The Duel of Fates: Paradoxes

Irony:

The one person in the world who needs to see is the one person in the world who can not.

Irony:

The one person whose trust Batman wants to earn is the one person who distrusts him.

Irony:

The one act designed to fix a problem is an act that creates more problems.

The best of the Prime Minister....

and the most unfortunate...

The Duel of Fates rages on....

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

6:23pm

8-31-2009

*edited

7:12pm

The Duel of Fates: Dispatches From The Frontlines or Just Another Weekend Update

Morning Snarky Mofos Reading this!

I wasn't going to do a weekend update, partly because I have two unfinished pieces sitting in my drafts that I could be working on, but also I think it is uber depressing to get a dispatch from the front lines of a beleaguered, defeated army. I mean seriously you ever see those old films of generals surrendering, leaders yielding and other sorts of giving up? It makes you wanna cry. I mean look at this here. Or this here. No better yet how about this one. That is how my house looks and feels this morning. And for the historically deficient, I just compared this shit to the end of the Civil War, the Japanese surrendering on the Missouri, and the fall of Saigon. But in spite of these feelings that doesn't remove my responsibility for a weekend update.

On my current career situation:
I have interviewed with a couple of social service agencies, looking for alternative certification route and as a final option will find a MA program in either Public Administration or Political Science. As I stated back in April I aced my Basic Skills tests to that gives me a ton of negotiating room.

I would love to stay with the organization I'm with but since my current contract ends on Sept 30th, and I haven't heard anything about my status in any form I must only conclude that I am not up for renewal and have to take my skills and brilliance else were. Again, this search and mission is made easier by the fact that I am not returning to retail nor any bullshit gigs. Unlike my personal life my professional one is pretty much cut and dry.

The Wei Yan Situation
It's funny how this topic has moved to the front of the conversation since the piece "On Thy Honor"; esp when you consider that the MAIN THEME of that topic wasn't the termination of generals but rather a testimony/testament/character reference by those who knew me best and to provide a counter point to an assessment of my persona was I know was flawed by someone I so love and revere, even outside the context of an "US".

Yet a lot of people took that post as a justification of my friendship, or lack thereof with the Ret. General. One of the aforementioned drafts deals with why I ended our friendship this time around and I'm still debating on hitting the "Publish Post" button; I know the creature and I know she reads and it will only get ugly(er). But keeping true to myself I might have to file this one under the "they'll get over it tab." I think it's a story that needs to be told and a situation that requires some light. So yeah, look for that complete post in the next week and a half or so. I will say this right here and now: Yes, she helped me at a very critical moment. I appreciate that and I'm sure my love(d) ones do as well. It was that reason why I wiped her original sins clean. Let me add that I no longer see her as a villain, nor will I vilify her. There was an small element of political expediency present in my decision. I know for a fact she would have never submitted to the throne and I was also aware that had she come back (the)Queen wouldn't had tolerated her presence one bit. With that said in order to get (the) Queen back to the table, I removed the one thing I believe(d) irked her outside of my blog and drunken rambling emails. But do not be mislead: Even if you remove (the)Queen factor, Ret. Gen got her own self removed; like McCarthy during Korea she just wouldn't listen and was hell bent on me healing her way. In essence she helped then turned around and worked against the healing program because I would not in her words "forget about her". That created conflict, that brought the toxic nature back and finally a decision had to be made in the best interests of both our sanity, our family and the larger picture. Like I said it's more complex than "she vs. her" or some high school paradigm.

Shutting my blog down
Com.e.dy. Stop emailing, stop implying, stop asking. It ain't happening. I am not doing it. No way. If I didnt consider it when the Queen Mother suggested it, what change DO you have. I shouldn't have shut down the first myspace blog, but I did so trying to maintain a peace, heal a friendship and in the process lost some classic material as well as an introspective into my life at a certain point and time. I concede at times I am careless on this thing, other times I really don't think my words have that much impact. But if what I am told is true and now my blog is being debated in class that means I got a lot more folks reading than my "subscriber" tab would indicate and I need to be a tadbit careful...but not much.

