Aren't You Tired Of Being Wrong?

Afternoon Snarky Mofo Reading this!

So it's (I'm having)a great day out, watching the kids play at Hollywood Park and being silly. I am even smiling at the occassional sight of "nice jeans" here. Yet, I am still having withdrawals symptoms and chest pains. So now that "the get out, look at other women and do stuff theory" has been DISPROVEN, may I please have the next round of pointless suggestion for healing from you snarky mofos reading this out there?

No? Good. Thank you. Going on with my day now.
(Gotta love blogging from the Blackberry.)

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-30-2009
4:52pm

P.S.
It is also a LOT of ugly women here too...so many perms.

"Reflections, Retirement and Star Trek" OR "A Creative Way To Admit It's Time For A Mental Health Break."

*Author's Note: In celebration of my renewed love for the Star Trek Franchise, I am going to be using a lot of analogies from the Star Trek universe. Where possible I will include a link to make it a little more digestible. ~TLT*

" A commanding officer must relieve himself of command if the mission at hand leaves them emotionally compromised. "
~Starfleet Regulation 619

I am officially burned out. I realized this as I sat in the Hall last night, trying to gain control of my rolling emotions, struggling to digest the spiritual food I was being given. I was able to take in some information, I was able to give thanks to Jehovah for another day, but honestly may head and heart was in turbulence. Actually, this realization came earlier in the day, when I was talking with a friend and she said something to me and I got so upset the only thing I could do was cry. It is a known fact I don't cry openly and for me to respond that was not in my character.

I also became concerned when my anger returned. As I stated before anger is the FIRST stage of grief, and a week or so ago I was in between the forth and fifth stage, so for me to return right back to square one is clearly proof positive that I need to take a step back and heal.

Heal. Man I've been trying to do that for about 4 years now, since I lost all of my crew and ship of the Constitution Class USS Envoy back in 2005. I should have taken time off then. But in order to prove myself ready I took another command, over the Space Station Carson in the western sector. But the staff and I just didn't meld and I was transferred out.

I spent the next two years at Starfleet Academy as instructor, passing up one command post after another until I met a fine officer named Yan. Although other instructors called her arrogant, untrustworthy and reckless, I saw great promise in her. I felt she had to be the stuff legends were made of. Somehow, to this day I'm not sure, she convinced me to get back in the captain's chair. So when I finally agreed to take command off the Defiant class ship USS Joniyah, I made her my first officer. Inititally I was skeptical about serving on a ship that functioned only a warship, the lack of diversity irked me but still the call of battle lured me back. However, my colleagues critique of First Officer Yan provided correct, she was abrasive, prone to disobey orders, and overly ambitious. Yet for all these flaws, she was one of the best first officers in Starfleet so I kept her on. This would prove to be fatal at the Battle of OH, where the her disobeying a direct order would cause us to lose the ship to the Kenborg; we had to auto destruct. This got her suspended from Starfleet and got me a nice dressing down in my file after an inquiry.

For the next couple of months, I considered resigning my commission and taking time off to mentally recharge. I had come pretty close to doing so when an offer came up that I could not refuse. The newest and best ship in the Federation had finally been finished and was in need of a Captain and command crew. After a serious of fortunate events I was offer command of the Sovereign class USS Zassfrana. I immediately jumped at the chance. This command would for a time resurrect my career and renew my energy.

The problem though was that Starfleet wasn't quite ready for a cowboy Captain and wanted me to take it slow. I was ready to take the ship to warp 9 but again I was asked until all parties were tested and ready to go slow. My constant rushing and putting the ship into what Starfleet considered dangerous situations only strained my command more. Finally, after disobeying direct orders and engaging a hostile force at the Back of the yards summits, I was relieved of Command. That shit hurt to lose the best ship in the fleet. I was asked to take a few months off an return to duty, but instead..I only made things worse. Finally it was suggested that I take a medical leave according to regulation 619. I think its time.

I haven't done that in a while, creatively write. But as fun as that exercise was in, it does state a truth. Its time for me to walk away, seriously for a while and heal. For the past 60 days, I have been emotionally compromised, trying to find a solution to a new and life shaking problem, opening my heart and my mind in an effort make something work, and trying to maintain my energy and strength as a father of two beautiful sons. In spite of migraines, chest pains, depression and other maladies I kept pressing forward, I've ignored these problems for years and even after Jehovah told me to sit my arse down I kept defying him until finally succumb to my injuries. Let me be even more frank, I should have walked my ass into a hospital a month ago, but fear of appearing weak, fear of losing, not wanting to leave my sons behind with no help forced me to keep going. I knew my tank was on empty that Friday before the love lock down weekend, but I lacked the words to tell her, I felt it would run her away. I felt that my sons mother would feel abandoned by me or rather I was shirking duties; she lost both parents in 2008 and kept on going. Here I was needed to fold over a situation most people feel isn't important.

But the fact of the matter is this, and a few others are very important to me. Although she often forgets it, I was stung by Wei Yan this summer, maybe not to THIS degree but still I was upset at her dealing with Ken. Truth is when I care, I care and there is nothing I cant do about it. If not caring is part of the definition of being a true man in this era then I respectful decline the label of true man and reject the included definition. Even now I'm not sure what stops me from walking into EMHC for two or three weeks and healing, perhaps its pride, perhaps I want to truly try to learn about Jehovah's restorative powers. I just know today my grief has reset itself at one. I am no longer ashamed of this, and no longer will run from it despite cries from my "people" that I am a "pussy", "weak", "irritanting", "whinnying" or no "longer a man." Its funny from a community that professes Christian faith and love they seem to forget the counsel found at 2 Timothy 3:1 which states: "But know this, in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here." This is apart of the system of things. Hell even Jesus gives me permission to mourn in laying out the 9 happinesses in Matthew 5:1-11. In verse 4 Jesus states "Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted." I need to heal. Seriously. The warning of Nickjack came true: the patchwork healing wasn't going to last because in a face of a serious crisis, which a Love Supreme was, I would break.

So I'm doing what any true man will do. I'm counting my loses and accepting I cant answer the bell no more. I pray, dearly, that my friends and family understand. But if I never heal, my sons wont ever be properly trained.

I want to state for the record, that no matter what happens I don't hold anybody responsible. My mental health is my responsibility and while there were factors, while I do believe people could have been more considerate it is my responsibility.

Today, I'm going to call EMHC and take that mental break and deal with the fall out later. Perhaps one day, when I'm fully restored with the combination of secular and spiritual healing I will be whole again. But today..these rolling emotions show me the truth. Its time to retire.


