The Longest Day Or How I feel, cried and fought off the darkness today OR I have no cleaver title.

"Laugh and the World Laugh's With you."
Weep and you weep Alone ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"You're dad, you can overcome anything" ~Eldest Sun

I got my ass whupped today. The wonderful emotions of doubt, fear, anger and sadness spent the majority of the day kicking the shit out of me until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I had no other recourse but to try to sleep it off.

Of course though that kind of mercy would have been to much to ask. Instead I fell into a crying spell that swole my eyes and dried my throat.

It seems the sun of the mourning wont go away with a bitter fight. Of course not. The minute I start talking bout Jah, faith, hope and love, he commences to putting an emotional and mental ass whuppin on me. Cute. Real Cute.


I guess the weather and the loneliness is finally took its total today, the rain, the gloom the feelings of abandonment and being alone. I don't think any of my friends understand my pain, and if they do they only can offer so much assistance. I don't think they really understand that this isn't a "heartbreak" but something more, a sensation I haven't felt before.

I keep wondering am I the only one upset, the only one crying..the voice in my head that sounds an awful like my father is telling me that "it's over", "she ain't thinking bout you" and "nobody cares". That voice is reminding me that men cry in the dark and we cry alone.

Then another voice tells me that I am alone on this one, whether I fight or not, I'm alone and the cavalry won't be coming over the hill. I lament at the thought, but judging by the responses of my loved ones when I seek their advice it appears to be the case.

There all these words. I struggle to hear Jah. Its an empty day.

I try to log on Facebook, but I go places I shouldn't and see things I don't understand. It only makes my chest tighter. Today I had my baby mama lock my account, change the password, and keep me out. It would be sad to have a heart attack ova Facebook ya know.

I want blog, but shit 22 blogs and we aren't half way through the month? Besides, I'm tired of the anonymous comments telling me that I was a fool, I wasn't loved, I got what I deserve. Friggin cowards. At least W.Y. used to sign her work. She was gangsta. Yall just scary.

I hate days like this. I have to deal with this sadness. I almost wish it was a heartbreak, I really do. I can deal with the heartbreak. This...I cant fathom.

Wanna here something crazy, as I laid in bed crying my eldest sun comes into the room to comfort me. I was sicken that my 12 year old let me lay on him and cry. Then in a moment of innocence, he says "Guess who called me yesterday?" I know the answer before he even tells me. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten them, I'm glad they still have that presence even if I don't. A small victory. But it only makes me cry harder when he leaves. I feel like shit for mourning in front of him. He comes back to remind me that I'm the best dad in the world and I can overcome anything. I smile weakly and give him some suga. He is my heir apparent yall.

I know its not as bad as it seems, I do have a support team: BFL, babymama, Ishamaria, lil sis. But still my mind...the voices...I cant shake them, well at least today the voices that wish to see my finally give in couldn't be silenced.

But even in the face of that I got up and made it through the day. No matter what happens, no matter how many mental and emotional ass whuppins I take I'm not going to yield....


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
11:35pm