The important thing to remember about my blog, even when I was writing political (which by the way I'll be doing again shortly) is it is about my life from my P.O.V. It is not a gospel, it is not meant to be a definitive statement of events but rather how I see, thought, think, feel and react to the situations in my life....Straight No Chaser. If I'm not allowed that right then damn....

The Breaking of the Dark Knight
I wrote a couple of days ago how I finally think, as painful as it is to do, gotta give up my campaign. It sucks, it's not fair, its painful, emotional, bitter, sad, not fair and whole bunch of other words that make my chest hurt but the fact of the matter is that a) I am moving towards a (re) burnout and b) My struggle is not being viewed in a proper context I believe and I am running the risk of forever losing, tarnishing (more) my legacy and at the worst being hated or disliked. Since none of those were agenda items or goals I was trying to obtain this means that I, gotta stop. I'm have to take a page out Ekklektia/Ishamariablanca's book and step back, yield and accept this is Jehovah's will even if it hurts. If there is someone on the her throne, I need to bow before it. I have seen and participated in the banning of generals who don't get with the program. Prime Ministers are not above banning either (Thanks to Soror/Sage for that ugly moment).

*sigh*

Let's remove all the hyperbole and just get blunt: True love isn't about being a bull in a china shop. If (the) Queen or anybody else *points at all you mofos* don't know my heart, thoughts and feelings then honestly...I have no words. I cant force way back and I cant debate my way back. I fought the good fight and now...it's time to...do...something. I admit I don't know. I do know though Mirrors are real and I honestly don't wanna be banned. With that said, I'm sorry if my actions or my words, or my blogs have been hurtful, or crude; as I stated above that was not my intent. I am neither phony nor fake, crazy nor bitter. I am a simple man who just simply wanted to go home.

And there will still be plenty for me to do and write about....

Aight I'm going back to play Batman...
oh wait speaking of Batman

On Batman Arkham Asylum:
This is the greatest game ever made in the history of Batman games. I swear Jehovah was in the room with the developers as they made this piece of art. I mean damn. So far I'm 66% complete, I've survived Bane's nonsense, Scarecrow's fear toxic, and Killer Croc's sewers; I wont even speak on the Joker's henchmen and the Riddler's challenges.

They even set up a website based off of a site they mention in the background: www.Arkhamcare.com/prices

If I died today I would die a happy man.

Not with THAT said

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:45am
8-30-2009

The Duel of Fates: Early Encounters

To be continued.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-29-2009
12:41am

The Duel of Fates: Mental Vertigo

*Sigh* It's raining again......

And the rain accompanied me on my morning drive...even as I cried.

I think I cried. It feels more like a vertigo...like my mind is swirling.

A.P. said I should be exhausted. I probably am and ignoring it.

I'm dizzy. I guess 8 hrs of sleep in 72 hours will do that. Even if you remove the Batman equation I have seen, heard, and discussed enough to deny any man rest. I do believe it is safe to say I am "deliriously exhausted".

I should be home again sleeping. I've canceled most of participants post tests. I really cant listen to whining of snarky teenagers who don't want to work. Conversely I am sure they don't want to deal with a grouchy old man whose pissed he cant get his woman back, who's sons are irking him to death and whose job is acting reeeeaaalll slow.

Of course I can't sleep. I have an interview in a hour and a half. I am so unprepared. I am wondering how many redbulls I am going to have to suck down to get up to 40%.

Walking down the hall to my office is errie. It seems like the door keeps moving out of reach. All of my co-workers seem extra today and they wont shut that fucking FM radio off. Is this love song morning? What the hell?

Did I say I'm dizzy?

One of my more adoring and adorable co workers ask me if I have been crying. Damn, I think the swag shades would hide this. I tell her more than any normal person should and smile.

Four site visits this afternoon. I'll end my day in the field.

Phone rings. Oh joy more love advice.

I swear the next *points at you all* mofo that asks me if "she is mourning like you; if her life is unhappy like you are" will be kicked in the chest, choked with a plastic bag or have your identity stolen. Maybe all three. Her response doesn't invalidate my emotion.