*Lays Captain's rank on the desk*

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
5-27-2009
1:21pm

Checking In

What's up Snarky Mofo reading this? Nothing much on this end other than I decided to take few days off from writing just to clear my head, gain control of the rolling emotions (which this week is hovering between anger and angst) or at the very least work through them and continue my wonderful walk towards Jehovah.

The storm itself has passed, and while there are still the occasional Grey skies and rain (argh I hate the rain. Mother nature is a rude beeyoch) things aren't that bad and is kinda looking up. Two interviews, teaching possibilities and of course the love of snarky preteen and wild child make it good times, in spite of.

I also believe that I have found the final elements in what caused that perfect Storm which was "A Love Supreme": interpretations and a lack of a higher moral compass. I will go into that in a later piece when my thoughts are a bit clearer.

OK this piece is getting longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line from the Blackberry while stuck in traffic and say PEACE, LOVE and SOOOOOUUUULLLLL.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-28-2009
4:01pm

Mirror, Mirror

"Jim, I just watched my planet get destroyed.
I am emotionally compromised."
~ Old Spock to Kirk regarding his alternate self.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" ~Malcolm X

"We will never surrender." ~Winston Churchill

Part of the difficulties I am having during the "Love Supreme" crisis is my inability to make accurate command decisions or tactical maneuvers. In large part, I have become emotionally compromised and thus often created more problems than I am able to resolve because this emotional compromise often made me have conflicting, fluctuating policies. In an emotional moment I would agree to "A", then a day or so later removed my intellect and honor code would kick in and I would have to reverse that policy or agreement to "B". Or I would say "no" only to realize the logical answer would have been to say "yes".

Needless to say this gives the appearance of total instability and makes it hard to honor what you say or take serious your word. Once this happen you've effectively lost the ability to command....the situation, respect, or anything else. I'll explain this further a bit later in another blog.

But this morning's topic isn't about so much policy reversals as it is about knowing when as, Kenny Rogers so eloquently sung "knowing when to fold them"; it is about in the wisdom found in "The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China" to retreat when necessary for survival. What was about me that when faced with what is clearly going to be a Kobayashi Muru situation, I refuse to fall back. It's not just my love life that I've done this, it has also occurred in my academic career (as evident by lower grades from insulted professors) my professional career (as indicated by the zillion write ups and occasional shit canning), and was present in my earlier aborted walk to Jehovah (as evidenced by my rebellious nature hindering my advancement). In simpler terms, what is it about me that once I believe I have the moral high ground, I lose the ability to "shut the fuck up" and will continue with my "struggle"? What is it about me where I'd win the argument but lose the war. Why do I need to be heard, even when being heard may not be the best policy course. I struggled with understanding; as water seeks its own level, I knew there would be at least two people in my life who shared this same virtue or flaw.

One was my mother. She doesn't know WHEN to shut up. She is going to prove her point and be right even if it means she's the only one in the room once she's done. I asked her why, and she admitted freely this could be seen as a character flaw. But she also, as I expected, stated that her dedication to Jehovah was as such that she had to speak truth to power, like Jesus did; as one of his follower's she couldn't hide from the her responsibility to be as truthful as humanly possible and not pull punches, esp among friends and family. She reasoned if you can't speak honestly to your loved ones then who can you be honest with? Fair enough. But mom's reason isn't exactly mine, I'm nowhere the spiritual creature she is. So I searched again and then I found the one person who's skill set mirrored mine, whose temperament mirrored mine, and who in the face of obvious defeat fought tooth and nail to be heard, even if it meant losing it all.

I needed to talk to Ret. Gen. Wei Yan.

I invited her to the park to sit and talk with me. We've had a fragile peace since I found out she wasn't the blog vandal and her alibis regarding some other actions checked out. I still consider her a great friend and at one time she was the best solider on the team. However, our relationship is strained, there is an aura of distrust and anger; condescension and arrogance. But even through all of this, she does have an excellent handle on my thought process and if I thought she wouldn't kill me at the first chance I'd actually have her as my number one. She is my mirror image.


As she walked to the bench we exchanged smiles and sat down. I had been reading my Watchtower and she wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to convert her. Once I assured her it wasn't I asked her a simple and direct question:

"General, why do we fight?"

She sat there and laughed. "We fight because we're right. We fight for what we believe in. We fight because not to fight is cowardice and we aren't cowards. We may lose, but we can sleep well knowing that we gave as good as we got, we didn't walk away or run. We stood our ground. "

I sat there taking it all in. It made sense. So I asked "Does that apply to love?" General made a face that can only be described as "what the fuck" and said "It definitely applies to that. I realize that I wont be your woman, but I fought the good fight and I'm at peace. We're friends, good friends even if you wont admit it. I fought for what I believed in and I'm OK with that."

"But now you're in my shoes. You have to decide for yourself if this fight has been worth it. My fight was. I can't advise you on this. Conflict of interest. Just remember Prime Minister that sometimes its a matter of Principle. It's the principle we stand on. You used to stand out because you had that honor code, you stood on principle, you didn't betray your beliefs for a greater good. But sadly you've allowed this situation and your beloved BFL to make you forget that. I know it got tiresome being the only one standing, the only one fighting but that made you sexy. That made you different from all these niggaz out here. You used to be THE man and A man."

I sat back. "That's ego talking General, because you lost." She smirked and retorted "According to my Intel so have you. Now who's operating on ego?" I smiled. She's a snarky mofo indeed. "Of course you're going to second guess me. You never approved of me and Queen. You never knelled before the throne." She leaned forward and said "No, you've spent the past two months second guessing yourself. Outside of my intel I read your well written, snarky blogs. And I no, I wont kneel EVER. It's the principle of the matter. I assure you, if or when she gets her a new boo you wont kneel either PM. " She laughed. "It's good we're having this convo. It means you're thinking again. I'm glad you're almost back to your old self. I wish I could say good luck. I'll just say be careful. "

She got up to walk away. I walked her to her apt and we shared a few laughs and ate some Mexican corn. I told my mirror image that she IS a good friend and I appreciated her talking to me. (Forgiveness is truly a Christan concept and liberating. I'll remember that.) As we hugged she whispered something I used to live by, but somehow forgotten:

"Terrance, there IS NO greater weapon than a prepared mind. Then she stepped back and added or spirit. See ya in the funny papers."

As I walked home, thinking clearer, less emotion and more intellect I begin to critically analyze the past two months, each time removing more and more emotion. Thabiti, my friend was correct the other day....it does get clearer with each passing day.

Who would have thought all I had to do was look in the mirror.

I didn't.

I gotta start my morning walk.

Enjoy the day blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-25-2009
5:28am

The Weekend Update...and its ONLY Sunday.

