~Author's note: Pull up a chair snarky mofo reading this. Its gonna be a long one. Maybe three blogs for one...up first...
Clarifications.......
S0 doing what I vowed not to I broke transmission and sent a response to something sent for me. Out of curiosity I read a comment. Bad form I know, but again I was curious. So the comment left was a critique of me:
He's not sorry for you, He's angry because you deemed him unworthy to be a permanent part of your life. He felt sorry, alright. FOR HIMSELF.
And he wants to project that insecurity ON YOU.
Now outside of being the uh duh moment of 2009, because I've said that on this very blog, this is exactly why I felt my comments were mis interpreted and misread. This is why I'm strongly considering doing a voice blog or something because things
always
get
lost in translation.
Yes..I do feel sorry. I feel sorry because she had her energy taken and from my point of view didn't understand or appreciate the energy I put into us. I feel sorry because in my arrogance I mucked shit up. I feel sorry because this was on paper the team to beat. Hell yeah, I'm mournful. I wanted this woman. Of course its possible I will never get a chance to sit down and explain it, maybe I'll post that final letter that I sent...and the one after that. I think I will do that later down the way.
I think when we are hurt and angry we say what we feel...in bad speech. I also believe when in that same emotional state we also hear what we want to hear. I was NOT drunk when I sent that message, nor was I angry. In fact I used words like "yield", and "I don't know". I also in that very same message that started the fire...ended by answering my own question. A few sentences later I said:
"I love you [classified] even through this anger, this pain both emotional and physical with every bit."
I also ended the letter "Loving you truly, even now".
Somehow though, I feel sorry for you is the ONLY thing taken from the letter. If anything I am guilty of being intellectually coy, something that I openly admit I do, much to the chagrin of my loved ones. I did take her own words and use them to prove my point, just as Double A taught me to do. I also admit that doing that to a loved one is shitty and whack. But again...a ton of emotions were flooding. Here's what I sent the morning after shit hit the fan. It started out as a response blog but ended up a letter. I've taken out the personal shit to convert it back to a blog:
I hate being misquoted. I hate it when I say something and I am sounded bite. I do believe that is probably why I didn't go into politics. I hate it when what I say is mis-read.
I blame myself for this phenom that seems to affect me. I often speak in political talk that most people don't get or understand.
Yesterday, after a series of discussions wid my queen, and I still refer to her as such, I was summarily dismissed in a blog. Indeed we talked about it, and indeed the timing was very problematic but to read it in a blog stung. I was shocked.
I sat my van, chest hurting thinking of what to say. I know we discussed this, I know I said I agreed, but I also remember saying, to her before I left her embrace that it hurts now and I need to mourn.
I remember saying that.
So I sent her a note on fb, (which was annoying that was the only place we seem to be able to talk) telling her that I yield. I remember typing to her that I didn't know whether to hate her or feel sorry for her, I didn't understand. In fact I wrote:
I want to fight, but honestly being ignored and dodged is so disrespectful to continue is dishonorable....I don't know whether to hate you right now or feel sorry for you because all WE (emphases mine) had to do was do it, by not doing it we let the devil and the naysayers and those who hurt us and wish to see us fail win....but gypsy woman as you approach 30 you will have to set down somewhere, as a mother of a wonderful sun.
Harsh words? Perhaps. I was just merely acknowledging two emotions present in HER dismal piece, that a) she was a gypsy searching..and b)I may hate her. In fact she wrote those exact words.
I neither hate her nor feel sorry for her. I do feel sorry for us, because two people who can do it made it hard. I was distrustful, she thought to much. I did have a moment of pangs of hate, because I felt so locked out, so confused I was utterly dazed that my emotions did boil.
Yet later in that same letter, I answered my own question. I wrote:
I love you [classified] even through this anger, this pain both emotional and physical with every bit.
I also ended the letter "Loving you truly, even now".
Let me say this, I wasn't being judgmental. So busy are we fearing judgment we find it where it doesn't exist. I merely used her words and definitions to express my point.
Even in this writing I do not refer to us in the past tense. Do we need a true moment to breathe, I think so now? We've both escalated this problem beyond normal.