Oh and I'm praying my son's school doesn't call again.

Is this Friday blues? Who the fuck has Friday blues?

I miss my Batman game......that makes me happy :D

Last night my mother told me to stop blogging for two months. I told her it's my only outlet.

She said write Jehovah a letter.

I'll do that too.....

Dear Jehovah:

You know I don't want to be sad over this
or angry
or hurt
or frustrated

I damn sure don't wanna piss off ANYBODY ELSE...from her to Yan to BFL

But how can I do that and keep emotional integrity?

Please advise

Thanks,

Trying to be your loyal servant in Jesus' name
TLT

I need to get up and head to this interview...my legs don't work...

My hands stopped too....I guess they are tired of the keyboard.

And please don't let my son's school call today. Those ignant coons will get it

And so will he.

I've been a on Burger King kick...shit's so not healthy but that's all I want.

Ugh...it's still raining...

I'm dizzy...

But I want this new job....so I'm suck down some espresso AND redbull...wash my face and go get my shit.

then afterwards I'll find a parking lot, crawl in the back of the van and sleep...

Then come back....and listen to the kids whine.....

and uh....hmmm ramble over.


Straight No Chaser
TLT
8-28-2009
11:45am

The Duel of Fates: Unintended Consequences and The Breaking Of Will

"But this time...is different"~ Batman

I felt like Biggie, wondering who the hell is this calling me at 7:15am. I didn't look at the number assuming the only lunatic to call me would be one of my young people and I honestly prayed that it wasn't because the ONLY time on of them call that early is to tell me they're either locked up or somebody died. Either way I was in the mood for it because hump day blues left me totally fucked up.

I answer half professional half sleep.

"This is Terrance"

The voice responds "Good morning Prime Minister". Instantly I recognize the voice and laugh because its my former student, lover and current great friend "Red". Red is a legend in my world a retired counsel member. Our history is quite complex; we're like the friend my anonymous poster said she had, but now really great friends. She married a great guy and all is well. Sadly the sails of life has kept communication apart and we really hadn't spoken nor seen each other minute but I know for a fact she's a snarky mofo who reads this fine piece of work I call a blog. I also know her eyes go else were.

"Do you realize what time it is?

"Yeah it's the time when normal people get up"

"We both know I ain't normal people"

"LOL. No. You're not. But look wake up, we need to talk".

I sit up on the couch, having feel asleep playing Batman: Arkham Asylum for the XBox360 (good ole product placement) and I tell her to shoot.

"T, you know I love you. But I'mma need to you stop"

"Stop what?"

"Don't be an ass"

"You know I can't do that"

"Actually you can but you don't want to. But you really ain't gotta choice no more."

"Red"

In anger she cuts me off. She begins to layout her concerns for me and my health. She lays out why it won't work and tells me the obvious answer is none of the above. In essence she is pleading with me not to continue and for good measure she tells me how I am mentally killing myself.

I absorb her pleas and I listen; but my response was as it has always been. "Thank you, but my mind is made up. I have no choice but to fight"

By now she is crying and I can hear it in her voice she is worried.

"Nothing can be gained from this battlefield. You remember telling me that when me and his name who isn't spoken broke up. It hurt, but you were right. So now I'm telling you my old teacher "nothing can be gained here".

"Its too early in the AM. Can we finish this later?"

"No. Have you seen the latest piece of intel?" she asks in a flustered voice.

"No, contrary to popular belief that isn't the first thing I do in the am"

"I think you should check it out now. I'll wait."

I go to my laptop which snary preteen left up and I gather my intel"

"You there?"

"Yeah I'm here. I'm reading now"

At this point I am now wishing it was a lunatic or one of the kids. The shit hits me like a ton of bricks and I taste traces of vomit but I fight it off.

"T?"