Quick hits:

Doing the damn thing..........

Despite not being able (or rather unwilling) to focus and study, I managed to pass my basic skills exam which enables me to now pursue in earnest teaching opportunities. I am excited about this recent development in my life as I have longed to teach but was both too lazy and afraid to get off my arse and make it so. Heh. Can you imagine me molding young minds?

I can too.

Celebrations........

Much love to my familia BFL09 for the celebration last night. What started as a game night ended up being a party throw in my favor and even some old school mofos came through and made it special. Despite the difficulties that was April and the "Love Supreme" crisis, you all have shown the true meaning of friendships and even when I made it hard stood by me. Again I love you all so much.

Diamonds.are.forever...and so is my BFL.

Spiritual Progress........

My walk to Jehovah is going smoothly, must different than before. I am (trying to) inculcate (Det 6:4-9) the lessons, I keep on knocking and seeking (Mat 7:7) because more than anything else this is the most important journey I've gone on. All things being equal I should be baptised by the fall or at the latest by years end. I truly await this new chapter in my life.

A Lil Short.....

After three weeks I deep sixed my cleanse. While I am going to continue the colon cleansing aspect, the no drinking/eating only fish went straight out the window in large part thanks to the aforementioned celebration we had last night and in large part to my alcoholic gene. In spite coming up almost three weeks short I am proud that I managed to complete the time I did, as I was often chastised for not having given up anything...well never mind. I did well. Good job TLT.

Captain, there is another Bird of Prey de-cloaking off starboard.....

Just when I thought I whupped one challenge I learn something new and find out a truth that is gonna shake up some shit. While I am not ready to reveal this yet, all I can say is I need to make sure I'm at peak efficiency because this sumabitch I'm drop will not be for the weak. Enough of that...

~Fin

All right blogspot and snarky mofo reading this, I need to get ready for the Hall, shake off the lingering effects of a night full of Black Russians and ready my sons for fahter-son activities.

Enjoy your day and the sun...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-24-2009
10:31am

Another Simple Truth...But then again isnt the truth always so simple?

A beautiful song I took time to truly listened to for the first time.....

When It Hurts ~Avant.

Can you take me telling you the truth
When I know the situation is shadiest
But my girl, will you...
Believe when I say I knew that you be tripping

So I slept out in my ride in the driveway
So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
Imma need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love me when it hurts

I don't wanna blend in
With every other relationship that be falling in and out girl (Not us)
I knew that I tripped
Cause every time we argued
I think about having someone on the side girl

So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
I'm a need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
You gotta love me when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There'll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain't feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having's worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I'm in this thing
I mean really in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
I wanna change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
Cause the only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts (When it hurts)

When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
Girl when it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Will you love me when it hurts

Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
5-21-2009
9:49pm

Teach Me Cause I'm SOOOOOO Confused Right Now.

"But know this, in the last days
critical times hard to deal with will be here"
~ 2 Timothy 3:1

I've often wondered if I am a man outside of time, out of place. I've felt that way for a long time. I believe I first encountered this feeling around 2004, when I attended a better yourself workshop. I listened as, well at least my POV, all the keys to living a "happy" life revolved around pissing on people. DO you. Make you happy. Etc. Immediately, being the over analytical snarky mofo I raised my hand and asked "What happens if doing you hurts the community. I mean a crack head is doing what makes him happy when he robs your mama, should that be allowed." I remember the presenter hee hawing about for an answer and dismissing me as thinking too much.

I've wrestled with that notion for sometime, because I have seen and admittedly done shit that made me happy at the expense of the the community and other people. I am told to do me. I don't know.

I'm at a cross roads because I've learned that the qualities I thought made me a fine man: compassion, loyalty, honor, dignity, adherence to order and rules, loving and giving nature in fact where seen as weakness and seen as "suffocating","insecurities", "possessiveness".

This realization utterly messes with one's...man I don't even have the words. I thought that was wanted desired in a King, in a Teacher, Head, etc. To learn that those things are weird and one needs to be carefree, not give a fuck, or whatever this new post modern shit is utterly dishearting. Honestly, its shit like this that makes you stab yourself and commit seppiko me really question my dedication to the concept of Black love and wonder if I should just go straight into the ministry. I do remember a scripture by the Apostle Paul advocating we stay single and dedicate our lives to Jah in 1 Cor 7:27-34. Everyday that counsel seems more and more logical, given my qualities as a man, and the reality I'm facing in Black love. (Of course being the sex addict I am, I have no early clue as to how I could survive sans sex and not fornicate which would make the whole serving Jehovah right concept go out the window.)

All I know is in the beginning I was told "I need A, B, and C." I looked at my skill set and said "Hey I can provide A, B, C, as well as D, E, and F." I did that and now I am being made out as some kind of weak man, a villain for loving someone. That fucking hurts. Like hell. OK..I can be the villain I'll admit that. But weak? No. Pussy whupped? Debatable. Crazy? Most assuredly not.....yet.

Also in the interest of fairness perhaps it isn't the qualities but my implementation of those qualities. I might not be doing it right. But I mean how do you love? Nurture? Show admiration? Is there a text book? A cool way to do it? I'm utterly fucking confused. I really am. Musiq's song "Teach Me" comes to mind:

I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till you tired (yeah) got to provide (yeah)
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me

I just don't know snarky mofo reading this. What am I doing wrong? How can loving someone be wrong?

It has got to be implementation. But as I said how do you implement love?

It's crushing to know you gave your best and then it wasn't good enough. It's crushing to know the qualities you believe are lacking in the community are seen in such a negative light.

I refuse to believe this is the truth. I cannot. It has to be implementation. But I don't know how to implement.

Teach me Jah. Please do because I'm not understanding and lack of understanding mixed with grief can put a man's mind in a horrible place. I am questioning myself and my worth. Irony. Fucking irony. This is so familiar. I've seen this before but cant place it where. I didn't live it but I've seen it. I'd settle for the crying to come back over this feeling I swear.

This one is gonna fuck with me all day. ALL day.

I'm go try to enjoy the sun and forget.

Enjoy the day blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-20-2009
9:25am

"A New Creature?" or "Mr.Spock does feel emotions" or "I am not crazy you Black mutha..."

"You might win some but you just lost one" ~Lauryn Hill

It's called the 7 stages of grief. In the past six or seven weeks I've gone through about 5-6 of them. Right now I am somewhere between the upturn and reconstruction. I figure by July I'll have hit acceptance. Still, that doesn't stop me from accepting a few truths a little early.

