GOODBYE April Showers, HELLO May Flowers!

On this day, I see clearly.
Everything has come to life.
A bitter place, in a broken dream.
And we'll leave it all behind.

On this day its so real to me.
Everything has come to life.
Another chance to chase a dream.
Another chance to feel.
Chance to feel alive.

I'll never long for what might have been.
Now regret won't waste my life again.
I won't look back,
I'll fight to remain ~Alter Bridge

Good friggin riddance April! Bye, so long. See you next year!

I don't think I've ever waited on a month to end like I have this past April. Where February used to be my month of misfortune, I do think April has supplanted that. I mean wow first the lost of the Black Studies Conference and then the total breakdown of my kingdom, Black Jesus must have truly been in a jokey mood. Seriously, I felt like the Apostle Paul on Damascus. While I am not saying I've written Paul like Gospels, I do understand the experience indeed.

I learned a lot about myself this past April. I learned that I still have a long way to go in balancing my need to tell the truth against the greater good; my need to be heard against decency and dignity. I learned that a lot of my theories on relationships and politics have flaws, and I learned that despite many warnings over the years I still fight the wrong battles. Perhaps though, the most important lesson was that my concerns were justified: I'm rarely "beaten" by external forces but rather internal turmoil and my own short comings namely arrogance.

I reviewed my blogs from the month of April, and with this post I would have effectively blogged every day this month. I'm not sure why this situation bothered me so much or why I felt compelled to fight so hard, but I did. It's funny that I didn't write this much when my father died, so if my using writing as an outlet is ANY indication, this might have impacted me just as great as that event (his passing).

I'm lying though. I know why I fought hard. I fought hard because I believe(d) in it. I believe(d) in our team and our union. I saw(see) the potential. I saw(see) the Ebony cover. I saw(see) the Blue and White wedding. I felt(feel) that. I've pondered marriage and love before, but never was it so real. It's funny, sitting on that couch, talking and debating were some of the only times my chest didn't feel like it was on fire. Very ironic really that a situation can both make my chest thump and quiet it down. I may need to study that.

When you go back and trace your mistakes and mistakes of loved ones hindsight is definitely 20/20. While I am taking FULL responsibility for my errors, I do believe there is enough FUBARs to go around. In retrospect, a lot of it was simply new relationship rough patches, not the major international incidents I(we) made them. I guess that should have been the first sign that my(our) energy was lower than I thought because a lot of the things that miffed me(us), now seem so petty.

As I said earlier, I'm kinda glad Jehovah burnt out my kicker. I really am. I would have kept at it until I was in a box. I don't like losing, I don't like unfairly losing and I don't like not being given a fair change. Time and history will judge if my change was fair or my lost just, right now I will accept it as is. Right now I'm trying to bask in God's love and mercy and get my energy back, heal these wounds and try to teach.

Last week I sat across from my friend, my former queen, my angel and I laid out how I felt in adult terms and clear language. I told her what I hoped and how I think Jah can fix this. I made a plea not for a second chance but a new chance. I remember telling someone paradigm shifts are essential to evolution. My suggestion was laughed at. That shift was seen as b.s. It never occurred and subsequently we didn't evolve. Regrettably when things don't or refuse to evolve they die or become obsolete. I hope this isn't the case now.

But even if the sun has set and my ship has gone and sailed away there is a lot to be thankful for. In spite of it all tis was six damn good months. Tis was beautiful, even if it was flawed. I got to say goodbye on my terms and like the man she remembered and I know I am, with smiles and a hugs, not rage filled eyes. I finally took my teachers exam. I am earnestly in the career market. All in all things ended a lost better than I suspected or hoped.

Still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say my troubled dynamic didn't occupy a good chuck of my mind. I remember a question I once posed to Nickjack: "If the flawed is beautiful imagine what would happen once its perfected ?" I think that is truth or rather truth is found in that answer.

But most appropriately, that decision is not mine to make. Jah has taken this situation and he will render final judgment, not only on these matters but in all matters. His perfect wisdom, justice, laws and understanding will ensure the proper outcome. The final result will be his.

And only the mistakes have been/will be mine.

It's been a long time since I've admitted that.

It felt good to make that truth my own.

I'm taking May off....see you June 1 blogspot. Until then may Jah bless and keep you in his favor.

Straight, No Chaser
4-30-2009
11:59pm

Going Home

"Rather, store up treasures for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is your heart will also be."
~Matthew 6:20-21

I reached a decision today. Well not actually today, but rather a decision that has been a long time coming.

I have decided to go back and dedicate my life to Jah.

This time for me and me alone. No parents, no woman, no points to prove.

I'm going back cause I need him. I'm tired and slowly losing my life force.

I need him because the son of the mourning won't quit until I yield and I can't beat him.

Its really no surprise to those who truly know and love me. It's always been there.

It's always been there even when I didn't agree or understand supported the work, theology and mission.

So the question was not of if but one of when. When was I going to do this.

I decided to do it last week, when I realized that my lack of success wasn't due to my skills or lack thereof, but rather a lack of energy. I my engine just gave out, figuratively and almost literally. I felt my heart palpitating, I felt my shortness of breathe. I felt life leaving me.

It's a scary feeling to fight so long your life force leaves or rather you just can't go on.

I thought about the recent challenges in my life and honesty, I've had darker days than this, I've overcome so much more yet this seemed so insurmountable because I didn't have the energy.

I didn't have energy because I lacked faith in even the basic sense. I only trusted my own eyes and my own intellect.

Your eyes can deceive you, man's intellect is fallible. I was doomed to fail before I began.

I also decided to walk back to Jah because I carry a lot of guilt and pain from things past. I want these emotions and feelings gone. I am tired of losing sleep over lost loved ones and failed dynamics. I want a full 8 hrs of sleep and I want them without having to cuddle with somebody or my sons.

I want to sleep on my own. Only Jah can provide me with that.

Lastly, I want a family. I know this. But its obvious I lack discernment and the skills to make this so. In spite of all my plans, plots, stratagems, and shenanigans didn't stop any disasters and didn't make anybody stick around. Its time I seek first the kingdom so all things can be given unto me.

I realized Thursday and affirmed it Friday that I haven't lost; I just was fighting the wrong battle. AGAIN. I realized that I understood all along, that by fighting at all I lost. There was no battle. There was no challenges. I "lost" because I had no faith, I was setback because all I trusted was my own ideas and that really isn't love.

Jah showed me that I couldn't fight anymore, in fact he wouldn't allow me to fight anymore. I do think he caused my engine to give out because I, in my arrogance, wouldn't yield, wouldn't quit, wouldn't stop fighting.

And that made him sad I'm sure, instead of loving life, I was always fighting, always looking for the challenge. He asked me, in 1 Corinthians 7:15 not to live in war. SO he burned out the engine. He stopped me before I made a mess of things. I truly thank him for that. So, now in spite of my arrogance and stubbornness I am being given another shot by Jah to turn it around.

Now its time for me to make the truth my own. Its time for me to go to the infinitely renewable power source. Its time for me to, as I said before, study Jah over Zhuge.

Its time for me to grow up spirituality.