"Unintended consequence of war. Balance will return"

"Isn't that present in all wars PM? Yours was no different. So you ain't said nothing. Wait are you shittying me? It's is there in black and white. What more do you need to hear and read? Will seeing make you a believer? Or maybe another breaking point. Look, if you continue would you be any different from Yan? Only a fool keeps knocking on a door where he ain't wanted. There are sisters who would love to fuck with you, die to be with you. Why then fight for the one who ain't feeling you ever? You know better. I know you know better cause you trained me"

"It's a little more complex......"

"Yi Liang. You're now fighting an unjust and immoral war"

"That's not fair"

"But it applies. Or better yet, you can run all of Baltimore, but Avon gotta have his corners."

I sit silently. I look at the screen one more time and I log off.

"PM?"

"I'm here. I need to go so I can get the kids off for school."

"I understand, and I'm sorry. You are a godsend Terrance. I just need for you to remember it. Go heal. I love you bro"

"Thank you and I love you too..."

In just 7 mins and 42 seconds Thursday August 27th 2009 is officially shot to hell.

I go through my morning ritual as if in a trance....my mind cant even think straight.

I make coffee.

I take a shower.

I help my heirs get organized.

I try to eat a bagel. I can't

My coffee tastes bitter.

My youngest heir wont cooperate.

I call off work. Don't wanna do it today.

My heirs leave and I go sit on a back porch...the drizzle annoying me. I reflect on all that I have read seen and done.

I reflect on this blog, my conversations her, my debates with Yan, the counsel of BFL, Rev Dr, my bible study, every moment of the past 142 days and it finally hits me...summed up in one line...

Finally I throw up.

By now I've gotten two text messages asking me am I alright and what my next move will be.

My next move..will...be...to...use the advice I gave Yan....

Of 36 Stratagems, only one will work....36 itself.

I walk in the house and the Queen Mother is up.

"You look tired. Is everything alright?"

I kiss her on the forehead and tell her as good as its going to be and smile at her. I turn and walk to the den she yells to me "Pray to Jehovah!"

I try to pray but I can't. I can't find the words. Perhaps I will later..they always do come to me.

I do think I've picked on helluva time to try to quit drinking. Jackass.

Instead and fittingly considering my fixation on this damn game (which I'm about to play now) I remember Batman #497......and the images therein...which describes how this "Bane" of hurt and frustration (even if unintentional) has managed to break this Dark Knight.


It's over..............

And somewhere the "Star" is laughing his ass off.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-27-2009
9:45am

Hump Day Blues......

It's Hump Day.

I have the blues.

It's raining.

My work contract still hasn't been renewed.

The Joker keeps mocking me on that game

Oh and did I mention it's raining?

I've come to hate the rain now

It used to be a sign of beautiful things

But now each drop serves as a reminder of this battle...this...on.going.struggle.to.be.heard

Fairly...

The Joker keeps mocking me cause I cant find Dr.Young. Sick bastard.

The stress of not knowing if I will be kept or not.

Why cant people, personal and professional, answer in a timely manner.

Bills wont wait till September 30th

And it won't stop raining.

Mother nature is an evil bitch. She probably laughs too...

Did I mention my blog was a source of contention

Got an email from an upset ex...whatever..not woman, tired of my words.

Yet my words keep the bottle out of my hand; keep my eyes dry

Oh that's right TLT aint supposed to be hurt.

I guess my words bring the pain that is difficult

Or repressed

or complex

Or intense

or passionate

Or ignored

to the surface.

Cute.

But since the night, all I've had was this pen...

it frees my mind...keeps "him" away and the voices silent.

The pen..got me through the Night when Nicole broke up our potential family for a high school love

The pen...got me through the confusion of the Second Renaissance when Soror/Sage had enough

and had to move on...while I healed

The pen...is getting me through the crisis when the one I so love

doesn't think so

or understand so

or believe so

The pen is with me on the ocean, in those lonely nights, when voices are there...

And I am half crazy....

The pen has helped my broken wings, become Beautiful wings...

even when I gotta fill out my prescription....

The pen reminds me when I forget

We're not in love anymore..

Or we're not speaking on it.

The pen has helped me with Generals

Who rebel

Who are hurt

Who can't heal

and rightfully so.....