*looking at you* Ain't nobody judging you. If you think I am judging you then this shit has been a lie. I am not judging. I seek to understand.
I was accused of the greatest insult known to a loved one, implying I didn't care about your pain on the anniversary of the late emperor's birthday. I was accused of not caring.
I have accepted that like my hero my campaign has ended in failure. But it is as I said to her on that final night on the couch...if I had know it would have gone down this way I would have said much more, I would have allowed my sun to call, her something. But all I did is leave her the words of Sydney Carlton from a Tale of Two Cities:
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known".
Perhaps that will be enough one day. But today...
I sign my official surrender and end any attempts to win her back...*salute*
Damn where did this surge of energy come from....why am I up and about...oh...
And thus a mystery solved....
Over the past few weeks my queen (former, current etc whatever the she is to me is to be determined) has had her blog vandalized by someone. At first, I suspected Wei Yan, who has made it know publicly and privately she did not support my relationship. So I launched a campaign to subdue her and this rebellion...without much success. Well probably why I didn't succeeded is because it wasn't her. I do owe you an apology General. I thought you were violating space and it wasn't you. This to say your feet were not "hurrying off to badness"; this is to say you didn't do that.
However, a note from a "friend" shared with me the comment. Indeed war..clouds...judgement...
Now I know I hold onto shit, I know I lament, but outside of my snarky sidebars against magnet students I don't think I have actively wagged a war against someone for 15 years. 15 fucking years?
Cami aka Yoni, you are truly sad. But I need to thank you because in your antics, you managed to move me from my sadness and remind me of why I get up in the AM.
I'm not going to defend actions a) I don't remember and b)were so long ago they might as well have been in another lifetime. I will say is that our brief internship together was not a definition of who I was or who I am to be. It is not a reflection.
You were a high school girlfriend, I was trying to make her my wife. Apples and Oranges. It is also ludicrous to think you know me better than my baby..mama. Irony. That statement was irony. Good my irony is back.
Its laughable to think a woman I aint talked to in over a decade has insight to me and my motivations...
Really if you still upset bout not getting into Fisk I suggest you take that up with Chief. She held you back...and if you upset bout Howard, then I do think you need to take that up with your second baby daddy. Our issues have long been buried.
I strongly suggest, that you let it go.
*pause* yes snarky mofo reading this, I am about to give an Romance of the Three Kingdoms example..so just shut up and read it.
*play*
In the year 200 ad, right before they went to he went to war to determine supremacy of the Central Plains with his rival Yuan Shao, Tsao Tsao, Prime Minister of the Han, feel ill as he thought his task was too great. He was damn near on his deathbed. In an effort to bait him out Yuan Shao, (as he had the much larger force) had one of his ministers right an insulting letter to Tsao Tsao. His letter was so rude, so ignant that it shocked Tsao Tsao into feeling better.
Tsao Tsao went on to spank that ass at the Battle of Guan Du by the way.
When I got the comment you left, I was lying in bed...tried...looking at old pictures. But now I'm up, shit, showered and shaved.
I got up because I realized I could lie in bed and die, thereby validating her concerns about my ability to endure, leave my friends and loved ones disappointed or I could get up...go study and get on with my life...because holding on to this for five days, as painful as it is, has not been good.
I can only imagine what hell you've been living in for the past 15 years.
I have two degrees, (ok ok an AA and BA, but AA's still count damn it) seen the country and almost built a family. I have two beautiful suns and even for a moment I had peace.
How about you?
So now, I am up...partially alive and renewed....for the moment...because this shit here...
is bull.
I owe you one Zeigler.
The Text Message...
I got a text message today, basically asking me if I felt stupid for having bet the farm and lost. I was asked was it worth it and basically told I allowed [classified] to take my manhood. *I knew them feets were hurrying ;-) I also was told I wasnt a man any longer, I bet the farm and lost and needed to "find myself". The message ended with her telling me she was about to send me some cookware for all the shit I've eaten. Again, gotta love feet and badness.
Was it worth it?
Ask Sydney Carlton was it worth it. He thoughts are EXACTLY mine. But that doesn't answer the question really.
My response:
Yes it was worth it. Even when I cried.
I think I'm hungry...
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-7-2009
11:2oam
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