go to fast. In fact I learned if I didn't do these things then my emotions probably wasn't real to begin with.

Take my time and mourn. I've never done that, hell I barely mourn. But I think I'm going to head that in earnest. I am just come out of the eye of the storm; "The Love Supreme Crisis" was the darkest time in my life to this point, worst than "The Long Night", more frustrating than the "Second Renaissance", and even sadder than "A Death in the Family". It touched my soul, broke me and redefined me all at once. As painful as it is/was, I am and will be a better man for it.

But even in those tears, there is a path to self healing. On June 20th 2009, I finally sat down...to tired to continue and today, almost 7 days later, I come out of a place of healing, my eyes returned to normal, my smile returning and for the first time in a long while consistent clarity.

Its a nice day and I've so dearly missed my children. I do think I am going to stop here prepare to visit them...in a moment.

I'll post my final thoughts on the 90 day anniversary...on July 4th

But right NOW I will have some toast and tea, sit in the Sun, talk to Jehovah, pray for my friends, pray for (the) Queen, my children..and have one last cry...before as Brian McKnight once said "I leave it all behind ".

See you in a few days blogspot...
;-)

It is good to be home.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-26-2009
2:31pm

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 3: Reflections at Midnight.

I am losing this battle. I realize it. The things I need to do, the healing that is required cant be obtained because I cant take the time needed to heal. I am a father. I am needed on the front lines of my family and I just have to accept that much is required of me. I believe in this moment of intense reality a quote from sci-fi best articulates my dilemma "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

Simply going off and resting is not a luxury I have.

I've learned enough tricks to keep myself float long enough to hold it back the eventual darkness (and possibly worse) that will engulf me. Again, using Stark Trek analogy my ship has no warp, no shields, the hull has been compromised, and my engines only work on auxiliary. I'm dead in the water. So right now I'm just trying to keep afloat until...another Bird of Prey de-cloaks or I can get to a space dock.

I think that's why I've undertaken this task to write this blog. I wanted my sons to know the truth, I've wanted my queen to know the truth, I've wanted BFL09 to know the truth. I'm not weak. I'm not a coward. I am simply a man whose engine gave out. I've lost my love, my emotions and slowly my will to live.

Snarky mofo I just don't know. This has been the darkest I've ever seen it. It is Blacker than the long night and honestly I just don't have it to go on.

I pray so much yet I don't think Jah hears my pleas. I cry for my Queen yet I don't think it matters. In short I'm tired. I really am. In a lot of ways death would be a welcome release for me.

Yet part of me wishes I could just forget wishes I could be happy and not feel tired.

I am Battle Weary.

I just don't know.

I look at my brother getting married and I am happy for him yet I am sad. I was supposed to be planning a wedding and now it is gone. It has left me forever.

I cant find work. Its just bad.

All I have is my boys. I love them so much. They keep me going. I don't do what I need to do because I don't want to leave them a bum legacy. But truth but told I cant go on.

LOL. I just don't know snarky mofo that is reading this. Perhaps after a night of crying I will be OK, but today I just don't know.

I've written three emotionally taxing pieces.

I am now going to go cry and pray that he delievers me...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-19-2008

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 2: A Critical Analysis of The Love Supreme Crisis

"I miss you" ~Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes

It has been 76 days, 15 hrs and umpteen minutes since the Love Supreme Crisis began and while I am still in the midst of this I now have some understanding as to what happened, even if I was powerless to stop it. I now understand there was no malice involved, just a series of mis-communication and complications. It was as Murphy's Law states: "Anything that can go wrong will"; a series of unfortunate events if you will.

Put another way it was (a) the perfect storm. Consider the following:

• Two people with the same agenda but with extremely different methods of achieving the goals.
• Two people with certain mental and emotional quirks, IE she was drained from her previous dynamic and I lack patience to wait a while.
• The conflicting beliefs on the role of individualism in relationships
• My depression and all that it comes with it.

Each of these elements alone would probably have little or no impact, the notable exceptions are 3 and 4 respectively. But combined each one greatly enhanced the other until it reached a boiling point.

If you're new to this blog you're probably asking what is the "Love Supreme Crisis". I will attempt to answer this before I go any further.