The Pen encourages me to fight even as I tell others not to fight

Or when people tell me my fight is fruitless...

or to leave her/it/that alone

that all under heaven can't be obtained

to

But the pen is stronger than the sword..

It protects my heart from the cold world

The pen keeps me from ninja kicking my boss

When he talks out of body at me like I am 5

And comforts me as I weep at night

Ooops I said cry. The Prime Minister doesn't weep

But TLT does

And hard

And ugly

I want to weep now

But can't weep in front of CHA kids

I'll lose their respect

Or maybe earn more

At least it stopped raining.

But I shouldn't hate the rain.

Ruffin said rain drops will hide my teardrops

Then maybe I should go outside and cry

And Scream and Shout

And ask Jehovah for help...

But no I pick up the Pen...

And I write, as I have always done

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-26-2009
9:56am

*posted at 3:03pm...thanks rough day*

A Quick Interlude.....and thanks

"That blog of yours is going to get you killed"~A Close Friend

I wasn't going to post today because I just got Batman:Arkham Asylum for the Xbox360 (a game which just might be game of the year) and as a LIFELONG Batman fan I have waited my whole life for a game on the Dark Knight Detective that didn't suck ass. I mean Lego Batman was hot, but c'mon it was Lego. Batman Begins was good too, but a tad bit repetitive. It damn sure aint the asscrap that was Batman: Dark Tomorrow or Batman and Robin. This joint was crafted with the help of Jehovah himself and made to make men like me stay in the house and give up drinking. I mean look at this shit right here fam...



Or this shit right here...man this is a damn turn on...



Hm-mm I think I'm going to write a review on the game and the philosophy of Batman. That might be my next piece.

But I aint writing this morning to tell you how this game has made me just as happy as BH2. I mean did my first midnight release party thingy and stayed up till fucking 5:00am kicking arse and I still aint make it to the Batcave. Gawd.....that game rules.

OK let me get back on task and why I am writing..

I wanted to say "Thank you" to all my snarky mofo readers, fans, heathens, and folks who wish this blog would just die.

It's funny how the path of life takes you; despite the challenges and regrets I have truly enjoyed the ride. It seems that just when I think I've seen it all I learn something new.

So..to learn that my lil blog is used in a classroom and dissected by shrinks and shit is kinda sexy, even if the critiques are at times not. Still though it moves me that much closer to writing my book, making my money and then retiring to my mountain.

I had no idea when I hit "publish post" on the "On Thy Honor" blog that I would open up such an academic dialog. I appreciate the support. I appreciate the votes of confidence. I even appreciate the disses, as it makes me think harder and stronger. Straight, No Chaser is my baby; a written testament to where I am in life. I regret I didn't do this during the "Longest Night", I hate that I destroyed the documentation of the "Second Renaissance"and I am still pissy that my pen drive died and with it all of the blogs from "A Death in the Family". Those where periods that defined me, helped mold me and brought me to this point. I made a promise that good, bad or ugly I would document the Love Supreme (Crisis) as a testament and I guide of how a simple, but highly intelligent brother has navigated the trials of life, love, friendship, failures, victories and visions. This blog has been as I said before, is a written testament of my never ending struggle to find mental (which entails spiritual and emotional) perfection or at the very least close to it. I have beaten so many enemies, really I have no more battles left at this stage. The only one left is the Duel of Fates; freedom or slavery, life or death.

But anywho I love the banter I have, I didn't know I had so many readers, many who refuse to leave comments but hit me privately some offering praise others reading me the riot act and of course my favorites are my ex gf's or bootycalls or whatever cussing.

I am going on too long so let me hurry up. Yesterday took my love of this blog to another level and although my snarky intellectual equals refuse to identify themselves, they have shown a level of brilliance that I wasn't expecting from (im)poster's. It also made me smile. Again having your shit dissected in any form of academia is one helluva confidence booster and damn sho feels good.

The best decision I made this year was not shutting my blog down.