Thank you God.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-24-2009
11:30pm

One more match....

In time all things time will reveal~ Brian McKnight

An analogy....

I hear a knock at my door...time to go ...

I walk through the locker room....nods of approval greet me.

This is it. I've trained, readied my mind and studied the tapes. I've thought and thought and thought and I cant think no more.

No more reflections or pondering. It is time...

I walk to the curtain. My music blasts...the crowd cheers.

This is what it means to be Terrance...

I walk out...and towards fate...

An Acknowledgment.....

So this is the moment of truth, where all things will be revealed and where I will finally either succeed or fail; where I either achieve my dream or have to defer it.

I once read anticipation of death is worse than death itself; I don't think that applies only to the situation of death. Waiting on a response in general can be taxing. Waiting on a response from a job

or friend

or enemy

or loved one

is so intense, so pronounced that it can cripple you. Even as I type this my hands shake because I don't know.

Sun Tzu said something to the effect of confronting the unprepared or unknown with preparation, but how do I prepare when the waiting is crippling. I do think this is where faith comes in at, but I admit I'm so low on faith its utterly ridiculous.

In less than 24 hours I will sit across from someone dear and either I will find the words or I will not; either I will or will not. Do or do not there is no try.

I sit in my room and I run through a myriad of different stratagems and strategies.

But I realize that no plot will work. No amount of scheming will work.

Either I do it or I don't. Tomorrow the light will shine or the night will come. I've accepted my fate either way.

There are those close to me who will tell me not to do it, to walk away and forget.

There are those who will question me and my desire to fight. There are those who don't understand once more into the breach.

As I often stated I may not be the smartest, or the handsomest or the richest, or even the best, but I promise you there is nobody with more determination, with more fire, with more zeal for his goals than me. I will never quit, I will not lay on my back, I will continue to claw and fight until my energy is spent. That is what I do.

But is it logical? Is it love? And what happens if my will and spirit can not match my heart?

I don't know. This will be the longest 24hrs of my life.

There are no voices to comfort me. There is only my skills and my heart.

Everything I've fought to become and trained for has been for this moment. There will be no do overs. No miscues. No excuses.

I asked for answers. Now Jah will give them.

A small smile comes across my face....one more time...

I hope my eyes have returned to normal.

God, I'm scared.

Protect me and my heart Jah.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-22-2009
10:45am

Old School Mood...

No blog just a morning play list that I was listening to while doing some work.

A Love Supreme: Resolutions

Morning Blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this. Yesterday turned out to be a very positive day in spite of some mild emotional bumps I took. Before I begin I gotta give a shout out to my elders, Ishamariablanca and my younger brother who let me lounge on the Xbox360 while I waited on a phone interview. That truly was a therapeutic three hours of my life ya dig?

So this morning's topic is resolutions.

Late yesterday I talked on the phone with my elder Uncle C.M. who is our relationship guru in Black Studies. I mean this man is utterly brilliant. I've adopted a lot of policies from him like the ability to compromise (there was a time I didn't compromise in a relationship at.all.), best leadership (which seeks to dismantle gender roles which may not be in the best interest of the relationship)* and not going to sleep angry. I had already forwarded him the file on me and [classified] so when I sat down with him he had a LOT of things to say. I really was thankful for this because I truly believe our generation really don't know much, we're arrogant and not built for protracted struggle, that's part of the reason we cant save our communities. The elders are, but sadly their getting older and cant function on the front lines...damn I digressed. My apologies. Basically, what I'm saying is in certain matters and the heart is one of them, I try to actively seek the wisdom of people who've been married and happy for a number of years. My single, bitter, homies can't offer much insight. I mean really. I know you dudes. BFL niggaz.

Uncle C.M's insight was bittersweet. He affirmed my belief that this could work. He is usually right on the money. He affirmed that there is "no easy button." Yet he affirmed that my notion of struggle, is rooted in an arrogance I carry, being the "Soul Survivor" and "Comeback Kid". In fact his exact words to me were "You are very arrogant. You've won a few battles, you've done some things that most people didn't expect you to, but you're not the smartest muthafucka in the room."

Damn.

But I can see that. I've done that often in my dating scenarios and I damn sure did it in my relationship too. I do believe surviving the longest night and the build up to the longest night gives me insight and discernment. I do think most folks would have folded. But really how do I know that? More importantly, while it might have been traumatic, it most certainly IS NOT the only situation one has to overcome.

Good point. Guilty as charged.

What he said the basic problem was is that neither of us was willing to make the sacrifice required in a relationship: Individuality. While laughing, he mentioned he never seen to people who profess to love each other so much use the words I, Me, My. He pointed out that for my hyperbole, I was not willing to give up my rigid defense system needed in a new dynamic, while some shit said and done was definitely difficult I should have washed over it. But my arrogance and unwillingness to surrender that part my individuality was not productive.

Our conversation was three hours, but here's what i got from the notes, and yes I took notes because he truly is a scholar and when a scholar speaks you take notes. Here's the main points:

• You can't have a dynamic with both parties have one foot out the door. In terms of me, that one foot out the door was waiting on "the problem" to arise, and when something connected to what I saw as a problem arouse, I freaked out.
  
• While compromise is important, what's equally important is knowing what to compromise. In essence, my policy reversals were not in line with my personality she grown to know and it really makes me look unstable. Its admirable to seek the middle ground but I need to be mindful always when and where to apply this.
• I need to stay off the net, blogging aside. In fact I'm going to take a break from that. He reminded me things get lost in translation and there is a such thing as a couple who is too connected to the net. He told me point blank there is a serious problem if you update Facebook or blog first thing in the AM and not call your mate.
  
• Get over it. He said that to me several times about a number of situations. I've heard that before from a female elder in terms of us. He told me in essence I need to get over "petty" insults, and reminded me I was trained in the house of OH, and most of the stuff I've bitched about isn't even petty insulted but miscues. Miscues happen in new dynamics.
• Neither one of us had to acknowledge or rather deal with the other's past for any reason, or the issues that may arise. Our focus was/should have been the present. That (or past) was our past and our cross to bear. So no she didn't have to understand my crazy anonymous blog stalkers any more than I had to acknowledge her past. I had to understand it but acknowledge didn't need to be in our repertoire.
• In terms of co parenting, I need to mind my business. As long no abuse place was taking or they were creeping behind my back that need not be my active concern.
• This is long.
• Not talking about the problem won't make it go away, and one of us needs to stop the b.s. and call or email. We wrote and put a lot of beautiful things in the universe in front of the creator; we need to resolve that in nothing more than to save the friendship and to ensure our boys stay connected. *folds arms. I ain't calling*
• Get over ourselves. I've heard this at least 60 times but the way he said it was like really painful. He laid a critique out to honest and brutal I ain't gonna post it, but basically said it ain't that serious for either of us, and there are couples with real problems going through real shit and all this new age theatrics aside it ain't that serious. None of it.
  

"Terrance, you both need to get over yourself, ok, ok. Seriously there are real problems couples go through and what I'm saying is this isn't one of them. Get over yourself".