"Grief". It's amazing I use that word. I think I've used it only two or three times in my like. This is grief I believe, but I am not sure. I just know its not A heartbreak and definitely not some depression. Perhaps the realization about 4:00am helped me to this stage. The realization that on this one I lost.

I lost. It ALMOST feels good to admit that. But I lost. There was nothing that could have saved me expect being something that I was not ready to be. I honestly was so worried about the end game that I brought on the end game.

I was so excited about finally being in the big dance I forgot to dance. I accept that. This am when insomnia took over last night and I'm working on finding strength for today, I have accepted that I fucked my own self up. There is a certain peace in raising your hand and taking the foul.

I am not saying she was innocent. Pffft. Far from it. She mishandled some shit to. But we aint talking bout her. We talking bout me and I am saying that I had control over how I responded. I am saying that I know there is no GREATER weapon than a prepared mind and while my mind was "prepared" my ego and self esteem were not.

I feared losing that which I love, and in the process became very arrogant. I turned on my friends, my allies and to some extent her. It's almost ironic, because I did the very thing I often chastised W.Y. over. That is probably why I chastised her, I saw her responses and knew to a large degree I was capable of doing some of the things she did SANS the murder and chaos.

I should not have rushed to be king. Being the Prime Minister, being the teacher was so much easier, so much simpler. Yet, I saw the security in being King, I took the throne but unlike Solomon I didn't ask for wisdom.

I am stating this because I need to purge my emotions and slow down on keeping account of the evil done. I've been up since 1 am and I decided to read my blogs, just well for no good reason I suppose. Indeed, while therapeutic as fuck, it has violated the basic principles found in 1 Cor 13:4. It has kept account of the evil(s) done, and it really has become a testimony to pain. I welcome that too as if my travels (assuming more than two people read this joint) can help somebody else keep their friends and loved ones then I have served my task well.

But as for me, as I walk towards Jehovah, my God I need to let go. I need to accept that I blew it. I got myself fired and that's that. No matter how capable of putting on a five star match I am, I gotta pass the wellness test.

I need to accept I lost a woman, a lover and most importantly a friend. It is a loss I will never get over, it is a loss that hurts to the bone, but it is a loss I cant lament any more.

But snarky mofo reading this, even as the depression and sadness pass, how does one defeat the longing. As I stated earlier, I WISH this was a heartbreak, I wish this was drama because then I'd know how to combat it. I understand it. This creature before me, and the emotional compromising web that entangles me, is something new. Not misery, not darkness, but still suffocating.

Honestly, I just may be the only one lamenting. In many ways that makes me the weak one; it always has because I spend time brooding, while the other parties move on. I envy people like that because I know in this life there are regrets. You can be miss. '

You can lose. In April I lost it all.

I lost her. I lost my self respect. I lost for a brief moment my sanity. I almost lost my life the way my chest felt. I lost.

Even finally typing that brings me to a place of peace and harmony. When you accept the inevitable, then the only thing you can do is move forward.

Yesterday's talk at the Hall and subsequent discussions were about fantasies and realities I've understand that I fought a losing war. I lost the moment I showed up at her door unannounced. There was nothing I could do.

So as I am up this morning for no good god reason, with two hours of sleep. I can only appreciate the moments in between moments, the memories, the personality additions and the growth. It was a good run. I started to let the kids stay home to take my mind of of the moment.

But even ignoring the moment doesn't negate the truth.

I have lost.

Admitting that is the first part.

Now, with Jah's help I may be able to rebuild, to add on what is missing and try again.

I've been stripped to my barest essentials. What else is there to do?

Well I could start with an early morning walk.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-18-2009
9:30am

Faith, Friendships, and Futures.

"I know there's confusion.
But Jah's gonna see you through yeah.
Peace, AFTER Revolution. But you'll pay tho...."
~ Other Side of the Game

I've always liked the above quote. I always seem to remember it during challenging life defining moments, and the moments in between moments, to let me know that no matter what there will be a positive change, Peace after the Revolution...even if I got pay a little for it.

Peace is a component of freedom and I heard somewhere that freedom isn't free. ;-) In my never ending quest for peace, or at least a permanent peace, I've been forced to pay a few dues.

But the purpose of this blog isnt to wax on about the prices I've paid but rather just to let you snarky mofo reading this that I've been doing ok, each day a little better than before because if nothing else I am a soul survivor and that is what we do.

I've found a certain peace in fatherhood. I can't explain the immense joy I have in being with Snarky Pre-teen and Wild Child. Its funny to see them interact, both possessing my extreme qualities as their main qualities. Its like watching my two sides talk to each other.

The detox (modified) and liquor break seems to help my spirits. Hopefully by the end of this process I will have gone back to my diet of only fish and poultry, with the eventual move to only fish, then vegetarian. I've neglected my diet for some time and I think as embark on everything else I might as well put that in order. My lunch of Caesars Salad, tea and rice affirms this shift.

I am continuing my journey towards Jehovah, and I admit its harder than I expected. My pride, in conjunction with starting this walk with a faith level of like 1.5% makes letting go and letting Jah difficult. I am trying though, and I am well aware of the counsel found at Hebrews 13:7 "...who have spoken the word of God to you, and as you contemplate how [their] conduct turns out imitate [their] faith." In essence I need to be minded on this walk that what I say and how I act will be monitored. As real as my emotions and feelings are, even at their lowest, I cant allow them to not properly reflect a man who is walking towards and will one day be a complete Christian man. I am being watched, esp by my suns and I need to make sure I am at best even when I am not.

I need to also repair the rift I've created with BFL. I was chastised for my cold behavior towards them yesterday by a number of people; the truth is they are working diligently to help me out of the darkness, help me combat this new creature. I can not disrespect a ten plus year relationship by scapegoating them.

Well that's it, I'm going to finish watching Star Trek and enjoy my day. I'll most definitely let all know when my teaching scores arrive..

Pressing forward and answering the bell

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-17-2009
9:07am

Productivity, Rain and Life

No particular topic, just some updates from the past couple of days....

Promises, Made Promises Kept.....

I'm proud of myself snarky mofo reading this. I've managed for about 3 or 4 days to get outside and be productive. In spite of my utmost desire to crawl into the corner and cry I've been able to be productive and get some thangs done. I've earnestly looked for teaching opportunities, started working on my relationship book, and even did a ton of laundry. I realize that the "sadness" and missing her aka "Withdrawals aren't going to go away over night and that while I may have little control over when those feelings strike, I can be a lot more productive and positive in how I respond. In my last official transmission I gave my word I wouldn't fail, my suns, her or myself by letting the darkness overtake me, in fact as I've stated before if I fail or fall, I don't prove my worthiness but instead I prove just how right my critics are(n't).