Real quickly a few housekeeping points from the last piece as I think it's easier to post here than in the comment section:

First let me say I appreciate this academic dialog. I really do. However, I want to stress a few points to bring the topic back full circle:

• First, the purpose of the piece "On Thy Honor" is not to discuss Wei Yan or where she stands; that was included in the interest of fairness, meaning that while my peeps said I by no means was a fake, fake(r), phony or anything else, I have made some mistakes and all cited that as reason number 1. I don't want to lose focus of that. There are other measures of my integrity and sanity and I think its important to expand it beyond the context of Generals vs Queens.
• Since Wei Yan has been made the topic, I will say this: She knows what happened and why she was deactivated. It was her actions first and foremost, followed by the other two factors that helped support my decision. At this point and time, while I appreciate the intellectual banter, praise, critiques, and psych evaluations the decision regarding the Ret.Gen is final at this point and time; yet as the great soror/sage once said "I reserve the right to change my mind." Yes, she did a find deed. Yes I have zeroed out her account, but let me stress again anything else I do, considering our very (potentially) toxic dynamic is morally praiseworthy but NOT morally obligatory.
• I believe the true measure of wisdom is knowing when to take it, esp during times of crisis. In that sense BFL09 has known me for decades and I believe they are an excellent gauge of how I would react all things equal and will remind me of that. The same applies to my family, esp my mother and brother Zhang Fei. As much as it is great to take your own counsel sometimes you gotta get over yourself and head the words of the villagers.
• I will address this once more and for all times: I am renewing my fight, however with boundaries this time, to fix my relationship/friendship with (the)Queen because I believe in my heart I am right. I believe my assessment of the situation is right on and I would forever have questions if I didn't try one mo' gin, win lose or draw. And just like the topic of Wei Yan while I welcome it in terms of academic, intellectual and mental dialogue its a safe bet to assume I'm go one more again. I am not going to run from this or hide or pretend it aint real. I have been nor will I ever be a coward and not to attempt ONE more run would in my eyes make me an emotional coward.
  
• ....But even in that renewed struggle, I have a line of demarcation I will stick to.
  

Aight I need to get back to "work" so I can leave early and get back to my Batman game.

I just felt compelled to say unto you all...

Thank you so fucking much

Straight, No Chaser
8-25-2009
11:00am

*Author's Note: I had to clean this up because in my rush to get back to my game, I had many incomplete thoughts. I apologize for the ex post edit job.
~TLT

The Duel of Fates: On Thy Honor

"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.

In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.

Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.

Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?

The issue at hand is one of integrity.

My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.

But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.

So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"

It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.

But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.

I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."

I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.

The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."

The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.

The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.

The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.

I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.

It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.

*pause*
And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW
TLT
*play*

It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.

I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them.
A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.

Real talk right there

and sorry for the length

The Duel of Fates Rages on....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-20-2009
12:35am

100 Times

To all those affected by my inconsistencies, hurt by my choices and unsure of my integrity esp (the) Queen. It's a small gesture, harder than you may think to accomplish, that I remembered from a time when life was simple and I'm sorry fixed problems. May this innocent gesture soften your hearts to complex problems.

1. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

2. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

3. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

4. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

5. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

6. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

7. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

8. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

9. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

10. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

11. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

12. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

13. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

14. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

15. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

16. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

17. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

18. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

19. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

20. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

21. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

22. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

23. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

24. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

25. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

26. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

27. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

28. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

29. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

30. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

31. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

32. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

33. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

34. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

35. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

36. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

37. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

38. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

39. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

40. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

41. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

42. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

43. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

44. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

45. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

46. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

47. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

48. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

49. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

50. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

51. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

52. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

53. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

54. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

55. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

56. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

57. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

58. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

59. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

60. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

61. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

62. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

63. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

64. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

65. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

66. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

67. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

68. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

69. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

70. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

71. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

72. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

73. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

74. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

75. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

76. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

77. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

78. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

79. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

80. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

81. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

82. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

83. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

84. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

85. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

86. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

87. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

88. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

89. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

90. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

91. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

92. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

93. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

94. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

95. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

96. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

97. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

98. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

99. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

100. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-19-2009

1:00AM