GOODBYE April Showers, HELLO May Flowers!

On this day, I see clearly.
Everything has come to life.
A bitter place, in a broken dream.
And we'll leave it all behind.

On this day its so real to me.
Everything has come to life.
Another chance to chase a dream.
Another chance to feel.
Chance to feel alive.

I'll never long for what might have been.
Now regret won't waste my life again.
I won't look back,
I'll fight to remain ~Alter Bridge

Good friggin riddance April! Bye, so long. See you next year!

I don't think I've ever waited on a month to end like I have this past April. Where February used to be my month of misfortune, I do think April has supplanted that. I mean wow first the lost of the Black Studies Conference and then the total breakdown of my kingdom, Black Jesus must have truly been in a jokey mood. Seriously, I felt like the Apostle Paul on Damascus. While I am not saying I've written Paul like Gospels, I do understand the experience indeed.

I learned a lot about myself this past April. I learned that I still have a long way to go in balancing my need to tell the truth against the greater good; my need to be heard against decency and dignity. I learned that a lot of my theories on relationships and politics have flaws, and I learned that despite many warnings over the years I still fight the wrong battles. Perhaps though, the most important lesson was that my concerns were justified: I'm rarely "beaten" by external forces but rather internal turmoil and my own short comings namely arrogance.

I reviewed my blogs from the month of April, and with this post I would have effectively blogged every day this month. I'm not sure why this situation bothered me so much or why I felt compelled to fight so hard, but I did. It's funny that I didn't write this much when my father died, so if my using writing as an outlet is ANY indication, this might have impacted me just as great as that event (his passing).

I'm lying though. I know why I fought hard. I fought hard because I believe(d) in it. I believe(d) in our team and our union. I saw(see) the potential. I saw(see) the Ebony cover. I saw(see) the Blue and White wedding. I felt(feel) that. I've pondered marriage and love before, but never was it so real. It's funny, sitting on that couch, talking and debating were some of the only times my chest didn't feel like it was on fire. Very ironic really that a situation can both make my chest thump and quiet it down. I may need to study that.

When you go back and trace your mistakes and mistakes of loved ones hindsight is definitely 20/20. While I am taking FULL responsibility for my errors, I do believe there is enough FUBARs to go around. In retrospect, a lot of it was simply new relationship rough patches, not the major international incidents I(we) made them. I guess that should have been the first sign that my(our) energy was lower than I thought because a lot of the things that miffed me(us), now seem so petty.

As I said earlier, I'm kinda glad Jehovah burnt out my kicker. I really am. I would have kept at it until I was in a box. I don't like losing, I don't like unfairly losing and I don't like not being given a fair change. Time and history will judge if my change was fair or my lost just, right now I will accept it as is. Right now I'm trying to bask in God's love and mercy and get my energy back, heal these wounds and try to teach.

Last week I sat across from my friend, my former queen, my angel and I laid out how I felt in adult terms and clear language. I told her what I hoped and how I think Jah can fix this. I made a plea not for a second chance but a new chance. I remember telling someone paradigm shifts are essential to evolution. My suggestion was laughed at. That shift was seen as b.s. It never occurred and subsequently we didn't evolve. Regrettably when things don't or refuse to evolve they die or become obsolete. I hope this isn't the case now.

But even if the sun has set and my ship has gone and sailed away there is a lot to be thankful for. In spite of it all tis was six damn good months. Tis was beautiful, even if it was flawed. I got to say goodbye on my terms and like the man she remembered and I know I am, with smiles and a hugs, not rage filled eyes. I finally took my teachers exam. I am earnestly in the career market. All in all things ended a lost better than I suspected or hoped.

Still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say my troubled dynamic didn't occupy a good chuck of my mind. I remember a question I once posed to Nickjack: "If the flawed is beautiful imagine what would happen once its perfected ?" I think that is truth or rather truth is found in that answer.

But most appropriately, that decision is not mine to make. Jah has taken this situation and he will render final judgment, not only on these matters but in all matters. His perfect wisdom, justice, laws and understanding will ensure the proper outcome. The final result will be his.

And only the mistakes have been/will be mine.

It's been a long time since I've admitted that.

It felt good to make that truth my own.

I'm taking May off....see you June 1 blogspot. Until then may Jah bless and keep you in his favor.

Straight, No Chaser
4-30-2009
11:59pm