That line stays with me. Ishamariablanca said it, my mother aunt said it, BFL said it. I mean a few comments which I didn't post said it. Get over yourself. Ourselves.

As crazy as this shit has been, and its been a while ride, when I look at it from the lens of other people, my loved ones who are gonna tell me truth like The Emperor or the Uncle I can see that.
These men have gone through some real shit, and honestly our complexities ain't shit to them. I felt bad wasting 3 hrs of his life when it was really simple. We need to sit down, hold hands, talk it over and say as middle sun advocated I'm sorry. Before anything else we had a beautiful friendship, more important we are two stubborn coons who love each other. That warrants a sit down, like adults, with a couple of bottles and get it ALL OUT. As Uncle said we'll either come out of this meeting stronger and back on track, or at the very least saved the friendship.
Stubbornness is really not a productive trait, neither is my self righteous snarky posturing at this moment.

I guess that is why I entitled this resolution. I do think once the anger and emotion, my wonderfully rolling emotions subside then we'll truly be alright. Today, as much as human possible and logical, I am over it...in terms of being mad. I'm sad that I've lost two weeks on this nonsense, I'm sad my suns missed their friend, but anger and disappointment is finished.

I am sorry and I do apologize.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-16-2009
10:20am


*Author's note: This was supposed to be a two part piece about a conversation I had with two people yesterday about how I did them, but suddenly I got lazy and I decided I'll comeback later. Its nice outside and posting to you people is making me miss my day.

:D

TLT*

Heh, I'm still standing.

Good Morning blogspot and my loyal fans of snarky mofo's reading this.

SO, after reading my last two posts of yesterday I was so tempted to pull them as they were like really friggin depressing. I admit if I read those posts as a stranger I'd call 911 and tell them to come get said author. But three things stopped me. First, as I said before discernment is key when dealing with loved ones and matters of the heart. I had a moment of utter sadness and that is to be expected when I'm trying to work on self and at the same time keep the faith that things will work out. Second, is I have a strict policy of no retractions unless someone can prove to me that what I wrote/write will affect them personally or professionally (ie nickjacks request never to use her real name, W.Y.'s request not to use any name etc). So once I hit send its there and that's a rap. I cant be ashamed of my emotions nor how I felt.

But more importantly, as my pledge father said who helped me through the day, writing is my release and I should write till my heart falls out. My mother took it one step further and said she's for anything that keeps me from drinking.

*pause*
Writing hasn't keep me from drinking, but rather a lack of funds.

*play*

With all that said I'm trying to forget the events of yesterday. It was a fucked up day. End of story. This morning I woke up feeling better. I woke up smiling at the small victories in all of this and honestly the relationship my suns have is wonderful. In spite of the loneliness I do have a support system and while we may not be on the same page, they are trying. I can't say they aren't.

Fact is, I am just experiencing the ups and downs that come with a dynamic like this. I also need to accept that others may not share in my sadness or even understand it.

They may not even mourn as hard as I. Fact is I gotta deal with this.

After a good nights sleep and prayer, wake up this am and get back on my grind. Two days of moping was necessary, but unproductive.

But today, I'm try to turn it around.

*smirk*
Was that the best you had Son of the Mourning?

*grin*
You.are.whack.

Let's dance

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-15-2009
8:53AM

The Longest Day Or How I feel, cried and fought off the darkness today OR I have no cleaver title.

"Laugh and the World Laugh's With you."
Weep and you weep Alone ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"You're dad, you can overcome anything" ~Eldest Sun

I got my ass whupped today. The wonderful emotions of doubt, fear, anger and sadness spent the majority of the day kicking the shit out of me until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I had no other recourse but to try to sleep it off.

Of course though that kind of mercy would have been to much to ask. Instead I fell into a crying spell that swole my eyes and dried my throat.

It seems the sun of the mourning wont go away with a bitter fight. Of course not. The minute I start talking bout Jah, faith, hope and love, he commences to putting an emotional and mental ass whuppin on me. Cute. Real Cute.


I guess the weather and the loneliness is finally took its total today, the rain, the gloom the feelings of abandonment and being alone. I don't think any of my friends understand my pain, and if they do they only can offer so much assistance. I don't think they really understand that this isn't a "heartbreak" but something more, a sensation I haven't felt before.

I keep wondering am I the only one upset, the only one crying..the voice in my head that sounds an awful like my father is telling me that "it's over", "she ain't thinking bout you" and "nobody cares". That voice is reminding me that men cry in the dark and we cry alone.

Then another voice tells me that I am alone on this one, whether I fight or not, I'm alone and the cavalry won't be coming over the hill. I lament at the thought, but judging by the responses of my loved ones when I seek their advice it appears to be the case.

There all these words. I struggle to hear Jah. Its an empty day.

I try to log on Facebook, but I go places I shouldn't and see things I don't understand. It only makes my chest tighter. Today I had my baby mama lock my account, change the password, and keep me out. It would be sad to have a heart attack ova Facebook ya know.

I want blog, but shit 22 blogs and we aren't half way through the month? Besides, I'm tired of the anonymous comments telling me that I was a fool, I wasn't loved, I got what I deserve. Friggin cowards. At least W.Y. used to sign her work. She was gangsta. Yall just scary.

I hate days like this. I have to deal with this sadness. I almost wish it was a heartbreak, I really do. I can deal with the heartbreak. This...I cant fathom.

Wanna here something crazy, as I laid in bed crying my eldest sun comes into the room to comfort me. I was sicken that my 12 year old let me lay on him and cry. Then in a moment of innocence, he says "Guess who called me yesterday?" I know the answer before he even tells me. I'm glad she hasn't forgotten them, I'm glad they still have that presence even if I don't. A small victory. But it only makes me cry harder when he leaves. I feel like shit for mourning in front of him. He comes back to remind me that I'm the best dad in the world and I can overcome anything. I smile weakly and give him some suga. He is my heir apparent yall.

I know its not as bad as it seems, I do have a support team: BFL, babymama, Ishamaria, lil sis. But still my mind...the voices...I cant shake them, well at least today the voices that wish to see my finally give in couldn't be silenced.

But even in the face of that I got up and made it through the day. No matter what happens, no matter how many mental and emotional ass whuppins I take I'm not going to yield....


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
11:35pm

A Soul Survivor and the emotion of Doubt.

"A Champ is someone who gets up when he can't" ~Jack Dempsey

For the first time since early Thursday I cried this morning and I cried hard. I cried so hard in fact that my sister came into the room to check on me. I guess I was due a good cry. I mean during this moment I am expected to cry on occasion. There is sadness still present and will always be until such time this situation is resolved.

I'm not making a big deal out of crying. I'd argue I brought on this onslaught of emotions by going someplace I shouldn't and probably reading out of context something I have no prior knowledge of. So in large part I brought this on myself. "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." I know Master Obi Wan I know, but that's sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes doubt, a component of war can cloud your judgment.

One voice, my mother would tell me to use my discernment; to ask what is the probability of my fears. To use both faith and reason to calm myself.

Another voice, doubt, the sun of the mourning would tell me that just cause you ain't forgotten doesn't mean you ain't got left behind. He would say the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Doubt. An interesting emotions. Doubt usually leads to discouragement, which leads to fear, which leads to anger...then to hate...then to suffering.