Them Damn Boys....

The one good thing about all of this is that my eyes are one again totally on the heirs. There is no job to interfere and instead of working to blend, its just us. But as much as they give me love I have to be careful not to recreate the problematic of last year and so immerse myself in them that I become one of those parents who can't function without my boys. As important as they are to me, my happiness has to come first because I am no good to anybody, let alone them, if I am unhappy. So while I am leeching off of their oh so positive life force, I need to be careful not to substitute one "addiction" for another.

I wanna go outside...

So after dropping Snarky Pre-teen and Wild Chile off at school I did something that you might consider crazy: I walked a bit in the rain. Since this shit started I've stayed away from things that remind me of her, us, and shit we used to do and the rain as crazy as it sounds was on of them. Truly the rain was rejuvenating. I've missed it.

But I wont be making that no habit. I got immediately horny then almost had a withdrawal. Friggin irony.

Oh and before I forget....

Thank you to my Brother Thabiti. His guidance, prayer and comforting words have helped me through the past few days and is helping me further along in my spiritual path. I truly wish we had been closer at Fisk but I am thankful for his friendship love and respect now. When I start back drinking the round is on me.

Wait when you start drinking again? You stopped Nigga?

Yes I'm taking a break. Part of the problem with all of what happened is that on top of my depression I had started drinking a bit irresponsibly (her words not mine) and coming from a woman that drunk Maker's Mark straight up I realize was on a path to be a true drunk, complete with bottle and scruffy look. But what brought to the time out point of drinking was a lil stunt on FB that I know had I not been drinking vodka straight up I wouldn't have done.

Along with that is that mind, body and spirit ARE in concert. I can't be walking to Jehovah, killing vodka and putting all kinds of poison in my body. So I'm doing a colon cleanse and detox. I was offered the chance to do it a while ago, but the shitty job I was working wouldn't have understood my bowels are acting up. I gave my word I would embark, and now I'm in the mood for getting my health in order. I'll go back to being a hobo at the rock the bells concern.


Well that's it for now. My tummy is bubbling and its time to uh..clean out more corn I ate last year.


Straight, No Chaser
(or air spray)
TLT
5-13-2009
10:32am

In the middle of the Night.....

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write.....

Heirs to the throne:

I gotta thank Jehovah for my children. I mean they truly inspire me and motivate me. After the Saturday I had, I just wanted to lay in bed and well I wrote how I felt and wont sully this blog with those thoughts. It's amazing that no matter how down I get Snarky Pre Teen and Wild Child are there to pick me up and encourage me. You combine that with the wisdom that is my Queen Mother Tony and it is very had to stay in a dark place. I managed to get out a smile or two, I even managed to eat a bite with my fluctuating appetite. I truly love my suns, my sons, my heirs, my legacy my polar opposites. Sometimes, while asking where would I be if...I need to remind myself that life with them is a never ending blessing. I don't want them to use their young energy to restore me all the time, but I ain't gonna lie days like yesterday was a welcome jolt.

Thanks Guys....


Who Do I write for...

A comment was left on my blog asking if I write for attention or if I write hoping she's reading. Well I guess the answer is in an albeit snarky manner is yes I write for attention and yes I hope she's reading and no I don't write for attention and I hope she's isn't reading.. Confused? I figured you would be. Let me explain. I'm a blogger, so by definition I want people to read what I write, I have what I believe to be insight on the notion and institution of Black love and want to share with all you people who may or may not be reading. But even if nobody does read this or stops reading this blogging is a very therapeutic release for me. 9 times out of 10, I feel a helluva lot better once I finish blogging. In terms of her, well yes I hope she reads. Since we're not speaking and I seem to always say something overly emotional or gay when we talk I think the blog is, as of right now, the best insight into my mind. This blog is an insight in to my heart, mind, conscious and soul. But at the same time its not a propaganda tool, and I'd rather she not read often or any of my other "subjects" because the Hawthorne Effect is real and when you know people are watching you tend to say and do the right thing in order to achieve a goal. Straight, No Chaser is not a political tool, nor a propaganda item. It's my free therapy and I will do whatever to keep it that way. Speaking of her...

She really don't love you, let her go...

I hear this often and honestly I need to stop letting folks tell me that. I am a firm believer that love is not created overnight, nor can it be destroyed. So while we aren't talking, while my imagination is running wild over here on the South Side, I can't honestly say she don't still love a negro to death. This ain't about love but...about...honestly...I ain't figured that part out. I am going to have to be very careful who I accept council from because the last two times I've listened to this hearsay I've gotten in trouble big time (the situation with Nickjack and the situation with W.Y.). Sometimes you gotta follow your gut and my gut tells me......
well never mind that snarky mofo reading this. Now if I can only get my ADD under control long enough to fix...whatever...I don't know it's 3 in the am.

Just get over it...

Another of my recent favorites and it took an old (new) friend to remind me that our spirits and emotions react to things differently. I could be more positive, less dramatic and listen more but these "minor" flaws do not negate the validity of my emotions and anybody who minimizes how I feel and the pain I'm in now really ain't down for me. I'll keep that in mind...

Technology

I FINALLY MASTERING BLOGGING FROM THE BLACKBERRY. It's linked together. So now I can stop using voice recorder and napkins to jot down ideas. Man you gotta love technology.

OK, my cocoa just kicked in. I'm lay it down again.

Nite Blogspot

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-11-2009
3:45am

Happy Mother's Day Sisters

"Women (mothers) will make the Revolution" ~Eldridge Leroy Cleaver

Today is Mother's Day, one of the central holidays in the Black Church and by extension the community (along with Christmas and Easter hence CME denomination), a time when most of the average people decide on this one day to actually eat or talk with their mother, go take up all the good seats at the good restaurants they know they cant' afford and bombard the airwaves with shitty poems and limericks dedicated to their mother. This piece is so NOT for you.

But rather you snarky mofo reading this. YOU actually LOVE your mother. You actually talk to her, listen to her, seek her wisdom and try everything in your power to be a solid offspring. This day, while a "holiday", is really just a regular part of your week when you just gotta deal with a few more folks in church and a lil more crowed restaurant. This blog IS dedicated to you.

YOU have kept close the commandment found at Exodus 20:12, you understand that Mama is the first teacher and usually the last teacher. You understand that outside of Jah himself, the one arm you can go cry on the one person to or talk to is Mama.

YOU understand that Mama is a the primary caregiver. Yeah Dad's get all the "props" for providing and protecting but really have you seen dad try to make a birthday cake or lift a car to save a younging like mama? OK, I've never seen the last part either but I'm certain it happened somewhere.

