Going Home

"Rather, store up treasures for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is your heart will also be."
~Matthew 6:20-21

I reached a decision today. Well not actually today, but rather a decision that has been a long time coming.

I have decided to go back and dedicate my life to Jah.

This time for me and me alone. No parents, no woman, no points to prove.

I'm going back cause I need him. I'm tired and slowly losing my life force.

I need him because the son of the mourning won't quit until I yield and I can't beat him.

Its really no surprise to those who truly know and love me. It's always been there.

It's always been there even when I didn't agree or understand supported the work, theology and mission.

So the question was not of if but one of when. When was I going to do this.

I decided to do it last week, when I realized that my lack of success wasn't due to my skills or lack thereof, but rather a lack of energy. I my engine just gave out, figuratively and almost literally. I felt my heart palpitating, I felt my shortness of breathe. I felt life leaving me.

It's a scary feeling to fight so long your life force leaves or rather you just can't go on.

I thought about the recent challenges in my life and honesty, I've had darker days than this, I've overcome so much more yet this seemed so insurmountable because I didn't have the energy.

I didn't have energy because I lacked faith in even the basic sense. I only trusted my own eyes and my own intellect.

Your eyes can deceive you, man's intellect is fallible. I was doomed to fail before I began.

I also decided to walk back to Jah because I carry a lot of guilt and pain from things past. I want these emotions and feelings gone. I am tired of losing sleep over lost loved ones and failed dynamics. I want a full 8 hrs of sleep and I want them without having to cuddle with somebody or my sons.

I want to sleep on my own. Only Jah can provide me with that.

Lastly, I want a family. I know this. But its obvious I lack discernment and the skills to make this so. In spite of all my plans, plots, stratagems, and shenanigans didn't stop any disasters and didn't make anybody stick around. Its time I seek first the kingdom so all things can be given unto me.

I realized Thursday and affirmed it Friday that I haven't lost; I just was fighting the wrong battle. AGAIN. I realized that I understood all along, that by fighting at all I lost. There was no battle. There was no challenges. I "lost" because I had no faith, I was setback because all I trusted was my own ideas and that really isn't love.

Jah showed me that I couldn't fight anymore, in fact he wouldn't allow me to fight anymore. I do think he caused my engine to give out because I, in my arrogance, wouldn't yield, wouldn't quit, wouldn't stop fighting.

And that made him sad I'm sure, instead of loving life, I was always fighting, always looking for the challenge. He asked me, in 1 Corinthians 7:15 not to live in war. SO he burned out the engine. He stopped me before I made a mess of things. I truly thank him for that. So, now in spite of my arrogance and stubbornness I am being given another shot by Jah to turn it around.

Now its time for me to make the truth my own. Its time for me to go to the infinitely renewable power source. Its time for me to, as I said before, study Jah over Zhuge.

Its time for me to grow up spirituality.

Thank you God.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-24-2009
11:30pm