Doubt is what got us here in the first place.

Doubt is an insult to Jah.

There should be no doubt. I won the Survivor Series in November, I knocked over 29 other men to win the Royal Rumble. I've stood atop of the mountain. I've been here before. I know the truth. And while I did get my shot at Wrestlemania, while I did come up short, I know I'm (or should be) the number one contender.

But doubt..has a seductive voice. Doubt has an easy path. Doubt is a wicked bitch.

And right now doubt is the emotion running supreme.

I sit at this key board my mind racing with every plot, plan, strategy and stratagem known to man. I sit here and I wonder what can I do to save this.

Out of 36 known stratagems, I only have one option..running away. Lil Sis and Ishamaria are right, all I can do it fall back.

One second....

OK. I just threw up. Its been a long time since I've been puking sick. I'm so tired. I am. I just need for this to be right.

For the boys
For her
For me

I got a lot of shit to do today and I need to find my inner reserves to dig deeper and to pull it out. I need to find one last boost to meet the challenge.

Soul Survivors do that. Champions get up when they can't. They respond to bell even if their legs wont move.

Today I will fight through the doubt, through the sadness. Doubt wont win.

I now know though that I cant wait for Monday to unplug from Facebook. I still have issues with that and I lack discernment right now to see things clearly, with my minds eye and not my eyes. So like I did so many years ago I am to have to find somebody to lock me out of FB for 90 days.

When you lack discipline you find somebody to instill it in you my dad used to say.

In the meanwhile I'm going to try to recenter. I am going to try to stop this onswell of sadness from taking over.

Today I will be tested. I need to pass each test because if I expect to make it to the King of The Ring tourney this June, I'm need to have it together.

Still...voices, oceans, nights, and rain. Gotta love the trifecta of vibes.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
8:03am

90 days

Its called the 90 day trial. It was originally designed in 2006 in an attempt to save my relationship with nickjack at the time.

Since the 90 day trial is supposed to be a test of mental strength, disciple and self reflection it should go without saying that I failed the test horribly. No where near the energy and strength I am at now, the trial ended with us actually not talking for about four months. Ah good times those were. The result was a classic homecoming trip and some more bs that is still [classified] until about 2011.

However, the 90 day trial, in my humble opinion remains one hella of a litmus test. I have had a couple of friends use it and it revealed to them truths about themselves, it revealed to them if their relationship could be saved or scrapped. It works. I need to market this.

So what exactly is the 90 trial? Simply it requires no contact for 90 days under.any.circumstance short of death. It means no blogging snarky posts designed to prove a point or plead a case. Think Malcolm X's suspension, without the resulting expulsion, beef and murder. Well it can develop into that if one isn't careful. I was warned if I broke her heart her cousins would fuck me up.

*Nods in disagreement* No, snarky mofo reading this, your incorrect. I'm not going to do the 90 day trial in terms of her. I am going to walk away from the net for a while starting Monday. That is why on some days you've gotten two or three blogs, because once I start that's it.

The goals: to finally get my inn...energy up to, get into grad school, prep my suns for life in Chicago public schools, clear my head a little more...this last run tired me out and

get
my status
back

;-)

I do believe on can be so connected to this matrix that it becomes reality and it begins to have a "role" and "rank" in a person's life. I want to get back to a level where facebook is the after thought, actually dialing the phone is a reality. I want to push myself to stop writing these gems for free and actually write a book. I need to unplug from this bitch.

But honestly, I'm all of this blogging I've done has spent me emotionally. While it prevented me from sliding into a depression, it has drained me mentally. I just need to take some time off from the net and continue to smell the coffee and roses.

Over the next few days I'm going to set some stuff I wrote to post up until Monday. While I may respond to a comment or two after Monday I'm going on vacation. I need to refill my emotional cup so I can write again.

So enjoy the last few, that's it for a while.

Until lata blogspot

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-14-2009
12:01AM

Rain, Rain Go Away

"Raindrops will hide my teardrops"~David Ruffin

Can't nobody tell me that Jah doesn't have a sense of humor after a day like this. I mean he makes it rain all day, knowing what emotions that the rain will bring up, the blog topics brought back memories I'd thought I was over, it rained today, I got waaay to many pictures of days past, it rained today, against better judgment I logged onto Facebook, it rained today, I cooked a version of the meal I was supposed to cook for her, it rained and it rained.

Oh did I mention it rained?

The rain. It washes the earth, cools the earth, grows the trees and grass and all that stuff we learned in kindergarten. The rain. A romantic time when you can cuddle and the sounds of the water on the window offers a backdrop to romantic kisses, touches, conversations, giggles, all that. Have you ever made passionate love in the rain snarky mofo reading this?

So then you understand my mood today.

Before some snarky reader quips "Hey I thought you were over it" let me state that I never said I was over it. I think I said the pain was subsiding the mood swings were no longer swinging and basically it wasn't gonna send me to the hospital. But you know the fact of the matter is I do miss my friend, I do miss her, shit today I'm missing her.

The rain...voices...on the ocean...at night. Sweet Jesus.

I tried to take a nap, but of course the first thing I get: Lucid dreams. Jah ain't right.

But tonight I accept the memories and desires, I accept the truth in how I feel.

So, I'm bite a little bit and post some good ole love songs...I'm so sick of these. But they, the legends, can explain it better than I.



The Whispers Getting Louder-Jackie Wilson



Ain't No Sunshine-Bill Whithers




Hall and Oates-One on One



I Wish it would rain- The Temptations



Castles Made of Sand-Jimi Hendrix



Overjoyed-Stevie Wonder



AS-Stevie Wonder


Going to drink vodka...and reflect...on the vistas of my life..

Nite Blogspot.

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
10:38pm

Sins of the Father Pt. 7: Resolution

"What greater weapon is there than to turn an enemy to YOUR cause?
To use their own knowledge against them?" ~Bastila Shan

OK, I've whipped up a breakfast worthy of a Black College student: reheated Swai fish, oriental vegetables in teryikai sauce with red beans and rice; to wash it down I've got a bottle of cran-apple juice that was left over from my vodka splurge. I also uh..."mediated" while listening to the rain. I really wonder if I am going to be able to make it. I still sad.

So I've eaten, drunken and am merry, let's get back to my story.

OK to the story...

So I haven't spoken with anybody on my father' s side since Dec. 22 2006, I've ignored numerous requests to build, to sit down, to talk. Honestly there wasn't anything to discuss, my mother was disrespected at my father's funeral no less. There was nothing to talk about.

Fast forward a couple of years....I am in the process of transferring my sons out of their suburban schools and into a new CPS school. Since my wonderful boys are uppity suburbans kids I was looking for a way to give them a lesson in negro-ology; helping to them to learn rather quickly the norms and ways of the hood and niggerdoms so they can survive this transition and so I wont kill somebody's child or some child's parent.

I spent the weekend with my boys, technology free pondering this problem; I needed to find a resolution quickly and low and behold an answer would appear in the form of my brother. I had all of the children this weekend and he wanted to me to bring my niece by so they could go to a party on my cousins on dad's side was throwing. He also asked if I could end the embargo and at least let the boys come.