YOU understand that your relationship with your children will determine how they handle other relationships, you understand that they watch you and will adapt and learn.

Simply YOU understand and appreciate the importance of the Queen Mother.

I know I do. I cried with my mama last night. Damn I love me some Tony.

To those of who whose mama is awaiting resurrection, this is for YOU as well, because I know when she was here, you held her down, loved her, even when yall fought. She lives on through you and will do so until time immortal.

And of course to the Single Black Mother's, the new age mothers, the ones who endure, the ones Fantasia sung about...the baby mamas. Thank you. Thank you for doing it when we did not, could not or didn't know how. I've always argued father's get a learning curve. Yall do not.

Thank you for enduring months of bullshit child support payments or no payments. Thank you for not clowning the botched birthdays, missed doctors appointments, and school musicals.

Thank you for remaining friends even after the romantic notion died. I know that as evil as my Baby mama can be, she's been a friggin rock for me during this time. I envy and appreciate this bootleg Mrs. Spock, because in the face of losing BOTH parents in 2008 she didn't bat an eye nor share a tear with the world. She held strong, cried her tears in private and kept it moving. It is a lesson both I and our suns could use. OK just me and Centrell. Debo is a vulcan too.

Thank you for letting us grow.

Thank you for being mother and father.

So on this day, as you push past the CME crowd, as you endure loud ignant banter from the table behind you, simply slide your mama a wink, tell her you love her and continue on. This day is nothing special to you because you have always....

Loved your mama...




Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2009
8:30am

"Taking the Easy Way" or "On my terms"or "This Right HERE is Some Bullshit"

"I have dreamed a dream and now that dream is gone from me." ~Morpheus

Let me state that I'm not blaming anybody. I am not putting my emotional sadness and distress on anyone. This is not a fault finding piece.

I'm just writing and venting. My eyes are swollen from tears and lack of sleep. I don't want to call any friends because I don't want to hear any platitudes.

I'm officially in trouble. I know this and at the same time I'm uncertain of how to stop it. If you take the Battle Weary feeling I had this summer, multiply it by 35 then you have the emotional depths I have sunken too in thirty days.

I realize that when my suns cant even make me smile, when I have to pull over on the Dan Ryan for ten minutes to cry that I am in trouble.

There is a battle for my soul and I am unsure of the outcome. Part of me keeps saying that I will answer the bell every round and give it my all; but there is another part of me that wants to take the gloves off and quit.

I'm frustrated, isolated (by choice), not sleeping, barely eating, suffering from nightmares, migraines, sad and heartbroken confused. I realize tonight while crying on the expressway I am heartbroken .

Right now I feel worse than when my dad died. I am struggling.

For the first time in a looooooooooong time I honestly thought about killing myself tonight. What did Scarface once rhyme? "Bang and get it ova with. Then I'm worried free..but that's bullshit"

Fear of the unknown keeps me from walking down this dark path. What would be said the morning after? Would I be villianized further? Would it silence my shame or intensify it? And what of my suns? And its bullshit to go out that way but still......I keep thinking of them.....

My heirs, my lifeline in this sea of emotions. The only two people I can hug and not be judged and seen as weak.

or whack.

or lost.

or unhappy.

or unstable.

Because I am in serious mourning and enduring a trial.

Trials.....

I tried to read the bible tonight, but I couldn't focus. So many emotions and memories swimming in my head. So many voices.

I've lost a lot this past month. More than you or anybody will care to know or maybe understand.

I honestly can only think of one person who may understand. Irony. Its a bitch to lose a dream.

Perhaps, I just need to sleep. Then maybe my imagination will stop running wild, maybe my feelings of inadequacy will go away, maybe the memories will silence the voices and whispers.And maybe my imagnation will stop running wild.

I need to lay down. Tomorrow I have to get up and help my suns plan mothers day for their mother. I have to answer the bell.

I have to fight the darkness....but honestly, I.so.tired.

I'm going to go try to sleep now.

Goodnight my unpaid snarky mofo therapist reader(s),

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-9-2009
11:15pm

Sins of the Father Pt. 8: Dreams

"I need you to protect my wife and protect this house" ~LeMar Thomas

For the third time this month I've dreamt of my father. Not just any dream but a lucid dream, where he is sitting there, or cooking or laughing. In this last dream, he just walked through the front door in his funeral suit, upset that we buried him and didn't even leave him a sandwich. He sat in his favorite chair and told me to get off the computer.

He also lowered his head and told me he was SO disappointed in me. He then proceeded to assign me some menial tasks to complete for him, "favors" he used to call them and he asked these favors when he was annoyed with you and wanted you out of his sight.

Needless to say I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I woke up with asking myself what WOULD he say if he walked through that door right now. Would he be proud of me? Would he be satisfied with the outcome of the tasks he asked me to complete? Would he be glad I'm carrying his name? Would I get that smile that I so often sought as a little boy and adult man, but rarely got?

If I were to answer this question honestly then I would have to say no. My father would be very disappointed in me. I haven't been protected his family, I haven't held my mom down as I should and I haven't..well shit there's a lot of things I haven't done.

I know for a fact he would be thoroughly disappointed in how I've made a mess of some many things, both professional and personal. He once praised me for being the best tactical mind he knew, the one person to stand tall and calm during the storms and the one person who would know what to do when it needed to be done. He truly would shake his head in disbelief at how I've operated the past two years. This morning, this gloomy morning it gives me a lot to think about as I talk with Jehovah and as I take a morning drive.

I read that I could be experiencing an early midlife crisis. I'm at the half way point and I'm looking at my victories, defeats and draws. I'm looking at where I wanted my life to go as opposed to where it has gone. I've looked at loved lost, esp this past month and I think I'm up to the third woman that was supposed to be a slam dunk in the wife category. Or at the least the second. I look at my credit score and.....

and I realize this is all the trick of the devil to slow me down and make me gloomy. But still I struggle with things. I mean the skills and qualities once revered: Intelligence, cunning, passion, and persistence, are now seen as flaws. There was a time me fighting for Queen would have been seen as beautiful and inspirational, now its gotten me cleanly put into the crazy box, even if it is beautiful and inspirational. There was a time where my intelligence and cunning made me the center of attention, now its isolated me.

I don't know. I just know today I gotta lot to talk to Jehovah about, a lot to cry about and even a lot to smile about.

I can smile at the fact that I've given CJ and Debo my all. He would be proud of that. I can smile that my sons and I share a bond, and they often give me the well needed boost. I can smile that they are well behaved, happy, handsome and smart. He would smile at them too.

Esp Devin ;-).