My time and dynamic with (the) Queen was given the code name of "A Love Supreme" (inspired by the John Coltrane album of the same name) by me because our journey to be one took place over four parts similar to the album. These parts were Pursuance, Acknowledgement, Psalm and Resolution (the album's format is different). Each of these parts spoke to our journey over the initial two years we tried to make something happen. Pursuance, for example spoke of how we always seem to find each other and to try, no matter what. Acknowledgement speaks to when we finally admitted how we felt and how we believed each other to be our soul mate. It also speaks to us recognizing the truth that we both resurrected each other after some trying times; indeed she single handedly brought by my confidence back. Psalm represents the powerful words we spoke during some trying times in the beginning to re-affirm our faith, and lastly Resolution was our decision to go at it full steam.

So as you can see with one of the greatest Jazz albums as our guide, we had the makings and were supposed to be "A Love Supreme". Without recounting a lot of history, I will say that even though it was a bit problematic at times, this was the happiest time of my life; a moment of peace and bliss...even when I cried. Understanding that "Blessed are those who struggle", we affirmed we would over come the greatest of distances and the longest of years. Everybody who was in our presence appreciated and knew we were the baddest Black couple this side of Barack and Michelle. We were going to be on the cover of Ebony for their Black Couple issue. We were gonna be a power Black couple, we were gonna change peoples definition of love. We were gonna shut the fucking party down do you here me? So naturally when we had a (the) Love Lockdown weekend on April 4th, it because a crisis; my ship had gone and sailed away and with it her voice.

In retrospect, even had I been able to totally eliminate the first 3 problems and problematics, #4 still would have posed a challenge. In fact the seeds for this was planted that night in Borders when I tried to explain depression to her and how it made me feel. As I looked into her eyes and saw them dance with both love and concern, I knew I was possibly planting an ugly seed that would spring forth at the most inopportune time. I looked at the concern on her face and my worries were confirmed when she asked me the universal depression question "You're not gonna jap out or hurt anybody? You ain't never been locked up have you?" Although I smiled and gently answered the question in the negative, I realized in horror that the first time we had a major falling out or I lost my temper in earnest I would be seen as a monster. Future events would prove me correct.

So of course it begs the question of why tell her in the first place. Well I told her because I felt she had a right to know, she was talking about seriously marrying me and I believed she should know about my strengths and my weaknesses. My depression and its realities is apart of that. I had anticipated a depression coming for the holidays, as I was born and raised a Jehovah's Witness I really feel isolated during that time of the year. So basically it was my way of saying "Hey love look, I'm not crazy and I know its a lot the first few months, but its gonna be a bit hectic over the next few weeks." However, in my intellectual honesty I didn't consider a number of things: did she understand clinical depression, if not did she want to understand clinical depression and in a worst case scenario would she be able to endure the storm? I basically just laid it all out without critical assessment. In this moment, I didn't articulate it well enough and I know I planted the wrong seeds.

The second miscue came while I was helping her pack to move and we started discussing old relationships. In conversation she mentioned she left her previous boyfriend because he had gotten depressed and unbearable. I admit I don't remember her exact words as I was too busy staring at her ass, but I didn't speak up and open a dialog. I didn't tell her about the darkness in my soul that rears in ugly head sometimes. Instead I shut up in fear of losing her.

The holidays came and went and while their were bumps in the road I do believe it wasn't a full blown episode. I think there were moments that was depression related, I also believe most of that was two stubborn people trying to force their will on the other, in short we were being hella mean to each other. After the holiday bumps things were good with us, it was indeed a Love Supreme. Or so I thought.

I realized that something was wrong when I started drinking heavily again. That was the first sign. I was trying to dull the pain. I was doing it so hard and heavy (the) Queen commented that "I was drinking irresponsibly". The second sign was that unless I was in the presence of her and our collective sons I generally was not happy. I needed to be with my heirs or her and her sun, preferably both to have a sense of peace. The final sign was my irritability has returned, the minor of things sent me over the edge.

Looking back, I realized that I had not taken my mental health seriously and for a moment I actually forgotten to take care of my illness. This allowed the stress of a dead end job, the difficulty of fixing my credit, the possibility of having a third child by a woman I neither liked nor wanted, an old ex actively trying to disrupt my relationship and the cadre of naysayers to slowly ebb away at the protective hedge I had around me and before I knew it I was depressed although I wouldn't use that word.