This provided the perfect opportunity to train them in the ways of niggerness. I said I would come along to monitor, but not participate.

Upon my arrival my two older cousins broke down in tears. They were happy to see me and pleaded with me to end my embargo. I told them no, I would not be returning on a full time basis, however I would be around as long as it took my suns to be integrated into the family and then I would be ghost.

But then I saw someone who shook me to my core, to made me re-think all of my bitterness and anger and hostility. I saw my younger cousin Quenisha, aka Queen, who has been on my hip since she was a baby. If there is a family member who probably can soften my heart it is Queeny.

We hug and she begins to cry. She asks me where I have been, letting me know my presence was missed by the younger cousins. "We really didn't have nobody to talk to. You the smartest one." That kind of compliment both warms your heart and weighs on your soul as you reflect on your actions.

We sit down, still teary eyes and I ask Queeny how she's been and she process to tell me her life over the past 2 plus years. She had school problems, she was rapped and my older aunts refused to get her therapy so she "wont relive it", she needed advise on men, and she wants to go to college next year when she graduates but is being dissuaded from doing so.

I shook my head. Then I remembered the lesson from this past week: War clouds Judgement. In waging my war, I didn't think about the children, mine and theirs who need the bond and needed my guidance. I never thought that I'd be seen or had been saw as some kind of person to aspire too.

The fact is I was a role model and something different, a break from the norm, a window to a world they may or may not ever see.

It was in this revelation that I also figured out how I can break a cycle and win a war. If you remember snarky mofo reading this, when the Israelites got on Jah's nerves bitching about hardships of freedom and had no faith he decreed none of the adults save for Joshua and Caleb would see the promise land. To be concise Jah vowed that none over the age of 20 would see the promise land. These two facts have helped shape my new policy on my father's people.

First, as of this past weekend I no longer will hold any amenity to an entire group. To be exact like Jah, nobody under the age of 22, (as of his death) will be punished for the mistakes of the elders. I also believe at their age they lacked discernment and maturity to understand what was going on and to make decisions themselves. I also am not applied my beef to four of my cousins, Yogi, Shawn, Tanya, and Antonio who is locked up but managed to write my mother ever day. In terms of my aunts the two that paid her respect will also be forgiven.

Wow that is such a weight off of my chest.

I also realize the greatest insult in a sick way to them is to help the next generation be better. Help Queeny go away to school and escape the madness she wants to escape. I want Bre to be an honor roll student. I want them to be fine young men and women. Wouldn't it be ironic that the one person they cant stand is the one person who helps their children grown?

I want all of them, esp Queeny to grown into fine adults. I want the ignorance in that family to die.

I think its a win win.

This weekend I am going to go to lunch with Queeny. We're gonna sit down and discuss life, dating hopes and dreams.

Maybe helping her will prepare me for mine.

Maybe helping her will heal my heart. I don't know.

I do know is I'm sorry I made the youngins suffer. War clouds judgment.

Indeed it does.

I wonder if Queeny would like Chinese food?

Time to expand her world view

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
11:30am

A Commerical

Before I go on with the next piece here's a word from our sponsors.
BFL presents:

"Black Love in the Rain: An Erotic Haiku Poem"

Black Love in the Rain
Remembering her kisses
Longing for her touch

Our embrace passionate
Two souls merging into one
Eyes meet with Intensity

Tasting her warm juices
Drops of Heaven on My tongue
Rising passions Now

Black Love in the Rain
Each lick more intense now
Thighs against My head

Black Love in the rain

Her scent tattooed on my mind
Longing for her touch

Black Love in the rain
Each Stroke Better
Eyes Locked Intensely

Holding her closer
Feeling the tightness of love
Senses on overload








Changing different styles
Each Better before
the other indeed

Black Love in the rain
drops against the skylight helps
us drift off into sleep

Black Love in the rain.












God Jah can be so friggin cruel

Straight No Chaser,
TLT
4-13-2009
10:15 AM

Sins of the Father: A Historical Review

"There will be NO further negotiations on this matter.
Deal with it or dont" ~
Me to my Aunt Louise after they tried to punk my mother.

First a historical review: Before I post the on the topic dealing with my family I feel a need to give you a back story. I know my long time readers and personal friends might be familar but you new folks are gonna love this story. Here we go.

As you all may know (or should know) by now on Dec 16th 2006, I lost my father to cancer. It was an emotional time that I had documented via a series of blogs posted on Myspace at the time called "Sins of the Father". This series chronicled everything from my frustration at my mother for her decisions to the night they took him out the house one final time to his to the plots of my aunts and other family members, to this funeral and the aftermath. In my opinion this was my best written work but sadly, a crashed computer and a deletion of Myspace page made it unable to retrieve any of that work. I found a few files on Gmail and I have them stored on a lil pen drive that wont read, but other than that the only Sins of the Father that remains is part 5, the account of his funeral (which can be found under the Dec 2006 section of my blog or by clicking on the link).

Just prior to his death, my father converted to become a Jehovah's Witness, a decision that did not sit well with his sisters, whom happen to be...yup you guessed it baptists. They did/do not like my mother as they felt she was uppity, and didn't engage in the mass niggerdoms that seem to uh dominate my father's side of the family. I do believe only his children are the only ones college educated, free of felonies and can read and or write. So needless to say my mother's Hyde Park reared arse did not mesh well with the slack jawed yokels of the Bailey clan.

Damn, my biases are showing and I am not objectively reporting the account.

Sorry. Let us move on...

When he was diagnosed as terminal my father wrote each of his siblings a letter telling them that he wished his funeral and burial be in accordance with the way a Jehovah's Witness would be held, my mothers word was law and he tasked me to enforce this by any means necessary short of murder.

I wont bore you with the intricate plots but basically my aunts with "assistance" from two of my brothers actively worked to undermine my mother's every decision including trying to buy an extra night and service from Gatlin's. Yes these "women" raised about 3G's to hold a special service as opposed to say um...giving it to my mother. Basically the end result was me using every political trick in the book to make sure my mother under grief didn't violate my father's wishes and I almost turned Wei Yan lose on a few of them.

Indeed good times by all eh?

Defeated, two thirds of my father's people "missed the funeral", as Monday was Christmas, his funeral was a Friday and they chose holiday pay over paying respects. Those that didn't go to work refused to come to a "Jehovah funeral" hell my aunt went back to Atlanta rather than come into a Kingdom Hall.

Did I mention that those who did come and show up sat with his first wife and comforted her. My mother sat in the corner alone with only a few friends from the hall making helping her, that and her granbabies.

Even typing this account makes my chest hurt.

Only 2 aunts out of 5 showed my mother any kind of respect.

Had it not been for the lovely women of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. we would have had a shitty repass. This is why I haven't left the table of Blue, my sorors..during this time. I can never repay that. Ever. One day I'll tell you how the Sigmas reacted.

You know I got a ugly bitterness in my mouth over this era.

OK moving on.