Still, in the morning, I will have to talk to my dad. He will want answers as to why I haven't completed some tasks. He will want to know why I stopped thinking and acting and became reactionary. LeMar will want answers and as a former CPD detective he will get them. He also had that gift.

Hopefully, I'll have better answers by the time we meet.

I miss you LeMar.

Straight, No Chaser
5-9-2009
10:39am

A Love Supreme: Final Thoughts

"If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you it was yours.
If not then it was not yours to begin with" ~Old Proverb

I kept a promise today and went outside to get some air and sunshine, and try to shake off the effects of both the BFL Cinco De Mayo celebration but also the flu I seem to have gotten as well. I realize that over the past month I haven't been really positive and upbeat; I know I've gotten on my loved ones nerves and I'm sure I've gotten on your nerves snarky mofo reading this. I think is time I got on my game, start living out the wisdom found at 1 Thessalonians 5:6-7, which tells us to "Always be rejoicing, pray incessantly." I got the last part down pat. I've prayed to Jehovah extensively and incessantly. However I need to get on the rejoicing game. So I figured it was time for a change and time for me to continue on my path of (re)gaining my smile on a full time basis.

This will be the final entry in the Love Supreme series, a summation of the craziness that was April and how it both knocked me on my arse but at the same time helped me find my way back to Jah.

I've written, at nausea, about how losing her made me feel. I've shared my fears and my pains. I've shared the moments in between moments, when the voices talked to me. I still dont understand how it can change so fast, how we can go from the love we shared on Valetine's Day to the position of being uncomfortable in the same room. I think the shift more than anything else is what drove me to saddness, a sadness I've talked about so much. But in doing so I dont show the best of what we had, and if I'm not careful I may end up having to issue another retraction and honestly that's not something I want to do. No, the purpose of this blog is to say thank you and let the world know why I considered her my rib.

Its only fitting that I on this final entry share my joy and let you see a glipse of how the past six months, in spite of the challegens was a time of emense peace and happiness.

Those who are observing both closely and far, really don't understand how this situation could take me down to the level it did. It was argued I've had my heartbroken before, much worst in fact, and I should be able to get over it. I've heard the "I wouldn't want anybody who doesn't love me speech", and I've been blessed with the "haha you got left" speech. So I've heard the gambit of thoughts. Basically the general consensus is that I've been heartbroken on a much larger scale and this should be easily shaken off.

I would agree 100% if that were the case. If this was a heartbreak, an intentional act of evil designed to achieve some goal through emotional and mental distress, I would have shaken it off. I would have written one post and moved on. But it wasnt intentional. It wasnt planned and it isnt a heartbreak.

No, this is something worse. This is feeling comes from losing a love one in death, or who has moved away or when you lose a best friend.

It is genuine sorrow, remorse and sadness.

You see, as I said in the previous blog, I've sometimes taken intellectual and creative liberties to make a point and that gave a flawed picture. Yes our dynamic was problematic, but at the same time it was truly beautiful. I think that is where the frustration came to a boil, when something is so beautiful in a flawed dynamic, you cant help but want to make it perfect. I've only seen this once before in my career, a case where two people who weren't at their best manage to create beauty.

And beautiful it was.

A week or so ago I got envious at her happiness and took it personal. I thought her trying to smile in spite of the storms meant that I wasn't loved or thrown away. Again, that was selfish and fear. True love, which I believe I have for her in abundance, means that I want her happy even if I am not in the happiness circle. I can't claim to love her but only if I can share in/or help make her joy.

This might annoy some people reading and honestly I'm sorry. The fact of the matter is for six months, it was a blessing. I enjoyed ever minute of it and came out of it a helluva lot stronger for it. Did I mess things up totally? Yes. I knew what needed to be done but again I seconded guessed myself and I did the total opposite. Do I think she overreacted(ing) to a lot of this? Yes but again, when one's relationship energy is low then patience for silly shit really isn't going to be given in abundance.

I know I will see my friend again. I do believe somewhere there is hope because dreams conceived in truth will not and can not die.

And what we shared was truth.

So as humanly possible I am letting go. I am going to focus on my goals and smiling more. I understand my dream is important but at the same time so is reality and reality says that today it ain't gonna happen and tomorrow don't look good either.

That enables me to move forward.

I will always cherish the memories and the warmth that for six months I had it. I attained peace and love. Now its time I find that source on my own. But those times will never be forgotten. I grew close to a beautiful young man, who will always have a place at my table as a sun. I dont retract or change that. At a moment when I was hurt by some events this summer, I was brought back, my swagger returned. I was truly loved and I was truly smiled at. It felt good to leave the war politic dynamic. And I will always cherish that memory, that night when she got out the truck, smiling good on her way home from a party and said with the lowest voice and sincerest tone as she hugged me "I love you". I've heard those three words hundreds of times. That time it was different. No disrepect to anyone. But when you feel the difference, you feel the difference.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2009
3:23am

"Two Truths and Lie" or "Uh Let me Explain"

"Just let your word YES mean YES, your NO, NO
for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one." ~Matthew 5:37

War.Clouds.Judgment. I've said that over a hundred times this past month. It is a lesson I've learned but sometimes forget to apply; honestly after losing big this month I had better gain discernment in the matter because for every moment I allow these clouds to linger is another moment I can and will make irreversible mistakes.

With that said....

I've been blogging for some time now, first on Myspace and then on Blogspot. My writing has been a source of therapy for me and I'm sure a source of entertainment for the dozens of my snarky mofo fans out there. When I write, it's how I feel at the moment, my rawest emotions, sometimes well thought out, sometimes a rant equivalent to Tupac's Hit em up, but its still none the less me. I realize moments pass and moods switch, but I love to see what my thought process was during a trial, happy moment, victory or defeat. It is for this reason I refuse to apologize for the contents of my blog, and will clown you if you attempt to put any kind of censorship on my blog. I also believe that once I hit this publish post button, what I've put out there is accepted as truth and no amount of explanation or clarifications will change the initial reaction. This is what started the whole shty storm in the first place, me sending an email that said both some harsh things and some loving things. As per the right of the receiver, she told it how IT MADE HER FEEL, even if I cleaned it up a bit.

This is why I've NEVER written a retraction or even a sincere apology because well these are my words and feelings and honestly people are going to take it how they want.

Yet for all the talk about MY words, MY blog, my, my my, I forgot a simple truth found in both Proverbs 15:1 and in Matthew 12:34. Look them up. Both of these scriptures tell us how to speak, how to defuse tense situations and most important that what comes out of your mouth reflects whats in your heart even for a moment. Since I am walking closer to Jehovah and the light of truth, I have to remember that in my future writings and even on occasion review some older posts which may have stung.