I used phrases like "stressed" "tired" and "working to better our relationship". I knew something was wrong and often looked within self to see if I could ascertain the problem. However, my arrogance wouldn't allow me to entertain the notion that I had fallen into a depression, (not now and not with her) brought on by reckless drinking, fucking around with Yohimbe in rude amounts (which I learned brings on panic attacks and anxiety), let me also pause that it was a drug I didn't need and of course stress. I was afraid to try to stress this to my Queen because she is always preaching positivity and happiness and I was honestly afraid that by admitting I was falling into a depression she would leave, like I believed she had done her ex. I am NOT saying she did that or that is what happened, I am merely saying that conversation left me too afraid to probe. So I as humanly possible (and in retrospect not quietly as I thought) I opted to suffer in silence and pray it would pass.

For the most part that plan worked, except when I had said "panic attacks" (see above) and pushed for her to marry me daily we were OK. I had the best Valentine's Day in my life and we were fucking great. Finally, a wedding was in sight and with the woman I had tried for two years to connect with. Problematics aside, Jehovah was blessing my efforts.

However, three things would bring on my depression full swing. First was a request made of me during our first family game night. Again had I been at peak efficiency mentally I assure you I would have shaken the request off, laughed or left. Probably left but there would have been no way I would have allowed it to severely compromise my hull (inner self and shell). The second was learning my zeal was seen by a lot of members in her camp as aggressive, overbearing, and arrogant. For the first time I begin to question my place and role in her life. Again, all normal problems that without the other factors could have been fixed. The final straw, while not brought on by her but I felt it effected her was losing my shitty job. I finally was working and stupid call center shenanigans with hours and such lead to them cutting me. I was hurt because I was trying to fix my credit and move; I needed this lil gig until I took my teachers exam (which I have since passed, yay me), get a teaching gig and further build for my lil family. I also believed a man should help his woman/wife and when I sat at her table unable to help her with her phone bill as I PROMISED, I just melted away. It was hard feeling like a King when I couldn't help; my paranoia from the Nicole era lead me to believe if you don't take care of your woman somebody else will and I just couldn't have that.

But I didn't have the coping mechanisms in place, I had neglected my mental health in a public lie, trying to be brave and act like I didn't have this pack of Black hounds nipping at my heels. I didn't go to my friends for help and again out of some misguided fear I didn't tell (the) Queen. With each day the combination of these factors lead me down a dark path until finally she asked me if I was happy and should we take a break. I knew she was right. I needed to re-center but since I wasn't thinking clearly, since I was now mentally burnt out I thought I was being dumped so she could pursue a happy man and move on. Truth be told, by the time April 4th hit I was an emotional mess. I should have agreed with her assessment and I should have taken my ass to a hospital to heal. But I didn't. I felt going was "weak", nobody would understand and I would lose her for good.

Fucking Ironic right?

Needless to say and if you read some of the links and the Love Supreme series from April and May, you will see that we had a series of further complicated events including one shitty email, several uncomfortable conversations and finally she believing I am a threat to her and some kind of nut. I believe she drew those conclusions because of earlier conversations when I botched talking about my illness and when I refused to be honest even when I was falling fast.

I was afraid to admit to my future(?) wife I was depressed. I needed help. Indeed depression, as John Head wrote in his book on depression and Black men "complications relationships." What would have happened had I been completely honest? Would she had stayed? Would we be healing now together? Would I be up all night lonely, crying and missing both my woman, lover and friend? I don't know.

For the longest time I thought the break up brought on the depression but now I see that it was there already, it had come back. Losing her just removed the barriers and locks I had to keep it in check. I now see it was the final gust of wind to a fragile deck of cards.

So now, I struggle with the lost of a loved one, openly grieving trying to find a place of healing to get over this, but considering that neither of us had all the details, all of the truth and definitely didn't treat each other so unfairly I cant move forward because I believe we ended prematurely.

I don't know if as K Jon sung "if this world is really round then hopefully my ship will come around". I don't know if she even thinks about me, I would like to assume I am on her mind as much as she is on mine. What I do know is in spite of it all I want her to be happy and smile. I do.

I'm pontificating to much and if I keep writing I'll mess up my final entry. I do know today, missing her is a cause of major sadness and I'll never be able to tell her (at least right now) what really happened and how sorry I am for not taking care of myself, if not for her but for the boys. I simply just fell down.

Indeed depression can if let unchecked overcome Black love. Perhaps we'll all learn from this and emerge stronger.

I hope.

But tonight I'm going to listen to some old R&B and remember how I had true Black Love and how my depression cost me that love...

and I will cry freely.