So this week, which still holds the record as worst.week.ever. had a number of implications:

• It caused a rift between my brothers that really still hasn't healed. Honestly it wont fully heal until they offer my mother an apology for treason
• It caused me to be utterly weary and distrustful of baptists. Think racial profiling but instead of race think denomination.
• Zetas have a lifetime commitment from me.
• I refused to talk to everybody on my father's side for any reason.
  

This last point is important because I've missed funerals, birthday parties, weddings, births, damn near everything. My suns weren't allowed to communicate. I mean I saw folks on myspace and facebook and just wouldn't fox with them at all.

I know snarky mofo reading this you're asking "Was it that serious?"

Yes it was.

I was given a task by my father. No compromise. My mother was disrespected. My parents faith was disrespected. I mean, I won't name who but one of the conspirators whispered in his ear something to the effect if he didn't renounce Jah he would burn in hell. My father being the ADD filled creature he was later in the day blurted out "Please no I don't wanna go to hell".

Since when does a JW...never mind. Heart pumping faster. But this should give you a lil more insight as to why I am the way I am. Moments like this.

Oh my favorite. My mom was trying to fix my dad's oxygen, wipe his face or something and clearly it was bothering him so he managed to put his hand up. My ignant aunt replies "He do it again smack his hand." Or was it spank his hand? I forget.

The point is since when do you slap a dying man's hand? Or spank a grown man? Ignant ba...

Give me a moment. Lemme think a happy thought.

.
..
....
....
........

Ok, there. As I was saying it was made niggerdoms and I wrote it all down. Sigh. But something happened over the weekend that I will post in another piece that softened my heart, even if it didn't totally reverse my position.


Lemme make some breakfast and I'll post the second half. I'm break this up into two pieces as this one has gone on way too long and there is just too much emotion in this piece.

Brb
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
9:30AM

The Solider and the Gypsy

"Not The Greatest of Distance
Nor the Longest of Years Can Separate the Two
For They Passed They Test,
The Test of Seven Tears." ~L.S. Thomas

Its funny how I started writing this piece before Valentine's day, but never could find the words to complete it. It's crazy how many times I sat down to finish this tribute, but never got the words to flow.

Perhaps this is because as you once stated so comically and snarkly "You can't write unless you're mad or sad. Maybe I need to quit you so you can write again." Heh Irony. Gotta love Irony. Since that "lovelock down weekend", I've written incessantly. Actually I'm quite tired from all the writing. I welcome my upcoming hiatus from blogging with open arms.

However, before I leave I wanted to complete this task; to let you know why I refuse to yield, why I refuse to get accept the present as future and the past as done.

*sigh* No intellectual coyness. I refuse to give up because you are important not ONLY to me but to my suns, who see you as their mother as well. You are loved. You are a great friend.

In spite of our problems, you have often referred to what we have/had as beautiful. Even at its craziest you laid next to me and said "this shit is real."

I often think back to our first meeting, well what I can remember because of well...you know why and what I do remember is us smiling like crazy, talking about everything under the sun.

I shift to the many times we tried to connect, but nothing. I know I was battling with the challenge of death (my father) and you with the challenge of life (young sun). But we never forgot each other

We came back to the middle.

I remember us sitting in Borders laughing, exchanging one liners, talking, our first kiss. I remember the April we thought we were going to do it then walked away.

I remember your timely arrival at the end of last year, almost at the same time Obama made his ascent. How's that for change?

I look at all these signs and either I'm crazy or this is meant to be. Probably both.

Yes we've had adjustments and challenges. It was so simple but at times we both made it hard. Still...

I refuse to believe after one crazy visit and a week(end) of headaches, that is no longer the truth. I'm sorry. After years of "miscues" "close calls" and false prophets I now have discernment; I now understand the difference and what we had was real. Correction. What we have IS real.

You and I know this.

In your retrospection piece, you outlined a plan of action that was both practical and real. We just lacked morale and patience. It is my hope that during this time we will have gained both, in addition to discernment to make our dream come true. Well also acquisition of that final cord: Jah.

The Solider and The Gypsy represented our strongest qualities. For the longest time I was afraid of this truth within me, I was kinda jealous you embraced yours with such fervor. But it is the truth. I am a warrior, a warrior who fights for his beliefs, his family, his peace. You are a Gypsy, but not in the traditional sense. You seek peace, freedom, positivity while no less fighting for what you believe in.

People reading this will no doubt ask "Well if it was all that what happened?" Well snarky mofo reading this it was no doubt a matter of timing.

The Gypsy tired from other dynamics need to recharge, the Butterfly within needed to rest her wings and catch a moment. But she tried, to fly, tried to soar but.just.could.not.

The Solider, like all soldiers returning home from war, had a hard time adjusting. He lacked discernment when to fight and when to yield. He understood the Art of War, but did not study The Way of Peace. He didn't heed the words found at Proverbs 15:1, nor the words found at James 1:19-20. No, he still conducted himself as if he was on the front lines...which was sad as there was no battle in this environment.

So now we're at a place were both re centered, both are healing and catching our breaths. We are at a place where we can tweak a few things then return to the table.

The Solider once told the gypsy he didn't believe in fairy tales. He told her he only believed in what he saw and could control. But that was a lie; like her he believed in the endings of Love Jones, he craved happily ever after. But how can a solider whose seen only battle confess to dreaming happy dreams? The front lines didn't afford such pleasures often but verily I say to you he did dream.

Two people, Two Hearts, Two Souls, Two Minds hoping to be together until the end of time.

A love story written by the hands of Jah himself. Can the actors learn their lines and remember their parts?

Two people 1 heart, 1 soul 1 mind..can do this.

We have the same objectives. Remember what Malcolm X said about objectives and methodologies.

We have our steps. We have our tasks.

The Solider and The Gypsy. A true representation of Black Love. Every dynamic has these components. And please note the role of Solider and Gypsy is not gender specific.

Every Black Couple...

In the other is a representation of what we want, I want my sense of free spirit back; you the security and stability.

And we both want a happy ending.

So let's do what we have to do, following the steps we've outlined and make it so.

It will be alright, Lauryn Hill didn't lie.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2009
10:25am

A Love Supreme Pt. 4: Not Easily Broken

"You slighted Jah by not seeking his guidance in the first place"
~Ishmariablanca

Yesterday, I entered into a conversation with my friend about how the memorial and the subsequent events of Thursday reminded me that it was not God that left me, but rather I left him and how I wanted to heal that rift between my creator and myself. She remained me that it required no grand plan to think of, just simply ask, change (or try to change) my ways and he will respond.

I continued the dialog with my mother, who while can be a bit overbearing about the conversation concerning God, did query how I could be so "stiff necked" as to not seek him in things that matter to me. She pointed out how Queen and I should have been came to the Hall if that is what we were trying to build, a family, because it starts with Jah and then works backwards. We don't start with us then find him. She offered the cliched but infallible argument of a foundation: did we wish to build it on a rock mass with strong materials to survive the storms or did we wish to build a shack that could barely stand the rain.


Damn, what does that make the score?
Tony 1,243,561, Terrance 10.