In doing this I realized my recent entry DISAVOWED, was really nothing more than a self indulgent artist expression sorta like Erykah Badu's last album, but without all the bs philosophies and knee deep in pity party emotions.

In that piece I lamented how: my crew turned their backs on me, how Queen left me for dead, and how folks where unjustifiably taunting me. Those were my feelings for that moment.

Yet in that moment of pity, or rather pity seeking, I wasn't totally honest and took a lot of creative liberates. I feel back on the notion of "a certain point of view" and in doing so I upset a shit load of people.

The truth is BFL didnt rally to my side not because they didnt care, but they understood as painful as this situation was, as hurt (not heartbroken) as I was, I had come through more. As I was told at the Cinco De Mayo celebration on Tuesday, I was a survivor, a fighter, and a scholar. They simple thought that once I got it through my thick arse head to fall back and chill, I'd save my kingdom. So what I took as "abandonment", was nothing more than "I know you can beat this champ" kinda encouragement. Had I taken the time to stop, pause, think, ask, and then write I wouldn't have hurt my crew who has loved me for ten plus years.

My queen hasn't ignored me, she just hasnt responded how I wanted and said what I needed to hear. Honestly when I saw her at the celebration, I saw the sadness in her eyes and understood why she stays away and why she doesn't respond in the manner I want her too. That is key because she does/do/will respond if I truly need her, but she is doing something I never learned to do and that is protect the emotional and mental investment of her heart and mind. Her eyes was not of hate and scorn but disappointment and confusion. Where was the King she longed to see, the king that she hopped of the truck that night to see and gave the most passionate I love you and kiss too.

He's been missing since Feb 28th. He's been focusing on all the wrong things and he's just been plain whack. I'm not saying she didn't make mistakes or hasn't been a bit stubborn, but what I am saying is the Teacher she feel in love with was supplanted by the King and he was a total asshole. Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. But yet she keeps subtly reaching out. As painful as it is to type and admit this, if she has moved on she has deserved it. If she has forgotten about me then I have deserved it. Nickjack once told me that I push and push and push and sometimes I push the wrong button and then damn, I'm here a month out typing this instead of enjoying the weather with her and my suns. Lessons learned, meaning made, personality profile updated.

Lastly, I can't be mad at W.Y, S.B. or anybody else who is laughing at my utter fall out. I willfully shitted on a lot of folks for Queen, and its pretty arrogant to think I wasn't going to have some kind of repercussions. I'm lucky, to be honest, one of them didn't plant a blade in my neck. So while I whined about how their mocking me, I need to remember that I threw their championship belt in the trash on Monday Nitro. (Hmmm, that analogy just gave me an idea for my next blog series. Good job at self motivation) I acted careless and this is simply the consequence of my actions. I'm not saying I made a mistake in leaving, that was still the best decision I've ever made, what I am saying is I could have been a little more respectful and careful and for that I apologize.

With this blog, the entry disavowed is retcon'ed. Its from an alternate history. Its like Bobby Ewing in the shower. It didn't happen.

To BFL I'm sorry, to the scorned ones I'm sorry and to Queen well I would say I'm sorry but I've apologized so much its almost meaningless. Oh what the hell. I'm deeply sorry.

Now I need to go lay down, this flu is killing me

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-7-2009
8:45pm

Disavowed

"Should you be caught or killed the Secretary WILL
Disavow of all knowledge of you" ~Mission Impossible

I am a man without a country.


It hurts to almost write this, but that's the truth. I am a man without a country.


When I look think back just two months ago, I was the PM ascending the throne, my crew was getting back together, I had love. My suns where happy and shit was positive.


Then in an instant or rather a slow fall it is all gone. It's totally screwed up to enter into a crisis and realize that you have nothing or no one.


My family, BFL, my crew has left me. This shit is funny to them. They don't understand my pain, they don't care about my pain. I guess I can understand. I don't think any of them truly ever had their heart broken or lost someone they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. Its a joke to them. Sometimes I feel like I've always been a joke to them. When I'm laughing and smiling then I am THE MAN, when I get sad then oh well. I'm a proud man, I don't ask for help unless I need it and honestly I don't think they want to help me through this. Or don't care. I guess it bothers me so much because when both Chris AND MAX from BFL Ver.1 lost their queens and their wives, I stood on the front lines with them and worked until it couldn't be worked any more. I didn't tell them to get over it, I didn't find their pain amusing, I didn't judge. Those dudes where hurt and as their brother and friend I fought with them and when they couldn't fight I DID, because well Diamonds are forever. Will yall fight the good fight since I no longer can?


I am saddened that I'm being ignored. I'm saddened that it seems while I had to pull over on the side of the road and reflect, my copilot has moved. To be treated like you don't exists both hurts and is kinda disrespectful. Why do sistas do that? Why do you ignore the ones who love you so? Am I such a bad person that I can't be talked to? Do I cause that much pain and suffering? How can something so beautiful be so forgotten? Silence is rarely golden. Silence is an indication of indifference. It is an indication of non concern and with one real convo out of 30 days, with no more "I love yous" or no more smiles it truly truly hurts. I havent felt this kind of pain since...it makes you question yourself.


Then there is an old enemy/friend/whatever, who goes out of her way to mock my failures, who takes joy in my pain by sending condecending messages. "I knew this was going to happen" "I told you that bitch didn't hang the moon" that kind of shit. I mean what kind of sick person revels in the sadness of others? Even I, at my vilest, never laughed at anothers pain. This makes you "the better woman"? Spiting in my face? This proves your point? If you were the better woman then you'd help, not laugh. You wouldn't compound this frustration with nonsense. This goes for all of my annoymous posters laughing. This proves nothing other than despite this current problematics I made the right choice. You didnt care for me. I was something to possess.


I wont even talk about my relationship wid Blue, they have long abandoned me, as I have left them.


As I read for today's meeting again I am embrassed that I am crawling back to Jehovah, asking him to heal me. I am asking him to stop the feelings of failure, inadequecy, and abandonment. I ask him to allow me to be important to him. It is both liberating and humaliting to go crawling back to your father.


I don't think I am asking to much of my loved ones (BFL and Queen) and even of my detractors. I am reminded by a quote from "The Watchmen" were Dr. Manhatan told Silk Spectre "You have always asked ME to see the world from your point of view. YET, you never allow me to show you how I see the world." This afternoon, this is how I feel. Nobody is seeing the world, without time, like me.


And that makes it difficult to bond and help.
That makes me lonely and isolated
Diamonds are forever, but damn.....in what why?


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-3-2009
1:15pm

Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm

Yeah I've

See ya June 1st.

Straight No Chaser
TLT
5-1-2009
5:00AM