Until the next entry

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-18-2009
4:04am

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.1: An Introduction

There are many factors to consider when discussing depression in the Black Community:

• First, because of the racism in psychology and non profit there is not a lot of work done on the Black mind, as it relates to mental health, society and our stations
• Second, how the concept of mental health is treated against cultural norms, IE the church and how one address problems
• Third, the stigma of admitting one has mental health issues and how it impacts the best and worst of us in the Black Community.

Before I start this discussion let me first be open and honest: I suffer from clinical depression. So not only is this an academic piece, it is a personal one, written by a man who is currently in the middle of a major depression and struggling with answers. I understand that by opening saying that to the general public in particular and the Black Community in specific I am going to be subject to extreme judgments, ridicule, fear, banishment and anything else we can think of.

So why then openly talk about it? Well I honestly have learned during the Love Supreme Crisis that the Black Community does not understand depression. This was evident how my network responded: at best I was told to pray it away, at worst clowned. It was even more evident in how (the) queen looked(s) at me; she really believes me to be some kind of monster hell bent on making her unhappy and hell bent on spreading sadness. Neither of these paradigms are true. To be concise, a majority of our people depression honestly believe that depression is caused by one of three things: A lack of FAITH, low self-esteem and/or a lack of toughness. Depression as seen in the Black community is nothing more than the blues, part of our lot in life, side effects of our racial oppression and really needs to be taken in stride and with that one "has to keep their head up."

I understand that. Again, in my own personal context, depression has been oft times dismissed as a quirk, something to set me up for jokes later, and really nothing more than "T" being weak. Even now at a time where I truly need spiritual and emotional uplifting I am surrounded, like Job, by a series of "troublesome comforters"; men and women who offer their opinion regardless of the facts laid out before them. In their eyes all of this "depression" is over a woman, I need to move on and suck it up. I'll admit this was the final straw in a series of unfortunate events, the knockout blow to a wobbly boxer. I also think it is the focus because it is the most public of my trials; matters of the heart always garners attention.

However do not be mislead; losing (the) Queen was a major painful event, but by no means it is the only event. That is one of the reasons I am undertaking this task. I want people to understand this isn't some love sick moment. This shit was coming on before April 4th. I want people to see that depression isn't something you wish away, pray away or ignore. It is serious like cancer or heart disease and must be tackled openly. It is my hope that my that talking about it from the in the moment perspective will change some ideas on depression in Black men and help you all help us and not turn away.

There is one other reason, and perhaps the most important reason I am writing this series: I want it to be my living testament, my account of the Love Supreme removed from the emotions of the earlier blogs, but no less honest and candid. I did not properly document my journey before, during and after "The Long Night". I regret that. But now, this current crisis which I am putting under the "Love Supreme" banner has surpassed that in sadness and despair. Even as I write this I feel alone, empty and very sad. There are days I want to put a gun in my mouth and do it, and there are days I want to keep fighting. There are days when I think about my life and get so sad, I weep bitterly and there are days when I try to find the good things, like my sons about my life.

My sons are the ultimate reason behind this series, because should I fall I know that I will be vilified and branded. I want something written in real time by me to show that I was neither weak nor selfish; I was just a man who lost a lot of friends, a loved one and in the process died emotionally. I want them to know that I fought until the final bell and that I would never ever have quit on them unless there was no more fight. So this is, should the worse happen, my written testament to CJ and Debo. Of course, I'm not aspiring for the worst.

Let me reiterate: I also write because I hope my words can touch someone else in need. I know about this isolation, I know about this darkness. We are apart of a rich culture, being African Americans yet in that culture is a lot of ignorance. Mental Health challenges often are scorned as I said before and even admitting to them violates two major Black Tenets: Keep praying and suffer in silence.

There isn't a lot of help for us, but yet the signs are all in our community. To the "happy" people in our community, we're just low self esteem having, non positive, evil weirdos who deserve to be locked in a corner. Depression is the antithesis of Black Manhood and Blackness, we're not supposed to be phased.

But we are phased deeply. We're not monsters or killers. We ain't gonna hurt nobody (if I had a dime for every time I've heard that in regards to my depression or any other man's depression I'd buy a sports team) in fact is scientifically proven we're more likely to harm ourselves than anybody else. We are simple men who just stay sad longer, hurt longer and work harder navigating the mine field of life.

I sound like an after school special. I just know that clinical depression is real and I think for those of you who are open minded will appreciate this journey and come away with something rich and helpful....

I am also aware that there are those who continue to see me as a villain, a crazed weak man. I cant worry about that audience.