I remember seeing a movie back in January called "Not Easily Broken"; ironically it was a movie she and I were supposed to see, but somehow ended up not going. I really wish we had gone. I suck at movie reviews but basically it's about a young Black couple who go through trials and tribulations as they begin to focus on all the things, pursue all goals, and listen to all the wrong people as opposed to doing what needs to be done: drawing close to each other and growing with God. The title comes from the scripture found at Ecclesiastes 4:12. That scripture reads:

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This can be applied to a number of situations, in the context of the movie it was speaking of marriages. When properly applied to marriages it simply means that the husband and wife make up the first two cords and God needs to be the third cord which of course then makes the whole thing "not easily broken". Interesting formula for marriages and relationships seeking to become marriages. Seek comfort and strengthen in each other, then that unit seek comfort, strengthen and wisdom in God.

Heh. Gotta love Jah.

*pause*
Maybe Ms J or Ishamaria or one of yall will write a review. I'm a social critic and political scientist NOT Roger Ebert damn it.

*play*
Not unlike those Tyler Perry "shitcoms" and "movies"; T.D. Jakes really had a point. Its wasn't all the man's fault (i.e. Tyler) or all the woman's fault (modern hip hop culture) , but rather they both had equal blame in the potential demise of their relationship. Instead of seeking Jah's wisdom, she asked her old bitter snarky mama. Instead of building with his wife, he built with another woman.

Luckily, and with an ending that made me tear up they figured it out, got back together, ate chicken, had sex, and raised a family all with Jah's blessing.

Heh..good shit. Almost made me cry. OK I did cry when I got home.

Contrary to my public persona and my advance degree in snarkology I DO love happy endings.

Ok...I went off on a tangent. But as I was saying, it made me realize that WHEN we do come back we're going to get that third cord. I accept we're both heathens and the mere thought of it (going into a house of worship) probably burns us up (literally) but for it to work we need the creator of worlds. We need the source.

Honestly, I need the source for a lot of things, not just her or any relationship . A son approaching teenage years, guidance in making my moves and favor so I can start teaching. I think by him answering my prayer Thursday or at the very least revealing to me the truth was his way of giving me a sign I often craved. I need him.

For years I was advised by people more spiritual than myself to return to my roots and start my walk from there. I think I'm going to try that again, albeit slowly and without much snark.

It is amazing when I sit back and think about it; the things that I have craved the most: family and a teaching career, have been pursued (for the most part) without spiritual guidance. I know me and W.Y. used to debate over how much spirituality one needed, but I realize for all my dabbling in politico thought, I mere avoided the spiritual because I was truly afraid of that mirror. Yes, I've faced the man in the mirror, had a test of the spirit, but I've never tested my spirituality.

Big difference.

So tomorrow, I'll attend the special talk and try to go to all the meetings there after. I need to slowly rebuild my spiritual strength. There are things I want in this world and quite honestly only Jah can provide them.

Indeed..its time for less Zhuge, wait. That's not correct. I've been thinking more Niccolò Machiavelli like than Zhuge. No its time for less Machiavelli and more Jah.

Maybe then my peace can last a little longer.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2009
8:36am

A Love Supreme Pt. 3: Good Day in the Light

"Do this in remembrance of me"~Jesus Christ

These are the days that make me smile; the one day out of many the real victories that hold back the darkness.

In spite of the 3am lucid dream today was a good day. The sun was shining, pretty and bright; I was in a good mood.

In spite of all that's happened I am still standing. I am a Soul Survivor. I am a redeemer. This is what I do and who I am.

No vodka, despite my sincerest desire, no tears in spite of my sorrow. No nasty text messages or snarky blogs.

It was just the light.

As you all should know by now my mother is devout Jehovah's Witness. Depending on who you ask I am a latent one. I just have reconciled my need for Black Culture 24, politics and vodka with the requirements of the organization. But if I ever could I most certainly become one. I do believe that they, more than anybody else got it figured out.

With that said today was the memorial of Christ's Death. Its a once a year event that brings my family together. Due to some recent complications this year it was just the Queen mother, myself and my heirs. It was also her birthday and while she doesn't celebrate it, I can think of no other gift for her than to spend this day with her son and his heirs.

To illustrate how special this day is to me I rarely take people who aren't important. In fact in all the women I've dated only two have gone; the queen was supposed to go tonight but our recent problems..namely my tantrum last Friday cancelled her appearance. (And yes my sons complained about that too.)

In was a fulfilling experience as it reminded me that I have to some degree lost my faith where it counts and who I should have faith in both spiritually and otherwise. Like the Pharisees of old, I've grown complacent in my "intellect" and "wisdom". I forget to "seek first the kingdom and all other things will be given to you". I've forgotten faith without works is dead. I got work down pat. Faith is kinda iffy.

Its a piece that's been missing from em for a while, I do think if I had truly applied Godly principles to me and [classified] we'd be in a different place. I do believe that if I have thought more like Jehovah and less like Zhuge Liang I wont have hurt some many people and have so many enemies coming back seeking retribution.

I do miss the Hall and the people. I do. I also think my overly snarky preteens could use a good dose of religion.

It will give me something to think about tonight.

Seek first the kingdom...one helluva message.

Then as almost one cue, as almost to validate his promise I received something to make me smile and give my faith just another boost.

Its never as bad as we think, even when its bad as we think.

"Make the truth you own" the Queen mother admonishes me. In.all.things.

Tonight, while still sad by the events of this week I've truly be awaken. My sadness is passing which means my writing will trickle and stop.

Tonight for the first time in a week I smiled.

Thank you Jah...for everything.

Oh and btw, you were missed. Your presence was truly missed. Mom says you owe next year. She said you'll be around.


Nite blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
4-9-2009
11:30pm

From the Shadows

Nothing long here...just a quick query.

Why post anonymous to someones blog. I mean for real if you got the guts to post a comment have the guts to sign it.

I do agree with the (insert adjective here) queen that by not at least signing your comment you kinda cheapen it.

I mean if you're a snarky ex upset that I gave this more energy than you...post it. Let me know.

If you're a friend who thinks me, she or both are crazy...post it. Let me know...

If you're one of her people defending her, let me know post it.

AND sign it.

I also like to know who I'm intellectually hazing. It makes me look slow to beat up on fake names and anonymous posters.

So if you got something snarky to say, then say it. Post it. Speak it.

Then sign it. Like this

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2009
10:27am

A Love Supreme Pt. 2: Voices

"I hear voices in my head, they come to me, they understand...they talk to me" ~Randy Orton

"The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night"~Kid Cudi

"Sometimes It feels like Everything Is passin' me by... My ship has gone and sailed away" ~K Jon

I am not sure if I was sleep or awake. It all seemed so real. I believe the term is lucid (thanks Dre). I was washing dishes, singing to myself and I heard a familiar voice, one that I have come to love and adore asking me "Are you OK Mr. Thomas?" I turn around and see her standing there..locs back and smiling. I hear the boys in the room playing. I move to touch her and nothing happens.

Phone beeps. An email. I hear the young sun say my name. I respond.

Nothing. Phone buzzes. I pick it hoping for the best. Unknown Caller.