One final thought: This blog has been in the works for some time, and each time I've tried as much as I could to remove more and more self serving emotions. This IS NOT an attempt to sway or convince anybody, it is not about her. I am not trying to cast blame or make people feel sorry for me. I am only trying to educate.

Enjoy the next few blogs. There are my stories. This is my confession, walk with me on this journey.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

6-17-2009

11:30am

You Do Know God Hates A Coward Right?

" I knew you were a punk you will not publish that comment cause it is the truth you aint got nothing but you ridin people bout what they did not supply you. you gone 50 with nuttin so how those tire tracks feel " ~ Author Unknown (however judging by the venom spit it is someone who is truly scorned by me)

This is just one of the daily non snarky comments that grace my blog and sadly at times graces the blog of (the)Queen. At first I took them as annoying blips by women who were hurt, but now I'm kinda feeling sorry for the pour soul. Why? Well as emotional as Straight, No Chaser has been the past four months, by no means has it been a testament to "sadness". In fact I talk about my love for my sons and my God. I talk about my hopes and dreams of the future and yes since it is a traumatic experience losing the woman I wanted to marry I wax on about that too. But what I don't do and will never do is spit venom at her. I know at times a lot of my blogs seem like I'm taking shots; I'm not. I'm working through "the ways of the nation", trying to re-center myself and find a solution to a complex problem and if I'm lucky recenter myself and reclaim my soul mate.....when I am ready. While not materially rich, I am rich in other ways a fact, even at my lowest, I have never for gotten. More importantly, even if I dont have "anything" now as you claim, I do have something you'll never have: memories of a great relationship (albeit complicated) and a sense of peace. How ya like them Apples?


No, I'm not a punk however I do believe I've dedicated far too much energy to people who leave snarky, smart mouthed comments on BOTH our blogs, yet have no courage or heart to sign them. Seriously, if you have all this insight into me, she, or whatever sign your name. Open a dialogue. Don't hide.
I have been many things in my stellar career. I have had set backs and fear. I have not acted out of uncertainty. But the one thing I have never been is a coward. I don't honor them. I don't listen to them and honestly I think Jah's words on cowards can be found at 2 Timothy 1:7 and Revelations 21:8.


So no I am no longer posting anonymous comments from fake profiles or no names. You got something to say, then speak on it. Sign your name and let's dialogue. Stop vandalizing her blog. YOUR WORDS HAVE NO IMPACT ON WHATEVER THE DYNAMIC WAS OR WILL BE. Your simply a bitter person who just need to work that out.

Even with all the sadness and depression and struggles I can say the one emotion I've never had is bitterness. If she has moved on, if I never see her again I shant vandalize her blog, I shant harass her on email or twitter and I shant hate. I SHALL in the words of Destiny's Child "wish(ing) her to be bless, no stress and LOTS of happiness.

Perhaps you should do that too....

Now...dust those tracks off your back, pick yourself up and move forward. I am trying to earnestly through Jehovah, therapy, prayer and supplication. I suggest you do the same..because love laying there is just not sexy...or helping either of us.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-07-2009
1:38pm

On Healing....

Nothing counters the effects of Black Heroin withdrawals like pure vodka. Wait, or was nothing intensifies the withdrawals like pure vodka? Ah fuck it. Too late now.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-05-2009
11:00pm

In Memorium

John 5:28-29: Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

Rest In Peace Granddaddy

Ernest Shadrick
July 5, 1908-June 3, 2oo9s

I hope we all can have a long, healthy productive life like yours.

See you in the Morning,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-03-2009
11:45pm

"Sign Your Name Across My Heart" or "She WAS Right, You ARE A Loser!"

Here we gooooooo again.....

wow your former hit is on twitter talking to sluts about eating random pussy...hmmm you thought you knew him...he not for real bout getting close to Gog... good thing you didnt take him back when he was talking bout including yall Jah in the relationship....if you knew his history you know he is a cheater and will do anything....another note...he wasnt completly honest about his life...he got more secrets good for you you didnt let him suck you in....

Outside of the silliness of the post I'd like to point out that "Gog" is the devil, Satan and his role of Gog of Magog wont come until Armageddon. I am trying to get close to GOD namely Jehovah.

OK moving on.....

Snarky Mofo reading this you think she bitter enough? For real. I mean really? Wow. I swear this sounds like a rant of General Yan, but I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

Always a cheater? Well didn't cheat on Nickia or (the) Queen so "always" has been rendered invalid and by extension your credibility.

The idiot even left it on the wrong blog. Serious Ms. J you see this? Ishamariablanca? you see this?

I hate cowards. I really do. While I don't mind "fear" and even come to appreciate it, I do mind however cowards, cowardice and other variations of the word.

I also am annoyed you attacking my God; which shows that really is a bitch move. Generally speaking "God" is an off limits subject.

Why? Simply because while fear is an acceptable human emotion cowardice is not. Hell even Jah hates a coward.

Cowards never come forward instead striking from the dark, never looking their enemy in the eye, never bringing their skills to the fore. Instead because of their inherent weakness they try to gain the upper hand by a low level brand of subterfuge.

Why am I writing on this? Simply because anonymous posters to a blog are kinda whack. I mean OK some of my friends use it when they want to offer a critique but don't want to make it public. Ishamariablanca and even (the)Queen used to do this. I am not talking bout them. I am talking about the salt throwers who hit up my blog, say all this rude shit and cant even sign your name.

I mean let's look at this from a tactical standpoint. I am emotionally and mentally spent. I am physically tired. Why hide? You don't think you can gain the upper hand?

Its really dishonorable.

I guess what's really crazy is that you leave comments for her on my page and comments for me on her page. Are you that slow? Really? For real.

In my line of work, I was trained to confront an enemy and look them in the eye; to speak truth to power and then do what I had to do. Not speak like a coward from the audience.

Again, I don't see a man doing this; if he were an ex of hers or an enemy of mine he wouldn't really spend time shitting on me he would probably be making his move towards her. So that means you're one of the ones who feel I wronged you, and clowned you. Tragic. It is.

I really am sorry you bitter like that. I am. I'm getting therapy now to control my demons. I suggest you do the same.

Here is the sad part (and I know referencing her blog is in violation of treaty, I apologize, but I need it to prove a point) : she was written a least three times how your words, whoever you are have no impact because you don't sign your name, you don't know our entire situation (whatever that may be) and it really is lame to cyber stalk.

At this point that's what you are doing, be it the one or the many.

As much I crave this woman, the one thing I don't do is cyber stalk. Yeah I've drunk dialed and yes a couple of blogs have been self serving but I ain't googling her name, hiding in twitter updates and sending "you don't know me but I know you" notes made of newspaper letters. I damn sure ain't leaving anonymous notes on her blog. That is just gay.

Its ironic in your attempt to "out" me, you left out the previous twitter updates where I talk about missing my friend, where I talk about needing Black Heroin, and the banter between me and BFL telling me to shut up.

Its ironic you miss the banter between me and Bionce Foxx with me trying to get free tickets.

It's ironic you left out my "slut" friend part talking bout her man. Or us laughing at how Harold's isn't that good or how the messed up the song.

You speak of secrets I assure you there has never been secrets between she and I. And we when are our friendship is healed any new information will be revealed. But again and I know her she ain't gonna accept your info, even if you state your name. Your honor is blown.

But the biggest annoyance is this: Since the love supreme crisis (also know as the love lock down weekend) Queen doesn't really talk about our problems in her blog. In fact I'm the one who (against her wishes) poured my soul into my blog. So why take that negativity to her page? I really don't care if you leave it on mine. Sometimes I'll respond, sometimes I don't but why bother her?

As she wrote before you had no impact on our evolution or problems. What happened to us was a due to a number a factors; on my end is was insensitivity on a special day, arrogance, and basically "acting" crazy. Your clues and notes had bout as much impact as two dollars of gas in an empty navigator tank.

So look, for real if you got beef don't hide. Speak on it. You might actually win. Don't be a coward.

Oh by the way, let me share something I learned: when you do what you did it might have unexpected consequences. Rethink your strategy.

And I'm continue to have fun on twitter with my peoples...and gone keep trying to get Bionce Foxx to give me concert tickets.

Now if you'll excuse me I got some mediation's to do.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT

A Small Note On Beliefs, Dedication and Determination

Good Morning Blogspot and Snarky Mofos reading this!

Just wanted to drop a quick note for my allies who think I'm crazy and my critics who think I've become weak.......

"Goddammit, Morpheus. Not everyone believes what you believe." ~Locke, The Matrix: Reloaded.

"My beliefs do not require them to." ~Morpheus, The Matrix: Reloaded.

Enjoy your day

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-01-2009
9:00am