Not quite a nightmare. A lucid dream. A few steps from a nightmare.

Night 6. I've eaten, I'm out of vodka and like that Lenny Williams song where he "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh" for about 6 minutes I'm tired of my video games and books. I cant stand the radio, because it seems all they banter about is that dumb ass Steve Harvey book or remedial concepts on love.

God I'd kill for some vodka.

I got up out of my bed and walked to the bathroom. My mother was on the computer doing her bible study when she asked "another nightmare". I told her no, that the nightmares haven't returned and she said nodded in approval. She asked me to come listen to a talk by one of the Brothers at the Hall on relationships. It is a good talk. I'll use some of it in a later blog.

I realize at this point I am not "heartbroken". I am not "crushed" but rather sad and disappointed. I am sad and disappointed that it wouldn't click or rather we lacked discernment to make it click. I'm disappointed that I still struggle with arrogance and intellectual coyness.

I AM worried and nervous; worried that I am already forgotten and nervous that I will never get that chance again. I know in my heart this is what I want but honestly the days of uber depression are gone, well gone when it comes to matters of the heart. Yeah I may sleep a few days to clear my head, maybe mope but nobody else will send me to the hospital. This revelation makes me smile.

Yet, I hear voices...I kept hearing "Mr. Thomas" and it does make me long. It does make me want to hug her and look at her. I miss our banter, our convo. I realize its just been a week or so, but when you have someone like that...their divine presence is easily missed. I keep hearing the laughter of children.

I also hear voices..telling me that this was too hard and the simple solution, the easiest solution is to forget about the past six months and return to a place of comfort. A seductive offer, but while it may be the quicker path, it is not the best path.

I keep hearing voices that tell me that not to worry. Every great dynamic had its bumps. Even Michelle had to call Barack to the fire; its arrogant to think I would be different.

Voices...They come to me...they understand...

I am lonely right now and I believe that is complicating matters. Well I have chosen isolation because I hate platitudes. I hate the other fish in the sea speech. I hate the it will get better speech. I hate keep your head up etc all from people hugged up and giddy.

In a sense I lost my best friend or rather am distanced from it and it hurts ya know. I was able to think..well about everything except us. Things were clear...except with us...friggin irony and well...I miss playing in her locs.

In a way I thank Jah for the other challenges: my suns school situation, me trying to build the resources to move, AUSL, all that. It keeps me focused. But in the moments between moments I realize that I am missing that piece.

Yeah K Jon I am out there on the ocean....and I cant swim. Ain't that a bitch.

Who gets up at three am and thinks of shit like this. A Lonely loner.

Its funny those songs would play first on my computer. They describe it too a "T".

I pull up the poem by Langston Hughes "A Dream Deferred":



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Good question, Langston good question.

Or does it really matter. Bane would argue "Dreams are lies we tell ourselves when we sleep"

Stevie says "Dreams do come true."


Iono. All this thinking got my head hurting and I gotta drive two snarky kids to school in the am.

I'm try to sleep now...but still...I hear voices...trying to free my mind at night...out there on the ocean.

Heh. God I'm good with a lyrical blade.

That makes me smile.
Still...

I miss her and little sun. I do.

Rest easy blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2009
3:36AM (written)
(posted 10:07am damn wow cable.)

Darkness and Light

"Fear Leads to Anger, Anger Leads to Hate, Hate Leads to Suffering." ~Master Yoda

I swear I should write comic books OR fictionally write, because I am THE only dude who has some 15 year old enemy come out of the past to enact revenge.

I couldn't make this shit up I swear.

First up I want to stress that this is not directed at Wei Yan. I am totally convinced that she wasn't the one vandalizing the blog or harassing [classified]. Regrettably, I almost wish it was Wei Yan, as it would make more sense for her to lash out than you.

It's funny Yoni, how your return made me a) snap out of it and b) see the world without time. For the first I thank you, because I almost allowed despair to cripple me; your antics gave me a second wind and helped me get those beautiful eyes their glow back. You pissed me off reminded me. I am now convinced that after a cooling off period, after we sit down and talk, I will regain my HIT status and get my wife back. I'll be sure to send you a wedding picture.

But in snapping out of it, I begin to think. I begin to reflect on the episodes of my life and equally I felt sorry for you. I hesitate to say that because that last time I used that phrase it caused a firestorm. But I mean it in the sense that she interpreted...I pity you. I do.

Let me make a correction. You weren't battered. I cant say you didn't feel that, but you weren't battered. What our dynamic was two troubled teens in an alternative high school doing what troubled teens do. We were immature people doing grow up shit and suffered the consequences. If memory serves me correct, and it almost always does, I was embarrassed by you kissing dude at our event, you using my phone card to call your other boyfriend, and ultimately I did the two week stint in the hospital which lead to a persona I cant friggin shake to this day: Crazy Terrance. We both carry a history from this.

I don't know what you wrote to my queen, but I did get your message to me. You wrote:

i am not bitter. but scared. this isn't in association with fisk. i have battled with this for so long. i just don't want anybody to suffer the way i have. but she is right. she doesn't need to listen to me. you took my sense of belonging. i will just say that i will never forgive you but i am going back to my closet to live out the rest of my life. i don't apologize for making my pain known. i am a horrible mother because of it. but i am going back in my closet. this time forever.

What I don't understand is why are you afraid. As I said and will say to anybody who brings up old events, esp from the B.C. era

*pause*
I divide my history into three parts: B.C.= Before Centrell (my oldest) A.D.=After Devin and P.N.E.=Post Nicole Era. Hopefully my next era will be Romance of the Kingdom.~ TLT

*play*
that the boy they left behind is NOT the man you see before you. I've gone through three major eras and outside of one myspace message that you didnt respond to (the message congratulated you on your movie if I am correct) and an accidental bump into at the middle college we havent.said.one.word.to.each.other.

I am sorry you have held this pain for 15 years. However, you handled it wrong. Much to the dismay of many of my loved ones, I am easy to track on the net; up until Sunday I was a regular on FB. We could have discussed this, debated it and helped you move on. There is no reason your children should suffer for this.

*sigh* This is going to so annoy the queen I am trying to reconcile with but what do you need to say or do to heal? As I said nobody should walk around for 15 years in pain; that's what made me dry my eyes and get up yesterday. My five day torment is nothing to what you've gone through.

I am not going to sue you as suggested or pursue this matter any further. I have a test to study for, writing to do, and begging to get on with.

While not perfect, and definitely with some regrets I have lived a very decent life. Two beautiful suns, with the possible addition of a third, two degrees, a helluva Black Studies career, a wonderful queen, great sorors, an aight frat and the brothers known as BFL. My family is happy and healthy.

I was able to achieve this because I challenge myself daily. I face my fears daily. I push my self daily. I redeem myself daily.

It's time you come out of the closet and do the same. No more talking to the queen. I promise you it wont matter. No more anonymous posts.

Or you can seek therapy. It actually is free now..

Because right now, I don't see the woman I expected to see...a movie director successful and loving Black life...

I still see the little girl hiding in the theatre with a book up to her face....

and that...is really sad...Yoni...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-08-2009
10:13am